A/N: Sorry for the long wait, but here's the next chapter. Enjoy!
Chapter 3
The rest of the evening was uneventful in the Prentiss-Jareau household. Emily placed Penny in the living room to play while she dug out food to make for dinner. Declan and Henry remained out of sight upstairs and Ethan was still out. A couple of hours later Emily went upstairs to get the boys for dinner. She found them both in the teenager's room reading books.
"Hey guy's dinner's ready"
"I'm not hungry" the blonde teen proclaimed as he continued to read his book.
Henry was torn as he looked between his big brother and his brunette mother. Emily swallowed thickly as she smiled sadly at Henry.
"Would you like to eat up here in your room?" she asked the teenager
"We aren't allowed to eat in our rooms"
"I think I could make an exception this time"
Declan dropped his book on his chest as he looked up and purposefully rolled his eyes, "Just because you let me eat in my room doesn't mean it makes everything better."
"I never said it would Dec"
"Don't call me that" he told her in an angry tone.
Emily snapped her mouth shut before turning to look at the younger blonde in the room.
"Are you hungry Henry? I made chicken nuggets with mac'n' cheese"
"Ummmm"
Emily could see the war raging in the little boy's eyes, and mind, causing her heart to break a little more.
"It's fine if you want to go eat Henry, I'm just not hungry." Declan told his little brother.
"I'm not hungry either" the seven year old stated as he turned back to his book.
"Okay then" Emily replied, trying to hide her sadness, "It'll be downstairs if you guys change your mind"
Neither boy responded so Emily left the bedroom, doing her best to hide her tears as she felt one escape and slide down her cheek. She made it back downstairs and helped Penny into her highchair before placing the toddlers plate down in front of her. Then she got her own plate and sat down at the empty table.
She looked over at the blonde toddler and smiled faintly, "Looks like it's just you and me kid"
Penny giggled as she dug her plastic fork into the macaroni and cheese, flinging most of it into the air as she attempted to guide it into her mouth.
As Emily was cleaning up the kitchen, Penny was playing with her toys on the floor. A few moments later she heard the front door open and slam shut.
"JJ" she heard Ethan shout through the living room.
Emily turned and began walking that direction when Ethan came around the corner, stopping suddenly at the brunette woman's presence.
"Where's JJ?" he questioned suspiciously
"She'll be back in a few days"
"Why? What did you do?" he asked in an accusing tone.
"Ethan"
"NO" he shouted as he backed up, "You haven't wanted ANYTHING to do with us the last few months and now suddenly you're here and she's gone?"
"JJ will be back in a few days, I promise"
The young brunette shook his head, "Did she take Declan and Henry with her?"
"No, they're upstairs"
Ethan deflated at the news, "I want to go stay at Jack's"
Emily shook her head, "That's not going to happen, E, I'm sorry"
"NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU JUST WANT US TO BE MISERABLE! WELL CONGRATULATIONS YOU'VE SUCCEEDED" he shouted at her before he turned and ran through the living room and up the stairs.
The brunette woman cringed as she heard a bedroom door slam shut upstairs.
"Mama" Penny said nervously from the kitchen.
Emily took a deep breath before heading back that direction and trying her best to smile at the toddler, who looked slightly frightened.
"It's okay baby girl" she told the little blonde as she knelt down to scoop her up into her arms, "Let's go get a bath and then read a story" she said as she carried the toddler and headed for the stairs.
Meanwhile, across town, JJ was sitting on Garcia's couch sipping on a glass of wine.
"JJ I know Emily's been hiding and we all know that's because she's blames herself for what happened, and unfortunately, in typical Emily fashion she closed everyone out because it's what she thought was best for everyone else. She wanted to suffer alone."
"I know that Penelope, but it's not what was best for everyone. My family, my kids, are falling apart because she thought she was doing what was best for them, and me."
"I know that JJ but I can't believe the moment she came home you up and left."
JJ let out a frustrated sigh, "Garcia I was on the verge of a breakdown, the kids do nothing but fight with each other, and with me. I know they think Emily hates them but I honestly think Ethan and Declan also think that I hate them and I'm sure it's because they blame themselves as much as Emily because they are the product of Ian Doyle. And I don't Garcia…I could never hate them…I could never not love them…God they mean the world to me…They are my sons."
Garcia watched as her best friend let the tears fall. She could see the exhaustion and sadness in her friend's facial expressions and body language.
"We know that JJ, but have you tried telling those boys that?"
"Of course I have, but they won't listen. They barely let me get a word in before they tune me out or are slamming a door in my face."
"Oh JJ" Garcia said soothingly as she pulled her friend into an embrace, "It's going to all work itself out, you'll see"
"I shouldn't have left Emily there alone with them" the younger blonde began to cry, "But I just couldn't deal with it all right now. I didn't want to say something I would regret."
"Shhh mama bear, it's going to be alright, Emily can handle those baby bears."
JJ let out a light laugh at her friend before slowly pulling away from her, "Thanks for being my best friend Garcia"
"You are most welcome" Garcia replied before kissing her friend on the forehead.
Back at the Prentiss-Jareau house Emily was just coming out of Penny's room after getting her to sleep. The brunette looked down the hallway towards her boy's rooms and took a deep breath before heading in that direction. She stopped outside Ethan and Henry's room and knocked lightly.
"GO AWAY" Ethan shouted from the other side.
Emily ignored his shouts and opened the door, spotting the younger brunette lying on his bed. He turned towards her and glared.
"I said go away"
"I heard you but I have a right to check in on you and make sure you're okay"
"Why? You haven't cared for the last few months." The eleven year old pointed out.
"It's not that I didn't care Ethan, I just-"
"You just what? Wanted us to think you hated us? If I could go back and never be born I would. Then you and JJ and everyone wouldn't have anything to worry about."
Emily's heart broke at those words and she had no control over her feet moving quickly towards her son's bed. Ethan startled slightly as his mother was suddenly towering over him.
