I am not sure if this was such a good idea. I mean, of course I want to spend time with Delphine and I love to go to a party with her, but why did he have to come to? He's not unfriendly, but he doesn't talk to me and I don't know if that's because he doesn't like me or because I don't talk to him either. Delphine and I were still in the middle of getting dressed when he picked us up at her place. I don't think I've ever had so much fun in my life. Jane helped us getting our makeup done and Delphine looks absolutely stunning with smokey eyes and lipstick. Simon is one lucky dude for sure, but I still haven't figured out what she sees in him. He's nothing special, just another average dude.

I glanced at Delphine, she is sitting in front of me with her arm hanging out of the window. She's holding a cigarette between her fingers and occasionally brings it up to her lips to take a long drag. It's incredibly sexy and it's making me squirm uncomfortably in my seat. I don't have feelings for Delphine, not really… I think. She's a beautiful girl with a big heart, but she is not available and that makes it so much easier for me. I can't develop feelings for this gorgeous French girl. We're friends and nothing more and I'm fine with that.

Simon parked his car in front of a big house, not as huge as the one I live in, but still big. I unbuckled my seat belt and watched Delphine and Simon talk to each other. They're clearly not ready to leave the car yet. It's been this way the whole ride, them talking, laughing and smoking cigarettes, while I sat in the backseat, not being able to understand what they were laughing at or follow the conversations they were having. I know Delphine would never leave me out of a conversation on purpose, but it still kind of hurts.

I reached for the door handle to leave the car, but was stopped by Delphine who turned around in her seat and touched my knee, giving it a soft squeeze. I focused my eyes on her lips, but it was too dark inside the vehicle to make out their movements. Delphine immediately noticed my struggle and turned on the interior light. The action caused me to blush a little. We definitely have grown closer over the past few weeks and Delphine seems to understand me without needing words. I guess that's because she gets me, because we click on an emotional level.

"Cosima," she said with a gentle smile tugging at her lips.

I briefly locked my eyes on hers and glanced at her mouth again, encouraging her to keep talking. I don't want to speak while her boyfriend is listening too.

"I think we should tell Simon the reason why you refuse to speak. I already told him you're not mute or anything. I think it's time that we tell him."

My eyes grew wide and I could feel my heart racing inside my chest. She can't be serious right? He doesn't have to know why I don't talk. He's not my friend or my boyfriend. I'm not planning on spending time with Simon if it's not absolutely necessary.

"No," I whispered, boring my eyes into her hazel ones.

"Cosim…"

"No, Delphine, I said no."

Delphine studied my face for a moment and gave me an understanding nod when she realized I was serious.

"Okay, let's go."

We left the car and I obdiently followed the popular couple walking in front of me. I am by no means a violent person, but a wave of anger rushed through me when Simon draped his arm over Delphine's shoulder, showing her off as some kind of trophy. I want to punch him, push him away and tell him to back off. She's not his property! I can't believe Delphine is okay with this! I quickened my step and reached out to grab her hand, slipping my fingers through hers. She glanced over her shoulder and gave me a comforting smile, misinterpreting my possessive move for insecurity.

"You'll be fine."

It took a few seconds until someone opened the front door of the house. A short girl with blonde hair, green eyes and a lip piercing. She's smoking a cigarette and shot us a suspicious look.

"Names?" she asked and I could tell by the look on her face that she said it without any friendliness in her voice.

"I'm Simon and this is Delphine, my girlfriend," Simon pointed at my blonde friend. "And that is Cosima."

"Okay… let's see," she said, scanning the list of names she had pulled out of the back pocket of her ripped jeans. "Yeah ehm, there is no Cosima on the list. Sorry girl, I can't let you in."

"What! Why?" Delphine exclaimed, gripping my hand a little tighter.

"Because Liam made a guest list and she's not on it."

"What the…"

"Delphine," I whispered, squeezing her hand. "It's fine. I'll text my dad. He'll pick me up."

"NO! This is not fine Cosima," she shouted in anger. I know her anger isn't directed at me, but I quickly shut my mouth and nodded. "What's your name?"

"Cindy."

"Okay… Cindy, I think it's time that you get Liam now, before things will get a little out of hand over here."

The girl let out a hard laugh and rolled her eyes at Delphine, shaking her head in amusement, which only seemed to fuel Delphine's anger.

"Well aren't you protective?" she mocked, looking Delphine straight in the eye. "Is she your girlfriend or something?"

