A/N: As always thank you for the reviews and PMs, your response is always inspiring me to continue.

I'm always a bit in love with the version of them I'm writing for the moment, but maybe a little more than usual this time. Unlike my AU stories this is how I truly would like it to play out for the "real" couple after what happened on screen. I hope the next chapters won't be confusing going in and out of the past.

There will be two chapters for this song because it got a bit long (not the first time that happens with me, I know). The second is more than half-written, so it will come soon. Trivia: the song is a bit of a flirt with S1 soundtrack as London grammar made two of the brilliant songs there.

Chapter 4: Scared of loneliness

Let winter break

Let it burn 'til I see you again

I will be here with you

Just like I told you I would

I'd love to always love you

But I'm scared of loneliness

When I'm, when I'm alone with you

London grammar – Rooting for you

I'm lying on my back on a bath towel, eyes closed, burying my toes in the smooth sand. The sun warms me from above, the sand from below. It is not too warm just perfect, so I feel like I'm warm through and through, from the outer layer of my skin all the way in to my core. Seagulls scream every now and then, telling me I'm by the sea if the sound from the waves and smell of sea weed had not been enough to let me know already. I do not know when the last time was that I felt this at ease, so content with life. It was far from certain that I would come here. It is far from guaranteed that I will stay.

A few weeks ago, Charles called me and told me he had rented a cottage for him and Sam by the coast mid-August, and did I want to come? He knew I would have a month off between my last day as a serving British soldier and start of the nurse training and I did not have much plans really.

The offer takes me by surprise and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

"It sounds a bit shit."

"I know you don't think it does. You love the sea." He sounds confident enough, but I realise it must have summoned up some courage to ask.

I do love the sea and Charles knows, because he was the one to introduce me to it and saw me fall unconditionally in love. That is part of why I hesitate, there are so many memories.

When we were newly-weds, we drove to the coast for a weekend. On the way there, I told him I had never seen the sea.

"I knew you can't swim, but what do you mean by 'you haven't seen the sea'?"

"Oh, I've seen it on the telly, but I haven't really been. Well, on Cyprus obviously but I was a bit too occupied worrying about other things, like you possibly dying, to pay much attention that time. Didn't even dip my toes."

"You never cease to amaze me."

"Blame my parents who never took us outside Newham."

We arrived at the small pension in the early evening and before even unpacking, Charles pulled me with him down to the beach like he did not want to wait another second to show me some miracle. At this hour, most tourists already were gone or packing up their sunchairs and bags, leaving for the day. There was a calmness to the nearly empty beach I never had experienced before. I just stood there staring.

"It's so big."

He sneaked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

"Now, isn't what you usually say about..."

"Hush, you naughty man", I giggled. "Don't ruin this beautiful moment."

And it was all really a bit too sacred for any profane jokes, even I who always said I do not do perfect thought so. The sun had started to set, a gigantic orange disc lowering itself into the water at the horizon, leaving the sea an immense surface of golden glitter. It was breath-taking.

"You like the sea, I take it?" he murmured close to my ear.

"It's a bit scary because it never seems to end, but yes, I love it. I need to feel it."

I kicked off my sandals and walked into the waves, holding up my knee-length skirt, then stood there in all that golden glitter, so bright it was almost hurting my eyes, feeling the soft sand of the sea bottom between my toes and just laughed because I was so insanely happy. And when I turned around and looked at him, he had that special look in his eyes. The one I only ever had seen when he rested his eyes on me.

"What?" I smiled at him.

Then he purposefully waded out to me without caring his chinos got wet and pulled me to him, kissed me intensively, cradling my head softly in his hands.

"I love you so much. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way", he whispered against my lips.

It was one of the happiest, most romantic moments in my life. I have not been able to think about it without crying for such a long time, its beauty tainted by what came later. The loss too immense to cope with, so I pushed it aside. Now, I find that I can allow myself to linger there at least for a short while, because maybe there is hope. I'm still not sure I'm ready to go to the sea with him again under the current circumstances, but maybe it is a chance to create new good memories which will allow me to also reminisce the old ones without pain. Yet, I hesitate.

"I don't know."

"We'd love if you join us and there will be space enough."

His way of telling me he is not assuming we will share bedroom and I cannot help but smiling.

"You don't have to stay the full week if you don't want to, but maybe a few days at least? Think about it. Please."

I do, think about it a lot. I want it, but I do not know if it would be a good decision or if I'm ready for the leap forward it would be. Like with everything since that day in the park, he does not push me, let me take my time and decide what I want - if I want anything. That has been part of why I have taken small steps towards him, one tiny step at a time and so far, nearly every step has felt right even if it also scares me. Especially the fact that I'm falling for him again, putting myself out there, terrifies me.

