...~^~...

Shepard sat in the mess hall, staring intently into her cup of coffee as if it held all the answers. If only it were that easy. She glanced at the clock; almost 2200. Of course she didn't have to look at the clock to know roughly what time it was. The mess hall was nearly clear, with only herself remaining at the table. She was usually in bed by this time. Unfortunately, sleep was the furthest from her mind. If she was going to fix this loop she was stuck in, she had planning to do. The first thing Jane resolved would need to happen was a proper confrontation with Nihlus. No games, no laughing, no flirting. He needed to be made aware of the situation and how serious it was. Most of all, he needed to be made to trust her. In fact, that was the main, if not only issue. It was easy for Shepard to tell Nihlus all about what was happening to her, but if he didn't trust or believe her then it was pointless to even talk to him.

She would be in denial if she said she hadn't thought of every possibility to a solution, including the scenarios where she killed him herself. It was of course, crazy, but how was she to know what was right and wrong? Was he another Jenkins, doomed to die on that planet without a second thought from the universe? It couldn't be…but then again she hadn't died right after Jenkin's death. It was only after watching Nihlus's that she would be caught and killed. She took a swig of her now stale and cold drink. Many of the possible solutions she had thought of were ones that would not be testable. At least not at the moment anyway. She didn't want to know what would happen if she died for good. The universe was giving her chance after chance to do something, she just needed to find out what it was.

Her brooding was interrupted by the most familiar of faces. Yet as he sat across from her, he felt far away; she was once again a stranger in his eyes.

"How's your coffee?"

"The best the military has to offer. Care for a sip?" She watched in amusement as he flicked a mandible out and drew his head slightly back in an action that looked like disgust.

"I'm alright, thanks. What are you doing up; you're usually in your bunk by this time."

"Been memorizing my schedule, I see?" So much for 'no games, no flirting'.

"Well, you're invading in my space after hours, Shepard. Just made an observation." As Nihlus stepped over to the small kitchen, Shepard mentally practiced what she might say to him. It was awkward for her to be talking to him so normally, as if everything were fine. How could she be the only one dealing with this? He was completely oblivious to her pain. She watched him die multiple times, and he was perfectly content and utterly ignorant of it all.

She sighed in defeat. It seemed she wasn't meant to get anywhere with this tonight anyway. "I just couldn't sleep."

Nihlus returned to the seat opposite her with a cup of his own. The steaming drink smelled of an herbal mixture and she watched curiously as he took a timid sip. "I always have a difficult time adjusting my sleep pattern to a new ship. What's your excuse?"

Shepard tensed a bit out of reflex. She had to remember that he wasn't aware of her duress. "Honestly? Nightmares, I guess."

"Mm." He nodded knowingly. "Spectres don't get nightmares. It's in the job description." Jane chuckled low and continued to hold her smile as she drank.

…~^~…

Jane looked over the edge of the overhang with her legs dangling in the air below. The view was breathtaking, and she felt oddly at peace looking out at the valley. Not ten minutes prior, she had watched Nihlus die for a fifth time. How strange to still be alive. Instead of running out or grabbing his attention somehow, she stayed hidden and watched. It was not what she had initially intended, however something made her legs lock up and keep her in her position behind the bushes. Peeking through the leaves was the only view offered of the treacherous scene. While the experience was angering (to say the least), Jane was grateful for it. A lack of answers had always left her confused and afraid. After seeing the entire betrayal, from Saren's appearance to the wound in her friend's head, Jane's mind was at rest in that aspect. She now knew the killer's name and why Nihlus was destined to die. There was much more to everything of course, but thinking on that could wait.

For now, she simply wanted to relax in silence. Her comm link was disconnected; no one could hear her and she thankfully couldn't hear them. It was the first time since it had all started that she was able to be completely alone. The only sound was the cawing of a heron, some couple hundred yards away. She watched it swoop down below the tree line, then back up to soar and glide further into the valley.

"I wish I could fly away from all of this." She whispered quietly to herself. Her gloved fingers rubbed a small button absentmindedly. Nihlus had given it to her before they parted ways. Jane smiled softly as she thought of how different each recurrence was. This particular time brought only joy into her heart. Fond memories of the past five days came to mind when she looked down at the button she held. They spent each night together in the mess hall, long after the day crew took to bed for the night cycle. Nihlus would tell her about his family and friends back on Palaven and she would talk about hers back on Earth. They swapped battle stories and mission adventures. They even discussed past lovers.

Each night became more and more personal, until it peaked during the last cycle before receiving the solemn transmission from Eden Prime. Instead of sitting across from her at the table, Nihlus had decided to seat himself at her side.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of smelling your BO even more strongly tonight?" she looked at him smugly as he gave a low rumbling chuckle.

"I need to get something off my chest, Shepard." He looked…nervous. It was highly plausible however, that Jane was simply misinterpreting his body language. Talking to a turian a few times did not suddenly make her an expert. She turned to face him and gave her full attention.