"Don't you ever talk like that again Ethan Prentiss. You are important and special to everyone around you, and without you in it this world would be a much dimmer place. You can be mad at me all you want, but I will not hear you talk about yourself that way, do you understand me?"
Ethan swallowed the lump in his throat as he stared up into his mother's angry eyes before he watched her turn and walk out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
Emily did everything she could to hold back the tears, once again, as she made her way a few more feet down the hall to Declan's room. She took another deep breath before stepping inside her teenager's open door. She found both boys reading again, but this time Declan was reading to Henry as they cuddled together on the bed.
"What?" the teen asked in a slightly annoyed voice.
"I just wanted to check in with you. There's left over's in the fridge downstairs if either of you get hungry."
Neither boy replied, but Emily could see the younger blonde struggling to keep himself quiet.
"Anyways, I'm going to shower and go to bed. I'll see you both in the morning." She told them before turning and exiting the room.
As she paused a moment just passed the doorway she heard Henry's voice, "She didn't tell us that she loved us Dec. Is she still mad at us?"
Emily fought back the sob that wanted to escape her as she hurried down the hallway to the master bedroom, shutting the door quickly behind her and trying to block out everything that had transpired since she set foot back inside her home hours ago.
Emily showered and changed into a pair of pajamas before sitting on the edge of her bed. She looked around the bedroom, noticing the different touches of JJ throughout the space. The brunette could feel her hand and leg starting to throb so she took a couple of Advil before lying down in the large king size bed. She noticed how empty it was without her blonde wife and held back a sob as she closed her eyes and fought back the internal pain she was feeling before finally succumbing to sleep.
A few hours later, after Henry and Declan had helped themselves to leftovers and gone to bed, Ethan opened his bedroom door and peered cautiously down the hallway, looking both directions. He knew Henry must have decided to sleep in Declan's room again since he wasn't in his own bed. The eleven year old brunette then carefully stepped out into the hallway and made his way quietly down the hall towards the master bedroom. As he passed his little sisters room he peered inside and saw the blonde toddler sleeping peacefully. Ethan smiled faintly at his baby sister before closing her door enough to just leave a crack open. When he made it to the master bedroom he stood outside the closed bedroom door for a moment, his breathing quickening as he leaned against the door gently. As his hand reached for the doorknob he paused, thinking back to a little over a month ago, when he was still attempting to get his brunette mother to see him. He closed his eyes as he flashed back to sitting outside her bedroom door at Rossi's and singing to her from the other side of the door. He thought for sure that would work at the time. His mom used to always sing to him to help him relax and feel better and it always made him feel safe. He just wanted his brunette mother to feel the same. Unfortunately, the singing didn't work, at least not that he was aware of because she had never opened the door that day or any day after that where he attempted the same thing. He knew Declan had sat outside her bedroom door just talking to her, even though she wasn't talking back to him, he knew it made his older brother feel better and he hoped it made Emily feel better also.
Ethan slid down the door, sitting with his back against the master bedroom door, his knees pulled up to his chest, as he leaned his head back resting it against the door as well. He swallowed the lump in his throat and fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. He took a deep breath and evened out his breathing before he began to sing softly.
Hard to find a way to get through
It's a tragedy
Pulling at me like the stars do
You're like gravity
Even if the wind blows
It makes it hard to believe
He paused a moment trying to compose himself and listen for any signs of life on the other side of the door. When he heard nothing on the other side of the door, he raised his voice a little more.
How you gonna love?
How you gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
And if you lost your way
I will keep you safe
We'll open up all the world inside
I see it come alive tonight
I will keep you safe
On the other side of the door Emily woke suddenly to what sounded like singing. She blinked a couple of times before slowly sitting up and looking around the bedroom. Once she remembered she was back at her house she let out a lingering breath before straining her ears at the sound that woke her. She recognized the voice immediately; the crisp, distinct sound of her eleven year old's voice. She smiled sadly as she remembered him singing the exact same song a little over a month ago in similar fashion. She remembered how he would come and sit outside her bedroom door at Rossi's and sing to her. The song he was currently singing was the first song he had sang to her at Rossi's. She knew he was doing it to try to comfort her, but it saddened her slightly because she knew she should be the one to comfort him, both, then and now. She closed her eyes as she continued to listen to her son's beautiful voice.
Doesn't even matter to you
To see what I can see
I'm crawling on the floor to reach you
I'm a wreck you see
When you're far from home now
Makes it hard to believe
So how you gonna love?
How you gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
And if you've lost your way
I will keep you safe
We'll open up all your world inside
Till you come alive tonight
I will keep you safe
Meanwhile, down the hall Declan woke up to Ethan's voice as well. He sat up, listening to his younger brother's voice slowly grow louder. Henry shifted in his sleep before opening his eyes and hearing his brunette brother's voice. He looked at Declan who was sitting up in bed with a small smile on his face. The blonde brother's looked at one another and Henry returned the smile.
We all fall down
We all feel down
Cause rainy days and summer highs
The more we pray the more we feel alive
How you gonna love?
How you gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
How you gonna love?
How you gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
Emily let the tears fall as she continued to listen to her son sing to her from the other side of the door. She hugged her knees to her chest as she sat up in bed. She knew that there was still hope for this family if her eleven year old was doing this. She knew he was still angry but the fact that he was singing to her, and he was singing this song, told her so much.
And if you've lost your way
I will keep you safe
We'll open up all your world inside
So you come alive tonight
I will keep you safe
I will keep you safe
I will keep you safe
Emily continued to listen as Ethan finished the song. She held her breath, wondering if he would open the door and come inside the bedroom. A part of her wanted him to, but the other part of her was scared that he actually would. She could feel the war raging within her, the part that missed hugging and cuddling her children so much, and then the other part that told her it was best to keep her distance both emotionally and physically, because if any of them were ever in danger again, she wouldn't hurt as much. But she also knew that deep down, that way of thinking was wrong, but she was still trying to fight those feelings. A few minutes later she heard her son get up and stand outside the door for a moment, before she heard him turn and try to quietly make his way back down the hallway to his bedroom.
