A/N: Here's chapter 8! Buckle your seatbelts. ;) This chapter has been hard to write, I hope I got all the emotions right and smooth. ^^" And I hope there's not too much sadness or drama idk? And sorry this is so long! D: I couldn't help it!
A sincere thank you for everyone for reviewing/faving/following/reading! I appreciate you all very much! *heart*
Chapter 8: I'm Not Gay, But…
It was January 19th, his birthday.
Kankuro the blabbermouth had revealed this unnecessary piece of information to Naruto, who in turn had started fussing over the fact in a very expected way. Gaara's refusals had met deaf ears when he had expressed his distaste for such celebrations.
And that had led him standing in Kankuro's kitchen, an exuberant Naruto by his side. Thanks to some momentary insanity, Gaara had decided to abandon his usual formal dress code and instead attend this little celebration clad in his skinny jeans and a black V-neck shirt he had bought on impulse. Kankuro had not noticed anything out of ordinary on him, thankfully, but the way Naruto had quickly glanced at his throat made him long for his button-up shirt.
Kankuro was in the other room taking a call. A little cake made by Naruto stood in the middle of the table, but Gaara was more interested in the quality of coffee served, than any sugary treat.
Because of that, his gaze had instantly been glued to the brand new espresso machine that stood on the counter. Like bewitched he had made his way towards it, enchanted by the faint aroma of dark roast coffee that came from it.
"Is this the newest model?" Gaara asked in awe.
"Yeah, I guess it is. This makes the best coffee you can have," Naruto told and stood next to him, admiring the appliance.
In Gaara's opinion his friend was maybe standing a bit too close to him. Their shoulders were touching and their proximity just seemed unnecessary in this spacious kitchen. He was about to take a step away, when Naruto's friendly hand on his shoulder nullified his plans.
"This thing can also froth milk," Naruto explained and excitement danced in his blue eyes. His golden locks reached his eyebrows and even in the middle of winter he looked tanned. The azure crystal hung around his neck like a grand prize.
Gaara found it hard to tear his attention away from Naruto. What had gotten into him lately? All these weird thoughts and notions he had been making were something out of ordinary. Maybe this was what friendship was supposed to feel like?
When Naruto's hand left his shoulder a tiny wave of disappointment washed over him, for reasons too murky for him to see. He turned to look at his friend, only to see he had gone to the other side of the room in search of some napkins.
A second later, Kankuro walked into the kitchen.
The cake was delicious, Gaara had to admit and even though he wasn't one to enjoy sugary treats―or food in general―he found himself going for the seconds again. What was it in Naruto's cooking that made him do that?
When Naruto was busy with the dishes, Gaara and Kankuro were left sitting at the table all by themselves.
"So… How's mom and dad," Kankuro asked with visible reluctance.
And Gaara replied with equal unwillingness, "I haven't heard of them over a month or so."
Kankuro shot a dark, knowing glance at him, "That could mean they're doing fine…"
"…Or that they're dead," Gaara finished the thought left unsaid.
"If that was the case, surely somebody would've noticed and eventually informed us."
"Maybe," the redhead wondered, "But maybe that would be the better option out of the two."
"Tell me about it," Kankuro sighed and glanced out of the window with his shoulders slumped. It seemed their home life wasn't completely washed out of him, either.
Some minutes were spent in mutual silence to give them time to erase all thoughts and memories of their unhappy family. Kankuro glanced over his shoulder at the happily humming blond, and then turned back to Gaara.
"You know… he can't stay here every night because of certain things," the brunet started uneasily. "I was thinking that maybe you could accommodate him in the meanwhile. I mean you have a spare bed and you're not living with anyone at the moment, are you?"
Gaara was a bit surprised by the request. Didn't his brother know that ever since New Year, Naruto had spent each and every one of his homeless nights at his place?
At the sink, Naruto had momentarily stopped humming.
"Sure. I don't mind," Gaara replied and sipped his coffee.
"Thanks," Kankuro smiled relievedly. Then he looked at the blond over his shoulder, "Isn't that great, Naruto?"
The blond only grinned in return.
In the evening the three of them were watching a movie on the couch. Naruto sat in the middle, munching butter-flavored popcorn hungrily no matter that he had just eaten half of a birthday cake. Gaara watched as the blond's greasy fingers reached for the remote but the brunet managed to snatch it out of his reach. With a sympathetic glare, Kankuro turned up the volume. Naruto thanked and wiped his buttery fingers on his pants.
Another phone call drew Kankuro out of the room. With an apologetic look on his face, he came back after a while and told them he had to quickly drop by at work. There was an emergency and Tenten and the others couldn't handle it by themselves.
Naruto's expression soured and the only reason Gaara noticed it was because he was sitting so close to him. Before the blond could speak out any cheery, altruistic reply, Kankuro was already out of the door.
Dark cloud hovered over Naruto for a while. Rather angrily, he bit the popcorns and his unfocused eyes stared at the television screen, seeing nothing.
"I don't mind if it's just the two of us," Gaara found himself saying. It was just an attempt to lift up the mood, nothing else.
Naruto's frustrated munching stopped and he turned his surprised eyes on him. There were at least three shades of blue in there, vivid and deep and rich. A crumb of popcorn fell from his cheek somewhere in between them.
"I'm sorry he had to leave," Naruto apologized for the brunet's sake, "And on your birthday, too."
"I don't care about either of those," Gaara told truthfully. "The only thing that matters…" he stopped in the middle of his sentence, as it dawned on him what he was about to say.
Lately, his thoughts had taken a strange turn and in the most unexpected places he could find an association to something Naruto had said or done. Like only yesterday when he had seen a yellow hot-air balloon sailing on a cloudless, azure sky. For some reason it had reminded him of Naruto.
Gaara cleared his throat, "The only thing that matters is that you didn't go too overboard with these arrangements." He was referring to Naruto's original plan of inviting people and taking the celebration out to a nice restaurant.
Naruto's grin grew wider and he pinched his cheek humorously. Gaara wasn't sure if he found the comedy in that but let his friend do it, anyway. When the blond saw his darkening expression, his smile turned even more luminous. Naruto was about the only person who he let get away with something like that.
