"If only if only you'd ask me again
I'd give you my hand
Let you take me
Across the sand."
– Into The Blue, Sara Jackson-Holman
Slow Burn
Chapter 20
When they arrive at the precinct on Monday, the bullpen is abuzz with gossip about the Ryan's wedding: who danced with whom, who went home with which bridesmaid, who got so drunk they fell over taking a waiter and a tray of drinks down with them.
Castle and Beckett are apart from it all, breathing their own air inside an iridescent bubble of happiness. Kate sits at her desk attempting (pretending) to read files while Castle sits in his chair distracting her with more success than he achieved over the last four years combined.
"Yo! Earth to Mama and Papa bear!" Esposito yells, catching them with their heads together, fingers touching, their faces made stupid by soppy smiles.
They spring apart.
"Can I do you, Espo?" Kate blurts sending Castle snorting into his coffee cup. She looks livid though she is in fact embarrassed when she scrambles to issue a correction. Her hot eyes are trained on her partner's smirking face when she says, "I mean, what can I do for you, Esposito?" in a rather imperious tone. But as soon as she gets the words out in the correct order she has to resort to biting her lip to stifle her own laughter.
Esposito shakes his head at them and wanders off to the break room to get more coffee, muttering to himself all the while.
"Missed you both at the reception the other night," Gates says in her steely voice on a rare foray out of her office. "Mr. Castle you in particular."
Castle sits up straight, his face, at first slackened by surprise, lifts into a proud smile at the implied compliment. He fails to spot the glint in the Captain's eye and therefore the trap. He should know by now that with Gates there is always a trap. "Mm," she hums disapprovingly when he taps his chest, gesturing to make certain that she means him and not some other Mr. Castle. "There was cake. Very. Good. Cake. Not like you to miss out on an opportunity like that."
Kate turns her head away but that is insufficient, it isn't working, and she has to grab her open file and stand. She's choking on laughter as she mumbles something about a photocopy and hurries away leaving Castle mystified and alone in the bullpen.
Castle corners Kate in the copy room. "Did she just insult me? I think she just insulted me? Is that the height of my reputation around here? The guy who likes cake? Am I just a joke to everyone?" The hurt in his eyes tells Kate that it's time to put an end to this line of teasing once and for all. She has something to tell him, something she should have shared a long time ago.
She dumps the file she'd been pretending to copy and takes him by the hand, leading him back down the hallway towards the break room where she stops rather abruptly. Castle crashes into her. To steady them both his hands briefly land on her hips until images from their shower scene this morning flood back to scald his eyelids, and he whips his hands away as if Kate is a white-hot coal, which is not too far from the truth.
When she turns to face him, her expression is as serious as his from just a moment ago. "Okay, you have to listen to me. You know who was a joke around here?"
Castle frowns, at an utter loss to see where this might be going. Thankfully, Kate's question is rhetorical and so she motors on without waiting for an answer. She lowers her voice so that only Castle can hear. "Remember last night when we were talking about your disastrous trip to the Hamptons with Gina? Well, there was something I didn't tell you, something I really should have said. You asked if I was jealous?"
"And I noticed you didn't answer," Castle admits. "Since a gentleman never presses a lady for a compliment, I let it drop." He follows this up with an eager, "So…were you? Jealous?"
Kate crosses her arms defensively and scuffs the floor with the toe of her shoe. "Add heartbroken, embarrassed, and sick to my stomach to that list and you're getting close to how I felt when you walked away with your arm around her."
She looks up at him, watching her words sink in. Then she frowns and shakes her head, dissatisfied with her own description. "Actually, none of that even comes close to how bad I felt that day, Castle." She prods him in the shoulder, hard, and he pulls back, crying, "Ow!" and rubbing at the sore spot.
She gestures behind her to the break room, remembering the happy scene that took place just behind the glass when Montgomery and the boys toasted their success in solving the case and a blissful summer full of romantic possibility seemed on the horizon. "We were celebrating…do you remember?"
"I remember you flirting with me. Lanie warned me against getting into a drinking contest with you, and you said, Oh, I don't need to drink to take him. That got my attention."
Kate tilts her head in surprise. "You remember that?"
"Word for word. You looked so sweet and, yet, so coy and sexy. The way you smiled at me when you slugged your beer…" He drifts off into a dreamy reminiscence.