In the end I decide I must dare or everything is already lost and the trio of me, Charles and Sam head for a holiday by the sea.

When we arrive after a long drive, it is already late. The drive has been a lot of fun, joking, singing, making up silly competitions and for a while I manage to forget that we are not just any family going on holiday. When I see the lovely little cottage, situated almost on the beach, I'm reminded that I will stay there with a man who no longer is mine and the feeling of insecurity takes hold of me again. Maybe it was the wrong decision to come here after all. Neither of them seems to think so, though. Like two puppies giddy with joy, the two tall-legged, dark-haired males hurry out of the car to explore the place. It is quite amusing to watch them as they open doors, curiously peek into cupboards and closets, take in the porch and agree on who will sleep where, generously giving me the largest room and I feel the smile spread inside me again.

"Will it be okay you think?" Charles looks at me, tugging the curls at the nape of his neck, searching for my approval and I can see that it matters to him.

"It looks amazing, the cottage, the location. Thanks for bringing me."

I try to hide my apprehension, but I think he knows it is there, lurking under the surface even if I want it to fly out the window and disappear forever.

He squeezes my shoulder briefly, a gesture to comfort me in a way he could do with any of his friends or men. His eyes tell me a different story, one I know they would tell only me.

"Thanks for coming. It means a lot to me", is all he says.

Later, after dinner, I'm sitting in the swing settee out on the porch, dangling my legs. I like swing settees, maybe because we never had neither that, nor a porch when I grew up and a sofa that can swing feels like a luxury. The evening is warm, and I can hear the waves rolling against the shore. Charles was not kidding when he said he had rented a cottage right by the water, it is almost as close as it can possibly be without water entering inside when the tide runs high.

Now he comes out and hands me a cold beer and sits down beside me, the swing settee creaks slightly under his weight.

"Put on weight, have you?" I smirk.

"Only muscles", he grins in return, and I feel some heat at the thought of that it is probably true.

Everything is easier when Sam is present, but he has escaped with his iPad for the evening, finally allowed to stay in touch with his friends or play games for a while. Now when we are alone, I cannot help thinking about if and when I might be ready to take a step closer to Charles, to be physical with him. The thought makes my insides twist in a combination of anticipation and fear. He sits next to me, looking towards the sea in the fading twilight, leaning back towards the seat, relaxing. He is wearing a t-shirt and I can see the veins and small hairs on his forearms as he rests them in his lap holding his beer, taking a sip every now and then. I always loved his arms, the masculinity of them, the way they changed, the muscles and tendons played, when he moved. Always stupidly enjoyed watching them and his strong hands when he supply handled the wheel, driving a car. I resist the impulse to reach out my hand and touch the smooth, tanned skin, but sitting here beside him, I know I want him. I'm still not ready though.

"How do you feel about being here?" he asks without turning to me.

I take a sip from my beer, buying myself time.

"I'm not sure. I mean, I feel so much that I'm not sure what it adds up to."

"But you don't regret coming?"

His eyes still fixed forward, but I can feel him tensing next to me in anticipation of my response.

"No… I don't think so, but it feels a bit strange, unnatural, to be here alone with the two of you. Like we're a family, except that we aren't."

He sighs deeply, opens his mouth as if to say something, mutely hesitates, then finally speaks.

"You do know that I'm wishing for us to be, don't you? A family again. I don't want to put pressure on you, I just want to make sure you're in no doubt about how I feel."

Now he looks at me, but I do not dare to meet his eyes because I'm afraid to break down.

"I love you", he says softly.

I stay silent for a while. Engaging my brain before talking, deliberating my response, like he taught me long ago when I always opened my gobby mouth too quickly. I still do not look at him when I answer.

"I still love you, I told you already in the park. Always have, even when I hated you, and probably always will. But I don't know if it's enough to have a future together. Sometimes people stay together far too long without love, like my parents. Sometimes they love each other to bits but there's too much else in the way."

"Like?"

"What do you mean?"

"I thought you would have an example, like your parents but the other way around."

I smile, unable to think of a specific example.

"Like… bloody Romeo and Juliet."

"Ah, I was thinking of real existing people we know of." He cocks an eyebrow.

"Like you and me, then."

I see his smile fade away in fear. Fear that I'm about to say that I see no future in this, but I do not feel like that. I just feel insecure.

"I'm just saying I don't know yet."

He exhales, and his shoulders relax slightly.

