the universe was made the same way she breathes:
one big collision, and soon there's life
and you wish she'd see
she's as integral as the sun
or as the rocks that made the earth.
she's an ocean and you're willing to drown.

Neha Alexander (17)

District Two

four days ago

Neha had rooted for her boyfriend in everything since the moment they became friends. She watched match after match, spar after spar, and every time she was sitting on the sidelines, he had a fan at his side. But this time, with two wooden swords flying and the fate of the One Hundredth Hunger Games on the line, she hoped more than anything else that he slipped up. That the Stein guy won.

Lars hit the wooden sword out of Stein's hands and he was sent scrambling back with no time to pick it up. He was faster than Lars and got around his swings, although he let out a pained breath loud enough that Neha could hear it from where she was watching when Lars hit him on the side. She tilted her head to the side, knowing if he could just get slightly to the left of Lars, the side that he always left a little exposed, Stein could land a blow that would knock him down, or at least knock the sword out of his hands and put them on an even playing field.

She had asked Lars to turn the volunteer spot down. She didn't know if she would make it next year, with some of the girls who were turning seventeen and therefore made eligible to volunteer. So she felt a little selfish when it was Lars's last year, but she had already been picked. The trainers hadn't been certain if they should choose Lars or Stein. And he had said they could just decide to fuck off from the Careers or whoever their non-district partners were, if it came down to that. And they'd just win together.

But Neha couldn't take the risk. She was going to come back home to him this way. She didn't want to have to worry about bringing him home with her.

Finally Stein sidestepped out of Lars's range of attack, quickly moving around the sword's swing, and was given an opportunity to strike him. He landed a pretty good blow to his jaw, and Lars stumbled from the surprise, having not realized that Stein had gained an offensive position. He ended up dropping the sword as he ran into the ring's edge, and before he could grab it, Stein hit him again, pushing him away from it. He didn't risk leaning down and letting Lars take the offensive again, instead working to drive him back into a corner where he couldn't get away.

Her hands were clasped tightly, fingers squeezing against each other. Come on, Stein, she kept whispering to herself silently. Come on.

Lars wasn't giving up. If he didn't surrender, Stein would have to incapacitate him somehow in order to maintain his position. He was quick, but he wasn't overly strong. It would be difficult for him to land any meaningful blows without a real weapon. Lars was clunkier and didn't always land well, but the ones he did packed a punch.

"Oh, come on," Terra said as Stein hit Lars again. Neha glared over at her. Her twin knew well how little she wanted to see her boyfriend in the Games with her, especially these Games. "What? I know we're rooting for the other guy, but I can't in good conscience cheer for him hitting Lars in the face."

"Yeah," Neha mumbled, knowing that it was pretty shitty of her to hope that her boyfriend got a little beaten up, that he lost his chance at volunteering forever. But he could be a trainer if he wanted to be. He could still exercise his strengths as a Career, without ever going into the death match, especially with Neha.

Finally, Lars began to slow down even more, relenting, and Stein went to town. He took advantage of every slow step to the side, every falter in Lars, and soon her boyfriend was holding his hands up in defeat. Raising a metaphorical white flag. People with bigger egos might have really kept going until Stein managed to knock them down, but Lars knew when he'd been beat.

He came out of the ring with a busted lip, a bloody nose, and bruises all over. Balder Stein stepped out of the ring victorious, but he didn't look any better off than Lars did. Neither of them did any real damage to each other, though. It wasn't uncommon for people to get seriously hurt in challenges. Very rarely did someone get killed in a match, but it had happened before, and the killer wasn't punished for it. Just sent off to the Games.

Neha rushed to Lars's side when he was out of the ring, bringing over a towel for him to put under his nose. He winced as he did, glancing back at where trainers were praising Stein on his win. They would come over soon and tell Lars he had given it a good shot.

"You okay?" she asked. "Nothing hurt too bad?"

He shook his head, waving her off to go get cleaned up on his own. She knew he wouldn't be angry long, but he had no misconceptions about who Neha was rooting for in that fight. It had to hurt, even if he did understand her reasoning.

She sighed heavily and looked to Terra, who seemed very awkward in the moment. She gave her a little thumbs up. "He'll get over it. I think you're right, anyway."

"Thanks," she said as they walked out of the match room, her face blank. It was easier to put on a mask than to show her guilt.

