Ellana didn't usually sleep well before traveling; she could never quiet her mind. She would lay there running through her lists in her head: clothes, personal supplies, food, reports, and so on until she just gave up and got out of bed.
The moon was full and shone in through her balcony windows, creating a silvery sheen over everything in her room, with the exception of the warm orange glow coming from the embers in her fireplace. With a quick gesture of her hand, flames burst to life in the hearth again, causing her shadow to dance on the wall.
"Where to begin?" she sighed to herself.
She looked around her room and her eyes rested on the pile of supplies she had started packing last night. Her main pack was ready to go at all times since a mission could require her to leave with very little notice, but this trip was going to be a bit longer than most. She estimated it might take a full month, maybe more depending on what obstacles they faced on their way. Travel always carried some measure of danger, but these were not normal days. Inevitably they would come across an emergency, a rift, or red templars… oh, and venatori.
"Sneaky bastards," she thought, "They're crafty, I'll give them that."
Before she could let her mind wander further, she grabbed her list off her desk and moved over to her pile of supplies and started looking through each pack, making sure to note items that were still missing.
The sun peaked over the mountain tops and spilled into her room just as she was finishing up. This was her favorite time of the day. A couple of weeks back, while in Val Royeaux, she had ordered new stained glass windows for her room. They featured trees and plants in greens, reds, and yellows to mimic scenes from the areas that her clan typically roamed.
"I'll see them again soon enough," she reminded herself, smiling and stretching as she walked over to the stairs to go down for breakfast.
As she entered the hall she saw Dorian already seated at the table.
"Good morning my dear!" he greeted her.
"Good morning!" Ellana replied smiling.
"Are you all packed? It always takes me forever; I never know what I'll want to wear and, Maker knows, there won't be many shops able to fulfill my high standards along the way."
Ellana laughed, "I'm ready."
"How long has it been since you've been home?" Dorian asked as Ellana poured herself some more coffee.
"Four months. I left a week before the conclave began and haven't been back since."
"Well, I'm sure they'll be delighted to see you again, and I know you could use the break."
"I could."
The hall was starting to come to life now as the smell of breakfast was flowing through the air. Ellana and Dorian were in their normal spots at the end of the table. The spot at the head of the table between them was reserved for Iron Bull.
"I need the elbow room and the space for plates," he had said one evening. "You and Dorian don't eat as much as I do. Plus, it gives me a good view so I can watch the room."
"Well, you certainly do keep the kitchen staff busy, "Dorian replied, and smirked at Ellana.
"Hey! It takes a lot of fuel to keep all this muscle up. I don't hear you complaining when we go all night," Bull had said with a smile spreading on his lips, knowing it bothered Dorian when he shared details of their relationship aloud.
Ellana had spit out her mouthful of drink onto the floor as Dorian's face flushed red.
Since then that's were the three of them had sat. The others moved their seats around, not seeming to prefer a specific spot, but they would all gather together as the table filled. Cullen and Solas were the exceptions, opting to take meals at their desks; if they even remembered to take a meal.
"I know I'll be glad to visit civilization, well, as civilized as the south can manage," Dorian continued, wiping his mouth and adjusting his mustache with a quick twist between his fingers.
"Wait until you see how my clan lives," Ellana said grinning and then laughed. "I'll let you bunk in the arravel so you don't have to sleep on the ground or in a tree."
"How kind!"
"You know I'll take care of my best friend."
"Naturally."
"I don't know if your arravels can handle a night with Dorian and I," Bull said sitting down.
"Vishante kaffas!" Dorian exclaimed. "Must you insist on being so…"
"Me?" Bull asked. "You blush, but you love it."
Ellana shook her head and stood up.
"I'm going to see if Minowen is ready. Master Dennet insisted on preparing her himself. I'll see you outside within the hour so we can get to our first campsite before dark," she said turning and walking towards the rotunda.
Upon seeing her direction, Bull and Dorian shared a knowing glance.
"You know that's not going to end well," Bull told Dorian picking up some more sausage and taking a bite.
"Yes, but you can't tell her that. It's something she, unfortunately, needs to learn on her own," Dorian replied, his smile leaving his face. He cared deeply for his friend and wanted more than anything to spare her from the pain he could see coming, but he also knew her. In anything else, she would have readily heeded his advice, but in this, she was blind. "Aren't we all?" he thought to himself, looking over at Bull as he finished his 3rd plate of food.
Ellana took a deep breath before pushing through the door to the rotunda. "Don't push, don't pout, just say goodbye," she told herself and entered the room.
"Good morning vehnan," Solas said, not even needing to turn around to see who it was. He was very sensitive the magic the mark on her hand radiated and could often sense her before he even saw her.
