A/N: Ummm, okay, this is that crackish chapter that I mentioned last chapter. While it is crackficish, I can also completely believe Dumbledore would do something along these lines, and since he was headmaster for decades, it had to have come up from time to time. Yes, I really think this would fit him, but probably a lot of you will disagree. I'm all right with this.

If you aren't into this chapter, don't worry, the next chapter after this will be in the normal, serious doom-and-gloom fashion. This is short and lighthearted.

mangoarcher1802: Ah, I'm thinking either next chapter or two chapters from now. It's hard putting Harry in because we pretty much have already seen all the Harry-Dumbledore interactions from the books. The only stuff I can work with is looking at the same interactions from Dumbledore's eyes! But I do love the Harry-Dumbledore relationship. It's my favorite part of the entire series, so I like writing about it.

Red Furry Demon: Yes definitely, Albus is scariest in this chapter. I think Albus would agree that this version of himself is downright terrifying. You know, I always thought he was kind of afraid of how far he would've gone at Grindelwald's side if Ariana had not died. How far would he have gone before snapping out of it? He'd probably be terrified of hearing the answer. As for "Prisoner of Nurmengard," now that's crack. My chapter here is not so crackficish anymore. But it was hilarious. "The checkout card had your name on it. Seventy-two times." Haha! "BUT HE'S THE EVIL OVERLORD WHO CAUSED WORLD WAR II! HOW COULD YOU, DUMBLEDORE?" Hahaha!

Terahlyanwe: Thank you, but if you don't understand why Albus did the things he did, I'm afraid I've failed as a fanfic writer. My whole point of this fanfiction is to defend his character by explaining why he did the things he did! Dumbledore is a product of guilt, knowledge, and power. I think of Dumbledore as a well-intentioned person who made mistakes early in his life, and he never got over making those mistakes. I think he felt overwhelming guilt because of his sister and Grindelwald. JK Rowling said that Dumbledore knows things, and he would "rather not know." Dumbledore knows everything about everybody, but nobody knew his true self, and this allowed him to manipulate others. He is powerful, and with that power came personal responsibility. I think he genuinely tried to do the right thing, JKR said that Dumbledore was a "innately good man," but he had to hurt others in the process, and that only added to the guilt he already felt. He didn't want to hurt the others, but he still did it because his end goal was always for the greater good, which I think he despised about himself because it reminded him of Grindelwald. That's my take on him anyway. I honestly could write an essay on him as a character.

EvilFuzzy9: Thank you! We'll see if you say the same thing after I'm done with this fic. [evil cackling]

American Principal Decisions v. Dumbledore Decisions:

Basilisk in the school: Principal (evacuate school immediately!), Dumbledore (teachers walk kids to classes!)

Mass murderer breaks in: Principal (cancel school, call in SWAT team!), Dumbledore (sleep-over in the cafeteria!)

Student nearly kills another student: Principal (expulsion, full criminal trial!), Dumbledore (detention (filing papers)!)

Need to hide valuables in school: Principal (combination lock!), Dumbledore (multiple obstacles that could result in death!)

- (I stole this off Tumblr)

1991

There were a lot of benefits that came with being Albus Dumbledore, and there was also a lot of drawbacks. On the plus side, being Albus Dumbledore meant he could do pretty much anything he pleased. Sure, he had to deal with the fact that only he knew the crimes he had done in the past, and he hated himself for it very much, but he kept busy, so busy he could almost forget that he hated himself. Being the headmaster at Hogwarts consumed most of his time, but since he did not have to teach anymore, he had a lot of freedom to wander around the school invisibly and get into other people's business without them knowing. He had eyes everywhere. Even though the vast majority of the students had never had a conversation with him, Albus actually knew a lot about his students, including the things they weren't supposed to be doing at all.

Hogwarts was endlessly entertaining, honestly. There were things that were annoying about it. There were always overbearing parents complaining about how he ran the school, and Filch was constantly trying to persuade Albus to let him hang detention students by the thumbs, but there were perks. One of those perks was actually keeping up with student relationship gossip. It amused him so much, and sometimes he was even given the opportunity to make the students uncomfortable.

It would be the same drill every time. Sometimes the teachers would find a pair of older students in a - compromising - situation, and they would break them up, take fifty points off each one's House, and drag them straight up to him. Snape was the one that reported the most students, maybe because it was usually Slytherins that got in trouble for that, or maybe because he was secretly envious, but no matter why. The other professors had no idea what Professor Dumbledore did to fix the problem from happening again, but whatever it was, it almost always worked.

But this time, it was Minerva McGonagall who was throwing the two students (both Slytherins, typical) in his office and slamming the door closed behind her angrily. It was show time.