The next morning came early as Emily got up to attend to Penny when she heard her down the hall. The brunette woman took the toddler downstairs to begin breakfast and keep the little girl from waking up her brothers.
About an hour later a sleepy Henry arrived in the kitchen, followed by Ethan. The boys sat next to each other but neither said a word. Emily looked at the two boys and felt her heart breaking at the distance that was clearly between them.
"Morning boys" she said to both of them as she placed a plate in front of each of them.
"Morning mama" Henry replied before yawning.
The brunette said nothing when Ethan never replied. Instead she went back into the kitchen to get both boys a glass of milk. When she turned back around she smiled slightly as she witnessed Ethan babbling to Penny before kissing her sweetly on the cheek.
As soon as the boys had finished their breakfast they both disappeared back upstairs to get dressed for the day. Emily knew she needed to broach the subject of school with them but she was afraid of the reaction she would receive. The boys had been back in school for two weeks and she knew both Ethan and Declan had received detentions already.
Around lunch time she still had not seen Declan come downstairs for food. She sighed out loud as she placed Penny in her play pen before heading upstairs to check on the blonde teenager. As she passed Henry and Ethan's room she saw Henry playing with some of his action figures, but the brunette boy was nowhere to be seen. She turned back around to look down the other end of the hallway towards the master bedroom. She saw that the door was open so she detoured back that direction. As she passed Penny's room she peeked inside just to make sure Ethan wasn't in there. After inspecting the toddlers room she continued down the hall to the master bedroom. As she slowly pushed the door open all the way she looked across the room and saw the doors to the small balcony open. Her heart clenched in her throat as she saw her eleven year old son sitting on the balcony railing, his feet dangling on the other side. Her first instinct was to shout his name, but she knew that could startle him and she didn't want to risk him falling. She slowly walked forward, across the room to the doors, the sound of her heart pounding in her ears. As she got to the doorway she paused, taking in her young son's demeanor. He didn't seem upset, but she couldn't be certain. She took a deep breath before speaking as softly and gently as possible.
"Ethan"
The eleven year old jumped slightly but was able to hold onto the railing without losing his balance. He swung his head around to see his brunette mother standing in the doorway, concern etched across her face. He rolled his eyes before he responded.
"I'm not going to jump if that's what you're afraid of."
Emily relaxed slightly, but she was still on edge, "Then what are you doing sitting on the railing like that?"
Ethan let out a long sigh before sounding exasperated as he replied, "Mom you don't want to know this but I've actually jumped off this balcony before on a dare. It's not that high, besides I've also sat on the roof of this house before, and that's way higher."
"You aren't easing my worry here E"
He let out a long sigh before swinging himself quickly around and jumping down onto the concrete balcony.
"Why do you suddenly care anyway? You haven't cared for the last couple of months and now all of the sudden you're here and JJ is gone so you think you can just magically become mom again?"
"Ethan I am your mom"
"Well you didn't act like it the last couple months. You acted like you wish none of us ever existed and guess what maybe we wish we never existed either, because then none of this ever would have happened."
"Ethan-"
"NO" the brunette shouted as he took a step back as Emily attempted to reach towards him.
"ITS NOT FAIR. WE ALL GOT HURT AND SOMETIMES I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I HAD DIED AND MAYBE IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I STILL DID."
"ETHAN TYLER I WON'T HAVE YOU TALK LIKE THAT" Emily shouted back, tears already streaming down her face.
"YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO" he shouted back as he dodged quickly around her and ran from the room.
She attempted to run after him but the shooting pain up her thigh and ribs caused her to come to an abrupt stop at the top of the stairs. She grabbed her chest with her right arm and watched as Ethan opened and slammed the front door. Tears streamed down her face as she watched her eleven year old ride away on his bike.
Henry peaked around the corner of his bedroom after hearing the shouts. He watched, frightened, as Ethan ran down the hall and down the stairs. He heard the front door slam shut and he watched Emily as she grabbed her chest and stood crying at the top of the stairs. Then he watched with wide eyes as Emily dropped to her knees before letting out a loud scream, the crying continuing as she hung her head.
The scream tore through Declan as he laid on his bed. He shot up and swung open his bedroom door looking down the hall. He saw Henry standing in the doorway of his bedroom and he could tell the young blonde was frightened. The blonde teenager ran towards him and stopped when he spotted Emily at the top of the stairs. His eyes widened as he saw her on her knees, head hung down, crying loudly.
"H why don't you go downstairs with Penny for awhile." He told the little blonde.
"But-"
"It's okay. Just go check on Penny, I'll take care of Mom."
Henry swallowed nervously before nodding and making his way slowly past Emily so he could get downstairs. As soon as he was down and around the corner into the living room with the toddler, Declan made his way slowly towards Emily.
The teen bit his lower lip as he reached towards his brunette mother cautiously. Before his hand was about to touch her upper back he spoke her name, his voice cracking in a slightly frightened tone.
"Mom"
Emily continued to cry, not acknowledging the teenagers presence. Declan swallowed nervously before kneeling carefully beside her.
"Mom, it's just me, Declan" he told her right before he let his left hand touch her back gently. He felt her tense slightly under his touch, but then relax immediately after.
The teen let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding as he began to rub gentle circles on his mother's back. His right hand then slowly moved towards Emily's hands which were covering her face. He carefully took her right hand in his, squeezing it gently. He felt her squeeze back as she tried to stop the tears. Declan moved his hand from her back to grip her gently around the shoulders before pulling her towards him in a side hug. Emily's head landed lightly on her son's left shoulder as she tried to catch her breath and stop the tears. She knew she should be the one comforting her kids, not the other way around. Not her sixteen year old comforting her. Thoughts raced through the brunette woman's head as she thought about what a terrible mother she was, listing everything she had ever done wrong. Declan felt her tense and he sensed that she was angry with herself for being vulnerable. He knew Emily better than she liked to admit.
