Author's note:

Dear readers,

a new update for you to enjoy. Thank you for reading, reviewing, favoriting and/or following my story. It really means a lot to me and keeps me motivated to update faster ;).

Have a nice Christmas,

Vani12

Chapter 1 – Sometimes life can be hell!

Severus Snape's house, Spinner's End/Cokeworth, August 1996

Severus Snape downed a tumbler of his finest Firewhiskey to calm his enraged mood. He wanted to numb his sorrows and escape his hellish life. The burning on his throat lessened his rage somewhat, but his obsidian eyes were still sparkling with despair. "I guess a visit of the crazy lunatic Bellatrix Black Lestrange would tick off everyone. Especially since I loathe her sadistic nature and her obsessive worship of the Dark Lord. Her insane cackling could drive the calmest man insane and her paranoia bothers me. In my case, her suspicious nature is a constant threat to my life. I thank Merlin for my superior acting skills and Occlumency shields, or I would have been dead a long time ago. Luckily for me, Bellatrix hasn't the trust of the Dark Lord, for he trusts no one. And I could shut her up with my Unbreakable Vow to Narcissa," he thought laughing miserably.

"How stupid could I be to fall into Bellatrix' trap? Naturally, I knew that I had to play along to distract her suspicions, for she would have undoubtedly stalked me otherwise. The last thing I currently need is a bat-shit crazy Black witch on my heels. And I would do anything to protect my godson Draco, for I love him like my own son and know that he won't be able to kill Dumbledore. He is too good-hearted and smart to damage his soul beyond repair. I owe it to Narcissa to help her son because she is my closest female friend and helped me out of a dark place after Lily's death. Hell, she rescued me from killing myself with poison, helped me to heal in long therapy sessions and even set me up with some of her female friends to let me experience some happy moments.

"Although I never truly loved anyone of her female friends, for I couldn't be distracted from my spy work and fight for Dumbledore by romance, I enjoyed casual sex affairs with them and could forget my miserable existence for some hours. I actually managed to establish a close bond and casual relationship including dinner dates, shared vacations, theatre visits and carnal pleasures with Clarissa Nott for two years. But I had to break it off with the blonde green-eyed beauty when she developed feelings for me. She is a happily married mum of three now. Sometimes, I envy her husband, Tiberius Greengrass, for his beautiful intelligent wife, cute kids, and nice home. But I realize that my role as a double spy in the midst of the Death Eaters would never allow me to have a family. Who would want to have a family with the greasy Dungeon Bat anyways?" Severus scoffed loudly.

He should stop his pity party and focus on his tasks ahead. He would have to kill his close friend and mentor, Albus Dumbledore, during the next summer. Albus Dumbledore had saved his life fifteen years ago by vouching for him in front of the Wizengamot, saving his sorry ass from a life sentence in Azkaban, employing him as his new Potions Master at Hogwarts and giving him a new chance to redeem his wretched life choices. Thanks to him, he was the Order's spy who betrayed the Death Eaters' secrets, planted false information into their heads and sabotaged their war efforts. His sole purpose was to avenge Lily's death by defeating her murderer and his inhuman followers once for all.

"Well, you will certainly boost your position within the Dark Lord's ranks by killing his number two enemy. But what will the murder of their leader by their mistrusted spy do to the Order? It will undoubtedly weaken us beyond repair, especially since Dumbledore is our unrivaled strategic and emotional leader. His murder by my hands will cut the already thinning rows of Order members to the quick, for they will lose the hope to win the war without the most powerful wizard and a useful spy inside the inner circle of the Death Eaters on their side.

"They will brand me as a traitor, hunt me down and hate me more than the Dark Lord, for it will seem as if I have killed their only hope to win the war and betrayed their secrets to their enemies. I will be lucky if Minerva doesn't murder me in my sleep. I will have to damage my soul further, regardless that my Avada Kedavra will be a mercy killing. Every kill pulls out a piece of your soul. It is nonrelevant for your emotional and mental health, if you kill someone in self-defense, the defense of others, your role as a spy or in a merciful act. In the end, your soul will be littered in black marks. While my soul is already intermingled with darkness due to my fellowship of the Dark Lord in the First War and my actions as a spy, I'm desperately trying to not surrender completely to my darkness.

"Sometimes, I hate Albus for the duties he puts upon me and the expectations he has of me. I need to be a merciless killer, conscienceless poison brewer and sadistic torturer for the Dark Lord. At the same time, I need to be a masterful spy, creative Potions Master and inventive Spellcrafter for the Order of the Phoenix. In my darkest hours, I don't know who I really am and get tempted by the allure of the Dark Arts. Only the light and beauty of my conjured doe Patronus can keep me sane in these moments and strengthen my fight for the Light Side. I endure any torture, emotional pain and physical abuse with the hope to destroy the Dark Lord and his fools. But sometimes, it is all too much for one person to handle alone.

