Christmas morning wasn't as it used to be. Taylor was all grown up and got up whenever. Usually Joss liked that but not today, this morning she was wide awake at five in the morning and had a hankering to open some presents to cheer up. Really she hadn't slept much; couldn't when all she could think about is the kiss that she shared with John last night. And that Finch was telling him everything that he needed to know about himself minus a few things that she knew of that John hadn't shared with anyone else except her.
Joss sat curled up on her couch, coffee in hand, and eyed her Christmas tree. There were about fifteen or so presents under the tree. Most of them were for Taylor. But there was one that she didn't remember seeing when they had put the presents under the tree yesterday morning. It caught her eye over twenty minutes ago because it didn't match the rest of the wrapping paper and she hadn't been able to stop staring at it. Cursing herself for being ridiculous she set her coffee down, tugging the edges of her sweater together and folding her arms over her chest, she stood and padded over to the gift in question.
Moving cautiously she bent and picked it up to see first who it was addressed too and found, unsurprisingly, it was unaddressed. She'd have to wait until her son got up to find out if it was from a friend for him or not but she didn't think so. Taylor exchanged gifts with his friends a week earlier than Christmas because he was going to be busy with her, his dad, and his new girlfriend. But what if it was for her, say from a lover who just remembered her? God she prayed so.
Joss carried the gift to her couch as she sat back down, curling her legs under her and held it in her hands. "Opening gifts without me." She looked up and saw Taylor coming down the stairs with a sleepy smile. She smiled back and felt proud and a pinch of sadness at how grown up her boy was. Joss missed when he was her little man all ecstatic Santa had come.
"Debating about it," she answered honestly. She held the gift out for his inspection as he approached to drop a kiss on her cheek which she happily reciprocated. "I think it's from John."
Taylor disappeared into the kitchen for several minutes before returning with a mug of coffee in hand and sat on the couch beside her. "That's because it is; he gave me it the day before he ended up in the hospital in critical condition to hold onto it for you until Christmas morning. I waited until you went to lie down for the night last night to bring it out because I didn't want to upset you."
Joss stared at her son then to the present as the implication sunk in. "John truly believed that he wasn't going to make it out of the takedown alive," she said, more to herself than to her son. Pure white hot rage boiled up in her. How dare he think she'd accept his gift in place of him?
"I think he wanted you to know how much you meant to him if the worse came to pass," Taylor acknowledged, seeing the anger in his mom's eyes and felt the need to defend John.
Joss sat forward and set the gift on the coffee table not ready to know what the contents were. "Let's open gifts since your up," she suggested as she stood.
Taylor went first as he ripped open into his gifts at lightning speed. He loved his video games, athletic apparel, and the weightlifting classes that she got him. She went next; loving the blouses, perfume, and gift-cards to various restaurants she enjoyed. Wrapping paper littered the floor before them and their gifts on the coffee table surrounding the lone gift left unopened. Both their gazes landed meaningfully onto the present.
"I've been wondering what John got you since the day he gave it to me to hold onto it," Taylor admitted. She forced herself forward to pick it up. Joss tore into the wrapping paper slowly which made Taylor wiggle with impatience. Her breath lodged in her throat when she saw the black velvet case. "Looks like jewelry," he added.
"Yea," she managed to push out of her mouth. Slowly she opened the case and was greeted with the most beautiful and clearest cut diamond ring she ever seen in her life. It was thin band in white gold with a diamond halo to highlight the beautiful clear diamond in the middle.
Taylor's eyes widened like saucers. "Holy shit, John was going to propose!" he exclaimed. With her heart in her throat she couldn't even reprimand her son for cussing on Christmas morning because she felt like she was choking on her emotions. Carefully she removed the gorgeous ring from the case, with trembling fingers, and turned it to see if John had it inscribed and he had. She couldn't make out the words because her vision blurred as tears welled up. "Want me to read it?" Taylor offered quietly. She simply nodded and handed it to him. Taylor turned it to read the small wording. "It reads: I'm always with you."