"I'm listening."

"I've enjoyed spending my nights with you. But, I need to tell you that I haven't been completely honest about my interest."

"What do you mean?"

"I nominated you personally for spectre candidacy."

Well that wasn't as bad as she had thought. "That's what you've been hiding from me? Nihlus, that news means a lot. I really appreciate your confidence in my abilities."

He shook his head slightly. "Well, that's not all. All of the things you told me; I knew already. The council doesn't fully trust you yet. So since I showed initial interest, they assigned me to…research you. I have a lot of files on you, so when you tell me all of these things about you…I just kind of play along with it."

It was certainly a lot to take in, but it was hardly terrifying or angering for Jane. Nihlus on the other hand seemed to think the world as they knew it was about to end. He was refusing to make eye contact with her, despite their close proximity. It was almost laughable how out of proportion it felt. The deed might not have been extremely honorable on the Council's part, but how was Nihlus to be blamed? He had simply been doing his job. Frankly, Jane thought it was nice of him to listen so patiently to her through their discussions even when he already knew everything she was saying. Perhaps she was biased; were it not for her…disagreements with time, she might be inclined to think him an invasive prick. But at this point, Shepard felt she knew more intimate things about Nihlus than he could have ever found about her through a simple glance at her military personnel files.

They had spoken so many times without this current Nihlus's knowing. She knew about the small scar across the side of his neck from a wild varen attack in his childhood. She knew about how rough his time before spectre-hood was. But it wasn't just these details about his life or experiences. Those things could be found by anyone with high enough security clearance. The previous conversations with his past selves revealed many quirks about his personality and demeanor. She had noticed almost immediately how quickly he had warmed up to her when she initiated conversation. It always tugged at her interest when she watched him interact in a very neutral manner towards the rest of the crew. But when he spoke to her, his eyes seemed to light up and his mannerisms seemed to be more enthusiastic and pronounced. Where he was usually mild mannered and stoic, with her he was lively and humorous.

So it wasn't a surprise to Jane that he was currently acting so guilty. She suddenly had a small, creeping thought that maybe this turian cared for her. It was a sweet thought, that someone so different could relate to her so easily. She placed a warm hand on his shoulder and gazed reassuringly into his face.

"It's alright Nihlus. Maybe next time you should stop me before I go on with telling you a story you already know. I bet you've been bored to death talking to me." She gave a small laugh and took a final sip of her coffee.

Nihlus breathed and leaned against the table, his demeanor now showing a guilt-free conscience. "Either way, I'm sorry for invading your privacy. I wanted to give you something; or rather, make you a promise."

Nihlus held out a closed fist in the air in front of her, and gestured to have her hand. Jane curiously opened her palm.

"It's my pin I received when they inducted me into Spectre training. I'm not sure how it works with humans, but I think letting you hold onto mine will show you that I intend to keep my promise."

"What promise?"

"To do everything in my power to get you recruited as a Spectre." Jane laughed. It wasn't the kind of laugh she would give when something was funny. This one rang with sarcasm and a few underlying tones of pain. She would hide it as she always did, with humour. "How do you know I even want to be a Spectre?" she asked with a half-hearted smile.

"If you truly didn't have ambitions of that caliber, I wouldn't be as vested in your success as I am. You would make a useful addition to the team." He straightened and closed her hands around the pin for her. "I like you , Shepard. Should you accept it, my recommendation is yours alone."

She gingerly held the pin as hot tears welled in her eyes. It was beautifully adorned with gold flecked leaves along the edge. Inside the ring of leaves was script, which she recognized as the turian language. It was the most endearing gift she had ever received, even if the promise that came with it would be for naught. Her eyes lifted to Nihlus's again as she sniffed away any inkling of her sorrows.

"I accept your promise, Nihlus."

The pin was a bit heavy in her fingers, no doubt from the weight of his death just moments ago. Jane tucked it into a small pocket on the inner lining of her chest piece, next to her heart. She leaned her elbows on her knees and wept quietly into the air. The tears dropped into the abyss beneath her, and she ignored any fear of falling. It was replaced with a dreadful sorrow that filled her entire being.

What was this emotion? She had felt it each time he had departed from life. It had only been five times, but it felt like so many more. The stress of saving him ate away at her as she continued to cry over the cliff side. How could she be so weak? So powerless? Was this a cruel lamentation for some unspeakable act she committed? Jane couldn't conjure any memory of a heinous crime that would warrant such terrible punishment.

She was unimaginably full of sorrow. The only emotion that measured up with this one was anger. After her quick breaths subsided and the only remnants of her sobs were a slight puff to her eyes, she sat back and planned. Anger was what drove her to her next conclusion. Saren needed to die. For Nihlus's sake; for her sake. This particular death hadn't brought about her own, so she would use this chance at a continued life wisely.

