Disclaimer: see prologue
Guide: "Talk", Thoughts, ~letters and other written stuff~
Warning: adult language, cliffhanger
Beta: Makoto Sagara
AN: Sorry for the wait. Originally I wanted to finish about two to three chapters for Altair between the two university terms, but I got an idea for an one-shot, so most of my time is spent working on this new project instead. It should be finished soon and is called "Dragon Pox". Therefore, this chapter is a bit short, but better than nothing.
-~-~- Altair -~-~-
-~-~-by Still waters are deep-~-~-
-~-~- chapter 16 – The way of kisses I -~-~-
During Transfiguration—the only class Harry had which Draco did not take—Harry decided that he needed to speak with someone about his fears of what would happen this upcoming Saturday. It was not like he was afraid that Draco would hurt him. On the contrary, he was sure that Draco would give his best to make the experience as enjoyable as possible. But, Harry was still very nervous and also a bit embarrassed. The news that the cleaning charm could only be cast on oneself wandlessly hadn't help to reduce his embarrassment at all.
Therefore, Harry decided that he needed someone to talk to. Ron was, for obvious reasons, out of the question. The twins, with whom he had already shared some of his personal thoughts over the last years, were not in the castle with him now and Harry did not want to discuss this topic through letters. That left him with his two closest female friends—Hermione and Ginny. But since Ginny would only turn seventeen over the summer, his only option left was Hermione.
"Hermione," Harry asked his friend after McGonagall had finished the day's lesson, "can we talk?"
"Of course, Harry," was her immediate answer. "What do you want to talk about?"
"It's personal, so could we talk somewhere private? Your room maybe?" Harry asked her. He did not want to talk about his insecurities while they walked up towards the Gryffindor tower and he also did not want Draco to hear what he was discussing. So, Hermione and Blaise's room was the best option for privacy.
"Oh, ehm," Hermione began before she called out, "Blaise? Could you please come up to our room to invite Harry in?" Hermione knew that Blaise had wanted to go to the library with Draco so that they could work on the Runes assignment they received that day.
"Of course, everything you say, Head Girl" was his answer and Hermione hoped that Blaise would tire of his stupid joke soon, very soon. Otherwise, she might have to come up with ways to shut him up. Maybe being bound to the bed for an afternoon will do the trick? She contemplated.
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"Please come in, Harry," Hermione said to him, when Harry was standing before Room Three. Harry was curious to know how a normal Altair room would look like. According to Snape's description, it should have two rooms – a bedroom with some desks to do school work and a room especially designed for the needs the Altair classes the inhabitants attended required.
"You heard the Head Girl, feel free to come in and stay as long as you want to," was Blaise way of giving entrance to Room Three to Harry.
As soon as Harry had entered the room, Blaise announced, "I'm off to the library." He was a bit in a hurry. He didn't mind going down to the dungeon from the Transfiguration classroom to allow Harry entrance to the room, instead of walking directly from there to the library. But, Draco had had a free period and would be already waiting for the black-haired boy to finally show up. The blond hated it if someone made him wait for no good reason. Blaise just hoped that helping Harry would be a good enough excuse for Draco. The blond seemed to like Harry well enough, so it only made sense that he would not be mad with Blaise for being ten minutes late.
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As Hermione and Blaise's room did not have an extra sitting room, the both of them had settled down on the big four-poster bed in the bedroom. To Harry's surprise, their Altair room had only a long desk for brewing potions. But from Hermione's own surprised look, Harry had gathered that the room normally looked different. Most likely the room had other special tools for Warding or Enchanting, but as with his own Ritual Magic room, the room tried to protect its secrets.
"So," Hermione began, "what did you want to talk about?"
"Ehm...Yeah... " Harry began, not knowing how to best voice his worries. "...it's about our Sexual Magic classes," Harry finally said.
"I guessed as much. So, where's the problem? I'll try to help you the best I can. But with the spell in place, I don't know how much I'm able to say. Though, being inside the Altair rooms should enable us to talk a bit more freely."
