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"What's her house like?"
"Are her parents just as weird?"
"Did she speak to you?"
"Does she have any siblings?"
It's barely 8.30 am and the girls began bombarding me with questions the second I entered the school building. I don't feel very comfortable telling them about Cosima's private life, but I'm also feeling kind of powerful and popular right now.
"It was okay. Her parents are very nice people," I said, remembering yesterday afternoon. Cosima and I built our ant farm together and studied it in her parents' lab… well… Cosima studied the ants and I took notes. We were so caught up in our little science project that we completely forgot about the time, so Sally ordered us pizza and I left the house around 9 pm.
"She lives in a small apartment right? I don't know why, but I have this feeling that she's from a poor family," Lizzie snorted, taking a sip of coffee.
"Ehm," I started, feeling conflicted again. "She lives in a mansion actually. With a swimming pool and a private lab in the basement."
"Really? So that's why she doesn't speak to us? She's too arrogant? She thinks she's better than us?" Ruth huffed, her eyes wide.
"No that freak is a mute, okay? It has nothing to do with money or status," Kate stated, looking me straight in the eye.
I felt anger bubble up inside me and opened my mouth to tell them the truth about Cosima, but I quickly pursed my lips together. "You had no right…" I know Cosima would never forgive me if I tell them.
"What do you think Delphine? Did she speak to you while you were at her house?"
"I ehm…" I stuttered as my cheeks turned a light shade of pink. "She… she's not…"
"Oh my God, shhh," Ruth shushed me. "There she is."
Cosima walked into the cafeteria, dressed in denim dungarees and a white t-shirt underneath. Her dreads are pulled up into a big messy bun and her leather backpack slung over one shoulder. She looks like she hasn't slept at all last night and somehow… that worries me.
"Well, she certainly doesn't dress like a millionaire," Kate laughed as Cosima came closer.
"Shut up you idiot," Lizzie hissed, clenching her fists as she gritted her teeth. "She might hear you."
A loud snort erupted from my throat and I quickly focused my eyes on the table when the girls shot me a confused look.
"What the…" Ruth whispered. I shot my head up and noticed that Cosima was walking into our direction. "She can't be serious right? I guess she thinks that you're her new bestie now Delphine."
Cosima reached our table, her eyes boring into mine as she gave me a weak smile. It was silent for five agonizing seconds, until Lizzie opened her mouth to speak.
"Are you gonna say something or are you just gonna stand there?"
Cosima didn't look at the brunette and kept staring at me, a pleading look in her eyes. I know she wasn't ignoring Lizzie on purpose, she just couldn't hear her.
"What the fuck is wrong with her guys? Seriously," Lizzie laughed as I smiled back at the dreadlocked girl, ignoring Lizzie on purpose.
"Do you want to talk to me?" I asked, reminding myself to speak a little slower than usual so Cosima could read my lips. She gave me a small nod and turned around, shuffling towards the vending machine. I quickly followed her, my friends' laughter echoing through the cafeteria. It's making me so angry, and I want nothing more than punch them in the face, but I'm new and I don't want to create a bad reputation for myself in my second week.
"What is it? Are our ants still alive?"
"Yes," she whispered, facing the machine so no one could see or hear her speak. My heart clenched painfully inside my chest. I truly don't understand why she refuses to talk in front of the others, she speaks very well, especially for someone who can't hear. "Don't worry about them. I just wanted to let you know that I had fun last night."
"Oh," I sighed in relief. "Yes, me too."
"Okay."
"Yeah…"
"I ehm," she mumbled, blushing lightly.
"Maybe I can come over later?" I suggested, not wanting to make this situation even more awkward.
"Oh I'm sorry, but I've got other plans tonight… science club right after school and I promised Scott to grab a burger and fries afterwards."
"Scott?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "You've never mentioned a boyfriend."
"He isn't," she answered, blushing even harder. "I don't have a boyfriend."
"Okay, well… maybe I can stop by another time?"
"Yes of course," she said, giving me another smile. "I guess I'll see you around."
"Yeah, okay."
"Bye."
"Au revoir."