"Mom it's okay. You're not a bad mother, you just didn't make very good choices lately, but I promise we still love you, no matter what we say or how we behave. It's been hard, I'm not going to lie. But sometimes we have to go through the worst to get to the best."
Emily had stopped crying by this time, her head still on the blonde teen's shoulder. Her breath hitched as he continued to speak to her gently.
"You taught me that" he told her before continuing, "You always told me that things can only get better after being worse. I think that situation applies here. We are all a bit broken right now, but we've been broken before and come out better because of it. We just have to learn to trust and believe in each other again."
They were both silent for a few minutes before Declan spoke again.
"I love you mom and I've missed you. I wish you would stop blaming yourself for what happened. We don't blame you. JJ doesn't blame you. So stop suffering in your own mind and let us in. I just want us to be a family again. I want you and Ethan to crack stupid, corny jokes together. And I want Henry to dress like Ethan again. I even want you and JJ to be all mushy and stuff like before. All the things that we took for granted before. I want it all back, mom. Please don't give up on us."
It was Declan's turn to let a few tears fall. Emily felt a stray tear land on her forehead and she pulled her head away from the teenagers shoulder to look him in the eyes. Emily pulled her right hand gently out of her sons before reaching up and cupping his cheek with that hand.
"Oh Dec" she said, the sadness evident in her dark eyes, "I am so sorry…for everything. I thought I was making the right decision, what was best for you guys. I was wrong and I will never forgive myself for that. I love you all so much and I never wanted what happened to you to ever happen to anyone I love and care about."
"That's too much of a burden mama. You can't live like that." The teen said in a cracked voice.
Emily's heart broke when he called her mama. He only ever did that when he was frightened or sad, which hadn't been often the last couple of years.
"Declan Michael Prentiss I love you so much and I am so glad, and proud, to call you my son. I am so very sorry that I let you down and I haven't been here when you needed me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you let me."
"I love you mom, I just want you to be the you from before, the mom from before. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. You're still a superhero to me." He told her, whispering the last part.
Emily let out a cracked cry as she turned to wrap her arms tightly around her teenage son, who in response wrapped his arms tightly around her. He buried his face in her neck returning to the frightened boy she had met all those years ago when he had first stolen her heart.
They stayed in that position for awhile, just holding onto one another, both relishing in the safety they felt. It had been too long since either of them had given or received hugs from one another and mother and son were taking advantage of the moment.
Finally, Declan pulled away, his eyes red, but a slight smile on his face as he looked at his brunette mother. He was still holding out hope that their family could be put back together again. After the hug he gained even more hope and that made him feel happy for the first time since everything had happened a few months ago.
Emily returned the slight smile as she wiped a stray tear from her son's face.
"I really am sorry Dec" she told him sincerely
He nodded, "I know"
She leaned forward to place a kiss on his forehead before leaning back and taking a look around the house.
"I'm also sorry you had to witness my breakdown just now. You shouldn't have to be the strong one. That's my job."
"You don't always have to be the strong one either mom."
Emily sighed as she looked at the teenager, "This is definitely not going to be an easy road."
"Nope" he agreed.
She stood up, the blonde teen following suit, noting the grimace on Emily's face as she reached for her thigh.
"You okay?" he questioned in a concerned tone.
She nodded, "Yeah, just going to take some ibuprofen and then I should probably go look for Ethan."
Declan sighed, "You know nobody's been able to figure out where he goes. JJ couldn't, I definitely couldn't. Hotch didn't know and if Jack does know, he's not giving up the hiding place. Even Morgan couldn't find it the other day."
Emily nodded, "So I've heard. But he was really upset and he has every right to be, but he can't keep disappearing like that without telling us where he is going. I know better than anyone that you can't run or hide from your problems."
"He's really angry mom. The only one he's even remotely nice to is Penny. He doesn't want anything to do with the rest of us."
"Dec I know things happened between the two of you. I don't know what it was, but I know both of you and I'm pretty sure that whatever happened is something you both regret, you just don't know how to apologize to each other."
Declan shrugged his shoulders, "It's dumb."
"It can't be that dumb if you are both still angry with one another."
The blonde teen sighed as she looked away from his mother.
"Look you don't have to tell me what happened unless you want to. And you definitely don't have to talk about it right now. But if you ever do want to discuss it, I'm here, okay."
Declan nodded but didn't reply.
"Do you mind keeping an eye on your brother and sister why I go look for your brother?"
Declan's head whipped back around to look at his brunette mother, "Are you supposed to be driving?"
"No" she shrugged, "But I'm not just going to leave him out there after what happened. I don't really have a choice."
"Maybe you should call Uncle Derek or Uncle Aaron."
Emily looked at her son and she could see the worry in his eyes so she relented to his request.
"Fine, I'll call Hotch, only because I think Jack has a better idea about Ethan than he's letting on"
Declan nodded before turning to head down the stairs to find Henry and Penny while he left Emily to call Hotch.
The brunette woman took a deep breath before turning and heading back down the hall toward the master bedroom. She sat down on the edge of the bed and reached for her cell phone that was still sitting on the nightstand. As she unlocked it she saw that she had no missed calls or texts. She felt the wave of sadness clench around her heart, knowing that she was hoping to at least see a text from JJ, even if it was just asking how the kids were doing. But she knew realistically that she had barely sent JJ any texts over the last couple of months, so she shouldn't be surprised by the lack of effort on the blonde's part anymore. She knew she had reached her breaking point and Emily didn't fault her for it. She debated internally for the next few minutes before opening a new message to send to her blonde wife.
I am so sorry for everything, especially the hurt I caused you and the kids by the way I've acted the last couple of months. I know how broken our family is and I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me for that. I only hope it's not too late to try and fix things for this family. I do love you…so much that it hurts. I only ever want to protect you and the kids to the best of my ability. This time I chose the wrong way to do that, and again, I am sorry.
Emily's finger hovered over the send button before she finally got the courage to hit the button. She let out a deep breath before then pressing the speed dial for Hotch. The team leader picked up after three rings.
"Prentiss? Is everything okay?" the dark haired leader asked with concern.