"It feels like it has been forever since Christmas. I've missed our little holiday," the blond told.
"Me, too," Gaara admitted.
Just like Christmas and now his birthday, too, Naruto had made both celebrations special in a way only he could. When he suddenly realized that the next Christmas Naruto would be spending here instead of his place, he suddenly felt saddened.
But right before his depression could spiral out of control, a light touch on his knee brought him back to the present. What he expected to be a more permanent contact turned out to be just a quick, friendly pat meant to cheer him up.
"I wish life could always be like it was back in those days," Naruto confessed and now there was a hint of sadness in his voice, too.
"I know," Gaara agreed again, not sure if he would be comfortable with these confessions later on. But there was something in the air that made it easier for him to open up.
"You're very different from your brother."
"How so?"
"You tolerate my everyday side a lot better," the blond said like it was something humorous.
Gaara wasn't sure how to interpret that. "Is everything okay between you two?"
Naruto twiddled the hem of his shirt a while before replying, "I guess. It's just… he's been so busy with work lately. And that Tenten you probably remember from New Year's party has been calling him to work at evenings on a regular basis."
"Tenten? Was he the man with short, brown hair who kept on staring at Kankuro all evening?" Gaara asked.
Naruto fell silent all of a sudden. There was a confused look on his face.
"Just forget it," Gaara apologized and pondered if he should leave. It felt like a tempting idea, until he realized that it would only leave his friend sitting here all alone, wondering why his boyfriend was absent again.
"Look, let's not think about it anymore, alright? And hey, um, I wish this would stay just between us, okay? I don't want your brother to hear about my concerns," Naruto said finally and the cheery blue in his eyes had dulled into grayish navy.
Gaara wanted to wipe that private sorrow out of his face by telling him something encouraging instead.
"I'm sorry. But just so you know, this is the best birthday I've had so far and it's all thanks to you."
The change was instant and positive. There was no holding back that luminous, thankful smile on Naruto's face. His angelic aureole illuminated the whole room, the whole apartment, and Gaara longed for a pair of sunglasses and a tube of sunscreen. Otherwise, he surely would end up sunburned.
"Wanna hear about my worst birthday?" Naruto chuckled and leaned more comfortably against the cushions like he was the audience waiting for the show, and not the storyteller in the spotlight.
"It was my seventeenth birthday and back then mom was borderline obsessed about me not having a girlfriend yet. I was sick of her telling me the same story all over again, how she'd spent 10 hours pushing my big head out of her womb, and that the least I could do was to make her happy on one day of the year. So, I eventually agreed to ask the girl from next door to a drive-in movie," Naruto explained elaborately.
"She asked me if her boyfriend could come along. Her parents didn't know of the guy back then. It was just another secret kept from the world so I felt sympathy for her. Throughout the movie, they were making out in the backseat of my dad's car, while I sat in the front and ate three bowls of popcorn," the blond told, sighing at the end of the story like he was filled with nostalgia.
"I'm so sorry for you," Gaara said with a little amount of amusement. "If that was your worst, what was your best birthday?"
"I think it's yet to come," Naruto said with a confident smile, like he was promising himself that something good would come up if he only waited long enough.
"Hey Naruto…" Gaara started, his attention momentarily on the movie that played in the background, forgotten. "How did you know you were gay?"
It took Naruto by surprise, given how silent he was. When he spoke, his voice was careful and quiet like he didn't want anyone else to hear.
"It just… It was the only thing that felt right for me, being with another guy."
It sounded simple, albeit it probably had been a rocky path.
Gaara was unsure if he should just stop talking altogether but even so, he found himself asking, "Have you ever dated women?"
"I have. Once," Naruto told, "But it just never led anywhere, if you know what I mean."
The redhead nodded. He was about to ask something more, but managed to gulp down the words before they escaped his mouth. He had a vague feeling this conversation was making his friend uncomfortable.
But the expression on Naruto's face was warm and welcoming. "In the end, the only thing that matters is how you feel around that person. How your heart speeds up, how you feel absolutely delighted and frightened at the same time, how you feel all giddy and delirious and you end up acting like a total goof."
"Yeah... It was nothing like that with my ex-wife," Gaara sighed, like he was disappointed in himself. "Now in retrospect, she turned out to be nothing but a combination of my mom and dad. It makes me feel like a freak."
"Don't be too hard on yourself," Naruto comforted and there was his radiating smile again, "To me it sounds like safety and routines are top priority for you. There's nothing wrong with that."
Gaara sighed heavily and closed his eyes. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about it."
His friend seemed to consider this for a moment until he replied, "How did you get through the divorce?"
Gaara was quiet, as if he calculated what to tell. "When I realized that living with her was just the same as living with my parents all over again, I knew I had to get out. But I wouldn't have been able to get through it if my sister hadn't been there for me."
"She sounds like a nice person."
"Yes she is, when she's on your side. Here's a friendly advice: don't cross her," Gaara told. "Thanks to how we grew up, she refuses to take shit from anyone. And insulting, drunken people are like a big, red flag for her."
"I can imagine," the blond said quietly and his eyes held the kindest look. His whole being reminded Gaara of summer. Hell, Naruto was the embodiment of summer, where ever he went. He was the never-setting sun and the searchlight of the lighthouse that cut through the night with astonishing ease.
Gaara frowned at his irrational thoughts. "Divorce made me cautious of people. It's hard to trust others, and it's hard to trust on my own ability to judge someone's character."
"Hey, it's alright. Everyone goes wrong once in a while," Naruto assured. "You can trust your instincts. Someone like you won't end up alone."
"But it's not easy. People are shallow and selfish, including myself," Gaara whispered, staring at the screen rather than at his friend.
"You're not shallow or selfish," Naruto corrected and placed his fingertip on the redhead's forehead. "You just keep on having these false perceptions about yourself in your head but remember, you're a great guy and a wonderful friend."