"This scares me for so many reasons, Charles. Even if I wasn't happy without you, I had found a way to survive. If we try this and it goes to shit again, I'm not sure I'll survive a second time. Do you get that?"

Finally, we look straight at each other.

"I do. I really do."

There is a light breeze and he moves a strand of my hair away from my face, his face filled with sentiments, so far from the man that checked out emotionally from our relationship when Elvis died. The man who made me feel lonely even when we were together.

"You see, you hurt me even long before Georgie. When you shut me out from everything you were going through. You made me feel lonelier with you than when I was alone. I couldn't cope with that again, the thought of loneliness when I'm with you terrifies me. Then I'm better off actually being alone."

"Molly, I..."

"I know you're sorry, but I also know you can't promise me it would never happen again. You never thought it would happen the first time, but you couldn't help it. So, this is about me, me believing it enough, wanting it enough to take the risk. I'm not quite there yet."

Now he stays silent for a while, takes in what I'm saying.

"I agree you have to believe in this, but know that I do. I think that therapy has taken me a long way from where we ended. I hope and believe it will never make me end up there again, in a person I don't even identify myself with. And I've given up tours, you know that. That said, I know you have to take your time.".

I love that he seems to understand me. Like he used to before.

"Slowly, okay?" I lean into him and it feels good.

"Slowly", he confirms and put his arm around me and we sit there enjoying the summer evening, our beers and the company until it is time to hit our separate beds.

I'm lying on my back on a bath towel, eyes closed, burying my toes in the smooth sand. The sun warms me from above, the sand from below. It is not too warm just perfect, so I feel like I'm warm through and through, from the outer layer of my skin all the way in to my core. Seagulls scream every now and then, telling me I'm by the sea if the sound from the waves and smell of sea weed had not been enough to let me know already. I do not know when the last time was that I felt this at ease, so content with life. My moment of relaxation is abruptly interrupted when a ball lands on my stomach, then bounces next to me, splashing sand in my face.

"Oi!"

Charles' shadow falls on me when he comes running and stops in front of me, laughing. Obviously, it was no mistake that the ball hit me.

"We thought you looked a bit too settled. Lazy even, already lacking in discipline private Dawes."

"I'm on bloody holiday, wasn't expecting any PT sessions."

He looks down on me from above, tongue in cheek, fully enjoying disturbing my peace. I have always been mesmerized by the way Charles' eyes can change colour. They can be a warm brown like melted chocolate when he is in a good mood; a dark steely brown to accompany his stern-face when displeased or angry; even darker, nearly black yet soft like velvet when they long ago were filled with want for me. I hope I never again have to see the dull, impenetrable and unseeing brown that was more or less constant during our last months as married. Right now, reflecting the sun and his happiness they are a twinkling golden brown.

"How about a swim? Sam and I are going in."

"Is it true you couldn't swim before dad taught you?", Sam chips in but does not wait for the answer before running after the ball which continued to bounce further away, now threatening to attack a family in the midst of their lunch sandwiches.

Another memory from that weekend by the coast a long time ago. Charles laughing and lecturing me in the art of swimming, supporting me, teasing me. Me whining he was a stern teacher and giggling when he got frustrated. Then when we got tired of it, we hurried back to the pension hand in hand and made love for hours instead. It makes me gasp for air before I can shake it off.

"Will you join us?"

I have been sunbathing in bikini bottom and a tank top and I do not feel prepared to take off more to be nearly nude in front of him. Maybe in a day or two, but not yet, especially not after that flash-back and the effect it had on my lower abdomen.

"Nah, looks a bit chilly."

It does not, the sea looks extremely appealing, its colour almost turquoise the way one always sees in travel catalogues.

"Suit yourself if you prefer lying here like a dried leaf, Sam and I will go swimming anyway."

In one smooth move, he pulls his t-shirt over his head, grins and throws it at me.

Seeing him without that t-shirt, only in swimming trunks far down his hips, does so many things to me. There is the predictable pang of desire at the view of his still boyishly lean, yet muscular body. There is the pain of the familiarity of a body my hands have roamed so many times but so long ago, and the scar still visible on his abdomen evoking more memories. Then there is a third, more unpredictable thing. His dog-tags are hanging around his neck. Nothing strange about that, but on the chain two circular, golden items are hanging too. One smaller, one larger, I would say the size of our respective ring fingers. He follows my gaze, looks down and when he looks up again his cheeks are blushing and he bites his lower lip.

"I keep them there… just in case… it felt right one day…", he stutters.

"Since when?" A tremble inside me.

"Since the day I returned and found yours lying in our empty house."