With a serious expression, Albus surveyed the two seventh years over his half-moon spectacles. The girl was named Hannah Alcorn. She had dark brown hair and hazel eyes, and she was looking quite angry. Albus had spoken to her once before for trying to cheat on a Herbology exam in her first year. The boy was named Michael Perrin, and Albus had never spoken to him before. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. His expression was a bit angry, but nothing compared to Hannah's.

"She's lying!" burst out Hannah suddenly with no care in the world that she was being disrespectful. "McGonagall is lying! We were just talking, all right? She's angry at us because we're Slytherins, and we gave her a hard time yesterday for a laugh!"

Still looking grave, Albus set his hands on his desk and interlocked his fingers, and it looked like he was carefully thinking. "You were just talking?"

"Yes!" said Hannah loudly as Michael nodded.

"What were you talking about?" asked Albus.

There was an awkward pause before the two teenagers could come up with a lie.

"We were talking about what we were going to do this weekend," said Michael finally.

"Hm," Albus said, looking contemplative. "Yes. Talking. Of course you were. Professor McGonagall means well, but sometimes she exaggerates."

"Right," Miachel said, looking taken aback, looking surprised that his dolt of a headmaster was falling for it.

"Well," said Albus serenely, "as your headmaster, I am personally responsible for trying to prevent you both from getting into another - er - rigorous discussion about your weekend plans in an abandoned corner of the school. Now, if any professor does find you engaging in a serious discussion again, I will need to take action."

Both Hannah and Michael stared, looking uncomfortable.

Albus shook his head. "Unfortunately, a lot of teenagers do not know the repercussions of engaging in such intense discussions. Many do not really understand how these discussions work or how to deal with the consequences, and many have misconceptions that are completely incorrect. Therefore, I have to inform you, that if any professor ever finds you discussing your weekend with one another again in that manner, I am going to have to ask Professor Snape to have a - talk - with you."

The horror on Hannah and Michael's faces almost made Albus laugh, but he managed to keep a straight face.

"You think -" Michael stuttered with difficulty, "I - we weren't - McGonagall's lying! And we know how sex works; we aren't nine!"

"Well, this is a sudden change of topic. Why are you talking about sex?" said Albus calmly. "I thought you two were only discussing getting your Potions homework finished this weekend... However, now that you mention it, it probably would be a good idea to have Professor Snape talk to you about that as well, since that is where your minds are wandering."

Hannah looked pale and Michael started to shake his head.

"No," breathed Michael.

"Yes, I think so," continued Albus gravely. "You both probably don't know much about it."

"Yes, we do," Michael said immediately. "I mean, not from experience or anything, but we do."

"Really?" Albus said, looking dubious. "How much do you know, then?"

Michael looked at Hannah for help, but she was betraying him by simply looking at him blankly.

"Well," Michael began to uncomfortably tell his over one hundred-year-old headmaster whom he had never spoken to before, "it's when a man and a woman -"

"Not necessarily," Albus cut across him.

Michael's voice faded and died, looking very horror-struck.

Albus started rummaging through the papers on his desk, grabbed a blank one and a quill, and began to write gibberish. "No, you both clearly know nothing. I'm going to ask Professor Snape to talk to you about it..." He stopped writing and frowned, looking thoughtful. "Or, you know, I could talk to you about it. I was young once."

"No," pleaded Michael in pure terror as Hannah shook her head adamantly. "No, please, sir - we won't - we won't ever do that again -"

"That's not what I'm trying to tell you," said Albus impatiently. "Don't make promises you aren't going to keep. How gullible do you think I am? Either stop it or, more likely, merely don't get caught again. If you do, either I or Professor Snape will personally sit down with you both and have a very long talk with you. Control yourselves or find a better hiding location. You don't want me nor Professor Snape to have to talk with you, do you?"

They both shook their heads frantically.

"All right," said Albus brightly. "Well, have a good weekend, then. Good luck on your exams."

It took the students a minute before they remembered how to walk out the door. Albus watched them as they had a silent fight over who could get out the door first before he could change his mind and call them back.

When the door had closed, Phineas Nigellus said, "I used to just give them detention when I was headmaster, but you bring punishment to a whole new level, Dumbledore."

A/N: No really, I can see this happening. I mean, think about it. Dumbledore pretty much just lets things happen. He lets Snape be mean to the students, he lets Peeves stay at Hogwarts, he lets Harry and co. run around Hogwarts doing dangerous things, etc. He just steps back and watches all the mayhem unfold. It wouldn't be fitting of him to just assign detention. He'd rather amuse himself. Haha! That's my personal take anyway. In DH, JK Rowling writes that Harry and Ginny had been spending time together in abandoned corners of the school. Now, they weren't going all the way or anything, but I have to wonder what would've happened if Snape came out of thin air and took them to Dumbledore. Like what would he have done? Haha, I don't know, but it would've been awkward. Somebody write a fanfic, please.

But next chapter is serious.