I hope you've been enjoying reading this story! Well so far everything in it is truthful! As much as my memory serves at least! We are in the same month now as far as the timeline goes! We are catching up! And soon I'll be able to add my spice of life as fantasy and just take it from there, but without further ado. Here's to another chapter! Enjoy!

I was super excited come time to get picked up for bell choir rehearsal. I would be seeing Jane the next TWO days! Straight! Tonight I would see her for the final bell choir rehearsal before the concert on Saturday and tomorrow night was the band concert she had invited me to just a few weeks ago. I was so happy! I also had been making her Christmas present. The hook rug. And I had finished it last night. But before I finished all of it I had put a secret message into it. On the face of the rug I took a green marker, which was also my favorite color and wrote the words in all capital letters, "I LOVE YOU JANE." Right on the face of it. And then I put the yarn over the top of the hidden message. Just so that every time she looked at the rug, or touched it. She would be "seeing" those words but not actually seeing those words. I had looked on the back and unless you knew what you were looking for you couldn't tell there was any secret message at all. I felt pretty proud of myself. I didn't know if I loved her yet, but I sure as hell liked her a lot, and who knows by the time Christmas rolled around I probably will have fallen in love with her.

As I finished it I wrapped it it wrapping paper and then wrote her a letter to put onto the package. It took me about half an hour to write, but it came from my heart:

Jane-

Roses are red
Violets are blue
This is a gift
I made especially for you!

This next gift is something I picked out myself
Not knowing whether you preferred handmade or bought
I hope you don't mind it's wrapped up in green.
But maybe you'll find something inside you've seen?

I know my poem is cheesy and weird
But I used to like writing them, and not out of fear.
So I hope you have a Christmas that surely is sweet,
For all I could ask for is having a best friend to complete.

-Tiger Girl

Zeenz Sasn

I knew best friend was something we weren't yet, but who knows maybe by Christmas we would be, I just didn't know. All I knew is I wanted to put as much love as I could into the poem without her knowing it. But I made sure that best friend didn't say lover. That might make it awkward, but I wrote the letter in cursive and closed it up with a ribbon that was green tiger stripes my mom had found years ago at a thrift store for me. I had never thought of using the ribbon before until now. And it seemed perfect. The other gift well, I had bought it weeks ago, barely just learning about her, I kinda hoped she opened that one first as I bought it on a whim, but I guess she would probably tell me in the weeks to come.

All too slow it finally rolled around to going to rehearsal, we would be moving all the bells and tables and pads into the sanctuary for rehearsal and so we started doing that. Of course I still wasn't eating very much still. I hadn't eaten anything all day, but I still managed to scarcely carry up the giant bell cases up the flight of stairs to the sanctuary the whole time I was watching out for Jane. But she still hadn't shown up yet. I was getting worried. I had set out all the bells turned her music to the first piece got her station ready before I set up mine. And still she hadn't come yet. I hoped she would be here. She had said that because the band concert was the next night they had a dress rehearsal, but I really hoped she would come to bells rather than go to that.

Just as I was about my most worried I saw her. She walked in with a plate of something in her hands and her keys. And my God. She was beautiful. She was wearing a sweater, a yellow sweater that had a pattern like ^^^^^ going across her chest. It looked like a Christmas sweater and DAMN did it fit her. The past few weeks she had been wearing athletic type of material which she also looked good in, but tonight. She looked even more beautiful. Maybe it was because we had spent most of the night on Friday together and so I liked her even more, or the fact I had just written on the hook rug, "I love you Jane." Either way, everyone else in the room seemed to disappear and if anyone had been talking to me. My conversation stopped and I just stared at her. She seemed to stand awkwardly for a couple seconds next to the director before saying

"Hey guys I made fudge for tonight, just something for a snack if you want some on break or something."

FUDGE. Okay I really did love her! And then I remembered that I had stopped basically eating. But to be polite I'll have at least one. Sides, I didn't want to make myself sick eating fudge as my only food for the day or feel like a hog if I ate her entire plate. Which alone I would totally do. Everybody seemed to acknowledge her and I watched as she came up. I smiled, "Hey Jane. Fudge eh?"

She smiled, "Yeah. I think it got burned a bit since our microwave doesn't work. But it should be edible enough."

"I'm sure it tastes just fine. I love fudge!"

"That's good."

Rehearsal passed by way too quickly. But every chance I could get I would look at Jane, Barbara next to her was a talker and so most of the time I just looked over to "listen to Barbara" but really it was just to take in Jane. The sweater, god, she looked so perfect. I wish I could just take her hand kiss it and bow to her. She looked so good. And the jeans she wore with the sweater just made her seem like she was glowing. I was glowing in other ways. I knew that Friday brought us closer. And more hangouts like that we would be good friends. I just hoped we could do one soon again.

As I watched Jane I realized that I indeed was falling in love with her. I wanted to kiss her, make her laugh, touch her, hold her, hear her heartbeat, and listen to every single word she said to me. I hated myself for it. But this night if it wasn't for the fact that it could've happened on Friday, but tonight I finally accepted the fact that yes. I was in love with Jane. Not was. Is. I am. Not only do I love Jane. But I'm IN love with her. And when my heart loved someone, it loved them hard and fast, but long too. The last time I let my feelings get to me was with Ash, but before that this kind of excitement, this kind of crush that I had hadn't been since my catfish person 4 years previously. But with Jane. This was no crush. I'm a 24 year old woman, completely grown up and have had "crushes" all my life. No this was me in love, because no matter what happened. I would never break up Jane's relationship. Or at the very least mean to. I wanted her to be happy in life. Even if I had to stay on the sidelines and hurt myself over her. I wanted her so bad, but I knew being friends first and foremost was I wanted.

