So this chapter may have some M content and somethings I share on a personal personal level. I wish you to respect me and my decision for what I did in this chapter and do not judge too harshly. Thank you, otherwise I hope you enjoy reading this chapter.

"Hi Laura, is there any chance you are free for the wedding? If so, I was wondering how much you charge for the "wedding march" music. If you're not free that's fine too, but I figured I would ask you first since we are familiar and I am aware of your musical talent from witnessing it myself! :)" I received the text over Facebook on the 23rd of September after I finished streaming for the night. It was for a couple in the community. They were young and had been together for about 8 years and their love was something I wish I could have. This would be the first wedding I will ever official be playing for so of course I replied back saying, of course as a yes as they had been announcing their wedding to the church for the past few weeks. When I would get to work on Tuesday my next day at work I would go and find the music, in the meantime making sure I had a back up copy online to see if I had it.

There wedding would be Tuesday October 16th, and I couldn't wait for it! A wedding that I would be playing for whoo-hoo! It was going to be exciting, the last time I played for a "wedding" was not even remotely professionally done and this one would be! Plus it would be in a different denomination than what I grew up with so that in itself would differ.

So a few days later I went to work and looked up "Here Comes the Bride" and realized that I did indeed have the music which was great! Because now I didn't have to buy it online or try and find it for free online. I also had doubled check on Sunday to make sure Trumpet Voluntary in D Major was okay as the Postlude and she had confirmed that it was absolutely beautiful and perfect. So I grabbed those pieces of music and my binder of music for Sunday and got to work before duet handbells would take place at 4pm.

Time seemed to fly by fast and before I knew it it was the night of the wedding. I arrived about an hour earlier than usual and got ready for the wedding. I dressed formally but I didn't have any colors of the wedding so I just wore my usual black outfit top and bottom since I really didn't own anything else that was professional. It felt very awkward at first because I just sat there and there was no pre-service music, but it didn't matter. Soon it was time for me to play Here Comes the Bride and I did and by the time I finished it they were both at the altar. It was perfect timing.

I realized something though as the ceremony kept going on. I was up sitting at the organ and I was by myself. I didn't have a wedding buddy. I didn't have a partner. I was single as fuck. I had no dates for years, hadn't been with my last relationship which was 3 years ago. And I was sitting at this wedding. With no one. Trying not to think about it I thought about their love that they shared, and then the vows came. Tears came from both of them. And I tried not to cry, trying to be professional, and sides if I started crying I wouldn't be able to read the postlude music. The sermon came and the priest she talked about love, how special it was to have, how amazing it was to have that partner you could love and trust for the rest of your life. This was the hardest part. I was still at the organ, and I was sitting stiffly. I was uncomfortable, not because I could potentially be stared at because I was sitting just behind the priest, but because I had no one. I took the nook inbetween my thumb and first finger and pinched as hard as I could to keep from crying, my heart was aching by this point and I couldn't feel anything but pain. Usually the place on the hand you applied pressure to get rid of a headache. For me it was to try and get rid of heartache and not start crying right in front of everyone.

I changed hands as she droned on and on about how great love is, how awesome their relationship will be for the rest of their lives. I was single. For four fucking years. I dug deeper and almost let out a gasp. Tears almost came to my eyes because of the pain I was starting to feel in my palms as well as my heart. It hurt so bad I just wanted to scream out gasping for breath. But I kept my mouth shut and my eyes glossy. Finally which seemed forever she finished the sermon. They had a bit of communion and then exchanged rings, I don't really remember the order I was still pinching myself as hard as I could. I glanced down there were claw like finger marks on the insides of my hands. I did't break skin, but I might as well have. Eventually they started walking out and I played the postlude. As I finished the last note a tear was shed. And I could barely breathe.

The unfortunate thing was I couldn't just leave to go home, they were having an after party potluck and of course I had to stay. So I quickly rushed back to my office shut my door and cried. I sat down at my desk chair and cried for at least 5 minutes. Heaving and breathing harshly. Tears flowing out my eyes as if it was the most natural thing to do. I was so hurt. I was single, and I have never experienced that sort of love before. I just felt like dying, but soon I would have to go downstairs. I put away my outfit I wore quickly, went to the bathroom and went downstairs with a fake smile on my face. It wasn't the first time in my life I've had to fake a smile.

I came downstairs and there was food everywhere. I went and sat down by a few people who came to the ceremony and waited until the food was ready to be dug into. But I wasn't that hungry. Not really anyways. But if I didn't eat, people would definitely notice I wasn't eating. So I got up and got a bunch of food on my plate as if I was the happiest person to be here, but I wasn't. Every once in a while I heard the congratulations from across the basement and I refrained from cringing and crying. It was killing me to be here. But I stayed.

Soon they were opening gifts. And by this time I had finished my plate so I got up and walked over to a chair closer to the "showing of the gifts" and watched them open up their gifts. I didn't get them anything because I didn't even think of it until it was too late, and I really didn't have much money myself living on a tight budget as this job was only part-time. So I figured just playing music for them and them underpaying me was a fine gift itself. I laughed at the joke gifts, I happily fake smiled at what they received, and I pretended I was as happy as they were feeling. But in the meantime inside my body, my heart was getting worse and worse to bear. I knew I would have to leave soon or I was going to break down crying in front of everyone this time and not just to my desk. So I grabbed my coat and my backpack told them congrats one more time and they thanked me again for the music and I stuffed in my earphones for my iPod and I walked out of the church headed for home. This is when I had cried the most walking home from the church and also the hardest as I couldn't see I was blinded by tears, as well as I couldn't breathe as I was gasping for air trying to clutch my chest and my heart trying to keep them and all of it together. I was dying.