"It's not really class related," Harry admitted to her. "It's more like I am afraid of sleeping-with-Draco-for-the-first-time," he rushed out. Hermione needed some moments to figure out what her friend had said.
"Oh, Harry. It's normal to be afraid. Most of us are nervous about our first time," Hermione tried to reassure her friend. "Well, your situation is a bit different than a normal couple's since you have a past to overcome, but I am sure that Draco will give his best to not let the past linger between you two. We've all grown up during the last year or so, especially him."
"It's not Draco I'm afraid of. Really, he's been very supportive so far. It's more like what happens if I fuck up. Both of the people must know what they're doing for no one to get hurt," Harry told her. "And then, we were told today that the spells can only be cast wandlessly. I'm nervous enough as it is, I don't need to be totally embarrassed on top of it," he added.
"Oh, ehm … I haven't seen it that way yet. But, of course, for you two it is necessary to cast them," she answered him. Hermione had asked the question earlier today only for academic reasons. She had not thought about male pairings would need the charm on a routine basis.
"Hhmm, maybe you could cast the charms in advance?" she suggested after having thought about it for a little while. "That way, you'd only feel awkward at the beginning and can then forget all about it while you are kissing. I mean, if you only cast them right before, then it will ruin the moment you have worked up and you would have to start all over again."
"What do you mean with ruining the moment?" Harry asked her, bewildered. "We will just do it and be done with it."
"Oh, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, shocked. "How can you say something like this? Don't tell me you see Sexual Magic only as a task which you have to fulfil?"
"Ehm, yes?" he answered unsure. "We're only partners for the Altair classes, after all. It's not like we're boyfriends, who hold hands and kiss and make out or something."
"That may be true. But, Harry, have you never imagined how it must feel like to Draco? If it's only about business for you, then he will most likely begin to feel like you don't care about him at all. Even if you're not together, you should at least try to make your partner feel important and cared for. Otherwise, he may start to feel like he is nothing more than a whore with whom you sleep with and then throw aside." Hermione knew that the whore comment was a bit exaggerated, but she feared that only harsh and brutal words would get through to her friend. Growing up with the Dursleys and then having had a madman after him hadn't done him any good with understanding how a normal relationship should be like.
The whore comment made Harry realised that he might have to rethink his current opinion about Sexual Magic. He had not thought that without kisses or some caresses involved that Draco might felt like he was being used, like he is nothing better than a prostitute. "Or to quote Ron, he would feel like 'it was only a pretext for people like Snape to get sex because they wouldn't be able to find an agreeable woman otherwise,'" Harry said out loud.
"Exactly. So, maybe instead of overthinking the whole event, you should just concentrate on getting more comfortable with Draco and try to show him that even if the two of you aren't a couple that you still care about him. That he and his feelings are important for you. That you care."
I really felt more relaxed when Draco teased me during the hand jobs, he thought offhandedly. And not to forget that Draco was the one who proposed that we cuddle on the couch while reading while I only suggested the hand jobs. Compared to me, he at least made an effort to let me feel like there is something else than the sexual stuff between us. I really am bad when it comes to that kind of stuff, he thought with a sigh, before his thoughts were interrupted when his friend spoke again.
"So, Harry, don't think, just feel," Hermione advised him, after she had given him a few moments to think about her previous words. "The rest will come to you. And as long as you let yourself be lost in the moment and the feelings, everything will turn out right."
"I hope so. And thank you for opening my eyes, Hermione," he told her and gave a her a huge hug in thanks. "What would I do without you?"
"You most likely would be sharing a room with Ron and have to listen to one of his rants on how Sexual Magic is a devilish thing."
Harry only groaned in answer, before the both of them started laughing.
He groaned once more when Hermione suggested that they should better start on their Transfiguration essay, especially since Harry's weekend was already full enough as it was with Quidditch try-outs and other Sexual Magic things Hermione didn't want to ask Harry about in detail.