"Not really, Hotch, I've really screwed things up."
There was silence for a moment before her boss replied, "What do you need Emily?"
The brunette woman fought back the tears before relaying what had happened since returning home and ended the story with what had transpired this afternoon with Ethan.
"Jack and I will be over there in twenty minutes." He told her before hanging up the phone.
Emily sat on the bed for a little while longer before getting up and heading into the closet to find something more decent to wear on an outing to search for her son. She ditched her sweat pants and t-shirt for a pair of comfortable jeans and a light weight gray tank top. The summer heat was still unrelenting during the month of August. She opted for her black converse and slipped them on before exiting the closet and heading into the bathroom to run a brush through her hair and brush her teeth.
As she headed downstairs she heard a car pulling into the driveway. She looked down at her phone and noticed it had been nearly twenty minutes since she had spoken to Hotch, not realizing how long she must have sat on the bed once she hung up the phone. She went straight to the front door and opened it, waiting for her boss and his son to make their way up the path to the front porch. Once they were standing in front of her Emily smiled at Jack and noticed how he looked her over cautiously. Her heart clenched at the eleven year olds reaction and she fought back the tears as she realized just how many people she had hurt because of her actions the last couple of months.
"Hey guys" she finally said, her voice cracking more than she would have liked.
Hotch raised an eyebrow at the brunette agent as they made eye contact. The team leader could see the sadness swirling in her dark eyes and he sighed internally at how well some of them could bring themselves down.
"Emily" the dark haired man acknowledged.
The female agent then turned, ushering them inside, "Come on in, let's get out of this heat."
Hotch and his son followed her inside and were greeted by Declan, Penny, and Henry.
"Hi Uncle Aaron" Henry said as he waved and walked over to hug one of them men he considered an uncle.
"Hi Henry" the dark haired agent replied as he returned the hug.
"Unca" Penny said happily as she clapped her hands and reached out from Declan's arms towards the dark haired man.
"Hey there beautiful" Hotch said to her as he easily lifted the toddler into his arms allowing her to wrap her little arms around his neck and hug him tightly.
"You're the best at giving hugs Penny" he told the girl as he kissed her on the cheek.
"Well she'd be the only one in the family" Henry mumbled under his breath, earning an elbow to the shoulder from Declan.
Emily frowned before turning to the blonde teenager, "Hey Dec why don't you take them upstairs for awhile while I speak to Hotch and Jack."
"Sure" Declan replied as he scooped Penny back out of Hotch's arms and gave Henry a friendly shove towards the stairs.
"Why do I have to stay?" Jack asked as he looked up at his father.
The stern look he got from the dark haired man made the light haired brunette snap his mouth shut quickly.
"Why don't we go sit down on the couch." Emily suggested as she turned and moved towards the sofa in the large family room.
Jack sat down next to her, somewhat hesitantly, as his dad sat down on the other side of him.
Emily sighed out loud before biting her lower lip. Jack watched the brunette woman, the nervous ticks she always exhibited on prominent display. He knew Ethan was mad at her and he was too in a way. She wasn't his mom but she was a mother figure in his life and it hurt his feelings that she didn't want to see him the last couple of months, so he could imagine how angry and hurt Ethan was. But the young brunette also knew that this woman was trying to make an effort again or she wouldn't be at the house with them and she wouldn't have called him and his dad over for help. So he bit his lower lip in a similar manner to Emily before reaching over and taking her uninjured right hand in his and squeezing it gently. The female agent tensed slightly before turning to find brown eyes staring up at her a hesitant smile on the young boys face.
"Aunt Emily dad told me you're worried about Ethan and I know he's mad at you but you have to understand why."
Emily fought back the tears that wanted to fall yet again, "I know, Jack, and he has every right to be angry with me. I am angry with myself, but I'm trying to fix things, which I know won't be easy, but I'm trying to at least start. I don't want things to continue the way they are."
The two brunettes stared at one another, Jack weighing the truth in Emily's words. The female agent squeezed the young boy's hand again as she looked into his eyes.
"I'm sorry Jack. I'm sorry for the way I treated you the last couple of months. You didn't deserve it, none of you did and I don't know if I can ever apologize enough. I don't even know if I will ever be able to make it up to you. But know that you deserve better than the way I treated you and I promise I will never shut you out of my life again. I love you Jack, so very much, I love you like you were my own son and I just hope you can find it in your heart to one day forgive me."
This time Emily felt a few tears escape and run down her cheeks. As she looked at her son's best friend she could see his eyes tearing up before he launched himself into her arms, wrapping his arms around her neck and squeezing her tightly.
"I love you Aunt Emily and I just want you to be okay. I want my funny, loving, goofball aunt back." He told her sincerely as he continued to hold onto her.
Emily returned the hug, rubbing the young boy's back with her right hand as she rocked him gently back and forth. Hotch watched the interaction with a smile on his face. A few minutes later Jack pulled away from Emily and they released each other, both with the last of their tears running down their cheeks. The brunette woman reached up with her right hand and wiped away the few stray tears lingering on the young boy's cheek. Then she leaned forward and placed a kiss on his forehead.
Jack smiled at Emily and then bit his lower lip again, "You want to know where Ethan is don't you?"
The brunette woman nodded, "Yes, I do, and not just because he can't continue to run away like that, but because I am truly worried Jack. The things he said to me earlier, I really just need to make sure he's okay."
"He's not okay" Jack told her sadly as he looked down at the floor.
Emily swallowed thickly as her heart began to race, "Jack if you know where he is you have to tell me. I'm really worried that he's going to hurt himself."
Hotch's eyes widened slightly at the admission from the brunette agent. Emily looked up and met startled dark eyes and she nodded sadly. Hotch touched his son on the shoulder as she looked down at the eleven year old.
"Jack this is serious. If you know where Ethan is you need to tell us now."
Jack looked up at his dad and then over to Emily, "I didn't think he would do anything or I would have said something, I promise. He just said he wanted a place where he could be alone and no one would find him."
