The plot and storyline are mine. The characters and the rest belong to Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga; I just borrowed them.
8th January
Dearest Emma,
So much has changed for your father and me. We needed to find a way to heal and move on, even though we will always love you, we had to let go of you. As for the people around us, they were surprised at the major changes we made in our lives. However, it was necessary for the both of us.
It was about 6 months after your second, heavenly birthday; nothing was going right for us, except your father's music was taking off. He was in such high demand he was having to turn artists away.
I was suffering from major depression, and so was your father - to an extent. We knew we needed to make changes within our lives. My first step was getting the tattoo I'd always wanted of your adorable, little feet surrounded by a pair of angel wings with your date of birth at the bottom. I was having trouble finding the perfect tattoo artist to accomplish this. I searched everywhere, and even tried to track down a tattooist I'd used before, with no luck.
I had to quit my job because I could no longer function properly. I struggled to even get out of bed most days; let alone attend to simple things, such as my personal care needs. Your father worked from home most of the time just to make sure I was taken care of appropriately.
The one thing Edward and I did do well was talk. Although not so much about our feelings over what happened to you. That subject was still too hard and painful to discuss, but maybe that was our mistake. We did speak of the things we wanted to do for our future. For many months I'd been looking at places in the mountains close to where we'd scattered your ashes so we could move closer to you. Even though I always looked at it as a pipe dream, it'd be something we'd do if we ever got the extra money or won the lottery.
By this time Emmett and Rosalie had been living about an hour away in the mountains with their twins, Max and Emily, for a few years. The geographical distance caused a gap in the brother's relationship. Emmett was raising twins, and even though we loved our niece and nephew, it was extremely hard watching them grow up. It left an empty spot in our hearts seeing what we were missing out on and could've had with you.
One day Edward and I were talking and I suggested we get our condo appraised to see what it was worth. We had lived in it a long time. We had two agents come and give us an assessment. We were shocked at the appraisal and how much of a profit we could possibly make. Very quickly we decided to sell so we could afford the move to the mountains to be closer to you.
It didn't work out that way. We ended up about 10 minutes from Emmett, Rosalie, and the twins, but it was still easier to get to visit you. We decided to rent to see if we liked living in the mountains before buying. We didn't want the burden of owning another property if we wanted to move again.
We found a nice 3bedroom home with a good size backyard. The best thing was there were trees everywhere, which led to wild birds and animals coming into the yard.
Our condo was on the market only 10 days when it sold. The new owner wanted a quick closing, which was fine by us. Packing everything and preparing to move was a nightmare though.
We moved 2 weeks later, settling into our new home. Edward and I found that with the change of environment our emotions and depression changed too. I could do more for myself and started taking care of the home again. I had something to live for.
The best part was being close to Emmett, Rosalie, and the twins; we got to see them every weekend. Emmett and your father were able to became close brothers again. Rosalie and I had also gotten closer over the years, bonding over the need to protect the children.
Edward came home a couple of weeks after we moved into our new home to tell me he'd been offered to go on tour around Australia. He'd be the opening act for one of the solo artists he'd worked with on their new album. I could see this was something very important to your father, he was so excited. I had not seen his eyes sparkle like this since we found out I was pregnant with you. There was no way I could take this away from him.
We talked well into the night about the tour and what it would mean being separated for 2 months. How was I going to survive without my rock for that long? I no longer knew how to take care of myself. What would I do if I had another breakdown and no one was around?
I quickly realized my fears were also the same as Edward's when he suggested I go with him. I was confused about what was I was to do as he toured Australia. Be a groupie? He would either be in interviews all the time or on stage, where there'd be screaming fans, female fans. All my insecurities I'd had many years ago returned with a vengeance.
Edward could tell what I was thinking. He quickly explained he'd only be preforming 2 nights a week in each of the major cities they performed in, and any interviews he may need to do would be on the same days. He made it clear to his agent that if he was to do this, it would not be without me and a maximum of two months on the road. Also he was to given plenty of time off to take me exploring Australia's beautiful countryside.
Edward looked so afraid that I was going to say no, that I wouldn't go, but how could I? I couldn't let him turn down a chance of a lifetime simply because I was afraid, so I agreed to go on tour with him. Edward's face was filled with so much joy and he kissed me with so much passion that I hadn't felt in a long time.
