I know it's been a few days since I've last written. Things happened in my life. Good things at first. But I need to write again. The feelings only have gotten stronger. If I write these down. Well I still have yet to get to the present time. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I really enjoyed writing this one. For this is one where my feelings start to happen. Enjoy!
A few weeks passed even further. And I was getting more and more sad, more and more depressed. A few days I would allow my cuts to be healed but then I would just cut deeper the next time. Soon the word 'HATE' would take over my wrist and there would be no way it would ever go away. I know it. But I didn't care. I didn't want to live anymore. Each day was more depressing. The weather was changing to be more chilly, more cold, and I didn't even feel the cold. I was numb all over. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't live. Every day I walked to and from work all I wanted to do was step in the street and get hit by a car and not feel anything anymore. I wanted to die. Nobody would miss me sides my parents I guess. I also pushed away from God. If he existed I would've been married by now. He was nothing to me anymore. I hated him. He doesn't exist. At all. There's no such thing as God. Only luck. And I never had any of that either.
It was now Sunday, November 18. The concert would be less than a month away. The concert for the bell choir I was a part of with Jane. That was another thing. Jane and I were more of friends now than acquaintanceship. And I wanted to see if she would add me on Facebook. It was only last week I had given her my gaming card and told her of my channel and Instagram. She quoted, "Don't mind me creepin on all your socials :'D. Hah" I mean I didn't mind. At least she took an interest. I didn't post anything bad much on there, course I was also true to myself. I usually posted more personal things on my Instagram and never on Facebook. If people on Facebook knew what I posted on Insta well that would be a field day after all. So I didn't mind for Jane to know the real me so to speak. And now tonight I would ask if she wanted to be Facebook friends. Take our relationship to the next level. I had known her about 2 months now so I don't think it was completely a bad idea.
Towards the end of the rehearsal I kept waiting for a right time to ask, but because the concert was less than a month away it was harder to find a time to ask the question but I finally asked her. "Hey Jane?"
"Yeah?"
"I know we are probably friends right? Can we be friends on Facebook, do you have a Facebook." Hey now. I didn't want to seem like I was stalkerish telling her I already knew she had one from the 2nd week of knowing her! So I tried keeping it cool seeming to be in the "unknown".
"Yeah I do."
"Okay. Well...would you?"
She giggled, "Sure."
I grinned big, if only she knew how much us being friends on Facebook meant to me. As soon as she said that I sent her the friend request. I wasn't gonna tell her when I sent it, she would figure it out soon enough. As rehearsal finished I of course did my usual watching her go first. Since my ride liked to stay until the end usually. As she left the room I sighed. This was such a bad idea. I was liking her. Alot. And that was a big no no. But I couldn't help it. She was SO beautiful. Sides, I could do friendship. That wasn't giving anything away. And I blame the fact I don't even know if I'm flirting with her or not because I haven't flirted with anyone for years. Haven't had any feelings for anyone for at least 3 years now.
Afterwords I walked out with the directors daughter to her car as we got in we talked small talk about stuff that doesn't matter in this story and once I got home I turned on the computer and got settled into just listening to music or watching Disney movies for the remainder of the night. I didn't stream on Sunday's and I was kind of burned out of playing video games. Hadn't played many games since I became depressed, just didn't have the energy and I would probably go to bed early. Mom was coming to pick me up for Thanksgiving Tuesday, I guess I would have to pretend to eat then...
I looked at my phone and saw she had accepted my friend request. Actually accepted it during rehearsal. I looked, it was 8:21 and she had accepted the friend request "59m" ago! Wow so she knew right away! I snapped a quick picture circled the fact she accepted my friend request and drew on a tongue face and then I sent it to her as the first message to my "new friend". Very soon she sent back a GIF basically saying Whoop Whoop! And I sent a tiger rock sticker back. This was going to be amazing! But alas I didn't want to seem too eager. So I just left it at that for the night. I was so happy! A friendship was formulating and I was SO happy!
Wednesday morning came super slow. I had on Monday posted another Instagram photo of a quote that felt so real, it was, "I keep it all inside because I'd rather the pain destroy me, than everyone else." True story. Because I was in pain, I was falling for someone taken, and I was trying not to. I was so sad and lonely that I couldn't do anything but pretend I was okay and smile and keep moving forward.
Mom and I got back to the city and that night I tagged along for the ride to their choir rehearsal afterwords there would be a wine & cheese thing going on at one of the members houses and I said hell yea to alcohol. I definitely needed to drink some to forget about a lot of things. Like the pain in my heart for instance. I was so miserable. And beating myself up about her. I shouldn't like her. But I did. She made me laugh, I made her laugh all the time at bells. I was happy, content. Just to be next to her side. It felt so right. It felt so good. And yet, there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing at all. And then I received a text from her. at 4:24. She wished me an early Thanksgiving, she says she's glad that I'm by her in the bell choir saying it makes it better. She invited me to a band concert happening on December 3rd that she was a part of and invited me to maybe join it for next semester. She said she was already drinking early for the holidays and so she was online and outgoing. She had seen my Instagram posts and she felt a tad concerned and said she understood going through shitty ass F bad times and her brother was going through it as well with a terrible year. She said that she was shy and quiet but if I needed someone to talk to she'd be there. She even asked if I played Pokemon Go and we could go for a walk some time. Wished me a last great Thanksgiving and that she'll see me on Sunday for the next rehearsal.