"Jack you aren't in trouble sweetie but I need to know where he's been going."
"There's two different places" the young brunette confessed as he looked up at Emily, "One is an old abandoned house off West Avenue-"
Emily and Hotch's eyes both grew wide at the location Jack just relayed to them.
"Is he crazy? That's a terrible side of town and it's miles from here. What was he thinking?"
Jack cringed slightly at Emily's angry and frightened tone of voice.
"Jack Thomas Hotchner you should have told us that is where he's been going. It's not safe for him to be wandering around that area on his own, especially not an abandoned house."
"He doesn't go there that often and when I went with him it was fine. There was barely anybody around, most of the houses on that street are abandoned."
"You went there with him?" Hotch questioned in an angry yet surprised tone.
"I didn't want him to go there by himself if it was dangerous. I would have said something earlier if I thought it was."
"That isn't a good reason, son, you know you aren't allowed past certain perimeters. We don't make those rules to be unfair, we make them to keep you guys safe." Hotch told his son sternly.
"I know. I'm sorry okay" he replied with a sigh.
"Okay wait" Emily said as she stood up from the couch before looking down at Jack, "You said there were two places he goes. Where is the other place?"
Jack sighed before answering, "The cliffs overlooking DC from the other side of this neighborhood."
Hotch crinkled his eyebrows in thought, "Jack we looked for Ethan around there before we didn't see him."
The eleven year old released another sigh, "That's because it's the cliffs not visible from the neighborhood road. It's the ones you have to hike through the shrub to."
"The area that has a fence around it with 'No Trespassing' signs?" Emily asked
Jack nodded as he looked at the floor.
"Those signs are there for a reason. Those rocks and cliffs aren't stable. Those rocks break away all the time, it's why the road below it was finally closed off." The brunette woman stated as she looked from the boy up to Hotch.
There was silence for a few minutes as different scenarios ran through Emily's head regarding her son. Then she sat back down next to Jack and lifted his chin gently with her finger so she could look into his brown eyes.
"Sweetie, I hate to ask you this but I feel like you would know more than any of the rest of us right now." Jack looked into Emily's worried eyes and he nodded for her to continue.
"Do you think that Ethan would ever try to hurt himself? The things that he said to me earlier, Jack, I'm worried about him and that's why I really need to find him."
"He's said things to me, but he never said anything about hurting himself…I mean he said sometimes that it would be better if he wasn't around, but I always told him that wasn't true. Then he would change the subject and talk about something else. But I know he was hurting a lot. I know he blames himself for what happened to all of you."
Jack hung his head before Emily gripped his hand, "Jack, please, what else did he say to you?"
The young brunette looked up into sad, dark eyes before responding, "He said you hated him because his father was Ian Doyle and that if he had never been born none of you would have been hurt. He said he wished you would have never had him and you'd probably be happier."
Emily's breath hitched and her heart broke. She squeezed Jack's hand a little tighter as she looked into her son's best friend's eyes, "I love Ethan more than life itself, Jack, and I have never once regretted having him or adopting Declan. I love all of my kids, including you, and my life is better because of each of you in it, okay?"
Jack nodded sadly as he stared at the brunette agent who was clearly upset.
"Now we are going to find Ethan and I am going to try my best to repair this relationship that I broke so badly." She said before kissing Jack once again on the forehead.
Emily and Hotch both stood up before Hotch looked at his son, "You stay here with Declan while Emily and I go look for Ethan."
"But-"
"No buts, son, you are staying here. Hopefully we will be back soon."
Jack sighed but nodded at his father's instructions. Hotch and Emily then turned to head towards the front door. As they opened the door to leave Emily turned and shouted up the stairs.
"DECLAN WE ARE GOING TO LOOK FOR ETHAN, JACK IS STAYING HERE WITH YOU. WE'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS WE CAN."
"OKAY" was shouted back from the blonde teenager.
With that answer Hotch and Emily left the house and climbed into Hotch's car in search of Ethan. They decided to search the cliffs at the other side of the neighborhood first, hoping that the eleven year old had chosen to stay closer to home rather than riding his bike across town. Hotch pulled off to the side of the road near the trees and rocks that overlooked part of the downtown area. He turned the ignition off and looked at Emily.
"Let's go find him" he said as he unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the driver side door, Emily following suit and exiting the passenger side. The stepped up onto the curb and walked under some trees, taking in the view of the downtown area.
"Well it is beautiful up here" stated Hotch
"Yeah"
Emily then turned to the right and started following a beaten path that was overgrown with shrubs and bushes but still clearly usable. She pushed branches out of the way as she continued down the narrow path until she came to a barbed wire fence with 'No Trespassing' signs hanging on the posts. Normally she would be able to hop over the barbed wire with no problems, but with some injuries still prominent she had to resort to carefully sneaking through some wire that had been stretched open where other people had clearly climbed through. She felt her ribs protest the bending and her thigh felt like it was on fire as she placed all her weight on one leg as she squeezed between the wire. She felt her shirt get caught on some of the barb and when she tugged she felt one of the barbs stab her in the back. She hissed lightly before pushing through the rest of the way and then stood up, releasing the breath that she had been holding. Hotch hopped over effortlessly and gave Emily a stern look before turning her around to look at her back. He saw the hole in the back of her tank top and the cut that was now marring her skin in the middle of her back, bleeding lightly.
"You've got a cut but it's not too bad" he told her as he walked back around to look at her face.
"I'm fine" she told him as she walked past him towards the rocks and cliffs that she knew were off limits.
She looked around as she walked through more bushes and trees, searching for any signs of her eleven year old son. She didn't want to call out to him and give him a chance to run, or even possibly startle him. She heard her boss's footsteps following behind her so she continued in the direction she thought would take her to the cliffs edges. About five minutes later she wasn't disappointed when the trees and brush stopped and opened to a large rocky area with a rock jutting out over the land and roadway below that had been closed off. Emily's breath hitched in her throat when she spotted the familiar brunette hair sitting on the edge of the rock, his feet dangling over the side. His bike was on the ground about 3 feet from her. She waged a war inside her head on whether she should say his name out loud or just walk up to him. Saying his name won out and she swallowed thickly before speaking his name, her voice cracking in worry.