"And when I asked to talk to you. Outside. Do you remember me stumbling my way through a…painfully awkward conversation here in the hallway?"
He frowns again, trying to summon the scene so he might be able to unravel why she's telling him this, what was so important about that afternoon. "I recall you thanking me. That was kind of a rare event back then, a nice surprise. You said you'd had fun working with me."
"Yeah. Well, I was building up to this whole big announcement. I almost had the words out, too, and that was right when Gina walked in." She closes her eyes. "God, I was so embarrassed."
"What? Why were you embarrassed? And what exactly were you trying to say?"
She bites her lip then takes a deep breath. She raises her eyes from the floor to Castle's face. "I was trying to tell you that…um…I broke up with Tom." She pauses briefly when emotion swamps her because she feels as if she's right back there, in the middle of a do-over two years down the line. She hurries on even as Castle's eyes are widening. "I broke up with Tom so that I could go with you to the Hamptons, Rick. That is what I was trying so hard to say. And when you left with her…" She swallows thickly. "I felt crushed. I felt crushed and embarrassed because I knew that Lanie and the guys were watching us and…" She purses her lips, shakes her head, and shrugs. "So…now you know. You're not the only one who's ever been a laughing stock around here."
He reaches for her, but she pulls away because talking about this again, on the very spot where it happened, makes it hurt even more. She lost faith in him that day and it took her a long time to recover. For the rest of that summer, when he didn't call and stayed away, she imagined all the fun he must be having, torturing herself with images of her partner and his ex-wife skinny-dipping in his pool, drinking wine on his deck at sunset then sleeping naked in his bed. She wondered if she had just been a warm body for him to cuddle up to and if Gina was just another warm body, too; if any woman would do. She second-guessed what she'd come to believe was a true connection between them, deciding for a while that she'd imagined it all. It knocked her confidence in herself, in her judgment, as well as her faith in her partner.
She also pulls away now because there are people nearby and they haven't exactly decided how to handle their relationship, their engagement at work.
"I'm so sorry, Kate," Castle says quietly. He rubs the back of his neck. "I was an idiot back then."
"Yes, you were," Kate agrees without hesitation.
He holds up a hand. "In my defense, you did turn me down a couple of times. And you were dating Demming, with vacation plans of your own, I seem to recall."
"What? So you couldn't wait?" she asks, and it comes out as a terrible whine of hurt. "You couldn't stand to be alone for one weekend. You just had to go and hook up with your ex?"
"While you walked off into the sunset with Detective Robbery? No. I couldn't. And I'm ashamed to admit it, but Gina was my…poorly-judged backup plan," he mutters, eyes cast to the floor.
Kate puts her hand on her hip and juts out her chin. "How'd she feel about that? If she ever figured it out."
"Oh, she figured it out pretty quickly."
She smothers a smile. "Why? What happened? You didn't whisper my name while you were having sex, did you?"
"More like yelled," he says, ignoring Kate's shocked, delighted face to say, "But look…this is all ancient history." He glances around the bullpen then lowers his voice to a whisper. "We're engaged now."
She nods and moves closer to him. "My point exactly. So why are you worried what people think of you? Gates especially." She checks that no one is watching then she runs her knuckles down the front of his shirt and tugs on a button. "I chose you, Rick. I'm very proud of you. You're the best partner I could ever have. In work and in life. That's all that should matter."
"It does. She just…" He makes a face, irritation resurfacing and he growls, "She rubs me up the wrong way."
Kate looks like she's thinking for a moment then she takes a deep breath. "Come with me," she says, taking his hand.
She leads him to the Captain's door. By the time Castle registers where this is heading, he's digging his heels into the worn floor like a cartoon character trying to hold her back or at least slow her down until she can come to her senses.
"You can't do this. You'll get me fired," he protests. "Beckett, remember how you didn't want to be at your place anymore because I wasn't there?" He nods his head once and waits for the penny to drop.
"You're not seriously suggesting I'll resign from my job because you're not sitting in that chair?" Kate asks, pointing over to her desk.
"Won't you?" He tilts his head. "Why won't you?" he asks, sounding infinitely more hurt by that than by Gates' jibe about eating cake.
"Castle, it's my job. It's how I earn my living."