She walked away and I let my eyes follow her until she disappeared into a classroom.
The morning hasn't been very exciting so far, but I'm looking forward to Chemistry after our lunch break, because Cosima will be in that class as well. I entered the girls' bathroom and smiled at the two seniors who were talking to each other at the sink, gossiping about other girls… of course. I don't understand why girls always feel the need to criticize other girls. I mean… we're going through the same things at this age right? We should be a little more supportive of each other, but according to Jane, it's not very different when you're an adult. I don't want to be like them, so… that's why I decided to explore a potential friendship with Cosima instead of avoiding her just because everyone else does. I shuffled into a stall, pulled my panties down my legs and sat down on the toilet, while my eyes took in the written messages on the stall door. So, apparently, Michelle loves Raymond, Gina is a bitch, Vicki fucked John, and Cosima is a dyke.
I gasped in horror and my heart began to beat furiously. Cosima is a dyke. Non, c'est impossible. This is probably a stupid rumor and I shouldn't believe those ridiculous secret messages that are based on nothing but gossip and backstabbing, but somehow… it would make sense. Maybe that's why she felt the need to apologize when we fell asleep on her bed. I quickly finished peeing and ran out of the stall, washed my hands without drying them and left the bathroom, my heart pounding inside my chest.
"Jeez Delphine, what took you so long?"
"I..I… nothing."
"Okay…. are you okay? You look like you're gonna puke."
"I'm fine Lizzie," I snapped, walking as fast as I could, trying to lose the brunette along the way. I wasn't very successful, because Lizzie followed me into the classroom and sat down next to me.
I'm not sure for how long I've been staring at Cosima's back, but it must have been fifteen minutes at least, because I haven't written anything down during the teacher's instructions. We had to form duos again, but only for the remaining forty-five minutes… thank God.
"You're my partner," Lizzie decided, not asking for my opinion. I glanced at Cosima, who was doing this chemistry experiment on her own. She doesn't look bothered by it, in fact, she looks quite relieved, but it doesn't feel right to me.
"Yo, earth to Delphine," Lizzie chuckled, waving her hand in front of my face.
"Sorry," I whispered, focusing my eyes on my partner. "What were you saying?"
"What are you thinking about?"
I don't want to tell Lizzie, but I'm too curious and scooted closer to her.
"I went to the restroom at lunch…"
"Really?" she laughed, rolling her eyes sarcastically.
"Yes, and I read the written messages on the door."
"Oh Delphine, ninety percent of them is bullshit."
"I know, but there is one about Cosima too and I want…"
"Oh yeah, that one definitely belongs to the other ten percent."
"Seriously?" I gasped as my heart rate sped up once again.
"Of course! That's obvious isn't it? Cosima is super gay."
"How do you know? Did she come out?"
"She doesn't have to," Lizzie giggled, clearly enjoying this conversation. "She has feelings for Lucy."
"LUCY?" I practically shouted and saw a few heads turn in my direction.
"Shhh," she shushed. "Come on, don't tell me that this surprises you."
"Lucy from Biology? Mon Dieu."
"Yes, of course. I mean, Cosima is very in awe of her, since the very first day of high school to be precise. They always meet thirty minutes before class starts and I don't know why. They can't exactly have a conversation can they?"
"Are you saying that Cosima and Lucy are having an affair?" I gulped, trying to calm my racing heart. This sounds like a bad teen movie, the ones I usually really like.
"No, of course not. Lucy has a boyfriend and a baby. She's just being nice to Cosima, but Cosima is in love with her. Obviously."
I could only nod and tried to take notes as Lizzie completed the experiment, but I wasn't really paying much attention. My mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Cosima. Could she really be gay? And if so, does she have feelings for Lucy? It's not like I'm against homosexuality, but I don't want the entire school to think that Cosima and I are a couple if I'm going to spend more time with her. I don't want to read my name on a stall door. Merde.
I pushed my books into my backpack when class was over and was about to leave the classroom, when a soft hand touched my arm. I spun around and stared right into brown eyes, eyes that were sparkling with… happiness.