Joss stood from the couch as a small choked sob escaped her throat and she instantly began trying to compose herself hating to cry in front of her kid. All the anger she felt over the fact that John had given her son a gift to hold onto to give to her just in case something horrible happened to him was erased. Gone because the ring wasn't an attempt at replacing his self but rather an attempt at showing her how much he loved her even should he take his last breath of life. Marriage wasn't something either of them ever even contemplated but the fact that John loved her to the point of wanting everyone to know he was hers and she was his, meant a lot. It meant a damned lot because she knew he never once thought of marriage before her.
Taylor climbed to his feet and held out the ring to her. "If he asked you, what would you say?"
She took the gorgeous ring gingerly before slipping it onto her ring finger noting that it fit perfectly. She couldn't even begin to fathom how he knew her ring size. Without removing her gaze off the sparkling ring on her finger she whispered, "I'd say 'yes,'" because Joss was afraid to speak any louder or her son would know how close she was to losing the tight grasp on her emotions.
The knock on the door startled them both. "I'll go see who it is," Taylor offered as he turned and strode for the door. Joss heard some murmuring before the door closed, and her son called for her.
Joss eyed her ring before moving for the foyer and her breath caught in her throat as John stood inside, with exhausted eyes. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his long wool coat that was buttoned up tight to ward off the chilly December air. He looked cold as though he had walked the streets of New York before showing up, and she had tempting ideas at how to warm him up none of which including hot chocolate or coffee.
"Well, I'll let you two chat since I have some video games I need to install." Taylor said, breaking the silence, and beat a hasty retreat to go grab his new games and then ran up the stairs. No way was he being a third wheel on that conversation. Hopefully, John would be staying for Christmas dinner with some more memories.
She wasn't prepared to see him so quickly after receiving his gift. "Doesn't look like you slept," she commented softly.
"I didn't. Harold spent all night telling me about myself," John said lowly. The disappointment was plain to see on her face. She knew without him needing to say a word that he didn't remember anything more. It unnerved and comforted him at the same time to have someone know him so well. Made him want to remember even more because he wanted to know why she loved him as much as she did. From what he understood from Finch he had struggled with who he was and had done for the CIA. Harold had asked to reconvene later this afternoon because he needed rest. John needed some too but he couldn't without seeing Joss first. "Some of the things he told me sounded familiar but nothing Harold said brought forth any of my missing memories," he acknowledged, removing his hands from his coat's pockets to run one through his hair. He felt as though he had let her down.
She nodded sadly. The hope that John would miraculously begin to remember after Harold told him everything was fading quickly. She had to come to terms with the very real possibility that John might never remember his past, her, or their love they shared.
Joss stared at him with the engagement ring heavy on her hand. She knew he loved her. To him, right now, it was new and he wasn't sure what the feelings he felt were but she did. "It's okay John; even if you never remember your past or me I'm just going to make you fall in love with me all over again," she murmured as a smile found its way on her lips. "I want you to stay and we'll talk over some coffee and Christmas cookies."
John watched as she approached him; he hadn't moved from his position in front of her closed front door, and reached out to undo the buttons and slide his wool coat off his shoulders. She smelled of a scent that seemed familiar to him.
She kept their gazes locked, seeing the way heat leapt in his eyes. His coat fell to the floor, with only the sound of the buttons hitting the hardwood making any sound aside from their own pounding hearts. "Didn't even go home to change," she commented on the fact that he was in his black Hugo Boss suit but it was clearly wrinkled from spending all last evening and night in it. Joss pushed his suit blazer off his shoulders and it fell unwanted with the coat itself. Her hands came to rest on his strong hips as she stepped closer to him with her chin tipped upward and felt the magnetic pull between them ever present.
"Joss," he breathed her name like a prayer before he swallowed hard. "I want to remember you and how I felt about you. Help me remember," he pleaded. It was unfair to ask her to fix him but damn it he knew she could. Somehow he knew she saved him before.
She felt his anguish, heard his urgency, and knew his anger because she experienced them all herself. "I want you to remember John, I want to help you but I don't know how."