"Ethan"
The eleven year old brunette startled slightly but held onto the edge as he swung his head around to find his mother walking towards him and Hotch standing a few feet behind her, the fear evident on his face.
"How did you find me?" the pre teen questioned, clearly upset.
"Ethan, please, I just want to talk to you." Emily told him gently as she held her hands up to him in surrender.
"I want to be alone, that's why I left. God why can't you just leave me alone?"
"Because E, I don't think that's what you really want and I definitely don't think it's what you need." She told him as she got closer.
The brunette pre teen suddenly jumped up, now standing on the edge of the cliff, tears streaming down his face.
"Jack told you where I was didn't he?"
"He is worried about you, E, we all are."
"You haven't been worried about me for the past two and half months. Why now?" he asked, not moving from the edge.
"Because I realized how selfish I was…how wrong I was…I thought I was doing what was best for you guys, but I know now how wrong that was…how wrong I was."
Ethan continued to let the tears stream down his face as he looked away from his mother to stare at the land below them. He closed his eyes as he felt the slight breeze blowing.
Emily's breath caught in her throat when Ethan turned his attention from her to look at the land below. She took a couple of steps closer before her preteen son spun his head back towards her, the movement making him lose his balance slightly. He caught himself before anything could happen but Emily felt her heart leap into her throat at the slight movement.
"Stay away from me" he told her
"Ethan, please come away from the edge"
The eleven year old didn't reply and didn't move from his position, so she continued to speak.
"Please, baby, you're scaring me" she begged him as she reached a hand out to him.
He turned his attention to her, looking into her eyes, before motioning towards the edge, "I thought about jumping several different times."
Emily's heart broke and she let the tears fall as the weight of everything came crashing down around her, yet again.
"Baby"
"I figured since you didn't want to talk to me, or see me, that you wouldn't miss me if I were dead…and that maybe it'd be better for everyone if I wasn't around anymore…Declan even told me it was my fault…but he also said you all would be better off without either of us and I think he was right."
"Ethan" Emily said sadly as she took another step forward.
"JJ hates me because I look like you, and you wouldn't talk to her or see her either even though she forced you to…I'm sure all she sees when she looks at me is disappointment coz I look like you and I have Doyle blood running through my veins…she probably wishes she never would have adopted me…so every time I've come here I sit on the edge or stand here like this and think of how easy it would be to jump…maybe everything would stop hurting then…but then I look down and I'm too much of a coward to do it. I can't do anything right."
"Ethan none of what you just said is true, baby, you are so important to so many people." The brunette woman told him as she took another cautious step towards him.
She looked behind him and could see that Hotch had snuck around to the other side and was slowly coming up behind the preteen but he was still too far away to reach Ethan if he lost his balance. Emily on the other hand was only a few feet away.
"It is though. Even when I don't mean to I screw up…I have a serial killer's blood running through me…yet I look like you…everyone is mad at me and I just…I want it to stop."
Ethan looked up at Emily again, brown eyes connecting with brown, the sadness and pain swimming in both sets of dark orbs.
"I want it to stop hurting mama" the preteen confessed sadly, "Please mama make it stop"
Emily took that chance and raced the last couple of feet forward, wrapping her arms around her son and pulling him back away from the edge. At first he didn't respond to the hug, he was crying hard and Emily's heart broke as she continued to cry as well. Hotch came up behind both of them, guiding them even further away from the edge of the cliff. Once they came to a stand still again Ethan finally wrapped his arms around his mother's waist and hung on before slowly collapsing to his knees, taking Emily with him. She bit back the pain she felt in her thigh as she landed hard on the rocky surface beneath her but she never let go of her son, she only held on tighter.
She began to rock them both back and forth as she continually whispered loud enough for both of them to hear, "I'm so sorry Ethan. I'm so sorry. I love you so much baby boy."
Hotch stepped away to give the mother and son some privacy but not before a few stray tears escaped his own eyes at the broken family before him.
After about ten minutes Hotch turned his attention back to Emily and Ethan. He saw the brunette boy resting on his mother's lap, their arms still tightly wrapped around each other, Emily still rocking them lightly back and forth. He watched as the female agent paused the rocking and let her hands move to the eleven year olds tear stained face. She cupped his face with both hands to the best of her ability, wiping the tears from the young boy's face the best she could. He watched as she leaned forward and began to place kisses all over his face before bringing him against her chest once again and hugging him tightly.
A few minutes later Hotch saw the two brunettes slowly get to their feet, pain evident across Emily's face as she struggled to stand. He watched Ethan take her hand and help her all the way up. The youngster then wrapped his arm around his mother's waist trying to get her to lean some of her weight on him. They walked a couple of steps before Hotch approached them.
"Need some assistance?"
"I'm fine, just need to walk it out a bit." The stubborn woman replied as she kept her arm slung around her sons shoulder.
The dark haired agent looked sternly at the female agent, "Emily"
Brown eyes rolled as she relented with a sigh, allowing Hotch to slip an arm around her waist, taking the weight off Ethan.
"How you doing little man?" the lead agent asked as he turned his attention to the eleven year old walking beside them.
Ethan shrugged his shoulders, "I'm still upset and angry at myself but I don't think that is going to change anytime soon"
The two dark haired adults exchanged a look before Emily spoke up.
"E have you been seeing a therapist?" she asked, knowing JJ had mentioned the kids seeing one.
"I see her, it doesn't mean I say anything. You'd know that if you talked to JJ."
Emily's breath hitched at his reply and both adults watched the youngster halt suddenly before turning around and looking at both of them. Ethan then turned his attention to his mother.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" tears forming in his eyes
Before he could say anything else Emily had let go of Hotch and stepped forward wrapping her arms around her son's shoulders and pulling him against her.
"It's okay. You don't have to apologize. You're right, I would know more if I had been talking to you guys, or listening more to JJ when she tried to talk to me. I'm sorry sweetie."