This trip would be good for the both of us.
So, a month later we were off to Australia. I tried to research and learn as much as I could, but boy, I was in for a surprise. We arrived in Sydney, Australia - whereas when we left home it was summer - but stepping outside of the airport terminal only wearing shorts and a t-shirt at 8am, it was freezing. Edward just laughed at me, the bastard.
Our first stop was the hotel. We were staying at the same hotel as the solo artist, so that Edward could be close by if he was needed. We had the rest of the day to relax and do what we wanted. Then, Edward would spend the next two days working with the team for the tour.
After unpacking we went exploring; since we were staying so close to the harbour we started there. We explored the Opera House, the Harbour Bridge, and went on a ferry ride to a beach, called Manly. Oh, my God, the sand is so fine, clean and amazing to feel between your toes. You can actually take your shoes off to walk on it. The ocean was so clear and clean, and even though it was winter in Australia, there were still surfers in the water catching waves. I told Edward I wanted to try surfing. Since we were in another country, I wanted to experience as much as the local culture and customs as I possible could.
The next thing I know Edward walks away and I am left sitting, staring out at the ocean, just thinking how great it would be to have you here with us. I have always been drawn to the ocean and its inhabitants. After so much had happened I was able to finally quieten my mind enough to meditate, on this semi-crowded beach, while listening to the crashing of the waves.
I don't know how long I was meditating for. I really didn't know anything that was happening around me, which really was dangerous in a country I wasn't familiar with.
But while meditating, I had a vision of a little girl and boy playing on a swing set and the little boy was saying, "Push me higher Emma, please sis. Mom and dad aren't around, I promise you won't get in trouble."
I started to hyperventilate and cry, at the same time are I was starting to panic Edward returned. He noticed what was happening, and brought me out of my meditative state of mind.
Edward held me while I cried. I cried for the future we had lost and for the future the vision showed me that could be a possibility. I finally calmed and Edward wanted to know what I was so upset about. Could I honestly tell him that I had a vision of you with a younger brother? Would he believe me or think I would try anything to keep you alive with us?
Over the years Edward has learnt to trust my visions, especially those that come from my meditations; but this one was too hard for either of us to believe. We'd already lost you, and had been told it would take another miracle to fall pregnant again, and we weren't that lucky.
Edward waited and waited until I was finally ready to tell him what I'd seen; like me he was shocked and also unsure how it could even be a possibility. Was there a possibility we were going to be parents again sometime soon? Or was it just our hopes and dreams trying to convince us it would happen.
Finally, Edward told me where he'd went to. He spotted, while walking to the beach, a sign offering surfing lessons this afternoon. They were an hour long and by the end of it, I'd be able to stand up on the surfboard and ride a wave. Edward decided to surprise me with lessons. We'd have to wait and see if I could surf a wave by the end of the lesson, considering my luck and clumsiness.
No, I wasn't able to stand up on the surfboard on my own, but I did surf a wave with the instructor's help. That was until I caught a massive wave and wiped out, causing the board to hit me in the nose. Yet, the instructor was able to get us both back to the beach, where we both received medical attention. Me with a broken nose and the instructor with a black eye and mild concussion; like I said with my luck and clumsiness.
This little experience showed me one thing. I must keep moving forward and stop living in the past. Even so, I was not ready to let you go, not just yet.
About 2 weeks into the trip we found ourselves in Melbourne. Edward had a week off, so we decided to take a hiking tour for 3 nights. We were outdoors experiencing the beauty of nature, which caused me to feel as if I belonged somewhere. It was during that time I finally accepted that you were gone. I realized I needed to let go of all the pain from my past. We would never forget you, Emma. However, I was doing more harm than good by still holding onto the past, and wanting something I'd never have. That something was you. I knew you were with us in spirit - every step of the way - but it was time to cut the ties to what was holding me back from moving forward. It was time to start enjoying life again.
One of the first things I noticed happening while on this trip was how open I was being, how confident I was becoming. I would start conversations up with anyone. I wanted to learn as much as I could about the people and their cultures in the different cities we visited.