"You changed me, now fix me," he whispered in anguish and she sucked in a ragged breath as he bent his head and kissed her. John groaned at how unbelievably soft her lips were. Cupping her cheeks in his cold hands he desperately urged her lips to part and pressed his tongue into her warm waiting mouth. Physical desire warred with his emotional distress. His head began to pound as he willed himself to remember something.
Joss moaned as she kissed him back hungrily as her body eagerly pressed against his, liking that he had no escape as he leaned against the door, and willingly let himself be consumed by their fervor. He could only feel and experience. Her hands slid from his hips up his chest coming to a rest on his strong shoulders as she fisted her hands into his white dress shirt and kissed him with mounting need. He broke away only to tilt his head to the side and kissed her deeply and she pressed harder against him feeling what their kiss was doing to him physically against her belly. Joss loved the height advantage he had; it always made her feel small and feminine around him. She hadn't donned a bra since she was still in her jammies and only a sweater to cover up. Her chest pressed against him and her nipples hardened as she could feel the strong wall of muscle through even their clothes.
She had to pull back or risk passing out from lack of oxygen, as she did she sucked his lower lip between her lips and finally pulled away. After a ragged second of sucking in a deep breath she moved to kiss him again but he stopped her.
Joss looked up and ignored the sexual haze that was settling on her because she saw desire in his eyes but something else floated in his blue depths too. "You remembered something." she said rather than asked.
He ran his thumbs lightly up and down on her cheeks and shivered a little as he caught a glimpse of his life before. It was a broken fragment. "Something," he agreed tentatively.
Joss pushed back reluctantly and grabbed his hands tugging him towards the living room. "Let's sit and you can tell me about it so I can maybe help fill in the blanks," she offered. John nodded and followed her into the living room to her couch neither pausing to pick up his forgotten jackets. They sat down quietly on her couch as she reached a hand up into his hair. "What did you remember?" she asked when he hadn't said a word. Joss stroked her fingers at the nape of his neck.
He looked away. "It was just the two of us and we were," he paused as he closed his eyes, conjuring up the broken fragment of his memory. "…in a morgue?" he said questioningly but judging by the way her hand in his hair stilled he was right.
"Yes, we were in a morgue together once," she assured after a moment and her hand resumed its movement in his hair.
John kept his eyes closed to help him recall the fragmented memory as she distracted him quite easily. "You had told me about your closest call."
"And?" she led, not actually saying whether or not she had.
His eyes snapped open as he looked at her stomach. "You have a large scar from a land mine." he rasped as he looked up to search her eyes to see if he was right. She nodded and he watched as hope filled her eyes. It gave him some too. He narrowed his gaze on her as he concentrated on that one memory he had. "But it wasn't your closest call."
"No, it wasn't." she agreed, her voice sounded rough.
John sat staring at her because the memory was in pieces. He remembered parts of it. They were in the morgue and it felt as though danger lurked close. She had joked about needing to kill HR before they autopsied them. But the memory of what her closest call was blank still. Joss cleared her throat as she leaned back and removed her hand from his hair to reach down and tug her shirt up. His eyes drifted down and didn't feel surprised as he stared at the large puckered old scar. He reached out and rubbed an index finger across it and her body shook.
"I remember touching you like this before but we were in bed together," he whispered as another memory burst into his mind but was frustrated when no more came.
"You did. You kissed every inch of my scar." she said.
"But it wasn't your closest call," he murmured sounding angry.
"No, it wasn't." she repeated. "Do you remember telling me yours?" she asked, wanting him to stop getting angry about not remembering and focused on something else that he might be able to.
John was about to look up at her when he stopped at the ring on her left hand. His eyes widened as he looked up and gaped at her. "We're engaged?!" he demanded.
A smile made its way on her face. "No, not really since you never actually asked me. But you did give me this ring as a gift today." she admitted, he eyed her confused. "You gave it to Taylor to give it to me today because you didn't think you were going to survive the takedown of Samaritan. And Taylor did as you asked." she explained as she pushed her shirt down and stroked his face. "And if you do ever ask me the answer will forever be: I'm yours and I'd be honored to be your wife."
"I need to remember," he whispered more to himself. He had wanted to propose to this woman. He wanted to spend his life with her. And he had wanted her to know that in case he died in the takedown of Samaritan. The fact that there were warring artificial intelligences blew his mind. John was sure when he did regain his memories it wouldn't but right now it did.