Ellana melted every time he called her that; my heart. She then had to quickly repeat her goals in her mind, "Don't push, don't pout, just say goodbye."
"Good morning!" she replied, doing her best to sound cheery.
"Were you able to get any rest?" he asked turning to face her.
"No, but that's normal for me before I travel."
Ellana walked over to his desk, making sure to try and stand on the opposite side. She glanced at the many papers and tomes on his desk, trying her best to casually avoid eye contact with him. She could see the notes they had made together while studying the dreamcatcher her mother was to make for her.
"I hope it works," she said picking up the page of notes to glance over them.
"I believe it will."
"Things seldom "work" for us, you know that right?"
"Have some faith vehnan. I'm sure your mother would not have said she could if it wasn't so."
"You're right. I'm sorry. I am just ready for some real rest. It's bad enough I have to face these real nightmares when I'm awake, but having to face them when I sleep as well…"
Before she could object, he was standing in front of her and placed his hands on her shoulders. He then placed a finger under her chin and lifted her face to his. Their eyes met and she could feel her resolve breaking. She wanted to curl up into his arms and fall asleep there. She wanted to forget about the hole in the sky, about Corypheus, the templars, about everything and everyone.
He gave a slight grin, "Relief is just a few weeks away. Once you are stronger you'll be able to shape your own dreams with little effort."
"What about while I'm on the road? What if it gets too bad?"
"Just practice what we discussed. Before you lay down, calm your mind and assert your control, just as you would on the field of battle."
"Right…" she said with a slight nod.
They stood there for another moment and she thought he looked like he might embrace her when she heard a cough.
Ellana closed her eyes and dropped her head. There was always an audience in this damn room. Even if someone wasn't standing at the railing looking down, there was almost always someone in the library or rookery above.
"Dareth shiral, ma vhenan." Solas said as he squeezed her shoulders and turned back to his desk.
Ellana started walking towards Cullen's office and paused, turning back to see him shuffling his papers.
"Keep me posted on any progress you make in your research?" she asked.
"Ma nuvenin." he replied tilting his head to nod to her but never turning around.
Once outside the door Ellana took a moment to lean her back against the stone wall. She quickly glanced around to see if anyone was watching and took a deep breath to compose herself before heading to talk with Cullen. She closed her eyes and put her head back against the wall.
"Why does he hide his feelings away?" she asked herself. She understood wanting to be professional, but he took it to the extreme. But there was more to it than that; the sadness she saw in his eyes. She didn't have to possess any special skills to see it. Whatever it was, he was not going to easily let it go.
She opened her eyes, straightened up, and walked towards Cullen's office. She had no idea that Cullen had been watching.
Cullen wasn't trying to spy, but had been looking out his window just as she walked out of the rotunda onto the walkway to his office. He could see the pained look on her face as she glanced around, probably to see if anyone had noticed her. He almost looked away, not wanting to intrude on her private moment, but he found himself staring.
"Why does she do this to herself?" he wondered. "Why indeed," he huffed at himself noting that he was doing it to himself as well. How long had he longed to scoop her up in his arms and kiss her? Longer than he could really recall, although he was certain it was not long after having met her. "Admit it," he thought to himself, "it was as soon as you laid eyes on her."
The hours following the explosion at the conclave had been near chaos; but he had been through the massacre at the circle tower, and the rebellion in Kirkwall; he knew what to do.
"Rylan! Get your men ready, we are going up to do a search for survivors." Cullen shouted as he grabbed his sword and mantle.
It was the middle of the night. He had come back to Haven to ready his men for the next day's inspection, and to get a blessed break from the talks at the conclave. He didn't slept much due to his withdrawal symptoms.
"Andraste preserve me, would they ever lessen?" he asked himself each night.
Just as he had started to drift off into a hazy, exhausted sleep, he heard and felt something he knew all too well. It was a massive explosion, even stronger than when that apostate, Anders, blew up the chantry.
Cullen threw open the flap from his tent and was blinded by a green glow that was tearing across the sky. Been tendrils were arching down towards the ground. Aftershocks began to shake ground as debris started to fall around the camp area. Men and women were screaming and running for cover.
The next hour was a blur that found him shouting orders and leading his men up the mountain to the Temple of Sacred Ashes.
As they crested the top of the mountain, an area that used to welcome pilgrims to the sacred site, was now littered with burning bodies and rubble. Cullen froze for a moment, recalling the circle, Kirkwall… "how many times would he have to see such tragedy?" he thought to himself.
"Over here Sir!", Rylen called out. "A survivor!"
Cullen pulled himself back from his thoughts and ran over to where Rylen was standing over a small elven woman.
"The first scouts on the scene say she fell out of… out of…" Rylen was having a hard time repeating what they had told him.
"OUT WITH IT MAN!" Cullen shouted.