He starts to argue back. "But after we're⏤"
She grabs his sleeve and yanks him away from Gates' door. Maybe telling her about them right now isn't the best idea she's ever had. She wants more than anything to make Castle understand how proud she is to be with him, but perhaps this isn't the right way to go about it.
They sit back down at her desk, leaning close together to carry on their conversation. "After we're married I will still be doing my job. You know me. I could never be some little woman at home, baking cakes⏤" When Castle glares at her, she holds up her hand. "Sorry. Too soon, I know. But cake-baking aside, my point stands. Nothing changes in that department once we're married. I'm not living off the proceeds of your hard work no matter the input I may have had to the creative process."
He grins and lifts one eyebrow. "By creative input you mean all the dirty fantasies you inspired, right?"
Kate laughs. "So…you feel better now?" she asks as her phone chimes. When Castle nods, she says, "Great. I just got a text from Lanie. She has an update for us on our John Doe. We're needed at the morgue."
They settle into a routine, though both settle and routine are not words that could ever apply to them. They eat life up, vigorously and with both hands is more like the thing.
Castle does as he promised and arranges for movers to meet them at Kate's apartment on Sunday. She spends quiet moments during the week making lists of things she wants to bring with her to the loft, things she wants to dispose of or donate, and every time she sits down to this task Castle sits somewhere nearby, watching her, enjoying the heck out of the sometimes serene, sometimes excited, but always happy look on her face.
She approaches him about beloved items of furniture, quilts or accent pillows with the expectation of someone about to enter a high-stakes negotiation. But Castle just hauls her against his chest, kisses her hair and tells her that whatever she wants to bring is fine. He'll throw all of his furniture out, start a bonfire with it if it'll make her happy. He just wants her living under the same roof, sleeping beside him at night, making love, whispering secrets and making plans for the future, a future he feared, many, many times over, that he might never see.
On Saturday morning, they arrange to have brunch with Kate's dad. Castle is still feeling guilty that he never got a chance to ask Jim for her hand before he proposed, and so he wants to make amends. He is also terrified.
"I don't know why I threw this in here when I packed," Kate says from the depths of his closet, "but I'm glad I did."
Castle is lying on the bed in his underwear, with his hands behind his head, watching the floorshow. Kate disappeared into the closet wearing only a pair of white lace panties. After the squeak and rattle of hangers, she reappears wearing a coral-colored sundress.
"Wow!" he says, sitting bolt upright to get a better look. "I don't remember the last time I saw you in a dress. We need to have brunch with your dad more often."
Kate smiles then she twirls for him, her arms held out from her sides. He wolf whistles and she ends her spin with an embarrassed giggle, feeling ridiculous until she sees the smile she's put on his face, the arousal lighting up his eyes, that fierce look of love and excitement.
"Come on." She throws his pants at him. "You don't want to keep my dad from his pancakes. That would not be a good idea."
Castle scrambles off the bed. "Rick!" she squeals, trying to turn and make a run for the closet before he can catch her, scoop her up, pin her to the bed and crawl back in with her.
They're late for brunch.
"Katie!" Jim Beckett stands from the booth he's secured to wave at her. The diner is busy and noisy and he has to dodge a few heads to catch his daughter's eye as they approach.
"You didn't tell him I was coming," Castle mutters. He has his hand on Kate's hip as they make their way through the crush of kids, parents, grandparents, and twentysomethings slumped in booths nursing a coffee and a hangover. By the time they emerge from the crowd, Castle's hand is in his pocket.
Kate doesn't have to confirm that she neglected to tell her dad Castle was coming to brunch, or that she failed to explain why she called the breakfast meeting in the first place, because it's written all over Jim Beckett's face.
"Katie," Jim says, banishing the expression of puzzled surprise to kiss his daughter on the cheek and pull her in for a hug. He whispers something in her ear that makes her blush, but it's too noisy in the diner to give Castle any chance of hearing let alone lip-reading what is said.
Kate turns to Castle, stunning him by holding out her hand. Jim stays silent, watching them closely as Castle takes the hand she's offering, allowing her to reel him into her side. "Dad, you remember Rick," she says, her hand now resting in the middle of his back as she presents her partner to her father. The blush on her cheeks deepens and her eyes light up when she looks at Castle. Her gaze darts down to his mouth before she can stop herself and her pupils widen. She takes a step back to give her father and her partner room to greet one another.