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Harry had hardly been able to concentrate on his homework, as his thoughts had been centred around how Draco might feel about Harry's lack of personal contact so far. He really hoped that the blond did not feel like a harlot as he feared. Even Hermione had not been able to completely take away his worries, but at least her suggestion to openly speak with Draco about this had given him some calm. "You're an Altair pair. You should be able to talk about those things openly with each other," his friend had said.
Now, Harry was waiting for Draco to finally arrive from his Head Boy rounds, which this year he took together with Hermione. Harry still remembered Hermione's smiling face, when after dinner she and Draco had met in the common room and Blaise had started complaining that he has to take his rounds with Parkinson. The girl obviously was not happy that she had to do her prefect rounds with Blaise instead of Draco like before.
Hermione thought that this was the perfect opportunity to get back at him for his stupid jokes. "Maybe you should have tried harder to become the Head Boy, Blaise? Then you may have gotten the chance to receive a blow job from the Head Girl while walking up to the Astronomy tower?" she teased him. "But then, I prefer snobbish blonds over bratty brunets anyway," she said with a shrug before turning around and dragging Draco with her towards the exit. "Have fun with Parkinson," she called back in an overly-joyous tone over her shoulder when she was nearly out of the room.
Harry had decided to use the time the three were busy to figure out how he could approach Draco with his newest worry. As nice as it was that Hermione had been able to solve his problem with the cleaning charm, he did not know what to do about the new one Hermione's use of the whore metaphor had created.
When I had applied for the Altair electives, I thought that the whole thing would be regarded as a simple school assignment by both parties. Nothing personal. And now Hermione tells me that it is to be personal—feelings involved and all. God damn it, why can't my life be easy for once? Harry asked himself. He had already realised that Hermione was right. It was hard to accept the change of perspective though. Especially since he had not expected to behave like boyfriends with his Altair partner who once had been his school yard rival.
It will be hard to accept to behave like the two of us are boyfriends. At the thought, Harry's face turned red. Over the last days I've only just gotten halfway comfortable with the knowledge that I will have sex with Draco. And now, I also have to get used to kissing and cuddling and in general behaving all lovey-dovey with him? He asked himself, not knowing what to do about it.
It's not like Draco isn't attractive, Harry had to admit to himself. Far from it actually, but still he certainly would not have been my first choice when it came to boyfriends. But it seems like the best way to ensure that Draco doesn't feel like a whore would be to treat him as if he actually were my boyfriend. At least inside our rooms. I don't think that he would be thrilled if I started to holds hands with him and all that rubbish girls like to demand from their boyfriends.
Though, kissing seems to be a necessity if Hermione is to be believed. Though, how one can be so intimate with someone else while they aren't together is a riddle to me. If you're close, you're either friends or boyfriends, but as friends do not sleep with each other, how can one regard their partner as anything but their boyfriend/girlfriend? Women and their beliefs are hard to understand sometimes, Harry thought with a smile. I just hope that kissing Draco will be better than kissing Cho. I can do without someone crying while kissing.
Maybe I should think about a pet name for him? He wondered to distract himself from thoughts of kissing the blond. Isn't this what boyfriends are supposed to do? Nothing as bad as Draky-poo as Blaise said Parkinson liked to call him. Maybe simply Dray? Or better yet Ray? It at least would fit his hair, which always seems to shine in the sunlight.
Or in the moonlight, Harry added as he saw Draco walking into their living room and the few rays of the waxing moon were reflected by Draco's hair and made it look even paler than usual.
TBC...
~-~-~-~-~-~-Altair-a life changing event-~-~-~-~-~-~-
AN: Sorry for the cliffhanger. But I wanted to get this chapter out.
Next: "The way of kisses II". Now with some actual kissing in it. Expect it to turn out to be too short, in this case the next chapter will be called "The way of massages" instead. Expect an update in middle/late October as right now I want to finish my one-shot Dragon Pox.