I didn't know what to think. I was so happy. She messaged me. Jane messaged me. I couldn't believe it. She reached out to me! She was paying attention to my Instagram! And she enjoyed standing next to me as I did! This was going to be amazing! A great start to the friendship! I would cherish this text forever if I could! So throughout the day into the rest of the night we talked. I learned more about her, and her more about me. I found out she loved hippos, the color yellow, she had a brother. She had 4 pets. I knew a lot of basic information. It was the best conversation I had with her ever and I was so happy. For the first time in years I had feelings again. At the time I didn't think anything on it. I knew I liked her, but she was taken, I couldn't, but part of me just was selfish and kept wanting to talk to her.
I knew she was in a relationship but how close was she to this guy of 5 years? Throughout the night she sometimes said, "our". But when I asked her what she was doing that night she said, "I'm just drinking alone tonight." Like okay, so does she live alone? And only sometimes he comes over and stays? Maybe their relationship is distant. Maybe it's faltering. Maybe it's a boring relationship with no juice left. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. There was a chance. But alas I had no clue about him, I never met the dude. I didn't know their relationship. How strong it was, and everybody's relationships were different. I just didn't know what to think. But as our conversation kept going I kept messaging.
When the choir ended we went to the wine place. She had said she would've invited me to her house and I said I would go back to it, but she didn't want to make the drive back to my parents house as it was a 45 min drive and being drunk is a big no no. So I was saddened and then the wine happened and I drank 3 glasses before my mom said that was my last one. I was a bit pissy, but at least I couldn't feel my heart anymore. And I was texting Jane the entire time even telling her I managed to get some alcohol after all. We even started playing this game in the Facebook app called Battleship and I kept whooping her butt. Hmm I felt like the challenge was there, but I seemed dominating, at least I knew I would ask her more questions and get to know her more as we even played a game against each other.
Wednesday night was so amazing. One of the best nights I had in a very long time texting her. And soon deeper into the night I noticed she finally passed out on me. I didn't receive any more texts from her and I was saddened but today had been a really good day to connect more and learn more about this mysterious beautiful woman who stood next to me in bell choir. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face, a happy heart, and a dream I dreamt that I hadn't had for several years.
The week passed by and we kept talking, she wasn't working this week and so we got to learn about each other alot more and it was nice to actually have a friend responding all the time. We kept playing Battleship and even started a pool game as well, which she beat me on that one. It was amazing. Thanksgiving came and went and soon I was back home waiting for Sunday's rehearsal. Since she had beaten me in a few of the game apps I had given her my first promise I would give her something for beating me, she said she didn't need anything but I had ignored her comment. I would give her the world if I could. I was really starting to like her that much. And so come Sunday I gave her 8 pieces of chocolate, 4 milk chocolate and 4 dark chocolate mini bars from a package of candy I got the week after Halloween. I still had the chocolate because I hadn't eaten for weeks and so I still had it in my bedroom and I wasn't eating it, and she said she loved chocolate so what better way to get rid of it but give it to her.
Her eyes had gotten big at rehearsal when she saw the candy, she had giggled saying, "Zeenz you really shouldn't have."
"I wanted to Jane. Take it, you won those games fair and square and I always keep my promises." She had smiled after that and I was grinning like a kid at Christmas because I made her so happy. And to think though we only had one more rehearsal before our major concert on the 8th of December. And then we wouldn't have bells start up again until January, that would be such a sad time for me. Not having any guarantee I would be seeing Jane every week. It would be torture. And I knew it was coming. I just didn't know how much and how fast I would fall for her in the next few weeks. We are almost to present day and this is where it becomes one of the most challenging things I've ever had to do in my life. But if I had any say in it. I would be her friend forever and never stop. There was just one problem. My emotions always get out of control, and I was treading some mighty thin ice. Any second it would break and I'd plunge into the icy depths never to resurface out of either embarrassment or truth. I would learn that soon over the course of the next few weeks...
Thank you for reading, I couldn't sleep at all hardly last night and I just needed to wake up early and write this next chapter. The chapter after this will probably be super long because I'm going to be very detailed as it will be pretty much the most recent thing happening in my life. And I want to cherish the memories of *ahem "Jane" as long as I can. I can't wait to write it, it may be even tonight who knows. But I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope to see you back for the next chapter. Thank you for listening to my irl. It helps to get my feelings and words down on pages even if no one reads them. :)