Gaara was momentarily captured by the depth in his friend's gaze. His heart was pounding for no reason at all and it only got stronger the longer he stayed in Naruto's sunlight.
It was too much in a very strange way and Gaara wondered if he should leave.
"Don't go."
Naruto's sad blue eyes were more tempting than any river he had seen. Quickly, Gaara averted his gaze but no sound came from his suddenly dry throat.
While the movie played on the screen, Gaara noticed his friend was sitting perhaps a little closer now than before. Naruto's hand rested on the back of the couch, just behind Gaara's head. Every now and then, a friendly ruffle on his hair happened, and Gaara found himself not bothered by it. When his friend's fingers eventually stayed longer and longer in his hair, he relaxed and leaned maybe a little closer to Naruto.
This was like a scalp massage and with a deep breath he closed his eyes.
When he opened them, it was only to notice azure gaze resting on him comfortably, without any trace of hesitation or untruthfulness. That was what Naruto was, honest and reliable. But then his eyes turned one shade darker.
"I have to confess something, Gaara."
That glint in the bottom of deepest blue caught his attention like a magnet.
"What is it?" the redhead asked, not sure if the deadpan look on his face was as perfect as he imagined. Heat found its way to his cheeks like an invisible hand was touching them tenderly.
A guilty look crossed Naruto's face, but then some sort of hidden amusement took over.
"Unlike on Christmas, this time I forgot to get you a present."
Gaara let out a poignant huff and suddenly the blush that had threatened to surface felt like the stupidest thing ever. "I don't care about presents, Naruto. I thought you'd know that by now."
"You seemed to like the picture I gave you," the blond only reminded.
"Well… Yeah, that was an exception," Gaara reluctantly admitted, "But I was not really expecting a birthday gift, anyway."
"I forgot to get you one, and I'm sorry. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you in any way you want," Naruto whispered with a mix of mischievousness and flirt.
Gaara rolled his eyes, for he knew his friend was only joking. The goofball was as it, again. But then Naruto leaned closer and drove away the little certainty Gaara still possessed. The last whiff of his breath hit against Gaara's lips and suddenly the world shrunk to the size of the couch.
"All you need to do is say what you want," Naruto said sensually and this time Gaara failed to see the humor that had to be hidden within those words.
There was no doubt of it. Healthy, uninvited blush was living on Gaara's cheeks. He could sense it just by the embarrassing heat on his skin, and even though they weren't touching each other, he could feel Naruto all over him.
"For god's sake, stop doing things like that," Gaara told and his face twisted into a soft scowl.
Naruto leaned away with a friendly chuckle, and it annoyed Gaara more than ever that on those whiskered cheeks, no trace of embarrassment was visible. It was not fair.
"Um, Na-Naruto," Gaara whispered like he was suddenly very innocent. Naruto's head snapped at his way quickly like someone had mentioned ramen around lunchtime. Gaara bit his inner cheek in order to hide his amusement. Who was the idiot now?
Gaara leaned closer to him, holding his innocent look. Azure depths ignited and Naruto's attentive gaze was nailed on his slightly parted lips, on his half-lidded eyes.
What a hopeless fool.
"Would you like to… you know," Gaara whispered, absentmindedly touching his collarbone like it was something accidental, and the bewildered look on Naruto's face was absolutely priceless. The dry gasp that struggled its way out of Naruto's throat was a victory enough for Gaara, and with a satisfied smirk he leaned away from him.
Until Naruto seized his wrist.
The blond looked desperate and alive at the same time, like a tiger hanging on a cliff, fearing for a fall that was just as plausible as it was painful. Naruto cupped his cheek, as if he was unsure Gaara was really there. His trembling thumb smoothed over his skin, and the hold on Gaara's wrist momentarily tightened when the redhead absentmindedly licked his dry lips.
And Gaara liked to tell himself afterwards, at home when he was all alone, that in that moment he had not really leaned closer, but further away, and if anything, he had felt pity towards Naruto over any other emotion.
Naruto pulled him closer until Gaara was hovering over him on all-fours. Lying on his back on the couch like he had surrendered, the blond looked innocent and hopeless. He was not the pushy guy who had the guts to hold him close while skating, and Gaara felt almost sorry for seeing him like that.
Until Naruto touched the small of his back and then his thumb vanished under the hem, brushing against his skin and making shivers run all over his body. Gaara placed his palm against Naruto's chest, just for the act of it, for even though he had started the joke this time, he was scared to admit that Naruto was rapidly getting ahead of him again.
He wondered if he should retreat and call this ridiculous thing off, but just then Naruto pulled him closer to lie on top of him. He stared at those vivid blue depths more closely than perhaps ever before. How could it be Naruto was so warm? Gaara felt like an icicle melting on a radiator, slowly but inevitably. And he tried to remind himself that he didn't care for this at all, that Naruto was just an annoying nuisance making a joke, until that goof's hot, trembling hand dived under his shirt, caressing his backside and sending a swarm of shivers into motion. Gaara couldn't choke back the gasp that shot through his lips and to Naruto's face.
When he later on recalled this moment by himself, he was quick to tell that by this point, he had confidently pushed himself away from the blond and smacked him on the head.
"N-Naruto…" he whispered and stayed, a thing Gaara later on debated had even happened.
When he squirmed, Naruto squirmed under him too. The shy blush on his tanned face was unseen and beautiful. Cerulean depths stared at him with transfixing intensity and Gaara was starting to think that the joke behind this all had gotten lost. The scent of Naruto's god-awful soap floated in his nose and Gaara buried his face in the crook on his neck. Up this close, the scent was just so strong it threatened to narcotize him. He stayed, and the warm hands holding his bared back stayed, too.
It was only when Gaara felt a slight brush of Naruto's lips on his neck that he flinched away to the other end of the couch. Naruto looked scared, too.
"S-Sorry," Naruto apologized, breathless.
"What the hell is wrong with you," Gaara snapped like this was all Naruto's fault, born out of his initiative.
"I know, I'm sorry," the blond whispered, and when the redhead only glared at him, he leaned closer and cupped Gaara's cheek. The blue in his eyes was warm and fiery, like a boiling ocean.