Ethan squeezed her slightly before letting go. Then he looked up into matching brown eyes, an inquisitive look etched across his face.
"Are YOU seeing a therapist?" he asked
Hotch let out a laugh at that before apologizing when two sets of dark eyes turned in his attention.
"No Ethan I haven't been, but I think it would be a good idea if I did. I also think it might be a good idea if we saw one as a family."
The eleven year old sighed dramatically, "But we don't even know her. Why do we have to tell someone about our private lives when she doesn't even know us."
"You are your mother's son" Hotch told the boy with a smile.
Emily limped slightly back to Hotch's vehicle in silence. Once they made it there Ethan spoke up again.
"I forgot my bike"
"I'll go back for it" Hotch said, handing Emily the keys to the car, before turning and walking back down the beaten path.
The female brunette opened the car and started the engine, allowing the cool air to flow through it before they attempted getting in.
"Ethan I really am sorry I've been such a jerk the last couple of months. I really am going to try my best to make it up to you. But I want you to know that no matter what, I never stopped loving you…or your brothers or sister…or JJ. I thought I had gotten better with letting people in, but clearly this incident has shown me that I still have a long way to go. I hate that the people I love the most in this world were hurt and tortured because of me. That is something I never wanted to happen. I don't think I could live with myself if one of you were to die because of me."
"Mama" Ethan said, his voice cracking as he took her hand and leaned against her, "I love you, please don't talk about dying."
A tear escaped the brunette woman's eyes as she looked down at an equally upset brunette boy.
"I didn't mean to scare you Ethan, but sometimes I do feel that way. And what you said earlier about not wanting to live anymore because you wanted it to stop hurting, and thinking the world would be better without you in it. That is not true. We all love you SO much and you have made a difference in so many lives. A good difference and this world would not be the same without you in it. There are so many people who love you. So many people who would be heartbroken if you were no longer in it. Don't you ever make me have to bury you before me. Parent's aren't supposed to bury their children, or outlive them. Do you understand me. I love you too much to ever have to go through that."
Brown eyes bored into younger matching brown eyes and Ethan swallowed thickly as he nodded, "I'm sorry mama. I promise. But you have to promise too. You have to promise to live as long as possible. You have to see me through high school and college and your grandkids."
"Whoa little man lets tone it back a little. Let's not get ahead of the game here."
Ethan giggled slightly as he wrapped his arms around his moms waist and hugged her tightly.
"You have to promise me you'll always try your best to come home to us." He said seriously.
"I promise" she replied as she bent over to kiss the top of his head, squeezing him back gently.
"I've missed your hugs" the young boy whispered as he let out a sigh.
"I've missed hugging on you and the rest of the family too"
Hotch came walking up with Ethan's bicycle at that moment, smiling at the tenderness being expressed between mother and son. That was the relationship he was used to seeing, not the broken one he witnessed earlier. He let out a thankful sigh, hoping this family would be able to overcome all of the obstacles that still lay ahead in mending the brokenness that had befallen them.
Once the three of them made it back to the Prentiss-Jareau household, they were bombarded by the other kids meeting them at the door. Jack didn't waste any time throwing his arms around his best friends neck, hugging him tightly.
"Don't be mad E, I was just scared, and Emily was super worried" the light haired brunette said as he hugged his friend.
"It's okay Jack, I'm not mad at you" Ethan told him as he hugged his friend back.
The two adults and the other kids looked from the scene in front of them to each other and couldn't stop the smiles forming on their faces.
Emily turned to Hotch, "You guys want to stay for awhile? Maybe have some dinner with us? I think Ethan would enjoy spending some more time with Jack, and I wouldn't mind some company either."
The dark haired agent raised his eyebrows as he looked questioningly at his friend. He could see that she was trying to fix things and he wasn't about to turn down that offer.
"Sure, it sounds good to me. What do you think Jack, you want to hang out here for a little longer?"
"Yep" he answered, his right arm still slung around Ethan's shoulders.
Hotch smiled as he turned back to Emily, "Well there you have it"
The female brunette smiled and nodded her head before turning to look at the children gathered around them.
"You guys up for some video game wars?" she asked
"WHAT?"
"REALLY?"
There were unanimous shocked and excited voices that echoed in answer to the question, causing Emily to laugh and Hotch to smile.
"Yeah, I know the rule is only 30 mins a day but I think we can make an exception today. Plus I can't participate in much due to my hand and leg, but I'll try my best."
"SWEET" Declan shouted first as he ran towards the couch in the living room, Penny still in his arms as he jumped onto the couch, holding his blonde sister tightly and causing her to laugh as they bounced onto the couch.
He was followed by two brunettes and another little blonde who found places to perch in front of the tv as well.
The two brunette adults followed their excited children at a slower rate into the living room, Emily taking a seat next to Declan on the couch, while Hotch took the large chair.
"Alright who's up first? Or do we need to draw for it?" Emily asked, looking around the room.
Declan smiled slightly as he looked at his mother, "I think Ethan and Jack should go first"
Emily raised her eyebrow slightly at her sixteen year old's answer, before turning to see the reaction of her eleven year old. She smiled at the look of shock on the young brunette's face as he registered what his older brother had said.
"Are you sure?" he questioned as he stared at the blonde teen
"Positive" Declan responded with a smile.
"Cool. Thanks D" Ethan replied with a large smile of his own before crawling forward and grabbing two controllers, handing one to Jack, as the two young brunettes settled into the bean bags and turned their focus to the screen in front of them.
Emily and Hotch made eye contact and the older man winked at the female agent in response to the boy's interactions.
A/N: That was a tough chapter for me to write. It's been finished for several months now but I was never completely happy with it, which is why this story has been on hold for so long. I have so many ideas but was never sure which route I wanted to go with the story line. But since this chapter has now been published there's no turning back. The next chapter is only partly done and still needs a lot of work, so don't expect it before the year is over. Sorry. I hope to have it up some time in January though, fingers crossed!