Harry entered the room, slamming the door behind him, and throwing himself down on to the chair.
Dr. Mendoza arched an eyebrow at this display, looking like he was holding back a chuckle. "You appear to have something on your mind, Harry."
Hands clenching on the armrests of his chair, Harry let out a frustrated huff. "I'm trying so hard to improve my life, following everyone's suggestions, but instead I'm falling apart. I don't even know myself anymore."
"Falling apart? In what way?" the therapist asked.
Harry rolled his eyes. "It feels like I have no control over my actions, my emotions. It can be a normal day, and then-" He waved his hands around. "I attack a suspect and end up here. I find myself suddenly offering to adopt a child. And then feeling furious when they refuse the offer. Having crazy thoughts about-" Harry shut his mouth so fast he nearly bit his own tongue. In his ranting, he had almost mentioned Draco.
"Crazy thoughts about what?"
Damn. Of course his therapist would catch that. After all these weeks, he knew when Harry was holding back. He shrugged. "Just about a man I dated a while ago."
Dr. Mendoza nodded, looking at his young client. "We have talked about your past and those changes you have made lately. They are big steps towards living a fuller, happier life."
"But..." Harry sighed, knowing there was more coming.
"But humans don't adapt to change with a snap of the fingers. It's easy to have everything looking great on the surface, but the change takes a while to sink down deep into the core of who you are. And sometimes, your old ways, your old beliefs, will fight against the change."
Harry tried to take this in, and understand it. "I'm an adult. I should be able to control myself. I should be able to look at things with a rational mind and define who I am."
"Yes and no. I agree you can do that, but it will take time and a lot of work. It is what we are trying to do here." The doctor took a minute, collecting his thoughts. "But you can't deny that you are shaped a lot by how you are raised, and your experiences."
"You are saying I attacked a suspect because my parents died when I was a baby?" Harry scoffed. "That I can't get over a guy because I had to wear my cousin's old clothes?"
"Yes."
The simple answer had Harry staring at his therapist in shock. He had made up the most ridiculous scenarios he could come up with in that moment.
"Let me explain the patterns I have seen from our sessions. Your loving, wonderful parents were murdered when you were just a baby. You were taken in by your aunt and uncle, but instead of loving and taking care of you, they treat you like a burden, like an embarrassing freak. Then you are off to Hogwarts, suddenly rich and famous, but still lacking parental figures. You had good friends and a pseudo-family in the Weasley's but still looked for a father figure."
Harry could only nod along, knowing by now that his therapist was leading up to something.
"You turn to Sirius, but all too soon he was killed. Dumbledore as well. And even Snape."
"A lot of people died in the war." Harry shrugged. "Other people had it just as bad as I did."
Dr. Mendoza leaned forward. "Yes, but the repeated loss of important people in your life is something you couldn't help but react to. Everytime someone good came into your life, took an interest in you, they were soon gone."
"OK, maybe that is true to some extent..." Harry didn't see how that related to his current issues.
"People who have experiences like that at a young age typically react in one of two ways; either they withdraw and don't bother trying to be close to anyone again..."
"Or...?" Harry knew that wasn't him, and he dreaded hearing the other option.
"Or they try a little too hard to hold on to people. Try to please them, do whatever they want, don't set up appropriate boundaries..." Dr. Mendoza said, watching Harry closely, his dark eyes kind.
Harry sighed, considering if that description fit him. "A sloppy party bottom...," he said softly, almost to himself.
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing..." Harry waved a dismissive hand. "Do you really think I'm like that?"
"Well, let's look at your relationship with Dumbledore. At times he was kind and fatherly towards you, but think of all the times you wanted to go to him for guidance, and he just wasn't available. You did anything he asked, trying to win his approval, his love, even if it was dangerous."
The words stung, but Harry didn't reply right away. He thought it over, and it was true. "What should I have done? I was The Chosen One."