I just stare at him, frozen. He went to lengths to send me running and never came after me, but he never gave up hope. He has been keeping our rings next to his heart. I can see he does not know what my reaction will be. I do not know what my reaction is, besides utter surprise that he did that. My heart is beating so fast and I cannot breathe, maybe I'm having a heart attack.

" I…I couldn't put them away… I guess a small part of me was always hoping… "

The ball comes flying, hits his shoulder and the charged moment is interrupted.

"Dad, are you coming or what? Molls, won't you come swimming with us?"

"You go ahead, I might join in a while." Surprised I'm able to talk.

"So, was it true you couldn't swim until dad taught you? He said so."

"Your dad is full of shit", I laugh, and my heart feels light as I see them race into the water. Some time ago, I would have felt only sadness reminiscing Charles teaching me swimming. Now, when new memories are created as we go along, that one too makes me happy again.

He kept our rings, he kept our rings… the thought goes on repeat in my head until I think I hear the seagulls screaming it and when he does not see it, I bury my nose in his crumpled t-shirt and inhales his smell. The mix of his sun-warm skin, aftershave, him. The best smell in the world. For a second, I'm thinking I would like to bottle it up to keep, but then again I, why would I want that when I have him here to smell?

This evening I'm lying awake in my bed. It is a perfectly comfortable bed, so it is not to be blamed for my sleeplessness. He is, once again. Yesterday I could sleep, but tonight I'm thinking of that only a thin wall separates us. He is lying there on the other side – with our rings on a chain around his neck. If he has not changed habits, he is dressed in white cotton briefs, maybe a t-shirt and I think he might be awake too. I feel more and more restless and finally I tiptoe to the kitchen to get a glass of water and maybe find some peace of mind. Naturally, he is already there doing the same and gives me a warm smile. I was right, he is dressed in briefs and t-shirt and even if I have seen him in only swimming trunks today, the sight is unnerving now when we are alone at night.

"Trouble sleeping?" Raising his eyebrow teasingly. Butterflies in my belly.

"Yeah. Thought I'd get some water."

I move towards the cupboard to get a glass and he simultaneously moves to allow me access to the tap, which results in us colliding in the narrow space. I want him. God, how I want him, but I do not want to act out of spur of the moment desire and regret it, so instead of pressing myself towards him like I want to, I back away.

"Sorry", I say shyly, take a glass and fill with water.

He looks at me all intense, as if to figure out what I'm thinking.

"You think you can sleep now?" he asks.

"No." I take a deep breath, decide to take one small step. "Can I sleep next to you? I mean really just sleep?"

His features soften, the pensive frown erased.

"Of course, I'd love to. I just thought you'd never ask."

His body language suddenly easier than I have seen it in these months, like my request filled him with calmness. Me, I'm far from calm and easy but I need to be close to him.

We decide for my bed as it is the largest one and both lie down covered by a blanket as it is too warm for a regular duvet, slightly hesitant and self-conscious as we position ourselves because we are obviously not used to going to bed together. I cannot quite believe we will share bed again. Suddenly something important strikes me.

"What if Sam wakes up before us and wonders? I wouldn't know how to explain, and I don't want to make him confused."

"You don't have to worry about Sam. He'll sleep until I go and shake him awake. Teenage boys you know. He argues he has learnt in school that he needs it because his brain is changing so much, says his frontal lobe is developing so he'll be able to make rational decisions. Even if it's true I wish they could have withheld that information instead of making my job as a parent harder."

We both laugh softly and then I allow myself to relax. I inch closer to him and when he understands I want to sleep not just in the same bed but closer to him, he fits his body to mine. I feel him hesitate as where to put his arm, the one he used to wrap around me to cup one breast when we slept, so I guide him by taking his hand, lacing our fingers and pull his arm around me without letting go of the hand, feel the arm resting on me heavy, strong and safe. Without even looking at him, I know that made him smile. For a long time, I just enjoy lying there in silence and take him in, something I not so long ago thought I would never experience again. I hear his soft breaths and feel them too as his chest is moving in and out close to my back and we gradually fall into the same pace, two individuals in symbiosis. I tangle my legs with his. When we lie like this my feet will only reach to his calves and I can feel his downy hairs tickle under my soles and the warmth of his skin warming them. I usually have cold feet for some reason. He always teased me saying it was illogical because with my short arms and legs the heart should easily be able to supply enough blood to keep them warm, then added that if it did not manage he did not mind keeping them warm for me. My feet have been cold for a long time, but now they are not.

Me, in a bed with him. That is something I have fought hard to keep out of my mind for so long. Now it is not a distant difficult memory, now is now and I fall asleep happier than I ever thought I would be again.