sorry chapters out of order, I just noticed I forgot to have this one edited and posted, all grammer and spelling errors are my own
A/N: From now on chapters will have a date but no year. I will be probably being jumping forward by years or more depending on the events in Bella's life.
The plot and storyline I own but the rest is Stephanie Myer's creations. I do not own or have rights to Twilight.
Also see my AN note at bottom for exciting news.
8th January
Dearest Emma,
Now you know what has happened to you, today I want to tell you about our darkest days. It's hard to write and for you to read, but the darkest needs to be faced to bring us light.
I was only allowed to hold you for a few minutes as I was unable to deliver the afterbirth and needed to have it surgically removed. All I wanted to do was to hold you for as long as I could. Your father and I were in shock and devastated. Before they took me to operating theatre I had your father promise to stay with you and to make sure the tiny blanket Alice had given us you were wrapped In.
I woke as I was being returned to my room, my first words "Where is my daughter? Then I spotted your
father in the room. I was getting agitated, Edward had promised me he would not leave you, he was
there but you were not, I wasn't very coherent and the nurses and Edward tried to calm me. No one
would tell me where you were, then everything went dark.
I woke sometime later in the morning, remembering where I was and why I was here. I began to sob
uncontrollably and your father rushed to my side. I could see the devastation on his face and knew it was all real. Your father just held me while I cried until there were no tears left. I asked for you and your father placed you in my arms, you were so tiny but so precious. I refused to put you down.
Charlie showed up sometime in the midmorning and we introduced him to his only grandchild. he held
you and cried but, said you were so beautiful and looked just like me. Charlie stayed for several hours,
and encouraged me to sleep some more. I curled myself around you I refusing to let you go, I have very
little time with you and wanted what I could get.
When I woke again, the nurse had come in and said there was a photographer at the hospital that
offered their services free to bereaved parents who wanted to have photos taken with their baby.
We agreed, if this was the only way to have as much physical type proof you were with us, we wanted to do it
Alice had called during that morning to see how we were, and asked if she could come to meet her goddaughter. Alice and Jasper arrived later that afternoon, they knew how we were feeling. Alice talked about ways to remember you, how to create physical memories and the importance of having some sort of memorial service. That she had already spoken with a funeral home that could help make all the arrangements for you.
All I felt was numb, lost. I just thanked her for thinking of the things I couldn't. The next t few days all I
did was cry or take strong painkillers so that I was so high I didn't know what was happening, your father
tried his best to help me, but he was hurting just as much as I was, yet her knew one of us had to keep going. We had to organize our final goodbye to you. Music was chosen (Amazing grace for everyone entering service, Small Bump by Ed Sheeran, Unforgettable by Nat King Cole as family leave the service) words were chosen, there were to be no flowers, but we wanted everyone to wear something pink if they could and anyone wanting to give a token was to donate their money to a charity of their choosing in your name.
It was two weeks later we had our final goodbye to you. it was a small gathering just family and a few friends. Emmett stood by your father holding him strong, as they brought your tiny coffin into the room. I had arranged before they closed your coffin for your father to have some time with you alone, he wanted to give you a few things of us to take with you. Emmett held your father as he finally broke down since his parents were not there for Edward. I will not go into too much detail about Esme and Carlisle's lack of support for their eldest son, instead they (she) acted like it was happening to them. I was so mad that Charlie and Alice had to take me away to that I'd calm down before your memorial service.
During your service, a poem I'd written for you was read, kind words were said exchanged and we gave our final goodbye.
Emma Hope Cullen
We had given up hope
But you surprised us with two pink lines
You were a fighter from the beginning
Making sure you stayed with us
We were filled with so much joy and happiness
Each time we saw you and watched you on the screen
You made us cry, we loved you so much from the beginning
Then, for some reason yet to know why
It was decided it was time for you to arrive
Far too early
You were born sleeping
But you were so beautiful to your dad and mom
You had the best of both of us in you
Emma, know that you will always be with us
You will never leave our hearts
Your life will always be celebrated
And we will always carry you with us
Love mom and dad
Now, we had to learn to live without you, we had no idea what to do. I really wanted to just end the
pain. I knew from Alice it was going to be the worst thing we will ever experience. Slowly, we found
online groups and gatherings where bereaved parents could talk and support each other. I did everything
I could think of to stop from feeling.
I didn't want to face the pain of not having you with us.
We received the call your ashes were ready, so your father and I drove to a spot I knew of, lookout in the
mountains not far from our condo, about an hour from us. We had little tea candles lite, and balloons to
release. A breeze picked up as we scattered your ashes and released the balloons.
At home, we kept a small urn with some of your ashes so we'd always have you with us.
The first year was extremely hard, learning to let go of you and our dreams. I did everything I could to
Keep your memory alive. I wasn't coping very well with your loss. I withdraw from everything and everyone, including your father, I had not idea the impact of your loss was having on him.
The most painful events were our first Easter and Christmas without you and your due date. Each event we Spent alone, refusing to be with any other family members or friends, we refused to attend birthday parties.
Your first birthday was extremely hard on the both us. We cried, fought, and just wanted to give up but
We did not. Each birthday, Easter, Christmas we visit you, take you bestows we know you will never receive them.
Your second birthday hit me the hardest, I had wanted to have a party for your second birthday but as the day loomed closer, I could not even do it, we even had a birthday cake made for you.
I could not even visit you that day, I just wanted to end it all, I Not move from the lounger, not even to pee, it was like it was happening all over again. I remembered Everything, every word spoken, every look and fear that I had. I was trapped in the past and could not Move forward. We even had a beautiful cake made to share with family and those who you were Important to.
I could not face anyone. I just wanted to die.
Dearest Emma,
With your father's help and love we did move forward. Though this is painful to talk about and
Remember there are good times ahead, your father and I made major changes in our lives, but the
Story does get getter
Love always your Mom
Bella Cullen
A/N. Thank you as always for sticking around, the story is about to take a turn for the better, there
Will still be some angst but things are looking up and brighter for Bella and Edward.
A special thank you to my Beta's Sherry Neal and Carole Long.