Gaara stared at him hazily but all words died and crawled somewhere, hidden, and he couldn't find them anymore. Naruto's breath was on his lips, all over him, and his backside shivered from the memory of his touch.
At home, at night, Gaara furiously told him it never happened. Yet even so it always popped up to the surface and caused a tingle in his guts, and lower, which was not totally unwelcomed.
Naruto's lips pressed against his to a sweet, tender kiss. Naruto's fingers got lost in his hair when he gently held him close, searching for any signal that this was somehow unwished. But such message never came, no matter the version of reality Gaara later on stuck to in his thoughts, and when Naruto brushed his tongue against Gaara's teeth, asking, Gaara let him in.
He was leaning against the cushions and Naruto lay between his legs, on top of his chest, holding his head and cheeks and hair and his restless breath was on his lips, in his mouth and it felt like it was all over some other places, too.
One detail Gaara was sure to avoid returning later on.
Naruto was hard. He could feel it like it was a promise of something forbidden.
"I can feel you too, Gaara," Naruto breathed in his ear and then tilted up Gaara's head and kissed along his jawline. But such thing felt a little too personal to be let others known. Gaara touched Naruto's cheek, tenderly making him stop. They stared at each other for a while. The carefree cerulean had dimmed into restrained navy and the goddamned soap scent had stuck to Gaara's clothes and to his skin.
"Get off me," Gaara said and pushed his friend away. He was getting angry, maybe more at himself than at Naruto, for letting this joke get as far as this. They were just friends, for god's sake, and something like this was never meant to happen.
"I'm sorry," Naruto said but he didn't sound apologetic.
"You should be," Gaara heard himself say, but didn't stop there, "What got into you? And what would Kankuro say if he knew."
He knew he was acting unfair and the pained look on his friend's face confirmed it. A lopsided, hurt smile came to Naruto's lips before he replied.
"I know. I went way out of my line."
Strangely enough those words never eased the guilt rooting itself on Gaara's heart. He shivered and wished Naruto would comfort him, yet at the same time he knew he'd push him away. The tremble in his guts refused to subside, and he touched his lips just to forget that tainted memory of Naruto's mouth on his. Things like these were not supposed to happen. He didn't want this, or need this.
"Want to watch another movie?" Naruto asked in a calm way but there was something opposite in his eyes, veiled behind that sunny mask.
But Gaara didn't feel like finding out what it was. His chest hurt, for more reasons than one. Every scratchy noise of the air ventilation system sounded like the rasp of Kankuro's keys in the lock.
The movie played on the screen but it felt like neither of them could concentrate.
"We're still friends, are we?" Naruto asked.
Gaara pretended not to hear the desperation in his voice. Such thing only made him more uneasy than he already was.
"Of course," he replied eventually. Even though there was no way he'd ever let his friend know it but he could not let Naruto go.
"Good," the blond sighed, and his relief eased out the knot in Gaara's guts, too. "But… you know, if you don't feel like accommodating me at your place anymore after this, I understand. I could always ask if your brother let me stay here for the whole week."
"Don't bother," the redhead said.
The smile on Naruto's face was too faint to be considered happy, but it was still there.
The front door clicked and someone came in. By the time Kankuro walked into the living room, Naruto was sitting on the opposite end of the couch.
Gaara tried to pay as little attention to them as possible. Suddenly the movie was the most interesting thing ever, and he immersed himself in the poorly-written dialogue and the foreseeable plot-twists. In his peripheral vision, he saw Kankuro pull Naruto into a one-arm hug. Not that he was looking at them, but he happened to notice how his brother's thumb drew circles on Naruto's inner thigh, a thing that made the blond blush. It looked like Naruto was about to say something, but then Kankuro kissed him on the lips.
Gaara wanted to look away.
When Kankuro noticed him staring he wanted to disappear. Quickly, he glued his attention back to the television screen.
Later, Gaara was standing in the hallway, slowly buttoning up his woolen coat. Naruto looked pale like a ghost and for once, he was eerily quiet. Kankuro pulled Gaara into one last hug, wishing him happy birthday, and Gaara froze, afraid that his brother would recognize the traitorous scent soaked in his skin, in his hair.
"Gaara… I'm sorry I have been so distant over the past years. I never meant to, it just happened. I've missed you, and the times we had."
"You have?" Gaara asked, his voice quiet and tight.
"Yeah," Kankuro laughed but no one participated. "Do you still remember when you took part in all the rehearsals?"
Gaara nodded stiffly.
"And do you remember all those nights we spent in a tent, in the backyard, reading ghost stories with a flashlight on?" Kankuro went on, unaware of the knot that kept on squeezing his little brother's guts.
"You were so scared you crawled into my sleeping bag," Kankuro laughed and the redhead lowered his face in shame and annoyance. This was not something Gaara wanted Naruto to hear. And in a moment like this, the last thing he wanted was to be reminded of all the good moments his older brother had shared with him.
The last thing he saw was his brother's smiling face and the mute, pale blond standing in the shadows.
On his way home, his guts ached like someone was gripping them in a fist.
At the copy machine, Ino approached Gaara with her head held high. Hinata was trailing behind her in her usual shy manner.
"Good morning, Gaara," the blonde woman chirped a bit too slyly.
With a cold glare, Gaara only nodded at her, not wasting his energy for an actual greeting. And given what she had done to Naruto, that pitiful excuse of a human being didn't deserve his reply.
"Did you sleep well? You look more rested than usual," Ino chatted while taking her copies. Behind her back, Hinata twiddled her fingers nervously.
Again, Gaara ignored the both of them. It was nobody's business whether or not he had slept better recently.
"The rumor says Naruto's homeless," Ino said and when Gaara turned to glare at her, the smirk on her face only widened. "And they say he's living with you."
"That's none of your business," Gaara said chillingly.
Ino ignored the threat completely. "Who would've guessed that divorced Mr. Sabaku has switched teams, hmm?"
"I-I-Ino…" Hinata stuttered nervously, clearly attempting to calm down her nosy friend. "T-That's t-too much."