"Delphine," Cosima whispered, dragging me out of the room and into a corner in the hallway. "Scott just texted me, his cat died, which means I'm not gonna grab dinner with him."
"O…okay," I stammered, opening my water bottle in an attempt to moisten my dry mouth.
"Do you still wanna come over?"
"Of course," I nodded, giving her a sweet smile. This gives me the opportunity to ask her about Lucy. "I'll see you around seven."
"What?"
"Seven? Is that okay?"
"Yes, perfect."
"Oh hi Delphine," Sally exclaimed, touching my shoulder. "Come in darling, Cosima is upstairs."
The memory of Cosima clad in only a long skirt and a push up bra flooded my brain.
"I'll wait here. I don't want to invade her privacy," I said, blushing furiously.
"Don't be silly. You're not invading Cosima's privacy dear. She's just reading a book, nothing private," she chuckled, pushing me towards the stairs. "Third door on the left, but you already knew that."
I climbed the stairs and knocked on Cosima's door, rolling my eyes when I realized she couldn't hear me. I curled my fingers around the door handle, opening it slowly, and smiled to myself when I saw her lying on her bed with her nose stuffed in her favorite book.
"Delphine," she said happily, placing her book on the nightstand before she sat up. "I'm so sorry, I lost track of time."
"Don't worry, that's okay," I smiled, sitting next to her, my back resting against the headboard. "How was your science club?"
"It was fun," she shrugged. I turned my head to the side and that's when I noticed a faint streak of eyeliner on her cheek. Cosima locked her eyes on mine and offered me a weak smile. Her eyes are red and puffy.
"Have you been crying before I got here?"
"Yeah," she nodded, pushing her glasses on the top of her head. "I've had a fight with my parents."
"You wanna talk about it?" I asked, reaching out to rub her arm.
"I don't know Delphine. My parents are worrying about me going to college. Can you believe that? It will take at least another two years before I graduate."
"What do they worry about?"
"Me living on my own without the ability to hear and they're scared that I'm gonna lock myself inside when I'm all alone, which means that there's a high chance that I'll become socially isolated and lonely."
"Is it an irrational fear?"
"No," she whispered, averting her eyes from mine. "It's not."
"Cosima," I said, squeezing her hand to get her to focus on my lips again. "Do you know what might help you to prevent that from happening?"
"I hope Scott will come with me to Berkeley, but I'm afraid that he's gonna apply to Stanford."
I didn't really know what to say to that, so I kept my mouth shut and gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
"My parents want to get me a hearing dog," she suddenly said, gesturing gracefully.
"Oh," I breathed, blinking at her. "And I guess you're not happy about it?"
"Of course not! It will make me feel even more different and retarded."
"That's harsh Cosima."
"It's the truth," she laughed humorlessly. "It will only raise more questions."
"But it can be positive too right?"
"How?"
"Well… your fellow students at Berkeley are definitely gonna ask questions, so you'll never have to start a conversation yourself. You can just explain them that you're deaf and you don't have to be mysterious about it."
"I'm not sure if that's a good thing Delphine."
"Why not? I think it will be hard for you at first, but I also see a positive side. You'll have to go out more, you'll meet new people, and a dog can help you with practical things around the house or at school."
"Yeah, I don't know," she said flatly, clearly not wanting to discuss it further. "You wanna go out for ice cream or something?"
"Well…" I started, smiling at her. "Maybe we should stay here and talk a little more."
"About what?"
Okay, maybe I should have thought this all the way through… before I came here. I don't have an actual plan and I don't want to insult her. Shit…
"I… what do you think of our teachers?"
I seriously hope that question isn't too obvious.
"Our teachers?" she laughed, raising her eyebrows at me. "They are allright I guess, except for that old fossil who teaches History."
"Hmm," I hummed in agreement. "I think Mrs Sparks is very nice."
"Eva Sparks? Your Geography teacher? I've never really spoken to her, so I can't say."
"Do you have a fave?"
"I do. I really like Lucy."
I swallowed thickly and a knot started to form in the pit of my stomach while my hands grew sweaty. Maybe it's true… maybe Cosima is gay. I don't really care if she is, but I doubt that the school is as accepting as I am.
