i bought the reaper a calendar the other day.
sharing mine with her hadn't worked out so well.
she kept finding all the good days,
the days i'd circled in bright yellow pen,
and deciding to go to work then.

Aren Turing (17)

District Five

four months ago

They never did this anymore, he and his dad. The last time that they went up to the dam, he was probably fourteen. Maybe there was once or twice when he was fifteen, but Aren couldn't remember. This was a habit that they shared when he was little.

"Shit, it's getting warm," his dad said as they walked along. The water rushed down below them. When he was younger, he would peer over the edge while Dad hung onto him, letting him get really close but keeping him grounded safely on the dam. He would always laugh and shriek like he was about to fall. That was probably in the beginning of their walks on the dam, when he was really little. Eventually it had turned into a time to just talk with Dad. Mostly he did the talking, about how the dam worked, but sometimes Aren spoke up. Before his voice started really bothering him, he would talk nonstop up here. Dad was pretty much the only one he could speak nonstop to.

Aren had already shed his jacket on the way over, so he understood where his dad was coming from with the heat. He was sweating his ass off, and a dive off into the cool water below them sounded better than ever, if it wouldn't leave him splattered down at the bottom.

"Don't tell your mother I said shit," Dad said as soon as he realized what he'd done. He turned around from where he was walking ahead of Aren to point at him with a little grin on his face.

He was in a particularly good mood. Not that Dad was really known for being in a bad mood. But he was really cheery, bubbly, like Aren didn't usually see on your average day. It was more like his birthday Dad or holiday Dad self. There was something up his sleeve for sure. He was so bad at hiding that kind of thing.

"I'm calling her as we speak," Aren joked, though his voice was quiet and a little flat.

Dad rolled his eyes. Aren thought he was going to keep walking, but instead he sat down where he was, scooting forward so his legs could dangle over the side. Aren paused and then followed suit, sitting down and swinging his legs. The sun was beating down on them right here, and although he really missed their walks, this time he kind of just wanted to get it over with and find somewhere with shade to talk it out. Whatever was going on, that was.

"Okay," he started, letting out a breath. He turned toward him, looking Aren over for a moment. His eyes were crinkled with a smile he was trying to hold back. "Your mother and I have some news for you, but I thought it'd be best if we delivered it like this."

"Okay…?" Aren cocked his head, getting a little nervous despite the fact that it was a good thing. Nervous maybe wasn't the right word. He was just anxious to know what was going on. He didn't like surprises like this, especially not when they were dragged out.

"Do you remember when you told me you're a boy? Right here?" Dad asked, gesturing around to the dam.

Yeah. Yeah, Aren remembered that. Part of him had known that his dad wouldn't care, that he would be good about it, but he was still worried. And it had still been one of the most awkward things in his entire life. It wasn't like people like him were unknown, especially not in districts like Five that were slowly getting better, but it also wasn't like people went around explaining these things to new parents in case their children turned out to be trans.

"Yeah, Dad," he said, knowing that the news wouldn't continue unless he got some kind of affirmation to the question that should've been pretty rhetorical for anyone else.

"Okay, well. Your mother and I have been trying to make this happen for months. We have the money, and we found a doctor," Dad said.

A doctor? That could really only mean one thing. Well, two things, but only one thing that he had already talked to them about. Testosterone. They were going to make it happen!

"Really?" Aren exclaimed. Maybe Dad wanted to say the words himself, the big reveal, but Aren couldn't contain his excitement. He leaned forward and threw his arms around Dad in a hug, squeezing his eyes shut and trying not to let his heart burst with joy. Just keep pumping long enough to enjoy this, he reminded it. It was all that they'd been waiting for, he and his heart. He pulled away from the hug and looked at his dad in the eyes, wanting him to really feel his gratitude. "You're the best parents in the world. I mean that. Thank you."

Dad shook his head, and there were tears in his eyes. Aren laughed and shook his head too, looking out over the dam. He didn't want to cry. He hated crying, especially with his sappy Dad. But it was hard not to, especially when he could feel his dad shaking next to him as he wiped the tears out of his eyes.

"Oh, Aren, we love you," he said, his voice breaking in the middle of "love," but it was more of a half-laugh half-cry. "We knew we had to make this happen for you, pal."

Aren let out a quick, concentrated breath, focusing all of his efforts on not letting his eyes fill up with tears. He looked up at the sky, the sun getting straight into his eyes, and when he no longer felt like he would break down into sobs at any moment, he looked over at Dad again.