Before either of the women could say anything more, Gaara shot them both a death glare and walked briskly out of the copy room. They were not worth his time. None of these people were, in fact, except Naruto of course.
His anger refused to subside even when he was now sitting at his desk and staring at the document he was working on. Gossipers were the lowest cast at workplaces, and someone like Ino was certainly the uncrowned queen of all lowlifes.
Naruto was friendly and caring and a joy to this world and without him this lowly excuse of an office would be a much darker place. Unlike certain people, Naruto wanted to harm no one and only tried to survive each day his unfair life threw in front of him. It was a complete mystery how the blond could keep his positive attitude so bright even in the middle of hardships. Gaara for sure would have lost his optimism long time already if he were in Naruto's shoes.
Later in the afternoon he saw Naruto in passing. It was just a brief glimpse of his smile, which seemed to be directed only at him, that made him suddenly feel like he was walking in the air. It made him feel special in a way he hadn't felt in a long time.
Naruto was his dear friend and out of all the sociable people around this place, had chosen him to spend his free time with.
The rest of the day he spent drifting in and out of thoughts of Naruto. His smile was so honest and warm, pure luxury compared to the sour faces of every other people in this grey city. His earlier anger had subsided somewhere in the background as images of Naruto grinning with his thumb up filled up his head.
Around Naruto, he felt special and appreciated.
And he wanted him to feel the same. He would protect him from the scumbags that called themselves employees of this place, and from the other kind of lowlifes that would try to take advantage of his homelessness.
He was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn't notice the person standing right next to his cubicle.
"Umm… Gaara?" the person asked again.
Slowly, Gaara turned his head their way.
Azure. Pure, untainted azure. Golden locks spiky and wild like meadows of wheat. Tanned skin smooth and soft-looking, reminding him of bronze statues ancient cultures eternalized their gods into. And that hideous, glaring orange that suited him so well that he had no choice but to love it, too.
W-What?
Quickly Gaara turned his head away before the hotness on his face could be seen by anyone.
"What is it, Naruto?" he asked extremely calmly while pretending to read the papers that were scattered all over his desk.
"Here's your charger back. Thanks for lending it," Naruto said with his brow raised skeptically. With that said, he started slowly making his way back to his desk. Gaara was sure that one last glance from him lasted longer than usually. Annoyed, he rubbed his cheeks in hopes of cooling them down.
This is stupid. What the hell is wrong with me?
After work, Gaara made his way through the parking lot. A friendly 'hey' from the other end made him stop. Naruto was waving at him in the distance. He was standing in the corner of the building, almost hidden from the general view of traffic and passersby.
"Are you heading to the train station?" Gaara asked, hopeful.
"Not today. Kankuro is picking me up. We're going to look for a new carpet," the blond told, going through his phone before pocketing it.
Gaara lowered his gaze in defeat, "Are you really interested in something like that?"
"Heh, no I'm not, to be honest. And I'm sure we'll have to go through quite a selection before he finds the right shade of beige."
"I didn't know there was more than one," Gaara snorted.
"Me neither," the blond smiled disarmingly. "Hey, would you like to come along?"
"Not today," the redhead told and turned slightly away from the blond, his attention on the emotionless cars, that stood parked all around them, rather than on the pure azure that was constantly staring at him.
"Please, Gaara. Save me from the boredom," Naruto pleaded. He had stepped closer once again.
But Gaara kept his emotional distance and refused to budge. "Have you told Kankuro?"
"I won't."
"Why?" Gaara asked.
Naruto's happiness lost its luminosity and it dulled into private pain. "Because what happened was a mistake, right? Wasn't that what you meant back then?"
The redhead neither confirmed nor denied it. He glanced around the parking lot but no one was there—no black Mercedes to abruptly end their little conversation.
"Do you want me to tell him?" Naruto asked almost defensively.
"No, for god's sake," Gaara said and once again it felt like a fist was gripping his guts.
"Do you really think it was a mistake?" Naruto confronted him again.
"Yes," Gaara retorted, his tone cool and void of any warm shades. His guts ached when he saw the hurt blossoming in those cerulean depths. Naruto looked like someone had just slapped him in the face.
"I don't know," Gaara corrected, not sure anymore how he was supposed to feel. But just then Kankuro's shiny car floated to their vision like a graceful ship. Gaara felt seasick already. And a glance at Naruto told him his friend wasn't feeling any better, either.
"Please," the blond whispered, keeping his eyes on the black vehicle that was about to be parked right in front of them.
"Alright," Gaara gave in, and together, they got on the back seat.
To Gaara's surprise, Kankuro seemed to be oddly relieved that he was accompanying them. When they arrived at the first store, which was located in some kind of a shopping center, Gaara noticed how Naruto kept on walking a few steps behind Kankuro, head hung and his hands deep in his pockets. It was obvious the blond soon lost his interest among the selection of carpets. Naruto suppressed a yawn and his blue eyes began to wander, searching for something he could occupy himself with—until his gaze landed on Gaara.
When Kankuro eventually noticed the two of them loitering around in a bored fashion, snickering at something only they knew of, he abandoned his quest for a while and made his way towards them. Instantly Gaara tensed and leaned away from his friend.
"Hey Gaara," the brunet began and the redhead held his breath, "There's a café nearby. If you don't mind, you could take Naruto there." And then Kankuro's dark gaze quickly went over the slack blond who was sitting on a pile of carpets, gazing up at the ceiling.
Silently the friends made their way to the café. Naruto's hands were even deeper in his pockets and he seemed to be fuming.
"What's wrong?" Gaara asked.
It looked like Naruto was about to say something, but decided in the last moment to shut up. Instead of speaking out his mind, he settled for, "Nothing's wrong. I'm just a little tired, that's all."
But that was hardly the case.
"If it's about Kankuro, you're free to criticize him," Gaara told.
Naruto stopped. "I'm hardly the one who can criticize others. And your brother's kind enough to offer me accommodation for free."
"To me it sounded like he wanted me to babysit you," Gaara said flatly and the way Naruto's eye twitched told him he had hit a nerve.