Dr. Mendosa nodded slowly, taking a moment to mull this over. "Yes, but at great personal cost. No one is denying that you were the one who had to fight Voldemort in the end, and you even died to defeat him. This is not something most people have to face."
Harry sighed. "Um, what you said does ring true though. As a teenager, I often wanted to talk things over with a father figure but they weren't available to me. Dumbledore was often busy or seemed to ignore me. I often couldn't contact Sirius because he was in hiding."
"And Snape?"
Images of the occulumency training and potions classes flashed through Harry's mind. And then seeing his memories in the pensive, Dumbledore's death, Snape's death...
Dr. Mendosa was holding out the box of tissues. Harry only realized then that tears were flowing down his cheeks. Embarrassed, he yanked out sone tissues and mopped up his face, trying to get himself together. It took a few minutes, but the therapist didn't rush him.
Finally, Harry turned back to him, swallowing thickly. "I didn't have an easy relationship with him. With any of those men. I often felt I wasn't measuring up to what they wanted."
"Well, with everything you went through in your childhood and the war, I think you have done surprisingly well. You have a career you are good at and enjoy, and many healthy friendships."
Harry scoffed. "Not a total fuck-up, then?"
"Not at all," Dr. Mendosa rushed to answer. "The things that have been happening lately are because the changes you are trying to make are in conflict with some unhealthy beliefs you have internalized. That's what we need to work on."
Harry tried to put it together in his head, but didn't see how it was connected. "You mentioned I try too hard to hold on to people..." Did he do things that other people didn't?
"Those things you initially mentioned, going too far with the suspect, the little girl, the guy in your past. Feeling out of control. That all stems from your past experiences."
Harry ran his hands through his hair, feeling frustrated and confused. "I don't get how they can be related in any way."
The doctor leaned forward, his eyes warm and caring. "Finding that girl in the warehouse triggered you about your childhood. Sera is an orphan, like you, and also has been treated like a burden instead of with love. You saw that she was sleeping in a box and barely had enough to eat, and at a deep level, you are reminded of that cupboard under the stairs and barely getting food and clothing from your aunt and uncle."
"I never had it as bad as she did. I went to school, had clean clothes..." Harry countered weakly. But it had been small, consistent mistreatments every day. Watching Dudley getting everything, while Harry barely got leftover scraps.
"Your anger for how Sera was treated stems from buried anger about how you were treated. Subconsciously, you see yourself in her, and have been fighting for her like you wished you could have fought back for yourself, back then. Or had someone fight for you."
Even now, thinking about how he had found her, in that old box in dirty clothes, insects scuttling away when he pulled her out of it, made the anger inside him flare up again. "Is it somehow wrong to fight for her? She needs someone in her corner. I can't just leave her to the system and walk away."
Dr. Mendosa nodded. "Wanting to protect and help her are good feelings. But spontaneously offering to adopt her is probably not the best way to go about that. Would you agree?"
Harry thought about his conversation with Ron. Being a single patent to a high needs child while working in a dangerous job was a recipe for disaster. He would be completely out of his depth, and probably make things even worse for Sera. Sure, he could give her food, shelter, clothing, and love. Meet her basic needs. But could he give her enough time and attention to help her become a healthy adult?
"Yes, but I have to do something," Harry finally said, feeling powerless.
"We will work on that. Figure out ways you can help that are the best for both of you." Dr. Mendosa said. "But I want to go back to the man you mentioned. You said you can't get over him?"
With everything they had discussed in their sessions, Harry had rarely mentioned Draco. He had downplayed their past, and hadn't mentioned going to the brothel. Hadn't mentioned the trip to the island. It all seemed so long ago now.
Taking a big, deep breath and letting it out slowly, Harry thought about how to sum things up. It was time to talk about it all, no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing. If he couldn't talk freely to his therapist, who could he talk to? Even Ron didn't know everything.
Fuck it. He just had to jump in and get Dr. Mendosa to help him sort it all out.
"His name is Draco, and it was hate at first sight..."
...
-A/N: Thanks for reading and being to patient with this twisty story.