Later that night I went to bed early, not even feeling like streaming on YouTube even though I usually did, my excuse was that it was because the wedding had happened. But as I laid in bed I felt miserable, I was alone, nobody to snuggle with tonight. I had no friends, no family, and most of all no relationship. I was alone, by myself, and really down. I decided to do something drastic. I leaned over in the darkness to my nightlamp and flipped it on. My eyes adjusted to the light and I saw the silver of the green handled knife I kept on my shelf right next to my bed. I smiled sitting up. Tonight I don't want to feel pain, I just want to see red, knowing I can still bleed.

I grabbed a tissue out of the box also on my shelf and grabbed my knife. It was rather dull so I took off my watch and on a sharp part of the watch I raked it against the blade of the knife sharpening it. I wasn't wanting the pain, only a sting tonight. Once I finished I took off my wristband on my left arm which was the logo of The Legend of Zelda and put that and the watch I wore on the hand on the shelf. I looked at my arm. Damn it was already basically healed from last time. The word "HATE" barely visible on my arm. Only slightly pink from the last time I had cut in the summer. It had been months since I did this, since I had felt so down. But today's wedding literally destroyed me. I shouldn't have gone, I shouldn't have done it, because it hurt too fucking much.

I took a deep breath, kissed the knife and got to work making sure I could feel every cut that went deep. I started with the "H". It seemed to cut more easily this time blood swelling up almost immediately as I tried cutting hard and deep. When I finished the H I moved onto the A. Then the T. Finally the E. By this time blood was swollen up so much it started having tear stains run down my arm. I took the tissue and patted at my arm, I think I would have to shower tomorrow. All this time my heart was not exactly happy, it just didn't feel anything. I'd take that over pain any day. After applying pressure for a few minutes with the tissue I cleaned the knife off kissed it and put it back on the shelf along with the bloody tissues. I then turned off the light and snuggled up under my covers. I kept my cut arm out in the open air just in case it was still bleeding it could clot. I didn't want to have bloody bed sheets and I fell asleep almost immediately for this process took about an hour long.

The next week passed by slow and fast at the same time, I was preparing myself for another concert that I would be accompanying for as it was my other job I had and I was so busy with my mind that I just told people I couldn't stream for the week. Saying I'm just too busy, that and my microphone was causing problems, people were saying that I kept cutting in and out as I tried to have a conversation with them so I just gave up and committed to ordering the Razer Siren X and it should be here within the following week. Sides I felt drained from streaming 6 days of the week. I might have to change how I stream. As for recording on my YouTube channel, I hadn't done that for a couple weeks and I ran out of footage, but there was no motivation or time to get any of that done. I was also depressed because there had been no bell choir rehearsal on Sunday night this week. So I didn't get to see or talk with Jane at all. Not like it mattered, she was taken anyways. Everybody was always taken. The ones I of course wanted. My depression was coming back, I could feel it, no matter how hard I didn't want it to come. I knew it would be coming.

When the concert came I was ready, I had learned the pieces very well in advance and I knew them by heart almost. They would be having the performance at the high school. And I was pretty happy for it. Least I wouldn't be playing on an electrical keyboard but a real one. I did the rehearsal with the kids at the middle school during the day and at night had the evening concert. It was an enjoyable concert, I just wished I had someone next to me enjoying it with me. My thoughts turned on Jane, what if she were here, would she would've wanted to come and listen to these kids sing? Well maybe so, maybe no.

This was also the first concert of the year with the new director. The previous director, Ash, I had fallen for so hard over the summer. I had finally accepted from the time she was my boss as her accompanist over last spring that I was gonna accept my feelings for her. And had over the summer, I even drew a picture of her, started writing a composition for her, write a story about her (kind of like this one), but once I finally opened my feelings she had told me she was moving out of the state with her then boyfriend. A few short days later she got engaged to him. I mean she had two kids, and I really wasn't looking for someone with kids, but I would've accepted hers, they were adorable and quite young. So the youngest boy probably would've considered me his mother. Even though I wasn't the one sexually involved. But it was too late, she had moved away. I had fallen for someone taken AGAIN. And I was back to square one of having no feelings. And this new director already had kids in high school and married for many years, so no spice there anyways. Which I was fine with. But I really missed Ash. Very much. She seemed to recognize me more as an accompanist and a person too. But it's fine I'm used to not getting recognized as being one. And this concert was no exception to that usual rule.

After the concert as I walked home from Shadle I was singing my heart out because it seemed that happy tunes came up in my playlist and I was pretty much screaming happiness out. But as soon as I entered the house and walked to my room. The sadness hit me like a brick. Back home. Alone. By myself. With no one. And this was only the beginning of a long journey of sadness, hate, and pain...

So sorry if this was a little too deep for people I did warn you! I would ask if you enjoyed? But this was a really sad chapter. And it only gets worse before it gets better. I'll be posting Chapter 4 up fairly soon. I really want to get back to the present like I am now. I'm just trying to quickly get through the past. Thanks for patience. Until next time: Happy viewing!?

LJ