"When?" he asked. He didn't want to sound ungrateful, but he knew that Dad would understand. He was just excited. It was time to cut to the chase.

"The doctor's appointment is next Monday. We'll listen to what he says and go from there," he said. "Now, we think it might be a couple weeks before anything big happens, of course, because he's a traveling doctor. From Thirteen! But within the next month."

Within the next month. Within the next month, his dream for years would become a reality. Now he couldn't keep the tears out of his eyes and he choked out a laugh, looking down at the water below them as he wiped the tears from his eyes. His dad put an arm around his shoulders and he leaned against him like he was young again. He wasn't going to outright cry, but it would take more energy than he had within him to keep himself from getting emotional altogether.

He had always known that it would maybe be a possibility one day. His father helped to build the very dam they sat on, so comparatively in District Five, they lived comfortably, without too many wants and needs going unsatisfied. So the hormones that were, to many, a far-off fantasy were always just shy of reality for Aren. But he had never wanted to beg his parents to spend that kind of money on him. Part of him had assumed it would stay a dream unless he became an engineer like his father to find the money for himself.

Now it was real. It was real.

They stood back up, both of them sniffling and holding in their tears with smiles on their faces as they walked the rest of the length of the dam in silence. When they were on the other end, they found a tree to stand under for a minute, a brief relief from the heat beating down on them. Aren leaned back against the bark, wondering how things were going to be for him in a month. This wasn't a magical cure to fix how he felt about his body and his voice entirely, but it was revolutionary.

"You look so much happier than you have lately," Dad remarked, his voice thoughtful and quiet.

Aren didn't like this line of conversation, though. He didn't really care to tell anyone exactly what he was feeling, even if this was a bonding moment that he and Dad hadn't had in a long time. "I'm excited," he said, because that was the shortest way to sum up everything that was racing through his chest.

They started walking back home again, and his dad fell into a ramble about work, the dam that they were building now. Aren listened closely, although he would be just as happy if his mind was wandering now. But he liked to hear about his dad's work. He liked to imagine that he'd be in that position one day, working on dams for hydroelectric power, dams that would affect all of Panem.

When they got back home, his mom was grinning at him, and she pulled him close into a tight hug. She asked if Dad had explained any of the logistics to him, about the appointment next Monday and the doctor from Thirteen and how it would be within the month, all the things Aren already knew but that she wanted to tell him again anyway.

"Can I go out with Ray and Karma?" he asked them once the excitement died down a little. He was dying to tell someone else that it was all finally coming true.

"Oh! Yeah, go ahead," his mom said, looking to Dad to see if he didn't mind either. When he waved him away, Aren nodded and went out the door.

Karma would be at home, and the two of them could find out where Ray was together. He had the bus money for both of them to go around looking.

The walk to Karma's was no worse than the walk with Dad, but he figured he'd stop at his friend's house for a bit before heading out again. He didn't want to give himself a heat stroke and ruin the whole day.

Karma's mom opened the door for him when he got there, and she invited him in with a smile. "Aren Turing, you get out of this god-awful heat right now," she told him, ushering him into the kitchen before he knew what was going on. She had him sitting down at their table sipping at a glass of water before she even called Karma in from his room, and as soon as his friend saw what his mom was inflicting on Aren, his face went beet red.

"Mom, come on," Karma said, motioning for her to get out of the kitchen. She rolled her eyes goodnaturedly as she walked out to let Karma and Aren talk.

Karma sat down next to him. "Dude, have you been walking all day or something? You look like you're dying," he said.

Aren shrugged. "Dad took me out to the dam."

"Oh, you guys haven't done that in forever," Karma said.

He couldn't hold it in. Part of him had been thinking to wait until they found where Ray was that day to tell Karma, but if he did, he'd be bursting at the seams with the news by the time the three of them were together.

"It was to tell me they're going to get me on T," he said, his face breaking as his lips turned up in an uncontrollable smile and the corners of his eyes wrinkled with the excitement. "Within this month."

Karma lit up for him, a genuine smile on his face, too. "Really? That's really great, dude!"

Aren felt like he was on top of the world for a little bit, for just a day. He couldn't care about anything else in the world but this feeling.

present day

Reaping day came quicker than it ever did this year. It seemed that not all that long ago it was unnaturally hot days in March, it was the whirlwind of the doctor's appointment for T, it was things swinging his way. Now, it was waking up in the morning and searching for where he left his binder, so he could morbidly dress up for the kids that they would send off to the reaping this year.

Reaping mornings were quiet things, planning for the rest of the day with clouds hanging over the conversation, wondering who would be leaving, who wouldn't be able to finish their plans for the rest of the day. Aren wasn't sure if every family did this, but he felt like his parents planned things out as if that would stop the reaping from grabbing him up. Like saying that they would go to the store on the way home would ensure that his name was not going to be drawn. How could it be, when he had to help his parents carry groceries inside?

"Aren," Dad called while he was getting dressed, so he quickened his pace. It was easier to get out there before his dad called again than to yell in response. When he was in the hallway outside of his room, his dad patted him on the shoulder. "I was thinking of taking you into work next week, how's that sound?"

He felt electric, nodding to Dad as he searched for the words. He needed more experience if he wanted to go to one of the schools in Five. Applications cost money and he needed something that would guarantee him a spot in the engineering program to ensure it wasn't a waste. Going and seeing the kind of stuff he would be doing after school would be one of the things he needed. And, of course, he just really liked seeing that shit.

"Thank you," he finally settled on. He had gotten a little more comfortable with his voice lately as it slowly started the process of dropping some, but it was still a habit of his to keep his words to a minimum like before, when his voice was nothing but a shitty reminder of what he didn't need reminded.

Dad nodded and as they went down the hallway together, he said, "You're looking dapper, son. I swear every day you get older and older."

The corner of his mouth turned up in a half-confused smile. He didn't think that nice pants and a button up were excessively "dapper," and didn't know what that had to do with the progression of time. "Well, that's… that's what aging does, yeah."

Dad chuckled and shook his head. "No, I mean every day, you're already older, smarter. You're gonna be out of the house before Mom and I know what to do about it," he explained.

Now they were in the kitchen, with Mom bustling around to make sure everything was shut off and she had money and keys for the bus fare and groceries. Dad's eyes looked a little bittersweet as he watched her pull the keys out of her pocket where she hadn't realized she put them.

"Okay, let's go," Mom said, smiling at the two, but her heart wasn't in it. Her eyes still held the reaping day storm clouds in them.

At the reaping, he got lost in the people before he could find Ray and Karma. Normally they all stood together, but he guessed that one year without that wouldn't really matter. It just made Aren nervous, like one of them was already swept away, scooped up into the Games before the reaping had even started.

Shit, the thought of seeing either of them on screen just made him sick to his stomach.

It was times like these, standing in the square and watching Dmitri Waterfell take the stage, when anger fucking suffocated him for a moment, when all he could feel for the Capitol was bitterness. Dmitri spoke, his bright yellow getup making it hard to focus too much on the words he spewed. And it seemed he was always spewing, even greeting them as My lovely District Five. Yeah, they were really quite lovely when they died.

"You think we can start a winning streak here?" he asked, eagerly looking out over the crowd. He really was just clueless to bring up their first victor in twenty-five years, and think that anyone would draw conclusions other than that the two reaped this year would not be coming back. They weren't lucky enough to have victors from Five two years in a row.

Not to mention—even if that were possible, only one of them would be coming back, and not on accident like last year when Owen Eleksi's district partner was killed when they were separated. This year, they wouldn't be partnered up with home.

Aren tried to tune Dmitri's words out as he blabbered before every action about District Five winning. This was just a slap in the face with their odds being extremely well-known by everyone in the square except him, apparently.

When he drew out the boy's name, he told the crowd, "Everyone, this feels like one lucky slip of paper." There was a split second pause, a moment where the Earth paused to listen in. "Aren Turing!"

Everyone went so quiet he could hear his own heartbeat in his chest.

How could they pull out his name?

He had groceries to help put away. He had his dad's work to go see. He had the top surgery fund his parents had started to put together for the future. He had Ray and Karma wanting to hang out this weekend.

He had his entire life sitting in front of him, waiting for him to join it at the dinner table, but death came and stole his seat.

A couple people who knew him started to move out of the way, and everyone got the gist. Move for Aren. Move for the poor tribute guy.

He choked out a sob before he realized that he was even crying, and when he reached up to his eyes the tears were already drawing streaks down his face.

Up on the stage, Dmitri put a hand on his back, rubbing little circles that were meant to be… comforting? While he was reaped?

"Are there any volunteers?" he asked, looking out at the crowd.

Aren felt his lip quiver and another sob burst out of him. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to be anywhere else, but Dmitri wouldn't stop talking. He moved onto the girls' bowl and Aren wanted to break a hole in the stage below him so he could disappear down there. He wanted to hide from his fate.

After Karma and Ray left the Justice Building, Mom and Dad came in, rushing in to sandwich Aren between them. Mom was already crying, and Dad seemed just shy of it. Which just sent Aren right back at it.

"Oh, honey, no," Mom said, her voice swallowed up by the crying, so it was choppy and choked. It sounded like the words clawed their way out involuntarily.

Dad pulled away long enough to look at his face, shaking his head over and over. It just didn't stop, and maybe it wouldn't for long as Aren was a tribute, for as long as they refused to go back out to the stage and take someone else. Someone who had more of a chance than he did.

"My boy. My boy," Dad said, and finally he shut his eyes and turned his head as the crying caught up with him. Aren's shoulders were shaking. He couldn't do this. He couldn't watch Dad break right in front of his eyes.

He remembered the first time Dad had called him his boy. It was on the dam, the very day that Aren told him he wasn't a girl. He had stumbled at first, confused, but ultimately he just listened to Aren. And when it had become too much that day, the emotions hitting him despite how good it went, Aren had started crying, so Dad wrapped him up in a hug. He had brought him close, whispering, "You're my boy. It's okay. You're my boy."

He was caught there, remembering a million different things from a life that wasn't supposed to end like this, from a life that went on far beyond eighteen years. He remembered how he had cleaned his room a few nights ago, getting tired of all the clutter, but it had been miserably boring. All he had wanted to do was go hang out with Karma, but he told himself he couldn't until the room was clean. It ended up taking so long that he just stayed home. Would he have bothered if he knew? He remembered the last time he was shitty to someone—Riley Ekra, because he had a grudge on her from the way she broke up with Karma so abruptly and unfeelingly, so Aren was always short with her. But now was it worth it?

Mom let out a shaky breath that didn't quite end her crying, so she tried at it again until she was finally calm enough to speak, and then she moved away from the hug as well. "Okay," she said, her voice raw. "Aren, I love you so much, it's killing me." She gasped and put a hand on his knee, steadying herself. "And I need you to know that you are a brave, brave kid. So I want you to come home. And I know it's going to hurt, and it's not fair, but there are too many people here who need your light in their life. Okay?"

Aren sniffled and nodded. "Okay. Okay. I'll try, Mom," he whispered.

Dad was shaking his head again. "No, you can't doubt yourself, Aren. You can't afford that."

"Okay," he said again, wiping tears out of his eyes. "Okay. I love you."

A Peacekeeper opened the door and he knew exactly what that meant. His heart sunk in his chest and he watched as they stepped into the room, motioning for his parents to leave. They wrapped their arms around him again, both falling back into tears. Aren squeezed them as tight as he could, hands bunching up the fabric of the backs of their shirts. He didn't want to let them go, but they stood up and his grip on them fell away.

Once they were gone, the Peacekeeper said, "Time to go, kid," and Aren lost it.

At first it was just hyperventilating, but then when he stood up it was sobbing again, and the Peacekeeper's arm was on his back to guide him along. But then he started yelling, thrashing away from the Peacekeeper's touch. He didn't want to get on that train. He didn't want to leave District Five.

"No!" he shrieked, going back into his goodbyes room. Bring his parents back, let them take him home, let him move on in peace, let him forget this ever happened. Let him live, let him live. "No! No!"

"Let's go peacefully, kid," the Peacekeeper said, grabbing his arm to bring him outside forcefully.

His parents were still out in the lobby. When he saw them he pulled as hard as he could away from the Peacekeeper's grip, but he wasn't strong enough.

"No! Mom! Dad!"

The Peacekeeper jerked on him and now he was really just yelling, screaming, thrashing against them as hard as he could, knowing nothing would come of it, but he couldn't walk peacefully out to that car. He couldn't when his dad's voice echoed in his mind, and the last hug he ever shared with Ray and Karma, and the way he made the bed before the reaping so it would be more comfortable that night, and fuck, fuck, fuck—who was going to help them carry the groceries in?

hehehe this one is specifically written to make my best friend ash cry bc aren is from ash i just want everyone to know i'm forcing them to be on the phone with me when i drop this so that i'm there when they read it and cry

chapter question: was there anything really particularly sad about this chapter & aren to you?