"He just didn't want me to get bored, okay? And it was nice of him to let us go, since we were no help anyway."
"Why do you keep defending him?" the redhead asked.
Blue eyes darkened. "I am not defending him. I'm just explaining how things are."
"You're lying."
Hurt flashed across Naruto's face but it was gone as soon as it had appeared. Now he looked angry with a fluctuating amount of panic in him.
"Yeah, I am lying to him. And it makes me sick. Not only because I betrayed his trust, but because he's your brother, and now you know exactly what kind of a rotten person I am."
"You're not rotten," Gaara cut in, and looked compassionately at his friend. The blond's anger seemed to soften, too, and his shoulders relaxed.
"I can't lose that place," Naruto said quietly like he was ashamed, "No matter what, I can't be homeless again."
Gaara wanted to point out that he was still partially homeless, given how he couldn't stay there every day, and how all his mail was still sent to a postal box somewhere else. But instead of depressing his friend with these facts, he said something else.
"You could always move to my place, if you want."
He expected Naruto to smile warmly, to pull him into a tight embrace that left him breathless, before accepting the offer with overflowing thankfulness.
Instead, Naruto looked pained and sad. There was a smile, yes, but it was more bittersweet than anything.
"I can't move in with you."
"And why not?" Gaara asked, a little upset.
Naruto just shook his head like it was clear. Gaara frowned, not understanding at all.
"Our friendship is a thing I value most in this world. I'd hate to jeopardize it. And if I move in with you, it'll happen," the blond explained calmly, but there was evident melancholy in his tone of voice.
"What do you mean?" Gaara asked, leaning closer as if he could intimidate the truth out of him.
Carefree cerulean darkened into vivid cobalt, and something dangerous swam in those blue depths. The look on Naruto's face was impassioned, until pain dimmed it down to bittersweet amusement. He leaned closer to Gaara, and suddenly their closeness felt dangerous.
"Gaara," Naruto whispered in his ear and the redhead shivered. Without intention, Gaara leaned closer to his friend, allured by their risky proximity. Naruto took his hand and squeezed it, his breath ghosting in his ear, reminding Gaara all too well of what had happened on his birthday… He was just about to lean his weight against Naruto's steady chest, when the blond spoke again.
"You're asking me to put up with your morning grumpiness, and your noontime grouchiness, not to mention the sourness you seem to radiate throughout all evening. Added to that, you snore. Loudly."
"You're the one who snores loudly," Gaara snapped and distanced himself at once from the annoying blond. Naruto only chuckled at his reaction. It made Gaara fume. Once again, that… that bully had managed to awaken these sensations in him, only to drop him to the ground in the next second. And the vilest thing was that he did it on purpose.
Naruto laughed out loud at the pouting redhead who was gritting his teeth in visible annoyance.
"Maybe I wouldn't be so grumpy if you weren't so annoying all the time," Gaara retorted sourly.
But it was a mistake.
With a luminous smile, Naruto came closer to him again and his voice in his ear was like honey, "I agree. And if I recall right, on your birthday neither of us was grumpy nor annoying."
"Stop bringing it up," Gaara barked and pushed him away. Heat burned on his cheeks and he wasn't sure which thing made him more frustrated: that Naruto managed to coax these reactions out of him, or that his friend had once again turned down his suggestion of shared accommodation.
At the café, they enjoyed their coffee in silence. It was only when Kankuro joined them that Naruto suddenly excused himself and headed for the restroom.
Kankuro sat down at the table with his coffee, lazily glancing at the redhead.
"Did you find the right one yet?" Gaara asked, referring to the carpet.
"Nah. Still looking," Kankuro admitted and sipped his drink, his gaze roaming over the occupied tables.
The redhead glanced at the direction of the restroom, but no mop of blond hair was coming their way yet.
"Why won't you let Naruto stay at your place for the whole week?" he asked, sounding a bit tighter than he intended.
Kankuro's dark gaze was on him quickly, clearly not pleased by the topic. "You know how people are, how keen they are on gossiping."
"I know," for Gaara really did know all too well, "But I thought you two were supposed to be living together."
"Are you upset I asked you to accommodate him?" his brother asked rather pointedly.
"No. To me it just looks like you're ashamed of him," the redhead said with a voice notch lower than normally.
"Come on, you make me sound like a bad guy," Kankuro whined and glanced around. When no blond man was coming their way, he whispered, "Naruto's a guy. I can't be associated with someone like him. Not yet."
Gaara gripped his mug tighter, even though his reaction was most likely a secret only he knew of.
"When will you be ready to come out as a couple?" he asked as hotness from the mug seeped into his skin.
"Look, maybe the time will come, I don't know. To me it looks like things are open at the moment and no one knows what will happen," Kankuro pondered and his indecisiveness was greatly annoying to a certain redhead.
"It'll be four or five months until our divorce is final. After that I'm a free man."
"Naruto told me you were planning to go undercover for a year," Gaara pointed out.
"Yeah, maybe we have discussed something like that," Kankuro told and avoided any exactness, "I think you get it why I have to be careful, don't you?"
"Once Mrs. Haruno is off your back, I don't see any reason for not living your life as you please," Gaara only replied.
"Wrong. Ever since I got this new job at the conglomerate owned by Kiba Inuzuka's family, I have a certain reputation to keep. Being openly gay is not a part of it," Kankuro explained.
"And didn't you tell me you weren't gay in the first place," the redhead reminded wryly.
"That's right. And now you should understand why the arrangement between me and Naruto has to be as delicate as it is."
"Is he okay with that?" Gaara continued his questioning.
"Well yeah, he is," Kankuro sounded annoyed and before the redhead could launch another question, he stood up and started making his way out. Gaara wanted to follow him, but decided to stay and wait for his friend instead.
At home, Gaara was too restless to read a book. No matter how fascinating that one prize-winning novel was, it just couldn't hold his interest at the moment.