I snapped my head to the side to watch Delphine's reaction. A furious flush crept up her face and she opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again when she couldn't form words. The movements of her mouth remind me of a fish and I giggled at the comparison.

"N..no," she stuttered, her eyes as big as saucers.

"Whatever," Cindy shrugged, raising her eyebrows. "Look, I can let you and your boy in, but Dreadlocks isn't welcome."

Suddenly, a girl with blonde hair appeared from behind Cindy, wearing a floppy hat and a fur jacket. Oh my fucking God…

"Cosima?" she asked, smiling broadly. "What are you doing here?"

I could feel Delphine's eyes burning into my skin as I gave Shay a wide grin, pushing my tongue between my teeth.

"Hi."

"What's going on here Cindy?" she asked, curling her fingers around the girl's neck. "Trouble with the guests?"

"Yeah, the one with the dreadlocks isn't on the list and Blondie is her spokesperson or something."

"Her name is Cosima," Shay said flatly. "And I don't care about a list, she's welcome."

"But your brother told me to…"

"I don't care what my brother told you to do. Come in guys," Shay smiled, gently pushing Cindy aside. "Just throw your jackets on the pile over there, grab a drink and make yourself at home."

I don't know what's going to happen tonight, but no one can ruin this party anymore… not even Simon.

The room is packed with all different kinds of people, mostly basketball players and their girlfriends. It's weird that Delphine is now part of that group, and she seems to enjoy it. I know she will never admit it, but she wants to be popular, she wants to fit in. I'm not like that at all, I would like to have a few more friends, not only just Delphine, but being popular is not my goal. Delphine is doing her best to include me in the conversations they're having with Simon's other friends, but I don't feel comfortable enough to talk. I'm also super annoyed with Simon himself, he's constantly kissing Delphine and keeps introducing her as his girlfriend to anyone who seems the slightest bit interested. Gosh, it's so pathetic and sad that I can't bear to watch it any longer and I think I want to go home.

A soft hand touched my shoulder, ending my thoughts. I turned around and gave Shay a lopsided grin, taking the glass she offered me.

"I made this for you. Put liquorish root in it," she told me as I brought the straw up to my mouth. The orange liquid filled my mouth and I hummed at the delicious taste.

"It's good."

"Thanks," she grinned, taking a sip of her own drink. "Are you enjoying yourself so far?"

"Kinda," I lied.

"Liar."

"What! No… I just… I'm with my best friend and her boyfriend."

"Ah, so you're the third wheel?"

"Ehm," I whispered, blushing a bit. "If that's what you wanna call it."

"Your boyfriend couldn't make it tonight?"

I let out a hard laugh and took another sip as I shook my head.

"I dont have a boyfriend, Shay."

"You should go out with my brother Liam, he's a nice dude."

"No, no, no," I shook my head again, giggling awkwardly. "Thanks."

"You got a girlfriend then?"

I almost choked on my drink and began to cough when I managed to swallow a sip without drooling.

"No, no girlfriend either."

"Allright." Shay shrugged. "There is some really awesome music playing in the other living room. You wanna go there and dance a bit?"

"No, I'm fine. I don't dance."

"Liar."

"I just… I can't hear music Shay, which means that my dancing isn't in sync with the rhythm."

"So?"

She's clearly not getting it and I let out a deep sigh. It's frustrating that people don't understand what it's like to be deaf.

"I just wanna go home," I whispered as I finished my drink and put the empty glass onto the table. "I'll ask Simon and Delphine to drive me back."

"They're enjoying themselves Cosima," she said, pointing at them. They're sitting on a couch, kissing passionately. Simon's hands are tangled into Delphine's blonde curls and I wonder if she's going to stay over at his place tonight, but Shay stopped my thoughts right on time, touching my shoulder to make me turn around again.

"You sure you want to ask them? I can give you a ride in the Bug?"

"Really?"

"Yeah."

I like this idea. I would love to spend more time with Shay, she's such a great girl and I have this feeling that we could be friends…

Delphine didn't take it well when I told her Shay offered to bring me home. She insisted on doing it herself because that's what she had promised my mom apparently. She ordered Simon to get the car, but he refused and wanted to stay a little while longer, he even told Delphine he didn't care about me. Fuck him.

I can't take my eyes off the blonde girl sitting next to me, her elegant hands are resting on the steering wheel. I've seen all kinds of different shaped lips in my life, but I've never come across lips so sensual as Shay's. I could watch them move twenty-four seven, they're so attractive. Since when became mouths so appealing to me? Delphine has some nice shaped lips, but Shay's… that's a whole other level.

"Cosima?"

