"His name is Draco, and it was hate at first sight..."
It took a long time for Harry to summarize everything to his therapist. From the first few sharp comments they exchanged, to the rivalry in class and on the quidditch pitch, to the escalating violence of the war. Testifying in his defense afterwards. Years of not seeing each other. Then the shock of seeing him in the brothel.
Dr. Mendosa was listening, letting Harry get his thoughts out. "What happened between you after that?"
Harry let out a half-chuckle out of nerves. "Um, well, we were both shocked but there was something between us. He gave me the option of going to another man, but I wanted to stay with him. He's really the one who pushed me to make so many changes."
"How did he do that?"
This conversation was getting more uncomfortable, but Harry pushed on. "Um, well, he mocked some of the charity work I had been involved in, and whipped me so I was sore for a week."
That made the doctor look up from his notepad, his eyes questioning. "He mocked and whipped you?"
"Well, mocking me was typical behavior for him. He's always done that," Harry said quickly, and then paused. "Um, he whipped me because he was working as a dom. At the brothel."
The doctor seemed to take a minute. "So, you normally engage in this type of sexual activity?" He didn't seem judgmental.
"Um, well, no. Never before. Not since then either."
The doctor's eyebrows rose slightly, one of the few reactions Harry had ever gotten from him. He usually schooled his expressions to be neutral.
It made Harry shift in his chair, feeling uneasy. "Is that unusual?"
"You have told me about your previous relationships, and only dabbling with men in recent years. It seems like a big step to go right into being whipped if you were inexperienced." Dr. Mendosa said.
Harry fell silent for a couple minutes. "Well, I guess I just wanted to be with him enough that I let him decide what we would do. But I did have a safe word."
"That you didn't use, apparently, since you were so sore afterwards."
That comment stopped Harry, made him pause. What would have happened if he said the safe word? "I'm not sure why I didn't say it. Maybe I was just so caught up in the moment, in subspace, that it didn't occur to me. Maybe I just have a high pain tolerance." Maybe he just wanted to follow Draco's orders, be a good sub.
The doctor didn't seem swayed by these explanations, but continued on. "Did you keep coming back? Did you let him whip you again?"
"I feel a bit ashamed to say that I did. I felt intensely attracted to him, even though he said he didn't have sex with clients."
"How many times did you go back?"
Harry swallowed hard. He hadn't allowed himself to think about Draco this much in ages. "Um, three sessions only, even though the gift was for twelve."
"What happened?"
Closing his eyes, Harry thought back on that last session. He had been so far from himself, almost manic. Out of control. It had been exciting, consuming, but also terrifying. It had almost ruined everything with Draco.
Sighing, Harry opened his eyes. "I had become a bit obsessed with him by then, and I pushed beyond the rules he had laid down. He left immediately, and it took weeks to get him to talk to me again."
The doctor nodded, making a note on his notepad. "So, you went back to the brothel."
"No, I said that I liked him and kissed him. He kissed me back, and I was able to convince him to try dating. He had big reservations about it." Harry remembered how exciting it had been, those early days...
"How long were you together?"
Harry shook his head, trying to keep it together. "Um, not long enough. He was concerned about be seen together in public since I'm in the news so often, and I wasn't out back then. We had been away for a short trip, and that stupid kiss picture got taken. I haven't seen or heard from him since."
"So, it's been several months and you have been dating other men very publicly. But you said you keep having crazy thoughts about him?"
It had been something that slipped out right at the beginning of the session. "Why am I still so hung up on him? He left without saying goodbye, I have no idea where he is or what he's doing. Who he's doing. If he'll ever come back." Harry grabbed a tissue, rubbing it over his eyes and then blowing his nose. "I date all these great guys, but none of them make me feel even a tenth of what I felt towards him."
The doctor gave him a few minutes to collect himself. Harry went to the washroom, feeling drained and incredibly depressed. He splashed his face with water, looking in the mirror when he dried off. His eyes were still red, his skin blotchy.