"You will, John. Memories are finally coming back slowly and maybe you're not getting the full picture yet but they're coming. Though you never answered me: do you remember you telling me your closest call?" she asked. When he shook his head she got an idea. "Stay put, I need to go get something that you gave me the day you left." she instructed as she raced up the stairs and into her bedroom. It sat resting on the night stand ever since he gave it to her. It reminded her that he survived worse.
Joss grabbed it and hurried to the stairs when her son's door opened. "Does he remember anything yet?" he asked quietly.
She shook her head. "He's remembering pieces of memories which is more than we've had before." she admitted and then rushed down the stairs and left her son to go back in his room. Joss found John sitting on the couch where she left him. She sat down beside him barely leaving him any personal space.
"You gave me this to hold onto for you," Joss said and held out the bullet he had given her.
He frowned as he took it. "I gave you a bullet," he remarked, stymied. Well, maybe he was only good at gifting when it was a matter of life and death.
She nodded. "With your name on it," she added and he looked up at her in surprise. "That was your closest call."
A flurry of memories came and then stopped; he recalled their first meeting, his first meeting of Harold Finch, and just how close he had been to killing himself. John concentrated hard on the other memories eluding his grasp, so much so he felt a stirring of a headache, which made him rub his forehead.
"You're getting a migraine aren't you?" she asked sharply.
John sighed. "Can't pull a fast one by you," he grumbled, keeping the fact that he remembered more to himself for the time being.
"No, you're sleep deprived and you're trying too hard to remember." Joss replied as she frowned. "Let me get you a cup of coffee and we relax, and see how things go," she suggested hopefully.
He shook his head as he stood up and she followed. "I've had about six cups of coffee already. But you're right, I am sleep deprived, maybe I should head home and get some sleep and see if that will help."
Part of her wanted to offer their bed but she didn't want to push too hard. He was already beginning to have a migraine from pressuring himself too much. Joss reluctantly followed him to the foyer where he bent and grabbed his suit blazer and wool coat making her remember how they ended up on the floor in the first place.
"So what's on tap for you today?" she asked watching him draw his blazer on first.
"I'm going to sleep for a little bit before I'm going to meet up with Harold again to find out more about myself. Harold needed rest and we agreed to meet again in the afternoon." John murmured as he pulled on his wool coat and cinched the buttons up one at a time. He met her gaze. "I want to remember."
"How about afterwards you come over for Christmas dinner with me, my son, and my mother?" she suggested.
John forced his lips up even though his head pounded and he felt his stomach begin to churn. He needed to get home and some sleep before he grew dizzy. "I'll try," he answered vaguely. And just as expected concern colored her features as she narrowed her gaze on him.
"It's going to be a bad one isn't it?" she demanded. When weren't they?—but he simply shrugged as he turned to leave but stopped when she grabbed his arm and he felt a sense of déjà vu as he turned to look at her. "Have you thought about asking for medication to help deal with the migraines, John?"
"They're just a result of my traumatic injury, Joss. I'm sure as I heal over time they'll disappear."
Joss wasn't so sure. As she figured John was going to have them the rest of his life. But once he could remember then she could browbeat him into relaxing and letting her soothe his aches and pangs. "Text me that you got home safe." she said rather than asked.
He sighed. "Joss, you worry too much."
"And you don't worry enough about yourself," she countered. "Text me…please."
They shared a look and when his expression softened she knew he figured her out. "Alright, I'll text you that I got back home safe," he promised softly, and with that he pulled away to leave. Joss had to stand at the door watching him go feeling no closer to having the man she loved back than before he showed up.
Closing the door she leaned up against it, exhausted both physically from lack of sleep and emotionally. Joss stayed like that for a full minute or morebefore pushing away, needing to get ready for the day and hoped like hell John would be able to come for dinner.
AN: I didn't want him to immediately remember everything because it felt unnatural. So poor John and Joss must suffer through the fact that he now knows about them and himself but still can't remember, and they need to muddle through it.
Thank you for reading!