What also surprised me was just how much of my past I was letting go of. Not only was it you, Emma, and the negative feelings around that situation, but it was also what Renee and Phil had done to me. It was time to let go of all the traumatic, painful experiences I'd endured throughout my life. I needed to find the positives in everything I did from now on. I had to know I could stand on my own and survive, be happy alone if I needed to.
6 weeks into the tour we were now in the Northern Territory. It was much warmer here, and was also believed to be one of the most spiritual places in the world. I wanted nothing more than to experience everything it had to offer. One of the things I really wanted to do was to learn about the Aboriginal culture while we were in Australia.
I had been able to talk with many different people while touring with the performers, but I really wanted to visit an Aboriginal station or reserve. I got lucky while visiting Uluru, also known as Ayres Rock, as I was watching the sun set, just sitting peacefully, staring at the sky as it changed.
An older man sat down and started to tell me a tale of his people; how they came to be, the legends of Uluru, and why it is so important to the Aboriginal people. This man's story bewitched me as we sat there for hours, watching the sky change colors, and the lady of the night appear in the sky. We kept talking and it caused me to lose any concept of time. I was so lost in this man's allegories and the familiarities it created for me. I felt like I had heard these legends before, even though I'd never been to Australia, nor read anything on the topic. I knew, deep within my soul, I'd once visited these lands in a past life. As if the man could read my thoughts, he told me, yes, I'd been to Uluru before as a warrior, protecting my people from the invaders.
Suddenly, I realized my cell was ringing. I pulled it out of my pocket, and looked at it with shock. Why had I not heard it before now? Surely Edward was wondering where I was. I quickly realized it was 3am when a very worried Edward wanted to know where I was, and why I hadn't answered any of his other 11 phones calls or 30 texts. I was shocked by what his inquires. When I checked my cell, sure enough it showed all his missed messages and calls. I told Edward I was heading back to the hotel, and I was fine and would explain when I got back.
Why had I not heard it? Was there no reception? If not, then why did I have it now? Looking away from the phone I realized I was alone. The man that was telling me his stories had left me here by myself - with no light to guide me down the trail on the hillside. I started to get angry at being left alone in the dark.
I started to trek down Uluru with only the dim light from my cell and the glow from the full moon to light my way. I fell a few times. About halfway down a guard from the base of the rock met me. He said he was getting concerned since I had been up there so long, and at night it gets very cold up there. On hearing this, I started to shiver and feel the cold all the way to my bones. The guard gave me his jacket to wear and guided me down the rock. I enquired about my companion as to how long he'd been down. The guard looked at me confused and said I was the only one up there. He showed me the visitor's book - where I had signed - there were no other signatures after mine. My name was the last registered.
What really happened at the top? I really don't know and feel I probably will never know.
It was coming to the end of our trip, so we decided to extend it by a week and take a road trip around parts of the country we hadn't seen. By this time, I was starting to get tired; falling asleep if I was still for more than a few minutes. Even finding foods and drinks that were similar to back home still tasted different. I was always feeling sick and vomiting during the last week of our trip. Edward was getting so worried about me, even though I told him I was fine. He didn't believe me and wanted us to fly home right away so I could be checked out by our family doctor.
I had my suspicions of what was going on - all the signs were there; a missed cycle, although that was nothing uncommon, tender breast, being tired all the time, nausea, vomiting, and mood swings.
Two days before we were to fly out of Sydney to return home, I finally found a pharmacy and got a pregnancy test. It was one of those digital tests that tells you if you are and approximately how far along you are. I already knew the answer, but I had to be sure; all the while hiding the evidence from Edward until we got home because he would be insane - trying to keep me safe and from harm.
So, I waited for Edward to go for his daily run to take the test. The results were as I expected. Now, all I'll have to do is keep myself safe, protected, listen to my body's needs, and make sure to hide the evidence before Edward gets back.
Dearest Emma,
Can you guess what the result were? I am sure you can. My next letter I will discuss your father's reactions and how obsessed he became, but as frustrating as he was, I still loved him.
Love always,
Bella Cullen
A/N, Yes, I left it on a cliffhanger, but there are enough clues as to what will happen.
Again, a big thank you to Sherry and Carole, my betas and of course you guys, my readers.