"Sorry," I chuckled awkwardly, pushing my glasses further up my nose. "What were you saying?"

"Hmm," she smiled, drumming her thumbs on the steering wheel. "You weren't born deaf, am I right?"

"That's correct."

"I once dated someone with a hearing impairment. Best time of my life," she laughed, shaking her head at the memories that were flooding her brain.

"Really?"

Wow. If a girl like Shay is open to the idea of dating someone who is deaf… then maybe, someone on this earth will accept my auditive disability too and will love me for who I am. Preferably, a girl like Shay… or Delphine.

"Yeah," she nodded. "It was just a summer fling. I was still living with my parents at the time. It wasn't that long ago actually. A year?"

"That's nice," I flashed her a toothy grin.

"Yeah, my parents didn't think so."

She let out another hard laugh, making me laugh too. She's so laid-back and it makes me feel comfortable, just like she did this afternoon at The Rabbit Hole. I don't know how, but I can be myself around her. It feels nice to spend time with Delphine, but Shay… we have something in common. I don't know what it is yet.

"Why didn't your parents like him?"

"Her," she corrected.

"Oh."

Oh my God… I… I…

"She was like really… loud, you know what I mean? Which is completely understandable, because I guess she couldn't hear herself during sex. It was super uncomfortable for my parents, but I loved it."

"Oh," I sighed, blushing furiously.

"Is everyone with a hearing impairment that loud Cosima?" she giggled, tilting her head to the side to lock her eyes briefly on mine, before she focused them back on the road. "I've been wondering that ever since I met her, but I never dared to ask, because I didn't want to her to become self-conscious in bed. And you're my friend now. I can ask you."

"S…sure," I stuttered. "I mean, we can't hear ourselves when we laugh or sing, so yeah… I guess we're also louder than the average lover during sex. I don't really know. I've no experience in that area yet."

Oh God, I hope I'm not like Shay's ex… I don't want to be loud. What would my parents think of me if they could hear me when I'm… oh my God, no, don't go there Cosima.

"You're a virgin?"

"Yeah, obvs."

"Oh I'm sorry. I don't know why I assumed you weren't. You're super attractive, funny and smart. I'll bet every guy in your class would want to date you or get in your pants at least."

"No," I laughed, shaking my head. "They bully me Shay, they don't wanna go on dates with me."

"They bully you?" she asked, furrowing her brows. "Why?"

"Because I'm a bookworm and I don't speak to anyone."

"That's not a reason to bully someone. Are there any cute boys in your class? One you would like to date?"

I let out another hard laugh and shook my head again. This girl is pretty straightforward and it makes me curious. There is a weird fluttering in my stomach… a feeling that reminds me of Carmen.

"No fucking way."

"Why not?"

"I don't know," I shrugged nonchalantly, but immediately regretted the lie when my stomach dropped and my heart clenched inside my chest. I hate lying to this girl, I hate lying in general.

"It's because you're into girls too aren't you?"

My body tensed up and my eyes grew wide as I shifted in my seat. Is it so obvious? Do I, like, reek of it, or something? We just met today… If she can read me so easily, who else can? Lucy and Delphine both suspected it and now Shay is bringing it up too.

"I knew it! Glad that my gaydar is still working."

"I'm not out yet Shay," I admitted quietly, staring at her.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm still getting used to the idea myself. I'm not ready to tell others."

"Gosh Cos, you need to loosen up a bit," she said, rolling her eyes at me. "Me and my LGBTQ friends always gather at my place every Friday night. Why don't you come too?"

"I…"

"You don't have to decide right now. Just think about it."

"Yeah," I nodded. I couldn't suppress the small smile tugging at my lips. "I'll let you know."

"Cindy is gonna freak out if she finds out that I invited you. She's super jealous."

"Jealous? Why?"

"Because she never appreciates it when I'm spending time with other girls."

"Oh…" was all I could say for a moment. "She's your girlfriend?"

"Yeah, kinda, but it's an on-and-off relationship. She's not the love of my life or anything, but we've fun and I really like her."

"That's nice," I said, putting on a fake smile.

Shit. Shay has a girlfriend and it makes me feel things. Things I can't put into words yet. I don't know why exactly, but tears are stinging behind my eyes. I'm not in love with Shay, but I can't deny that there wasn't a tiny sprinkle of hope fluttering in my heart when she told me she likes girls too. Gosh, why am I so upset about this? I just met her today. It's probably just hormones.

"Is this your house?" she asked, changing the topic.

"Yes."

"Holy shit."