"In these hopeless times, I imagine myself into an alternate dream world where I can live the life I have dreamed of as a young boy. A peaceful world where I change the Wizarding community for the better with my inventions in Potions and Spellwork, I am a popular man with many friends, money and a loving family and no Dark Lord is alive. I realize that I will never live in such a world, for I will be condemned for eternity for my Death Eater past and the killing of the great Albus Dumbledore. If I survive the war – which is highly unlikely due to my double spy life – I will be loathed by all wizards and witches and thrown into Azkaban for life. In the most pessimistic vision of my future, I receive the Dementors Kiss for my crimes. I label it as the most horrific possible future, for death would be a mercy in comparison. In the most optimistic vision of my future, I live the life of a social outcast after a long stint in Azkaban. Hence, I have accepted that I will probably die a lonely death."

Severus sneered at his pathetic thoughts. He shouldn't be wallowing in self-pity now, because he would need his strength in the upcoming Order meeting. Though his nemesis Sirius Black had been killed by Bellatrix a few months ago, he still loathed attending the Order meetings at Grimmauld Place, for almost all members welcomed him with open hostility, mistrust, and contempt. Alastor Moody would gladly let a Dementor suck out his soul. In his mind, someone who had willingly joined Lord Voldemort in their youth was a criminal monster who couldn't be trusted and change sides. Amelia Bones would gladly kill him on the spot. She knew that he had invented the nerve poison that had killed the McKinnons in the First War. Nobody could redeem himself for the murder of children, women and the elderly. Molly Weasley would gladly hex him into oblivion, for he had bullied the Golden Trio mercilessly at Hogwarts. In her opinion, no bully could ever have the heart to fight for the Light Side.

The only members that welcomed him friendly were oddly enough Kingsley Shacklebolt, Remus Lupin, and Nymphadora Tonks. Kingsley Shacklebolt was fascinated by his genius in Potions and Spellcrafting and regarded him as a powerful asset for the Order in the fight against the Death Eaters. He encouraged him to develop new Healing Potions and teach his Spying Spells to the Order. Although Remus Lupin was one of his youth tormentors, he acted civilly with him, because he felt guilty about his bystander role at Hogwarts, indebted to him for his Wolfsbane delivery and sorry for the torture he suffered as their spy. He defended him against any badmouthing and cited Dumbledore's trust in him as reason enough to believe in his trustworthiness.

Nymphadora Tonks was fascinated by his skills in Occlumency and Legillimency and felt indebted to him, for he had helped her to secure her position as an Auror. Tonks had been a talented Potions student despite her clumsiness. Thanks to some private tutor sessions in her seventh year, she had received an "O" in her N.E.W.T.'s and could enroll in Auror training. He quite liked Tonks fiery personality and no-nonsense attitude, hence he had trained her in Occlumency and Legilimency some years ago. As a Metamorphogus she had some unique abilities to help them win the war against the Dark Side. Equipped with solid Occlumency shields and basic Legilimency skills, she was a powerful asset for the Order. She spied on the lower Death Eaters, extracted valuable information from her Uncle Lucius and even infiltrated the Snatchers thanks to her Metamorphogus powers.

Somehow, they had become friends due to their shared private lessons and spy lives. They talked about new ways to develop powerful Ward-Breaking Spells, to improve the Blood-Replenishing Potion or to perfect their spying game. Though they almost never talked about their childhoods, fears, and hopes to each other, he was always happy to see the funny bright Hufflepuff again. He couldn't wait to discuss the newest article in Charms Weekly on how to decode Tracking Spells with her. "Severus, don't kid yourself. The young vibrant Hufflepuff is only friendly to you because you helped her to refine her mind skills. She probably doesn't see you as her friend Severus, but still as her nasty greasy git Potions Master. She only chats with you, for you are a source of new knowledge to her. There is nothing more to it. Who could honestly be friends with you? Besides that, do I need to remind you what happened to your first best female friend?", a nasty voice asked inside his head.