Rylen straightened up and said, "They say she fell out of the fade."
"What?!?"
"Thats's just what they said. They said there was a woman behind her as she fell. Andraste."
"Ugh!" Cullen exclaimed wiping his hand down his face in frustration. He'd have to talk with the scouts later to sift through this nonsense.
Cullen stooped down to get a better look at the woman when a green glow exploded from her left hand. At that same moment, the hole that had appeared in the sky pulsed and sent more debris flying. That's also when the first demons appeared.
It was an hour of fighting for their lives before reinforcements finally arrived, giving Cullen an opportunity to remove the sole survivor back to Haven. As he carried her down the trails, he noticed her hand would glow and pulse each time the breech in the sky did, and it was spreading…
At one point she even woke to cry out and mumbled something about "why?" and "grey".
"What did that even mean?" he thought to himself.
She was so small and frail in his arms. She was also very lovely. Even in the mayhem he could see that. Her pale features glowed in the night sky and her light hair flowed down in long waves. Her full red lips were slightly parted and almost begged to be kissed.
"What is wrong with you man!" he chastised himself and cursed under his breath.
Cullen was always so focused on his work he didn't take much notice of the women around him. Apparently it took an explosion to do that. Looking down at her again he could see that she had blood on her face and on her robes. Robes… she was a mage! He hadn't even noticed when he scooped her up in all of the chaos around him. He nearly dropped her right then as he stopped suddenly realizing he could be holding the very person responsible for the explosion.
"Another Anders!" he thought to himself almost sneering. "No! I won't do that again!" he told himself, shaking his head. "I will not judge her before I know for certain. Let Cassandra figure this out," and he continued down the mountain to Haven.
Cullen's thoughts of that night were interrupted by his door opening.
Ellana startled, clearly not expecting Cullen to be standing right near the door.
"How long have you been standing there?" she asked.
"Oh! Um, not long…" Cullen said as he turned and rubbed the back of his neck while walking briskly over to his desk and started shuffling papers around.
"Ok, um. So you didn't see me coming?" she asked following him over to his desk.
"Uh, NO! I mean, I.. I was lost in thought."
"Must have been pretty deep if you didn't see me coming."
"I was just thinking of, um, last minute details before we head out today."
Cullen's face was red again, she didn't understand why he always seemed so nervous around her — although, she had always suspected it had to do with her being a mage.
"Is there anything you need from me?" she asked moving over to his bookshelf to see if anything looked interesting enough to borrow. She was always looking for more to read, especially when she couldn't sleep.
"No, I think everything is settled and packed. I expect us to depart on time."
He looked up from his desk to see her standing on her toes looking at the books on his shelves. She was slight and slender, but still had curves that made him weak. Her hair was put up for traveling but some strands were already coming lose and swaying in the breeze coming from his room above.
"Maker!! Don't start thinking about your room!" he scolded himself and flushed as he felt himself stir below the belt.
"Do you mind?" she asked holding out a book, her back still to him (thank Andraste!).
"Er, help yourself if you see something worthwhile. I already have a whole trunk packed myself; they're good for nights I can't sleep." he replied, and having realized what he just said wiped his hand down his face and shook his head trying to think of something other than the weeks ahead in which they would be in such close proximity day in and day out.
"Hazards of the job I suppose. I have the same issue, but I guess you already know that, huh?"
"I am aware of your reasons for making the journey, aside from our task of gaining allies."
"I guess you know a lot more about me than I do about you." Ellana said pulling another book down and opening it to the end. "You probably even know why I opened the book to the last page," she laughed and closed the book.
"I'm not privy to that information, but I'm sure Leliana could tell me." Cullen said looking up to see Ellana walking over to his desk.
"It is scary how much she knows about everyone isn't it?"
"She is certainly good at her job."
"And thorough! I remember she once was able to give me details about various moles that a visitor to Skyhold had. Apparently they were the same shape as… well, it was interesting." Ellana said smiling, a giving a little giggle.
Cullen loved the sounds she made. They were always so melodic and pleasing… "STOP!" he shouted in his own head and cleared his throat.
"So why do you?" Cullen asked, trying to redirect his thoughts.
"Why do I what?"
"Open a book to the last page?"
"Oh! It's so I can see if it has a good ending."
"Doesn't that defeat the purpose of reading the book?"
"For some, maybe, but for me it's like a game; you get the final piece but you don't know how it fits until the very end."
"Hmm, I'll have to try that sometime." Cullen said smiling.
"Well, I guess I'll see you in the courtyard in a few then?" Ellana asked tucking the second book under her arm.
"Yes, in a few." Cullen replied and rubbed the back of his neck.
Ellana closed the door behind her and Cullen let out a long sigh. He hadn't realized that he had been holding his breath.