"You like Lucy?"
"Yeah," she smiled, a huge grin forming on her face as a bright twinkle appeared in her eyes. "I look up to her. I wanna be like her when I'm her age. My father knows her too, she was his favorite student."
"That's cool," I nodded, braiding my hair nonchalantly. "So, are there any cute boys in senior year? Or ones that I need to avoid?"
She let out a hard laugh and pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.
"I don't know to be honest, I don't pay them much attention, but I strongly advice you to ask Lizzie if you want to know. She fucked at least three of them."
Okay, right… gossiping about Lizzie and her random hookups is very tempting, but I'm here to get to know Cosima a bit better and I think I need to be more straightforward.
"How come you don't pay attention to boys? There are some pretty hot ones walking around right?"
"I don't know," she whispered, shrugging her shoulders. "I'm just not interested in them yet. I'm late with everything Delphine. I'm not like most girls."
Oh God… here we go…
"W… what do you mean?"
"Ehm, I don't know. I'm not sure what I can tell you okay? I'm not familiar with female friendships and I don't know what's appropriate to share."
"Do you tell Scott everything?" I asked, feeling comfortable enough to lie down on my side, my head resting on a pillow.
"No way," she blushed, mimicking my position. "We only talk about science, Runewars and school stuff."
"Okay, female friendships are totally different. We girls tell each other everything."
"Evertying?" she asked, eyes as big as saucers.
"Yes, unless you don't feel comfortable telling me."
"You do realize you just called yourself my friend right?"
"Yes," I giggled, slapping her arm in a friendly way. "I want to be your friend."
"Holy watershed, that's awesome. My mom will be so proud," she beamed, tears welling up in her eyes.
We stared at each other for a few seconds, not knowing how to continue this conversation, but Cosima was the first to speak again.
"You had a boyfriend in France right?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"Can I ask you an inappropriate question about that relationship now that I'm your friend?"
"Of course Cosima," I chuckled, brushing a dreadlock out of her face. "You can ask me anything."
"Did you and…"
"Nathan," I said in a thick French accent.
"Nathan…" she repeated and I inwardly cringed at how his name sounded in an American accent. "Like… were you guys intimate with each other?"
"Non," I shook my head, ignoring her awkwardness about the subject. I'm not sure why she's so awkward about it, but I guess it has something to do with her lack of friendships. It's pretty normal to me, I often talked about boys and sex with my friends back in France. "We did kiss and fondle a bit, but nothing more, because we weren't ready yet."
"Do you talk to your other friends about stuff like this?" she wondered, still blushing madly.
"Yes," I nodded. "That's a pretty normal thing to do Cosima."
"I occasionally talk about it with my mom, she's like my best friend and she's a psychologist specialized in sexology. She runs her own practice, so it isn't as weird as it might sound like," she giggled nervously. "But she's still my mom, so it can be awkward sometimes, especially when she talks about some of her clients during dinner or when she asks me embarrassing questions."
"I can imagine," I chuckled. "But it's a good thing that you feel comfortable talking about it… with your mom I mean," I said, pushing myself up on my elbow, missing my mom intensely. "But what about you Cosima? What's your experience so far?"
"Ehm none? I've never had a boyfriend, and like I said, I'm late with everything."
"Everything? Like… you also haven't kissed anyone yet?"
"No, is that abnormal?"
"Of course not," I smiled, stroking her wrist. "You shouldn't do things you're not ready for."
"Yeah, I agree. My mom made me promise to wait until I'm ready, to wait for a person who is special to me," she blushed, gesturing wildly.
"She's right. You don't wanna be like Lizzie."
She let out an adorable laugh and rolled herself onto her back, folding her hands behind her head before she gave me a charming smile.
"No, I definitely don't."
The silence that followed was slightly uncomfortable and I didn't have a clue how to approach this. How do I ask her about her sexuality without offending her? Maybe she isn't even gay, or not ready to come out yet. Mon Dieu… maybe I need to let it go.
"Delphine?"
"Yes?"
"Do you have a certain type that you're attracted to?"
"No not really, you?"