I let out a giggle that probably sounded way too girly, but Shay gave me a smile nevertheless.

"Thanks for bringing me home Shay," I said, signing the words as well.

"No problem."

I reached for the door handle and was about to open the car door when Shay touched my shoulder, encouraging me to look at her again.

"You always leave without hugging your friends?"

"I ehm…"

"Come on," the blonde laughed, pulling me into a hug. My body tensed up for a second, before it completely melted into her embrace. I automatically buried my nose into her hair, inhaling the unique scent. I think she washes her hair with some expensive shampoo with seaweed. God, it smells absolutely amazing and a soft moan of appreciation escaped my mouth. I would have been embarrassed if I could hear it myself. My breath hitched in my throat when Shay pressed her lips against my left cheek and I felt a strange tightening in my lower abdomen, a wave of heat swirling through my belly. It's something I first felt when I saw Carmen at the swimming pool and I've been experiencing it a lot more lately, since I met Delphine to be honest. Of course I know what is happening with my body, but this is not a good time.

Her soft lips against my skin caused my primal brain to take over and I acted on my instinct before I could stop myself. I brushed my lips over Shay's cheek, until they found her soft mouth. I captured her lips with mine and inhaled deeply through my nose as I cupped her jaw with a trembling hand, adding more pressure into the kiss. It all feels new, but kissing seems to come naturally to me. It feels right, this is perfect… this kiss gives me all the answers I was looking for. I slowly parted my lips and secretly hoped Shay would take the lead from here. She's more experienced, she knows what to do. I let out a deep breath and patiently waited for her to add some passion into the kiss, but she suddenly pulled away.

My eyes flew open and I looked at Shay in horror. She's smiling at me, her eyes are soft and full of understanding. It's pretty clear that she didn't want me to kiss her.

"Cosima," she smiled, touching my knee. "I'm in a relationship. I can't kiss you."

"O…okay," I whispered, avoiding her gaze. My bottom lip began to tremble and I knew I was going to cry within a few seconds. "I'll see you next week."

I left Shay's car in a hurry, ran up to the house and slammed the front door behind me as I stepped into the hallway.

"Cosima," my mom greeted me as she jumped up from the couch. "You're home early sweetheart."

I glanced at my father who is sitting in his favorite chair, staring out of the window with a glass of whiskey in his hand. He's nibbling on his bottom lip and my mom looks upset. I think I've interrupted a conversation or an argument. They've been fighting a lot recently and even though they keep denying it, I know it's about me. They're definitely not on the same page when it comes to dealing with my deafness and it hurts to see them struggle.

"The party wasn't as fun as I thought it would be."

"How come honey?"

I shrugged my shoulders and did my best to push back tears.

"Cos?"

"I… I …"

My phone suddenly vibrated in my pocket and I mentally thanked the sender of the message for rescuing me from this awkward situation.

"Cos?"

"Not now mom, I'm going to bed. I'm extremely tired."

I didn't wait for a response and turned around, opening Delphine's text as I climbed the stairs.

Did you arrive home safely? I'm not happy with your decision to leave without me. I'm super worried about you Cosima. I know Simon didn't want to drive you home, but you didn't even ask if I wanted to come with you. You don't even know this Shay! I certainly don't trust her.

I swallowed thickly and collapsed on my bed with a deep sigh. I know I should have asked her if she wanted to come home with me, but I desperately wanted to spend some time alone with Shay. I regret that decision now. I would never have kissed her if Delphine was in the car with us, which means I wouldn't have gotten the chance to humiliate myself. I feel so guilty now. I left Delphine waiting at my house to hang out with Shay at The Rabbit Hole, and now I left her at the party while she clearly wanted to go home with me. Shit…

To: Delphine
I'm so sorry Delphine. Let's hang out tomorrow?

I quickly undressed, brushed my teeth and crawled under the sheets, moaning at the softness. I checked my phone again and let out a frustrated groan when I realized that there was no text from Delphine. I placed my phone on my nightstand and reached under my pillow. A loud gasp escaped my mouth when I didn't find my personal scrapbook there. My body bolted upright and my heart began to hammer inside my chest. What… the… fuck. It should be here. My heart started to beat faster and faster when I slowly realized that Dana always changes the sheets on Saturdays. I threw the sheets aside, jumped out of bed and lifted the mattress to look underneath it, when I suddenly spotted a figure standing in the doorway. My eyes immediately fell on the blue scrapbook in my mother's hands and I could feel all the color draining from my face.

"Cos, baby, we need to talk."