…~^~…

1 year. One full year had passed since Nihlus's death. Jane sat in the cargo hold, just as she always had since she escaped Eden Prime with her life. She had hers, but Nihlus didn't. The call of vengeance was the only thing that pushed her to go forward and move on with her life. Although, her way of living afterwards was hardly 'moving on'. Every move she made was in memory of her friend. Every choice she took, every path she walked was all for Nihlus. And after one terribly drawn out year, Jane had finally succeeded.

Her hands shook as they always seemed to do now, and she reached hastily into her pocket. Nervous fingers greedily took his pin from beneath her clothing and twirled it about. It was a relaxing totem for her; one that worked well to ease tension, even if it was only a small amount. Shepard leaned against a provisions crate and closed her eyes, tightly clutching her gift.

"Hey, Skipper. What's eating you, shouldn't you be on deck, leading us to another victory?" Shepard creeked open an eye. It was Ashley.

"What about you, lieutenant? Not having enough fun ordering the new recruits around?"

Ashley laughed shortly and sat next to her. "Not nearly enough opportunities for that, actually. Briggs took it upon himself to assign them all to new stations. I gave up trying to get them back to my area and came down here for some fresh air. You know how stuffy it can get on the bridge. Besides, it feels oddly silent without any non-human conversations." She twiddled her thumbs in thought before continuing. "I wish we didn't all split up like we did. Garrus, Liara, Wrex…all of them. I miss them all."

Jane hummed softly in agreement and looked down to her totem. Still safe and in her palm, exactly where it should be. While she missed the crew, same as her lieutenant, she still missed Nihlus more. It was difficult to think of anything else, and if Jane didn't know any better, she'd say she were in love with him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Shepard rolled her eyes before closing them once more. "There isn't anything to talk about, Ash."

The lieutenant was silent, and Jane swore she could feel Ashley's eyes boring through her very soul. Maybe if she stayed quiet with her eyes closed, the problem would leave. However, upon opening her eyes again, Shepard found Ashley still next to her, peering down at the pin.

"What's that, boss?"

"It's my friend's Spectre pin. He gave it to me before he died."

"I'm sorry for your loss, Commander." Ashley was polite enough to not press it and remained quiet. But Shepard needed this. She couldn't keep her feelings within her forever.

"Today is the anniversary of it." Shepard whispered into nothing as she held the scuffed and faded gold pin between her fingers.

"Look, I can empathize with what you're going throu-"

"No you can't. You have no idea what I am going through; what I went through, Ash."

Ashley's face softened and she touched her Commander's shoulder in earnest. "I can try to imagine. I just want you to know that I'm here for you."

"I just…For so long, all I've wanted to do was kill Saren. I wanted to steal the breath away from that sniveling excuse of a turian in vengeance for Nihlus's murder. It finally happened… only for me to find out that he might not have been completely at fault. That he might have been mentally unstable."

The lieutenant fidgeted under Shepard's lost gaze. "Well, I mean, it seems like the Reapers are capable of a shit load of things…mind control included."

"But where will it end? I still feel like I'm on a wild goose chase, even though I already caught one."

The two women looked hard at each other. Both knew the other agreed with that statement. A break had never come to them in the long year that passed. When one finally did reach them, it was always interrupted.

This one was no exception, as Joker's voice through the loud speaker snapped them out of their lull.

The Normandy was under attack.

…~^~…

She thought of Nihlus when she suffocated. The deaths that Shepard had experienced were quick and nearly painless. This one was different. It had been slow and agonizing, like she was being cooked on a spit, rotating and spinning to her doom. As much as she hated to admit, Jane was absolutely terrified of dying. The process felt almost forced, as if something wanted to draw it out as much as possible before finally letting go peacefully. Still, no matter how painful it was, she still lingered on the memory of him. She thought of his deep chuckle when she amused him, the one that seemed to be only reserved for her. She thought of his brightly colored eyes glinting in the dim lighting of the mess hall, as they watched her tell a story.

As the colors around her faded to gray, she visualized his face in the cargo hold when he pushed her lightly before she took the shot.

Shepard realized she wasn't ready. She needed to continue, needed to carry on for his sake. The colors came back as her last fighting will to live flared up in a desperate attempt at surviving. She looked around and she was falling. And suddenly, her body became fully aware of everything around her. Her suit was compromised from her free fall through a thick atmosphere and her oxygen supply was almost gone. Her lungs strained themselves to suck in what little air she had left. She wasn't ready. Her helmet was nearly shattered, cracked so fully that she could barely see anything outside of her armor. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Shepard needed to fight. But the death that was so long overdue came rushing to her, overtaking her body in full force.

She woke again in the cargo hold, winded and coughing in a vain attempt at breathing new life into them. Nihlus was next to her then with the polishing pad still in his hand.

"You alright, Shepard?" One look at his eyes had her promptly sitting up. She reached her trembling hands up to hold his face. Tugging his mandibles, she pulled him into a kiss.

...~^~...