He blocked it out with his Occlumency shields, but the self-doubts lingered in his head until a loud voice screamed at him in his mind. "Come on, Severus. Don't let yourself be discouraged by your low self-confidence and self-doubts. The beautiful bubbly Hufflepuff wouldn't have visited you inside of your Hogwarts chambers to drink a glass of vine and discuss her favorite English literature and movies with you if she didn't enjoy your company. She surely considers you to be her friend, for she talked about her issues with her mum to you and even confessed that she longed to have kids. Naturally, you didn't share anything personal with her, but she opened up to you. She would only disclose such private issues to someone she likes and trusts. Hence, don't let your self-doubts destroy your friendship. Her laughter at your sarcastic jokes should clearly tell you that she is happy to be your friend."

Severus's logical mind agreed with this optimistic-sounding voice. Nymphadora Tonks was his friend. She let him sometimes even get away with calling her Nymphadora. Perhaps, she could be a light for him in his world of darkness. He could understand Nymphadora's longing to have children very well. Although he had vowed to end the Snape line with himself in his youth, for he didn't want to burden any child with the dark traits of his wretched father and himself, he longed to have a daughter or son in the last few years. He realized that this longing was reckless and foolish, for any child of his would have to follow the Dark Lord and would be mercilessly bullied for his parentage. If he thought logically about it, he knew that he couldn't juggle the duties of a family man with his spy duties, Death Eater Alter Ego and Potions Master role. Hell, he would endanger any child of his from the moment they were born. But the idea to have someone that loves you unconditionally, needs your love, parenting, and protection to grow into a self-independent intelligent happy child and shares your genes excited him.

It hunted his dreams for months, and while he couldn't be this hands-on dad to an adorable child, he had decided to donate his sperm to a sperm bank five months ago. Call it masculine role thinking, the fear to die without leaving anything behind or a selfish need to pass on genes, he wanted to have a child due to Muggle sciences. Naturally, he wouldn't get to know them, for he probably would be long dead when they reached their seventeenth birthday anyways, but he wanted to help a couple with fertility issues or a single woman to welcome a child into their lives. Therefore, he registered himself as sperm donor 5799 in the St. Mungo's sperm bank.

After a magical check-up of his health, sperm quality and scanning of his magical core, he donated four vials of his sperm, that he had to produce while embarrassingly masturbating to a magical induced erotic dream of some faceless curvaceous redhead, filled out an anonymous information sheet that disclosed his basic information – physical traits, age, blood status, profession, hobbies – to the mum-to-be and underwent the Identity-Verifying Spell that produced a file with his personal information – name, date of birth, place of birth, address, blood status, family history, medical history, Hogwarts history, profession, hobbies – including a picture that would be enclosed to his child if they wanted to know who their biological dad was at seventeen years. He permitted the sperm bank to use his sperm for one successful pregnancy and ticked to get informed by a successful in-vitro fertilization. He doubted that he would hear from the Fertility Clinic again, for some female client needed to have a high compatibility with his magical signature to secure an easy-going pregnancy. He couldn't imagine that there was some woman out there who shared most of his magical signature and wanted to use in-vitro fertilization to get pregnant.

His buzzing sounds were interrupted by a crash on his window. Some ruddy barn owl bumped its head against his window to deliver a message to him. "These devilish rats of the air are a real nuisance. They are too stupid to not nearly kill themselves on your window and too rude to not attack you on the spot for your tardiness. Merlin, I must have some owl goodies somewhere to tranquilize this feather ball," he ranted in his thoughts. He quickly searched his cupboards for some goodies, went to the window, opened it, extracted a cream-colored envelope from its sharp beak and fed it with his goodies while trying to not be cut by its sharp claws. After shooing the insufferable owl out of his home, he searched for the adressor on his envelope. His eyes widened. It was from the St. Mungo's Fertility Clinic. He opened the letter with shaking hands and read:

"Dear sperm donor 5799,

we are happy to inform you that your sperm was successfully used in an in-vitro fertilization. A single female client, who had a 90% compatibility with your magical signature, is currently 3 weeks pregnant with twins. If everything goes according to plan, you will be a dad of twins in nine months. We will keep you informed about their birth date.

As you have permitted us to only use your sperm for one successful in-vitro fertilization and birth, we will store your sperm sample in a blocked register for nine months. When your twins will be born, we will destroy your sperm sample once for all. If our female client should miscarry, we will put your sperm sample back into our register.

We thank you for your sperm donation because it makes a dream come true for one woman. We hope that our news lightens up your day and that everything will proceed as planned.

Kind regards,

Dr. Helena Rosenstein

(Certificated gynecologist and female Healer)"

Severus couldn't believe it. Somewhere out there was a single mum who had a 90% match with his magical signature and carried his twins. He would be a dad of twins come May. Although he felt a warm feeling spread through his veins, it was extinguished by one realization. He would have to murder Albus Dumbledore roughly one month after the birth of his twins. Sometimes life could really be hell.