District Two's Victors' Village had far more houses than it had families. After the Victor Purge, a new slate of victors had started, with all the villages going empty for years afterward. She had heard in history and from Judah that District Two's used to have more than just seven victors in it, but even with that number supposedly being low, it was the highest in Panem.

She walked through the gates into the little community where the sidewalks were bricked and looked old—not old in a worn down way, but old in an antique way. The houses were all ornate and beautiful, the best of the best in all of District Two. She loved coming here, and now that it was so close to her reaping, it felt like she was previewing a little bit of what her life would be in the future.

She knocked on Judah's door and the victor of the 87th Hunger Games opened it with a smile on his face the moment he saw who it was. "Neha," he said, stepping aside for her to come in. It was more common for them to go out to lunch after training, but she had been to his house before.

He had trained her since she was little, her parents looking for someone spectacular to bring their daughters into the life of a victor like he was, and he had been the only one to accept the offer. A lot of District Two victors were still involved in training, but not all of them were willing to personally help a family, especially not for nothing like Judah did.

The older she got, the more she thought Judah just wanted some friends. He was still close with his district partner, Parker Huang, who lived just next door to him. They had always seemed like a good, genuine person, but Neha had never spoken to them directly. Other than them, though, she didn't know anyone in the district he was close to. Maybe there was someone in his hometown, but he never visited. He was kind of an enigma Neha and Terra were always trying to unravel.

"What brings you here, my little Career?" he asked as she stepped inside and over to his kitchen. She pulled herself up onto the counter and swung her legs as she got his Capitol desserts out of the top cabinet. She had found out where they were hidden the second time she was ever there, and he had just never gotten around to changing the spot. He said he was mostly hiding them from Parker, who never bothered to order their own.

"You're ordering me a new box if you're going to eat the last of my cookies," he said, pointing at her.

She rolled her eyes. "I think you're good for it," she said.

"You're ignoring my question," Judah said, coming over and pulling himself up to sit on his own counter a few feet away from her.

She looked over at him for a moment. He could read her better than anybody, except maybe Terra. Even Valda didn't know how to tell how Neha was feeling as well as the victor did. The two of them just clicked. She felt like she knew him better than anyone in the world, too. She knew how he had nightmares all the time, how he considered her to be a little sister, how he worried that Parker felt more guilt for what they did than they ever let on and just immersed themself in District Two's life and culture to bury it all.

Neha had thought that that one was ridiculous. Parker couldn't be blamed for killing the tributes in the arena. It was part of the Games.

"You're upset, Neha, just tell me why," he insisted.

She let out a breath and looked down at her lap. "Lars is upset with me," she finally told him.

"And why is that?" Judah asked.

She shrugged. "He lost his fight with the volunteer. And he knows I wanted him to. I know he'll be over it soon."

"But you feel badly because this is his last year, and it wouldn't be yours," he added, filling in the rest of her thoughts without her having to explain. She nodded and ate the last of his cookies as she waited for him to give her some sort of advice.

He had already asked her to leave it behind as many times as she had asked Lars to give up the volunteering position. He worried about her ending up like Parker, she would guess. He always said he didn't want the Capitol to mistreat her, but she didn't even know what that meant.

"Neha, there's nothing you can do now," he said. He smiled at her. "You shouldn't feel this way. It's your spot, as much as I have my own reasons for wanting it otherwise. And he'll understand this, especially when he becomes a very rich victor's husband."

She smiled a little bit, feeling a little flutter in her stomach at the mention of marrying Lars.

"I think it's more than all that," he said. "I think you're just nervous. That's normal, Neha." She shrugged, unwilling to comment on something that deep under her skin, even with Judah. He was good at supplying the words she didn't want to say, anyway. "I trained you, and I won, didn't I?"

"I'm not worried," she said, but that was a huge fucking lie. She had no desire to die. But this was what she wanted, more than anything. If she won, Indira and Aden, her little siblings, would never have to. If she won, Terra wouldn't have to vie for the spot of volunteer next year, when they knew that she would never be skilled enough for it.

"Well, good," he said. "Worry gets in the way of your decisions. Whenever you're worried, think of how I've pushed you."