He slumped back down in the chair, and just wanted to curl up under his covers in bed, like he had when Draco had left. Shut out the world. It was too painful to deal with.
Dr. Mendosa sighed, and leaned forward. "Harry, you have been incredibly brave today, being so open with me. I know it's hard to talk about embarrassing issues, events that hurt you. But together we will figure this all out. Give you better ways to handle things in the future. Break you out of your patterns."
"I have patterns?" Harry couldn't see that at all.
"Before, I mentioned that you try a little too hard to hold on to people. This stems from the repeated abandonment you experienced growing up. Parental figures simply weren't physically or emotionally there for you. It can lead to maladaptive thoughts and behaviors to deal with this perceived rejection," Dr. Mendosa explained. "Future interpersonal relationships are effected by your personal history, and you try to avoid similar pain by relationship dependence."
"Relationship dependence." Harry repeated, not really understanding what the therapist meant.
"It means you will do almost anything to try to keep the relationship going, to earn their love." The doctor's eyes were caring, checking to make sure Harry was understanding what he was saying.
It sounded awful. "Am I really like that? Clingy and desperate?"
"I wouldn't call it that, exactly, but think back on how you acted recently with Draco. You felt strong attraction to him and basically did anything you could to be with him. You said you were obsessed with him, and still want him."
Harry frowned. "Don't other people feel like that sometimes too?"
"Yes, but they still have boundaries. Look at Draco. He told you what he wanted, and when things went outside that, he didn't stick around."
This made Harry look at that time differently. Draco had given his rules the first day at the brothel, and had left immediately when Harry broke those rules. Even later on, he had talked about his concerns about the press, and disappeared when the photos came out.
"So, even though he had feelings for me, it was OK for him to leave like that?" Harry asked. Was that normal in relationships?
The doctor shifted in his chair. "The point I was trying to make is that even when you have feelings for someone, you need to have boundaries and tell them what they are. You need to talk about what you want, and what you don't want, and the other person should respect that."
Harry looked towards the fire. "Oh, OK." He said it to be polite, not really understanding what his therapist meant.
"Harry, this is really important for you to learn. Like the way Draco treated you at the brothel. He right away tied you up and whipped you hard, knowing that you were new to all that." Dr. Mendosa said.
Springing up from the chair, Harry had to walk around. He couldn't sit still. "That was wrong?"
The doctor shook his head. "It is fine if it is consensual, but he should have discussed it with you first. Described what he was going to do and see if you were alright with that. Many people have things they don't like or can actually be triggering for bad reactions. And whipping seems like a fairly advanced place to start."
"But how was I supposed to know that? I was new to BDSM," Harry whirled around to face the man.
Dr. Mendosa was still calm, even watching Harry pace the room. "Now that you know that you have these challenges, you are going to need to check in with other people more. Talk to me and friends you trust, experts, to learn what is normal. Learn to set healthy boundaries. With trying BDSM, you could read books about it, and talk to other people in the community. Educate yourself."
Harry sat back down. "But I loved every minute with Draco. I wouldn't change a thing." He felt emotionally exhausted.
Leaning forward slightly, Dr. Mendosa caught Harry's eyes with his own. "People with abandonment issues often feel attracted to people who aren't the best choice for them. They can become attached too quickly, to unavailable people, and stay in toxic relationships."
Toxic relationships? Harry sat back in his chair. "You don't think Draco was good for me?"
"Perhaps. I think you both had issues you were dealing with from your past and that's not a healthy foundation to start a relationship on. How much of your attraction was fueled by your old rivalry? I think the relationship wouldn't have lasted very long if Draco hadn't cut and run. The reason you still feel hung up on him is simply needing some closure, since things ended so abruptly."
Harry felt like he had been punched in the gut. Could this be true? Was everything with Draco so nebulous and unsubstantial? Was he a fool for pining for him for all these months? Would he ever be able to let him go? Get free?
...
-A/N: A different viewpoint on things...