"Ehm…" she started, fumbling with the clip of her dungarees. "I've never been attracted to boys, so I don't know."
"Never?"
"No."
"Okay," I whispered, swallowing hard. This is your chance, come on Delphine. You'll never get a chance like that again. "Have you ever been attracted to girls?"
She tensed up beside me, all color draining from her face, before she bolted upright and crawled off the bed. Oh shit…
"Excuse me?" she huffed, her eyes almost popping out of her skull.
"I.. girls? Do you like girls Cosima?"
"NO! WHAT THE FUCK!" she suddenly screamed, clenching her fists in anger.
"Cosima, I'm sorry. I just thought that…"
"Delphine, I'm not gay okay? I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay," she kept repeating herself hysterically and it made me wonder who she was actually trying to convince.
"Why are you getting so defensive then?"
I pushed myself up into a sitting position, my eyes glued to her face. She's as white as a sheet and her bottom lip is trembling. I can tell she's going to cry.
"I'm not getting defensive! I just don't understand why you assume that I'm gay."
"I don't assume anything Cosima," I lied, sighing deeply. "I just asked you a question. There's nothing wrong with asking questions right? You asked me one about Nathan."
"That's different and so what if I am a lesbian Delphine? Are you going to end our friendship if I am? My God, this is the shortest friendship I've ever had. How humiliating."
"Of course not! I don't care if you're into girls. It wouldn't change a thing. I was just wondering."
She buried her face in her hands and a heartbreaking sob erupted from deep inside her chest, making me jump off the bed. I took her in my arms and let her cry for a few minutes, stroking her back without saying anything.
"Oh my God," she cried. "I'm so sorry, this is so embarrassing."
There was a knock on the door and Sally stepped inside, giving me a concerned look.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologized when she saw us standing there, me holding her daughter in a tight embrace. "Is everything okay Delphine?"
"Yeah," I nodded, smiling at her. Cosima turned her head and practically jumped to the other side of the room.
"Oh my God, mom!" she gasped, her hand clutching her chest. "Get out!"
Sally apologized again and closed the door as I sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Come here."
"I'm making a fool out of myself," she whispered, wiping the tears from her cheeks as she sat down next to me.
"You can tell me everything you know that right?" I offered. "You're still my friend."
"Delphine, I've never told anyone this, not even my mom or Lucy," she said, tears filling her eyes once again. I reached out to rub her back, offering her some comfort. "I've been attracted to a girl once. Carmen, from Spain. She was constantly on my mind and I even dreamed about her, but it was only once… I've never been attracted to another girl after that."
"You know," I said, smiling as Cosima focused her eyes on my lips. "Maybe that's because you haven't crossed paths with a girl like Carmen yet. You're seventeen Cosima, you're late with everything, you'll get the answers when you meet someone like her."
"Maybe you're right Delphine. I'm just so confused about my sexuality. I know I don't like boys and I have this feeling that I never will, but girls… I can't possibly say that I'm gay based on one stupid teenage crush that didn't last longer than a week."
"Maybe you should take your time to figure things out. Don't rush it."
"Thank you Delphine," she whispered, wrapping her arms around my neck before she pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. "I'm so glad that you wanna be my friend."
I could feel my face heat up and my right cheek began to tingle as I felt my stomach tighten. A disturbing image of Cosima kissing me on top of Nathan's bed invaded my brain. My heart fluttered and I closed my eyes as I instinctively turned my head to the side, ready to press my lips against hers. My eyes flew open and I pushed Cosima away before I could make the biggest mistake of my life. She opened her eyes as well, looking extremely confused. I don't think that she's aware of the fact that I almost kissed her.
"I… I ehm," I stuttered, jumping to my feet, a look of horror on my face. "I…"
"Oh God Delphine," Cosima gasped, eyes wide.
"Non." I shook my head, averting my eyes from her and grabbed my keys from Cosima's nightstand.
"Did I make a huge mistake?" Cosima laughed nervously, her eyes following me as I headed for the door.
"It's okay," I said sweetly, offering her one last smile before I turned around.
"Delphine… just.." I heard her say as I closed the door behind me, leaving the house in a hurry.