Chapter 4

Catherine slid past him and turned back to face him. He was still holding the door open, with his back to her. What was going on with him? She watched him stand there for what felt like an eternity before he slowly closed the door, letting his hand linger on the closed door before he took a deep breath and turned to face her.

"Are you ok? Are you in danger?"

With these questions she felt a small shiver up her spine that ended with a lump in her throat. She looked at the man standing in front of her, she could see clearly now what she had suspected while looking through the window was correct. Something was weighing on him, big time. The word that kept coming to her mind was worn… He looked so tired, so sad, so worn… but despite whatever internal battle he was fighting his first instinct was to protect her. Above the dark shadows under his eyes were the same dark eyes that she saw when she first arrived in Montana with the unmistakable glint of worry.

"No, no… I'm fine, I'm ok. At ease sailor, no imminent threat." She tried to lighten the situation but clearly did not succeed.

"What are you doing here then Cath at…" he paused to stretch his head around to see the time on the clock near the tv, "it's after midnight." He sounded surprised. At his realization of the time he closed his eyes and brought his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah, you're right Steve, sorry. This was a mistake. I can… I'll just go, I can come back tomorrow." She fumbled in her pocket for her phone.

He quickly closed the gap between them and placed his hand over hers as she worked to pull the phone from her pocket.

"I'm sorry… that didn't come out right. You're not going anywhere tonight. Something is obviously up, what's going on Cath? Did Danny call you?" He took the duffle from her shoulder and led her over to the sofa.

"What? Danny? No, why would Danny call…" The question died on her lips as she realized, looking at Steve and taking in his appearance, that Danny would have of course been worried about his friend. If Steve assumed that Danny had called her that means that Danny had tried, and failed, to help Steve deal with whatever it was that was so obviously causing him so much pain. The image of Danny ranting about Steve's need to keep everything in and not let people help him jumped into her mind as clearly as if Danny were standing in front of her right now.

"No, Danny didn't call me, but I'm starting to wish he had. What is going on with you sailor? You don't look so good… when was the last time you slept?"

"I'm fine Cath, if Danny didn't call you then why are you here?" He clearly wasn't not interested in talking about whatever it was.

Was now the right time? Was coming here after being away for so long and dropping the bomb on him of her pregnancy and her plans to live in Hawaii full time really what he needed right now? Was that going to compound everything he was already dealing with? While this internal debate was playing out she could feel his eyes on her, feel him waiting for an answer. She could feel the panic rising in her gut and she felt the sudden need to bolt for the door.

"Catherine, you're thinking so loud over there that I'm afraid you'll wake the neighbors. Whatever brought you here must have been important. Talk to me, what's going on?"

"Ok, you're right. It is important, I'm just not sure where to start…" She turned to face him more directly on the sofa, drew in a deep breath and made up her mind.

"I resigned my position with the CIA." Steve's face flashed with what she thought was hope, replaced quickly with confusion.

"Cath, why? You loved that jo…"

"Steve, let me get through this ok? I promise everything will make sense, I just…. I need to get this out ok?"

He nodded and placed a reassuring hand on her knee.

"I resigned my position with the CIA two weeks ago, I got back here as soon as I could. I resigned because I couldn't do the job any more… I mean I could have physically done it I just couldn't do it knowing… what I mean is that… well… Steve I'm pregnant, it's yours and as soon as I found out I knew I needed to be here so that you could have the chance to be in your child's life."

She blurted out so much so quickly that when she looked at him and saw his blank stare she thought for a moment that she had said everything so fast that he didn't hear her.

"Steve?"

"… I ah, I heard… you're? And its mine? And you're back in Hawaii?"

"Yes." She moved her hand to cover his hand that rested on her knee. "I know this is a lot and I'm sorry to dump it on you all at once, and if you're upset or need some time… I can go. It's just… well… I just needed you to know, and I wanted to tell you in person, and I…"

"How far along are you? When are you… when's the due date? Are you… are you ok? Is the baby ok?"

"I'm 17 weeks, I found out when I was just about 15… I didn't know, I… we took precautions… I'm due August 2nd and the doctor says the baby and I are just fine."

He took in the answers to all the questions he had asked and just looked at her for what felt like an eternity and then, as if watching glass shatter slowly, she watched as his breath caught in his throat, he brought his free hand up to cover his eyes and he lost his battle against his emotions. Silently Catherine watched, feeling helpless, he slipped his hand out from underneath hers, brought it to meet his other hand, covered his entire face, leaned back against the sofa and began to cry.

She wasn't sure what to do… she had seen Steve upset before, when his dad died, when they found Freddie's body in North Korea and she had known exactly what he needed in those situations. Right now, in this moment, she felt helpless, guilty, and afraid.

Tentatively she scooted closer to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. She thought she had pictured every potential outcome of this conversation… she was wrong. She had never pictured this. Had this been too much? Had she been selfish to unburden herself on him when he was clearly dealing with so much already? The image of Danny lecturing her suddenly sprang to mind and she silently kicked herself for not waiting longer to lay this on him.

"Steve?"

He gathered himself, still behind the shield of his hands and slowly lowered them, wiping away the tears on his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I'm ok… it's just, it's a lot. I'm sorry, I'm… so sorry, you don't need this."

"Hey, it is ok… I just came here and told you something that could change your entire life, it's overwhelming, believe me, I get it. I've had some time to process it and it still feels like a lot to me. Do you want me to leave? I completely understand if you need some time to process…"

Her words were cut off as Steve leaned over and engulfed her completely in his arms, she could feel him trying to get his breathing under control as he pulled away from her slightly. He leaned back just far enough to reach her lips with his. She was caught off guard with this response as well and she could feel tears welling up in her eyes as he broke off the kiss.

He noticed too and gently wiped them away with his thumb.

"So you're not mad?" She managed through her sniffles.

"Mad? You thought I would be mad? Cath, I love you… I was going to ask you to marry me… why would I be mad?"

It's just that… you have a whole life Steve… a whole life that I'm not a part of any more… this will change all that."

He leaned in and kissed her again. "Yes, yes it will."