And no matter how much he told himself to stop, images of Naruto kept on popping up in his head. He stared at the page as if willing his mind to go blank, but instead he saw Naruto's smiling eyes in the 'nn' that was woven into the word 'annoyance'. He slammed the book shut and closed his eyes.
But Naruto appeared in front of him again, this time in a shape of memory. Defeated blue eyes were looking past him, at something Gaara couldn't see. The smell of carpets wafted into Gaara's nose like he was still in that shop. The moment Naruto's gaze met his, he seemed to forget his sorrow, or whatever it was behind his anxiety back then, and his irises turned into the friendliest, liveliest shade of blue Gaara had ever seen.
That stare could enliven even the dead.
An elixir of revival was coursing in Gaara's veins the longer he stayed in that image. But then Naruto's lips were on his again, and Gaara blinked his eyes open wide, escaping.
Accusingly he stared at the abandoned book like this was all its fault. And maybe it was. He liked to think so, rather than to ponder about other options. Just to be sure, he pushed the book further away with his foot and placed his laptop on his legs. In his almost sound-proof closet, hidden from the glare of the world, he soon found himself following a little rotating symbol that told him a video was uploading.
Gaara turned the volume down in advance before cautiously playing the video. He was only curious, there was nothing else to it. Was it really so wrong to broaden his view of the world? Tch. Hardly.
Two very naked men were getting it on in a locker room, on his computer screen.
He felt nothing. He was not aroused the least bit, and he certainly was not affected by the heavy gasps that sounded unnaturally timed given the context. But he soon got over that little flaw, furiously wanting to prove to himself that things like these didn't turn him on at all. He was certainly not drawn into this, and the fact that one actor was a blond was purely a coincidence.
Naruto was blond too, and it was just another coincidence the world was full of. And the little husky breaths that had left Naruto when Gaara had squirmed on top of him were a strange thing to remember right now. Naruto had sounded nothing like these guys doing it, his voice had been a mixture of genuine surprise and unraveling want, when it had walked along his skin and ended up in his ear, only to be infuriatingly trapped into his memories.
And how could it be that even in this tightly locked closet, it felt like Naruto was here with him, his ghost of a breath tickling his neck and his invisible hands traveling down his arms, turning his skin to goose bumps. Maybe it was just his own breath on his own lips, but eerily it felt like that soft, skillful mouth of Naruto's was already on his, until the blond's lips would find his throat, his collarbone, and―
"For god's sake!" Gaara growled and closed his browser. When the lack of sound and picture didn't satisfy his racing heart enough, he slammed his laptop shut and pushed it away. Naruto was all over him, in his head, on his skin like a ghost, tormenting him in a way only he could.
He was not proud of himself, and he would rather die than to ever confess his upcoming plans to another living soul. Ache was painfully evident in his pants and when he finally gave in and touched himself, the memory of Naruto's heavy hand on his chest made him hiss in anticipation.
It was ridiculous how much he missed his dildo, but he sure as hell wouldn't go and get it, or wait for any more minutes to prepare himself for it. No, this time his hand would have to do, and the luxury of being filled would be left for another day, or for another one-night stand if he was lucky enough.
As long as he got what he wanted out of it, he didn't care what else was done to him. A little ashamedly he remembered his latest sexual encounter, which had not happened in Naruto's presence. It had been that forty-something he had met online, the one who had left him in a depressed state which Naruto had later on fixed in a way only he could.
Thankfully, there weren't many memories of that tryst in the first place, for the pill he had taken without further questions made the images of that night vague like a distant dream. She had taken the lead right away, a thing he had wished for and also something they had previously agreed upon. If his memory served him right, he had spent the better part of the night with his hands tied to the headboard of the bed. With a butt plug inside of him, he had tried to make himself as comfortable as possible.
Even though many parts of that embarrassing encounter were now permanently veiled in oblivion, there were some elements he recalled with startling accuracy. When he had moved his hips, the butt plug had caused some pleasurable sensations. Maybe it was the feeling of being filled, he didn't really know, but it got him hard either way. And she used it to her advantage in a way Gaara was happy to have mostly forgotten.
There had been something extremely satisfying when the butt plug was replaced with a slick dildo that kept on hitting against his prostate. It was just the right angle, one he had difficulties achieving alone because he had to bend his back into awkward position and his hands just couldn't reach the dildo the way he wanted to.
But when the angle was right… it just felt really, really good.
It was the best thing ever.
And he wondered if the two guys visiting his screen had ever felt like that.
Did Naruto ever feel like that?
No! Quickly, Gaara evicted his inappropriate thoughts and went back to reminiscing about that questionable encounter. She had let him enjoy the dildo, clearly a little surprised how hard it got him, but by that point Gaara had been too far gone to feel ashamed. He knew he'd be sore in the morning, but whatever drug she had offered him, blurred his worries into an undefined heap he couldn't get a grip of.
Still tied on the headboard, he had let it all happen until it became too much and he had no choice but to come.
'You're a good boy,' she had whispered and pulled the toy out of him, before placing a kiss on his forehead. 'You remind me of my son.'
And in that moment, a nauseating feeling had overcome him and Gaara had wanted to sink to the bottom of the deepest sea.
But now, in the heat of his closet, sea blue eyes of imaginary Naruto were evaluating him, undressing him in a way that made Gaara blush. He felt like an idiot, yet this notion changed nothing.
Gaara touched his chest, only to drive away the memory of Naruto's hand of course, and in his mind the generic moans of professional actors morphed slowly into those genuine ones of his friend. Blush was painted on Naruto's cheeks, he was shirtless and on top of Gaara, pinning down his wrists, and the azure crystal was hanging around his neck and jumping recklessly along with his heated thrusts.
It didn't need more than that for Gaara to come with a long hiss.
His whole body was shaking, he was soaking in sweat and his frenetic heartbeat was borderline unhealthy.
The evidence of his eruption was there, yet in the back of his mind dissatisfaction lingered. This was not enough, yet in a way this was way too much. Before shame and anger could root themselves into his heart again, he let a brief image of Naruto visit his thoughts.