"Good to see you again, son," Jim Beckett says, giving Castle's hand a firm shake.
"Likewise, sir," Castle says, unexpectedly finding himself about as nervous as he's ever been.
"Katie failed to mention you were joining us. Last minute thing, was it?" he asks his daughter.
"Sorry to ruin your breakfast," Castle says. "We wanted to talk to you about something." Castle turns to Kate and she nods for him to continue. "Something important."
Jim looks from Castle to Kate and back again. "Okay," he says. "Well, then maybe we should sit. From the look on both your faces, I think at least I should sit. And, please, Rick, call me Jim? All that sir business makes me feel like an old man."
Jim sits on one side of the table and Kate ushers Castle into the other side then she slides in next to him.
"So…you two look about as nervous as a patent attorney in a bond court. If Katie wasn't so darned careful with money and you, Rick, weren't so…shall we say successful, I'd think you'd teamed up to ask me for a loan."
Castle laughs nervously, proving Jim's point. His knee is jackhammering under the table and he seems unable to stop it. He feels Kate's hand land on his thigh and she applies some reassuring pressure.
"Maybe I should go visit the ladies' room. Let you two talk."
Jim looked puzzled, but Castle's mind is swiftly made up at the thought of being left alone to tackle the formidable lawyer without Kate by his side. "We're getting married!" he blurts, surprising everyone, himself included.
A woman at the next table looks over and smiles. She claps her hands together and mouths, "Congratulations!" Kate smiles back and nods her thanks. Jim is in shock.
Castle tries to recover the situation. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spring it on you like that."
Jim looks at Kate. He narrows his eyes. "I think my daughter had something to do with the springing, too. This isn't all on you, son."
Castle holds up his hands in a placating manner. "If I'd planned it properly, of course, I would have come to you in advance and asked for Kate's hand."
"How many times have you been married, son?" The question comes out of left field; it isn't what Castle is expecting at all.
"Dad!" Kate exclaims, scandalized.
Castle touches her arm. "It's okay. It's a fair question. Twice. I've been married twice before. Still on good terms with both my exes," he adds, though he's not entirely sure why this would be a comfort to any prospective father-in-law. He wouldn't find it comforting if Alexis presented a future husband with that kind of track record. He's an idiot.
"You don't have to explain yourself," Kate says quietly. "You really don't."
"No. It's okay, Kate, I want to." He turns to face Jim, who's watching them both like a hawk. "I love your daughter, sir. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, no lengths I wouldn't go to protect her. Not that she needs my protection," he quickly adds. "She is simply the best thing that has ever happened to me, personally and professionally. I love her with everything I have. I owe her so much. And I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I've never felt this way about anyone before. We are each other's best friend. We're on the same wavelength." He looks at Kate and laughs. "Well, most of the time. We finish…"
"Each other's sentences," she bumps his shoulder and chuckles, riffing off his slightly more relaxed state now that he's in his stride.
"We have fun together, as you can see. We work well together, we've been through hell together and we managed by some miracle to come out the other side still smiling, still…holding one another up. Sir, we've been tested and…we fought our way back to find one another again. Now, I just want the chance to spend the rest of my life making Kate happy. Because that's what she deserves. She is a wonderful human being. She's tough and strong, she's so smart, and she has compassion to burn. I know you know all of this already, but she still surprises me every day." He turns to look at Kate with so much love in his eyes. "So…I hope I can be there for her, holding her up when she needs it, making her smile. I will always have her back…always. You don't have to worry about that."
Kate leans into his side and drops her head onto his shoulder. He slips his arm around her, pulling her closer as he kisses her hair.
"Well? Dad, say something," Kate says, sniffing as she brushes away a tear and sits up straight again.
Jim watches them for a moment longer, gaze tracking carefully from one expectant face to the other. Eventually, he looks at Castle and nods. "That was quite some speech, Rick," he says in all seriousness. His voice is heavy with emotion.
Castle finds Kate's hand beneath the table and squeezes it. Kate squeezes back.
Finally, Jim Beckett cracks a smile. "I guess congratulations are in order. Do I get to see the ring?"
A/N: Thank you for your reviews and continued support. They really mean the world. Been listening to the song I quoted at the beginning of this chapter on repeat. It brings pleasure and painful memories both. Liv