Judah had a habit of telling her to pick herself up whenever she started to quit on him. Ever since she was old enough to begin training and her parents had forced the twins into it, he had been pushing her to her limits. Every time her arms gave out in the middle of pushups, she was told to pick herself up and do five more. To focus on the next one, and only the next one, five more times. It would be nearly impossible for her to ignore the little voice in the back of her head telling her to pick herself up if she got down in the arena.

And that was what she needed to do now. She shouldn't be running away from Lars, not in the last four days she had in District Two.

"Thank you, Judah," she said, hopping down from the counter and heading toward the door quickly.

"When you win, I'm holding you to that last cookie, Neha!" he called after her, and she shook her head with a grin as she shut the door behind her.

When Lars opened his door to her, it looked like a hundred expressions crossed his face. The beginning half were all upset, before transitioning to something more similar to acceptance. He stepped aside so she could come into his apartment.

"I'm not angry," he told her as soon as she was inside. She looked at him, her brows knitted together in concern. He said that, but she wasn't sure he fully meant it. "Hey, I'm not." Lars stepped close to her and put his hands on her waist, looking down at her until she met his gaze like she knew he was waiting for. "I was a little frustrated after the challenge, but if it seemed like I was angry with you, that's on me."

She let out a breath. Even if part of him was upset, he would get over it. So the fact that he seemed to forgive her for wanting his dreams and all of his training to go to waste made her feel better. Lifted a weight off of her shoulders. She felt herself relax from the tension and reached up to put a hand on the side of his bruised face. She leaned up to bring a little kiss to his lips.

After that, he stepped back away from her and held his arms out, presenting her with the bedraggled, beaten-up aftermath of a challenge. "How do I look?" he asked with a smile on his face.

"Hey, at least Stein'll be sporting a black eye to the reaping."

Lars nodded. "You're right," he agreed. "You're very, very right."

Neha stepped further into the apartment, taking Lars's hand as she went past him to guide him over into the kitchen. For a moment it seemed like she was taking him into the living room, perhaps to the couch to watch whatever was on TV mindlessly and cuddle, so when they walked past it, he got a puzzled look on his face until he saw their actual destination.

"Oh, I see," he teased her. "You come over here to make sure I'm not upset so you can raid my cabinets."

"Well, I already raided Judah's today. It's someone else's turn," she said.

She went into the fridge and looked around for something she could have, but there was nothing made. Ever since Lars moved into his own apartment, it had become increasingly difficult to steal all of his food, because he never kept anything stocked and never had leftovers.

"Guess we'll just have to make something," he said, leaning around her. He pulled chicken out of the fridge and handed it over to her with a sheepish smile.

"You wanted to go to the Hunger Games, but you can't even cut your own chicken," she said jokingly, kissing his cheek as she took it from him and went over to the counters.

Lars's family had more money than the Alexanders by miles, although they were nowhere near successful. Just average in District Two, so Lars could afford things like nice food and his own apartment. He could afford to wait until he was eighteen to challenge for a spot to volunteer.

She started preparing the chicken while he got out some vegetables to cook. He was actually pretty good at cooking for how much it seemed like he wouldn't have time for it. He was always training like she was, and on top of that he was really good in school, too. Sometimes she saw Careers slipping behind at school because they cared more about training, but that was never the way it was for Lars. That was something that had always made her proud about him.

His kitchen wasn't that big, so they kept stepping over and glancing at each other's work, playfully bumping into each other, and at one point Lars started singing a song that was popular in the Capitol a few years ago, one that absolutely drove Neha nuts, but with him starting to belt it out as loud as he could, she couldn't help but laugh and sing along with him.

present day

Her parents, Aden, and Indira came in first. Indira hugged her as soon as she reached her, squeezing like she wasn't ever going to let go. Neha shut her eyes. She knew that Terra would watch out for her, but it was still hard to think that she wouldn't be there in her life for a while. Neha had always looked over her since she was maybe twelve and Indira was eight. That was when she first realized that she was more than a hyper ball of energy to keep an eye out for—she was also just this really awesome person, no matter how often Neha wondered if she would ever stop whining.

When they pulled away from the hug, Indira asked, "When you win, can I join the Academy?"

She had been begging Terra and Neha to let her for a couple years, and they always turned her down. The Academy just wasn't a place she needed to be. If she really wanted to train, it should be with Judah outside of the school, but they'd never let her volunteer anyway.