Naruto's hands would be all over him, pulling him close and his soft lips would be whispering sweet little words in his ear. His cobalt gaze would be weakened by satisfaction, and his sleepy sigh would hold a fraction of unrestrained passion.
Who's the fool now?
But Gaara felt too mellow to scold himself for this momentary weakness.
All day Kankuro had been drowning himself in paperwork. Changing his name was a surprisingly complicated process―not that it was really a shock to him, given how he had survived it already once before.
But starting from today, he was officially Kankuro Sabaku again.
Currently he was screwing Naruto in their spacious bathroom. The blond was leaning stomach first against the trendy tiles, eyes wide shut.
"Ah… yes, Mr. Sabaku," Naruto moaned, sounding aroused.
That seductive voice made his heart skip a beat. Never before had this guy called him that, and it had been a long while since he had heard such passion leak into his voice. It was arousing as hell. On Naruto's cheeks there was a definite blush and his eyes were closed like he was ashamed. Kankuro had no choice but to give in to the unexpected excitement that coursed in his veins.
"Mr. Sabaku… please," the blond gasped and Kankuro squeezed his hips tighter.
There was no chance in hell he would last much longer if the blond kept on talking to him like that.
As if sharing his mood, Naruto's moans soon melted into incoherent mess, his words broken and fleeting, "Oh G-Ga-God."
It was way too stimulative to hear him like that. Kankuro couldn't stop repeating his sultry voice in his mind all over again. It was too much. He lost himself in it and came in record time.
"Shit… the condom broke," Kankuro muttered when he pulled out.
Naruto turned around and faced him with a seductive look, "Oops. But I'm sure you'll be a great dad."
That combination of humor and seductiveness was absolutely arousing. The way Naruto looked up at him with his sultry yet innocent face got a long-lost emotion blossom in his heart again. For the most of the time Naruto was quite clueless but on some occasions, he really knew which strings to pull.
"I can finish you with my hand," Kankuro suggested, looking down at the blond's erection.
But Naruto only shook his head, an unreadable smile on his lips, and turned on the shower.
Now they were lying in the bathtub like in good old times, Naruto on top of him and adoring him with his insatiable puppy eyes. It had been a while since he had received such attention.
"Call me by that name again," Kankuro murmured softly.
A look not so innocent crossed Naruto's face, "Only if you let me do it to you. From behind, just the way you like it."
That adoring look was too irresistible to say no to, "Fine. Just give me half an hour and then we can go again."
Naruto's request to turn off the lights had been a little uncommon but Kankuro had happily complied, for it felt like what they were about to do was better off kept in the dark anyway.
It had surprised him how gentle and caring Naruto had been when he had prepped him for this. When the blond pushed into him, calling him by that new and exciting name as promised, a chill of pleasure ran down his spine. For someone so clueless and innocent, Naruto certainly knew where to aim to get those few extra moans out of him.
"Mr. Sabaku…" the blond whispered sultrily and his warm hands caressed his hips tenderly.
To have him do this to him while calling him by his surname was a strange combination of respect and domination. Of course, he was instantly turned on by it.
Naruto seemed to be reaching his climax surprisingly fast. His moans grew uncontrolled and airy and the gentle squeeze on his hips had turned into a demanding grip. It was like all the passion Naruto had preserved was about to erupt.
"Mr. Sabaku, I l-love you―!"
In the middle of the cacophony that was their heated moans, Naruto reached his climax while repeating his new name over and over again. To hear such passion in his voice after so long was like having rain on the desert.
Once dulled feelings began to blossom in Kankuro's chest. Naruto was such an angel. Such a clueless, foolish angel and he could never grow tired of seeing that unadulterated passion that had been in the air tonight.
Naruto looked ashamed yet innocent, like a blushing virgin or someone shy and submissive. Currently he was nothing like the goof that left his dirty socks scattered all over the place but an elegant seducer he had met in the beginning.
Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to let him stay here for a few more days a week.
"Naruto, for the millionth time, wake up!"
The blond in question blinked his eyes open only to meet an angry glare directed at his way.
"It's already fifteen past seven. Get up!" Gaara ordered and stomped around the room in search of his watch.
Naruto rubbed his eyes and yawned, but when the vicious glare stopped on him again, he quickly abandoned his laziness and hopped out of the bed.
When Gaara noticed he was about to undress his T-shirt, he barked annoyedly, "You don't have time to shower, Naruto, or have any breakfast. Now hop into your clothes. We're out of the door in five."
Not daring to disobey, the blond fought his way into his orange chinos and then went over the heap of clothes he had left on top of the coffee table last night. His button-up shirt was a little wrinkled but would have to do. The hasty jingle of keys told him Gaara was already at the door and he had run out of time.
With a slice of bread in his mouth, Naruto ran after Gaara on the street. During the past two weeks the redhead had been on an exceptionally grumpy mood in the morning. No more than a wrong-timed joke or a friendly pat on the shoulder was needed to make him erupt, and from experience Naruto knew to stay out of his way if―or when—that happened.
"Hey Gaara," Naruto sang happily, hopeful that in the midst of masses, his grouchy friend would not shoot him down, "Do you think it would be always like this if we lived together?"
But Gaara didn't reply to his question. "The next time I won't wait for you. I have an important meeting at nine and if I'm late, you won't get out of it without consequences."
"Aww, that sounds like a threat to me," Naruto cooed and the sharp glare he received made him smile. "Are you going to put laxative on my coffee, too?"
There was no mistaking the faint twitch of a smile on Gaara's lips. But the look he gave him was downright dangerous. "Don't tempt me."
The train was so crowded they had to stand. When the vehicle twitched into motion, Gaara swayed but Naruto was quick to catch him. While tightly holding on to a pole, Naruto secured the fuming redhead with his arm around his waist. Even though he knew he might end up with a surprise in his coffee, he didn't let go of his best friend.
A/N: Pheww… I was having so much trouble with all the emotions on this chapter! :O I hope I got everything alright. It was getting a bit heavy at some point so I added some humor/lightness, I hope it fit there instead of coming out as awkward… And I hope Gaara wasn't too much of a jerk. But gosh he's stupid! D: