A/N: Oh crap guys, I think this is the most angsty thing I've ever written, which actually is unplanned of me, but here it is. As you can tell from the title of the chapter, this features Albus' relationship with Aberforth. Gellert makes, um, an appearance toward the end, but I'm saving him for later. There will be more Aberforth later, but for now, he is only interacting with Albus in this chapter.
One thing I noticed when reading other (many incredibly good) fanfics here is that some have "Aberforth" shortened into "Abe," while others say "Ab." I like Abe better, but according to the Deathly Hallows part 2 transcript, Neville refers to Aberforth as "Ab," so Ab it is here.
You have to remember, Aberforth is 3 years younger than Albus - he'd only be late 14-15 years old when their mother died. To loose one's mother so young; it had to be awful, and thus the angst. We don't see a lot of Aberforth in the books, but I've tried to write him as described. The stuff I took from to write his character is at the bottom.
One last thing: I did some research on homophobic language, and I found out that "queer" emerged in the late 19th century as a way to refer to gay people in a not-so-nice manner, so it at least fits the time-frame. Did they use the F bomb in England in the 1890s? I looked up the history of the word and it says it emerged in the late 1490s-early 1500s, so it definitely existed.
HermyLuna2 - Thanks so much! As fun as it is to go off on a tangent and write a completely AU story, I like to stick with canon, because JK Rowling's world is perfect just as it is! Plausible is a good thing; I like to show what we didn't see in the books that JK Rowling has already created. The slash is definitely going to be here... Gellert makes a brief appearance in this chapter at the end, but I'm saving him. I think the next chapter will be Gellert. If not the next chapter, he will definitely be second to next.
Red Furry Demon - Thanks, I actually did go back and change the mistakes (editing the chapter was easier than I thought). I had a lot of mistakes in the previous chapter, like a lot, which is so frustrating because it's like they sneak their way in under an invisibility cloak and only show up the morning after I publish a new chapter. Don't be crying though, LOL. I have too noticed that a lot of Dark!Harry fics include Dumbledore bashing, so sad. I really do think the points I raised last chapter have been totally ignored/forgotten by so many fans and it makes me kinda mad. But I mean even Hermione stood up for Dumbledore in Deathly Hallows, and if the readers don't listen to Hermione, they sure as hell aren't going to listen to me... Honestly, Dumbledore is more of a tragic figure than anything else, IMO.
Amy W. Key - Thanks so much, yeah, it's definitely a hard position for Dumbledore to be in. He knew like the fate of the entire world was relying on destroying the Horcruxes and Voldemort being killed. I think it killed him to put Harry in that position where he thought he was walking to his death...
Aletta-Feather - Thank you, Dumbledore can definitely be seen as a God-like figure overseeing the full story, but he's also human like the rest of us. It's because he is so omniscient. I remember JK Rowling saying that Dumbledore knows "pretty much everything" about the Harry Potter universe. He knows everything about everybody, but nobody knows anything about his past! I also remember JK Rowling saying that Dumbledore is burdened with knowing, when he would rather not know. He does have to make some harsh decisions for the greater good, and I think he hates that about himself, yet he does it anyway.
"Reality returned in the form of my rough, unlettered, and infinitely more admirable brother. I did not want to hear the truths he shouted at me."
- Albus Dumbledore, Deathly Hallows, pg. 717 (US)
December 1897
Sixteen-year-old Albus heard his bedroom door creak open, but he did not bother to look up to see who it was. He already knew who it would be. He continued to read over what he had just written as he sat crisscrossed upon his bed with parchment and books spread out all around him.
"Al, why don't you stop being supreme scholar of the Wizarding world and come downstairs to actually spend Christmas with our mother and sister?"
Albus did not meet his brother's gaze. Aberforth's tone had been light, but Albus knew better.
"I shall, in a short while," Albus muttered.
"I don't understand why you spend all your time hiding up here," Aberforth said. "We haven't seen them since September first. I mean, don't you care about them?"
Albus looked up at him hesitantly over his glasses. "Of course I do. I just really wanted to finish this before now; I really wanted this to be published at the end of next month, but now it doesn't appear like that will happen."
Aberforth just continued to look at him as if he was waiting for more.
"So I'm trying to finish it," added Albus lamely.
"That's it?" said Aberforth. "We both know you would be hiding up here even if you had finished whatever it is you're writing. It's very hurtful to the rest of our family. So why?"
Albus brought his left hand to his forehead. He didn't know how to tell Aberforth the truth – the truth that Albus felt guilty every time he looked at Ariana. He knew he should put aside what he was doing and go downstairs, but it was very difficult for him to do, and he knew that he would hate every minute of it. He loved his mother and sister, but it was not easy to sit there in the living room as Ariana struggled with herself every minute of every day. It made Albus feel very hollow and miserable on the inside. It was like visiting the bedside of a dying person. It was not easy to do. It was far too tempting to hide inside his bedroom and simply deny he was doing so in order to avoid being in the same room as his sister.
But before Albus could say those three words – I feel guilty – Aberforth said, "I don't understand you."
With that, his younger brother swept from the room, leaving Albus feeling even worse. Get up, Albus thought to himself. Get up and follow him. He couldn't summon the will to stand.
Early July 1899
"Albus?"
Oh shit.
The suddenly completely adult seventeen-year-old Albus looked up from the book he was reading to see his newly-turned fifteen-year-old brother looking at him. Aberforth was looking anxious and he did not appear angry at all, but Albus did not let his hopes up. The only time Aberforth talked to Albus was when he wanted to fight with him. Albus figured that he must want something. Whatever it was Aberforth wanted, it was something that Albus was probably not going to give.
"Yes?" Albus asked, stopping himself just in time before he said, "What do you want?"
"I – I was wondering if I could have a little bit of money so that I can go visit with my friends this weekend."
Albus sighed. "No, Aberforth, I'm sorry," he said. "We simply do not have any spare money right now."
Aberforth's demeanor changed instantly and Albus braced himself for shouting and profanity.
"I see," said Aberforth angrily. "So it's fine for you to spend all your bloody spare time fucking Gellert's brains out and running around with him, but I can't take so much as a Knut for a weekend with my friends?"
"There are so many things wrong with what you just said," said Albus, firing up immediately as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Firstly, you have no right to talk to me with such foul language; secondly, I don't spend any money when I am with Gellert; thirdly, he is nothing but my friend –"
"Oh please!" shouted Aberforth. "I know you two queers are together and, oh my God, is it disgusting!"
"We are nothing but friends and it doesn't matter anyway! The only reason you and I and Ariana aren't half-starved is because Mrs. Bagshot keeps feeding us! I can't give you money for you to run around with your friends when we're relying on the charity of others to keep us decently fed! It would be irresponsible. You can see your friends on September first when you go back to school!"
"I'm not even going back to school!" snarled Aberforth.
"You are going back to school, even if I have to tie you to the Hogwarts Express myself! Don't think I wouldn't!"
"I hate you!" Aberforth shot with as much menace as he could. "You are absolutely disgusting and I'm ashamed to have a queer as my brother. I fucking hate you!"
"Yes, I know – you tell me every day how much you hate me –"
"It's your fault!" screamed Aberforth, his voice cracking with the strain. "Everything is your fault, you good-for-nothing q-queer!"
Albus felt something in him snap and he heard himself shout, "Stop calling me that!" He hated how childish his voice had sounded.
"It's your fault our father is dead!" Aberforth continued to scream at the top of his lungs. "It's your fault Ariana's damaged; it's your fault our father died in Azkaban; it's your fault our mother is dead! You were supposed to be watching Ariana! If you had just done that, or better yet, if you didn't exist at all, our family would be whole and happy! It's your fault, you fucking queer, and I hate you! I HATE YOU!"
Albus could not even retort. The venom with which Aberforth was shouting was frightening. He had never seen Aberforth this angry, ever, so Albus simply stared. Aberforth quickly turned around and stormed from the room, his whole body shaking and his face furious. Albus stood there in silence, looking at the doorway in which Aberforth had disappeared.
Albus had never had it verbalized. His feelings of guilt regarding his sister's condition had always been unvoiced. But now here was Aberforth, confirming and solidifying Albus' role in Ariana's mental instability. It was his fault. But of course it was his fault. He was supposed to watch her and he didn't. Had he just watched his sister like he was told, those Muggles would never have gotten their hands on her... and his father would not have had to go after them... and Ariana would never have killed their mother. He imagined a world where Albus Dumbledore didn't exist. His father, mother, brother, and sister would all be alive and well and happy...
You've done enough, Albus. Those were his father's lasts words to him when Albus had tried to go with him to hunt down the Muggles. You've done enough.
Early August 1899
It was a Saturday morning and Albus did not have to go to work. Instead, he was lying on his left side in his bed, facing Gellert. Both of the young men were sweaty and still breathing hard and anyone over the age of nine could've told you exactly what they had just been doing. But just as Albus closed his eyes and came closer into Gellert's arms, his bedroom door burst open.
Both Albus and Gellert froze.
"Albus, get up – it's Ariana – she's upset and I can't calm her down – please! Get up – get up –"
Albus had never heard his brother sound this scared before and, given the fact that he had chosen not to comment on the scene he had walked into, Albus knew this was serious.
"All right," Albus rasped, and as soon as he moved to get up, he heard Aberforth go running back down the hallway.
Albus got dressed as quickly as possible and grabbed his wand off the nightstand.
"Do you want me to help?" asked Gellert, sounding almost bored.
"No, stay," Albus said shortly before he went hurrying after Aberforth, speeding down the steps and into the kitchen.
Ariana was sitting on the kitchen floor, crying. Magic had already come exploding out of her. Everything that was easily breakable – the window, glasses, plates, even the milk jug – had been shattered and was now in pieces. Aberforth was holding her hand and was trying to get her to look at him, but she refused to open her eyes. She was moaning, "Please don't let them hurt me."
Albus raised his wand and did the only thing he thought he could do – that he didn't want to do – but did it anyway. He stunned her. The crying stopped and she fell gently onto her side, completely unconscious.
Neither brother spoke.
Albus had seen this before. He had seen one of Ariana's fits before, but the last time he had seen one was before Ariana had accidentally killed their mother. Their mother's body had been broken, just like the windows, the plates, the glasses…. It was different now. They had never seen Ariana as dangerous, but that had all changed.
Aberforth stirred. He picked up Ariana and held her unconscious form in his arms. Then he wordlessly picked their little sister up – Albus saw him struggle a bit to hold her weight – and placed her onto the sofa in the living room. Albus followed after him silently. Both watched her sleep for a long moment.
"She won't remember," Albus said finally. "When she wakes up, I don't think she'll remember any of this."
Aberforth nodded. Then Albus suddenly remembered what Aberforth had seen when he walked into Albus' room. Albus prepared himself for taunting, or yelling, or insulting, but he could not find the strength to walk away. Aberforth would say what he wanted to say sooner or later anyway, so it might as well be now.
"Listen, Albus…" Aberforth said quietly, not looking at him.
Albus waited for the name-calling and expletives to begin.
"I'm telling you this because you're my brother," Aberforth said finally. "I care about you. And I'm telling you that I don't trust Gellert. There's something… off about him. There's something not right about him. I think you're making a big mistake and I'm worried about what might happen to you. I don't like him."
Well, that's not what Albus had been expecting. After a moment of being taken-aback, Albus then scoffed. "You only don't like him because he's a man. If he was a woman, you would be totally fine with it. You just hate that I'm homosexual."
"That's not true."
Albus laughed coldly. "Odd, I seem to remember you saying that you hated me because I'm a disgusting queer. You've told me dozens of times, in fact – screamed it."
Aberforth finally looked at him directly, his expression serious. "Listen, okay, I know – I know I've been quite mean to you about it, and I've called you all kinds of horrible names, and I'm sorry for that, Albus. I'm sorry. I don't hate you, and it's not right for me to do, but I'm just – I'm so angry."
The honesty in his brother's voice threw Albus off for a moment and he stared.
"I'm so angry that our parents are gone," Aberforth went on feverishly, "I'm so angry that our father died in prison over those Muggles; I'm angry that those Muggles made Ariana unstable; I'm angry that Ariana is still suffering because of them; I'm angry that you and I are only fifteen and eighteen –" he took in a deep breath. "I'm angry. And I'm hurt. And I channel all that anger toward you, because you're the only outlet I have."
Albus felt his jaw slacken, but he managed to not let his jaw drop completely. There were tears glittering in Aberforth's eyes. Albus hadn't seen him cry since before Albus went off to Hogwarts.
"I'm fifteen years old and I lost our mother. I forget that you've lost her too. What happens if I go off to Hogwarts and then I find out Ariana's accidentally killed you too? I don't hate you, Albus, I don't hate you at all; you're the only brother I have, and you're the only brother I'm going to ever have; I don't –" but Aberforth's voice cut off here, as if his throat had been closed against his will.
Albus bolted forward and put his arms around Aberforth. Aberforth put his arms around Albus as well, not as tall as his older brother, but still growing. He rested his head on Albus' shoulder and cried, his shoulders shaking.
"It's all right," Albus murmured. "It's all right."
Albus saw clearly for this first time how stupid he had been. He should have seen through Aberforth's verbal attacks and name-calling. He was fifteen years old and he was now an orphan. His attacks on Albus had not been because Albus was homosexual; he attacked him because he was the only one Aberforth had left besides a mentally damaged sister. Aberforth was young, and hurt, and angry. He certainly was not going to take his anger out on Ariana. No, Aberforth was channeling his anger through Albus. He should not have taken Aberforth's taunting, insulting, and fighting personally. He was a hurt kid lashing out at the only person he could because he was in pain. Even a dog in pain is going to bite if someone gets close to it.
"I'm sorry, Ab," said Albus quietly. "I'm sorry – no," he said when Aberforth made a sound of protest, "I've messed up too. I should've known everything you just told me, but I didn't. I haven't been insightful or mature. I should've realized how much you're hurting."
Aberforth pulled away and sniffled, his skin flushed, his eyes red and watery. "I –" he stammered, "I'm not enthused that you're… different, but I'm telling you this because I care about you. I don't trust Gellert and I think something bad is going to happen someday."
Albus knew better than to argue, even though he disagreed. "I hear what you're saying," he said, affectionately brushing a strand of hair off his brother's forehead, "and I thank you for telling me this. Really, I do. Everything you just told me is honest. I love you and I promise things are going to be different between you and me. I can't be our mother or father, but I can be your older brother, and I'm going to try to be the best one I can be."
Aberforth nodded, not looking at Albus.
"Let's allow Ariana to sleep a while longer," Albus said quietly. "She is peaceful for now. She will wake up on her own, when she is ready."
Aberforth nodded again. Then he awkwardly walked away and back into the kitchen. Albus looked into the direction his brother had disappeared for a moment before straightening up and going back upstairs to Gellert.
It was odd. Aberforth had taunted him about being homosexual since Gellert came along, yet Aberforth had never walked in on Albus and Gellert together doing anything. Aberforth had called Albus a disgusting queer since before Albus admitted to himself that he had feelings for Gellert. Yet now that Aberforth had seen solid proof that Albus was indeed romantically involved with Gellert... Aberforth had not taunted him at all. They had even had a mature discussion...
Late August 1899
Albus did not even put up a fight. He was only dimly aware that a handful of people were watching the whole scene.
"It's all your fault, Albus, God damn you!" Aberforth shouted. He was standing before Albus, who was still sitting in his seat. Up until this point, Aberforth had remained quiet, but it seemed like the grief and righteous anger in Aberforth had reached its boiling point.
Albus felt himself stand up so that he was taller than Aberforth. He tried to say something, but all of his words died on his lips before he could say them.
"It's your fault Ariana's dead!" Aberforth went on, his fists balled and tears in his eyes.
"Now, Ab," Bathilda Bagshot had risen to her feet behind Albus,"come now, come take a walk with me, let's talk about this - this isn't the time or place."
"Why won't you say something?" Aberforth screamed at his brother, completely ignoring Bathilda.
But Albus didn't. He couldn't. He watched Aberforth raise his right fist and Albus closed his eyes. He felt his nose break and the blood flowed down his face, all over his lips and chin. He heard people cry out. Albus opened his eyes in time to see Aberforth storming away. Albus swayed where he stood for a moment and then walked away too, ignoring the people who were speaking to him - telling him to stay. Albus walked back home. He didn't even mend his nose. It was the last time Aberforth would say anything to him for forty-six years.
Here's what we've heard about Aberforth:
1. "Aberforth was never bookish and, unlike Albus, preferred to settle arguments by dueling rather than through reasoned discussion" (Elphias Doge, Deathly Hallows, pg. 18 (US)).
2. "'He were a head case, that Aberforth,' says Enid Smeek, whose family lived on the outskirts of Godric's Hollow at that time. 'Ran wild. 'Course, with his mum and dad gone you'd have felt sorry for him, only he kept chucking goat dung at my head. I don't think Albus was fussed about him, I never saw them together, anyway'" (Deathly Hallows, pg. 354 (US)).
3. "Aberforth blamed Albus, you know, as people will under these dreadful circumstances. But Aberforth always talked a little madly, poor boy" (Bathilda Bagshot, Deathly Hallows, pg. 358 (US)).
4. "I was left the responsibility of a damaged sister and a wayward brother" (Albus Dumbledore, Deathly Hallows, pg. 716 (US)).
5. The quote found at the beginning.
And here's what we heard about Ariana's funeral:
6. "'Didn't Aberforth break Albus's nose halfway through the service? ... Bathilda described the whole thing to Mother while I was listening at the door. A coffin-side brawl! The way Bathilda told it, Aberforth shouted that it was all Albus's fault that Ariana was dead and then punched him in the face. According to Bathilda, Albus did not even defend himself, and that's odd enough in itself, Albus could have destroyed Aberforth in a duel with both hands tied behind his back.'" (Muriel, Deathly Hallows, pg. 153 (US)).