Aden, however, they couldn't stop. Her parents let the girls run loose, so long as at least one of them was on the track to success. But their only boy—he was the one they kept their eye on. He was the one they believed in.

"You won't need to when I win," she told her little sister, and her eyes went up to her parents. They'd love it if they could rise out of their status with one victor, but they'd love it even more if they could do it with two or three. As if luck would ever grace any family that well, even one made up of Careers.

"Neha!" Aden said, crashing into her when Indira stepped out of the way. She grinned down at him, her attention torn from their parents, who were saying something quietly to each other by the doorway.

"Hey, buddy," she said, patting the top of his head. She knelt down in front of him. He was starting to get a little too tall for that, and she could tell one day he'd be as tall as their dad. "Listen here. You be good for Mom and Dad, and always listen to Terra."

"You didn't tell that to Indira," he said, but she knew that he would take her word to heart.

"Well, Indira's out of control," she said teasingly, looking over at her little sister's mock-offended face. "You're a little more reasonable, aren't you, bud?"

He nodded with a proud grin on his face, and she tugged him into another hug. She knew they'd have to leave soon. There were more people she was going to say goodbye to, assuming they all showed up.

Neha stood up again and turned to her parents, wondering if they'd say anything at all before they left the room. She wondered if Indira had to beg them to come into the Justice Building. She wondered if they would care about anyone other than Aden when she came home. But she had learned a long time ago that wondering about her parents was just tiring, and the most she could be grateful for was the fact that they put food on the table.

"Neha," Val, her father, said. He motioned for her to come over, which gave her pause. The last time they had even given her a lecture was when she said she didn't want to train with Judah, years and years ago. She looked back at her siblings before approaching Val and Karima with her chin held high. She had volunteered today. She didn't have to hope she'd make them proud anymore.

"You'll come home," Karima said, perhaps one of the first full sentences she had said that didn't relate to watching her siblings or chores in months. "Terra isn't tribute material, and Indira didn't start training soon enough. So you'll come home."

"I'll come home," she said, and wished she could add, but not for you. Not for either of you. For Terra and Lars and Indira and Aden and Valda. For Judah. For the smell of the square as she walked to the Academy, when the bakery was open and it wafted around the street, doors always wide open to draw everyone in.

"I'd like you to leave now," Neha decided. She saw that Val was about to say more, give her instructions, tell her further what to do. But she just wanted to see the others before she left. She didn't need another moment taken up by them.

She went back to Indira and Aden and gave them both a big hug at the same time, drawing them into her arms and squeezing her eyes shut. Her heart was taken by an invisible fist and squeezed, already aching like they were out of the room. She hoped these Games would be quick.

She watched the four of them leave the room. Val had a hand on Aden's back as he guided him out, but Indira left behind them, looking back at Neha and waving before she was out the door.

Neha sat down on the couch and leaned her head back against the cushion. She kept reminding herself that Terra would be there for them, Terra would make sure that their parents didn't grind them down. It would only be a little while before she was back, anyway. But it hadn't taken long before the training and the apathy ground her into obedience at their ages.

Terra and Valda came in next, sitting down on either side of Neha. She opened her eyes when she felt the cushions sink down and two pairs of shoulders leaning against her on either side.

"How were they?" Terra asked. "I passed them outside. They didn't say anything."

They spoke even less to Terra than they did to Neha. She knew it tore at her. She had managed to hold up against the strain of the Academy, and all of the little ways Careers pushed down their anxieties and sadnesses were lost on her.

"They were okay," she told her. If they had more time, if Terra had the opportunity to dig at her, she could probably get how Neha was feeling out of her. She was the only person in the world she told everything to. Even Lars was left out of some things—namely just the fact that she liked to talk about the dorky quirks he had to Terra sometimes. Only the two of them knew about her crush on Hailee Watter before she dated Lars—not even Valda had ever heard that one.

"And how are you, girlie?" Valda asked, nudging her with a grin. She pulled her knees up onto the couch and faced her like they were at a sleepover. "You're gonna do great, Neha. You looked awesome up on the stage."

She shrugged a little bit, but it did make her feel good to know that she was doing well. Even if all she had done so far was walk up to a stage and tell the people her name. "I'm going to be fine," she said. "Just already missing Aden and Indira, I guess."

"They're gonna be great," Valda insisted. "I'll be their new Neha until you come back."

She couldn't tell them how good that made her feel. To know she'd still have two big sisters watching their back. Valda may as well have been their big sister already anyway.

The three of them talked about Games strategies, about how Balder looked up on the stage. He had seemed really upset, but Neha didn't blame him. She had heard the rumors beforehand that someone else was going to take his place, and for a moment had considered going up to that person and punching them in the face. She wouldn't know what to do with the anxiety beforehand if someone had made it sound like they were going to steal her spot. Unfortunately for him, the Capitol wouldn't know about that.

At the end, Neha received two big hugs, and for a horrifying moment it had seemed like Terra was going to cry. Neha wasn't good with crying.

Lars came next and she wondered if Judah would be coming. She would have thought that he would let Lars come last, but she didn't mind it. She had been looking forward to seeing Lars again before she went, although they had just talked to each other that morning.

The two of them spent the beginning wrapped in a hug, with the occasional kiss mixed with an "I'll miss you" before they even started to say anything of substance. Most of it was what she would expect: Be safe, listen to her mentor, think of him, he loved her, all that sappy shit that made her hate him with how much she loved him.

And then with only ten minutes left in her goodbyes time, he got up, pulling her up with him to give her one more kiss.

"Don't you forget about me when you're all rich and famous," he told her, but his voice was quiet with adoration, a little bit of worry, a hell of a lot of love.

"I won't," she promised him, and meant it more than anything she had ever said. "As long as you get me that fucking ring when I get back."

He grinned at her and did a pinky promise as he walked away, both of their arms all the way outstretched before they let their pinkies drop.

And then there was Judah.

He came in with a long face. He had looked disheveled onstage next to all the other victors, but that was because he never really cared to show off his victory. He had won his Games, had showed his honor on screen, and now he trained poor kids and brought them into his house to steal all his good cookies.

"Can't be here long," he told her, coming to sit down on the chair across from the couch. He leaned forward toward her. "Listen to me, Neha. You're good. You're really good. But I don't want you slipping up in there. I've got my eyes on you."

She nodded, a little smile slipping through. But a sad sort of smile, knowing he was going to sick to his stomach with worry every time she came on the TV. He was just like that. A worrier. Maybe that was why all of his instructions involved not worrying so much.

"And when you get down, you pick yourself up again."

She stood up and motioned for him to get up too. When he did, she threw her arms around him. She didn't really do hugging with people who weren't her family, Valda, or Lars. It was too touchy, too exposed. But if she didn't hug Judah before she went, she would be kicking herself all the way to the Capitol.

"You've got this, my little Career," he said, looking down at her when they stepped away. He started to head toward the door, and she knew it hadn't been ten minutes. But maybe the clock on the wall was a little fast.

"Judah," she said, and he turned back toward her. "Thank you."

He nodded and saluted to her with a silly smile on his face. "You've got this."

the poem this time isn't so much about neha as about lars & neha bc although they didn't get as much time as i wanted them to in order to fit in the other scenes here, i really liked their relationship so i felt like it was fitting to make it about them for this chapter. the poem's a little cheesy but who doesn't love a little cheesy love

neha is from recklessinparadise! i had so many ideas for scenes i didn't know how to fit all of them in so i hope i did her & her family & friends justice

this author's note is going to be. too long. but i have a dumb sense of humor so i'm putting the most entertaining of my doc manager & google docs titles on my profile as they happen bc they give me a giggle and i think y'all would enjoy my dumb brain

let me know if you enjoyed! also: i just want everybody to know when school starts up in mid-august i'm DEFINITELY not going to be posting once a day as i have been, more like once a week, but i just really wanna get through intros bc i'm dying to get a feel for all the tributes and also dying to get them to the capitol! but i wanna know y'all's opinions: would it be better if i slowed down and set a schedule for the intros? or should i continue just posting them as i get done? i don't mind either way bc i love validation and shit but if y'all would prefer it if i uh. calmed down a little bit and posted them slower i can do that!

another thing, i think i'm gonna set up chapter questions as part of sponsor system bc i've seen other stories doing that and i like that idea so here's the first chapter question: who was your favorite of the people in neha's life? like which relationship of hers was your favorite?

onto district 3!