But her dressed up tonight made me realize three things. 1) She was the most beautiful woman in the room and every time I saw her I lost my breathing, I forgot about anybody else in the room and anything that I was saying was lost into silence. 2) I would do anything and everything for her, if she needed money I would provide, if she wanted to hang out I'd cancel anything I was doing right then and go to her, if she needed someone to talk to, I was always there no matter what it took, I would be there. 3) I was completely 5000% in love with Jane Hansson, I loved her more than I loved anyone and I knew keeping it secret would just make me fall even more in love with her over the weeks, months, years that would pass. I wanted her. Every part of her. I wanted to feel her lips against mine, whisper in her ear to send chills down her spine. I wanted to touch her wrap her up in my arms and never let go. When she shivered I would be the heater I am and warm her up. I wanted to be her sole protector. Like a tiger to it's cub. I would growl at her attackers and purr in her chest when she scratched behind my ears and I wanted to feel her heartbeat against my ears. Lie with her and snuggle her. I wanted to kiss every freckle she had, every hair on her body. I would even just take sitting next to her, feeling her warmth to mine and be with her forever to the end of all days, in marriage, having kids, grandkids, and living to have great grandkids. I was in love with Jane Hansson and I wasn't going to stop.

Well that is unless I was rejected by her. If that ever happened. I would spiral out into darkness again and I would try to crawl and eventually would, only to do the same with another. But that day has yet to come and I hoped it never would. And she was still in a relationship. I would never interfere, it's part of the reason I'm writing this story of our life, at first it was to just let my emotions out so that they could always be kept locked away and never uttered to her in person. And my writing my life to you guys helps release tension I would otherwise have built up. But enough about me, this story is about Jane.

So after rehearsal I got yet another ride home, this time from the daughter of the director and I even mentioned to her that it's so hard to be in love with someone you can't have. She asked how so and I told her I said the woman I was in love with was in a 5 year relationship with someone else. She had just said that sucked. But I told her, if she knew Jane at all she would know exactly who I was talking about, but I don't think they really had much of a friendship at all so I felt pretty safe to say those words to at least someone out there who potentially might've listened.

The next day passed by slowly once again as I anticipated Jane coming to get me for the concert. It was dark out by the time she finally did. And as she had told me she had a brief solo I gave her a couple more pieces of chocolate I still hadn't really touched them, and I maybe had a bowl of cereal for the day, so at least I knew she would eat them. It was the longest car ride by far and I loved all of it. We talked about the concert and I told her that I would probably want to join for the following semester, it seemed like a lot of fun. All to soon we arrived at the college and it was when I saw her in her all black outfit. Damn she looked stunning too. She had a 3/4 length black top, black pants, and wore black flats. She had put her hair up in a ponytail, but I still thought she looked beautiful. I held my tongue though, I figured I probably shouldn't say that out loud as we walked to the building.

At first we stood next to each other. I knew she had to go warm up but I didn't want her to go, I wanted to walk with her if anything, make sure she got there in time, and stand at her side until I had to let her go, but I figured that wouldn't be necessary so as she walked one way down the hall with all the other musicians I walked the other way smiling to myself. I wondered if her boyfriend would even show up. Did he even care to be at her concert? Or would he just want to stay at home and watch Family Guy. I knew that if I was with her, not only would I be a part of the band next semester but I would've wanted to come this early just for support. If I was her girlfriend, no matter how early she had to be here I would be to. I even told her tonight I would sit in the very front row cheering her on. I wouldn't shout and scream though I would want to. The only thing I was missing was the bouquet of flowers and a rose in my mouth. I think that would've been too obvious of the fact that I was in love with her though. That and if her boyfriend did show up it would just be weird. So I purchased my ticket $5 and walked in the room. The money was worth it if I got to see Jane the entire night and stare at her without her really seeing me because of the lights, though I didn't want to stare too long in fear of her boyfriend showing up and watching my every move.

The concert started out with African drumming and I had noticed that the band students and community members were sitting in the audience. I was in the front row and I watched for Jane, but I never saw her. She must've been sitting with him. I know it, but I just didn't want to think about that. The first half of the concert went fairly well and I enjoyed myself. Wishing Jane was sitting next to me and I would be holding her hand. Squeezing it three times after every piece. But I just had to dream that part up. Finally it was the band's turn and each person that came out on stage to get ready I watched for Jane. Finally I found her and indeed as she said she was on the very end playing her euphonium. And now that there was light on her she looked even more beautiful. God. I really was falling for her so hard.

During the concert I watched her as much as I dared, afraid not only if her boyfriend was watching me, if he was there, but also if she could see my eyes. I wasn't sure if she could or not, and I didn't want to make things awkward if she caught me starting at her, but I so wanted to. I watched her eyes, the way she breathed, her mouth. her hands on her valves. Everything she did was just mesmerizing for me. And every time I did watch her everyone else in the band faded and I could only hear her. I did hear her playing, there were two euphoniums but I could tell the difference and it was just so amazing to just be here. Ugh I was so in trouble... I am in love with her.

After the concert finished. I said to myself, "Good job Jane. You were amazing." And I then walked back out to where we had split up before the concert as I was leaving the concert hall I did see her boyfriend. He was sitting many rows behind me on the end. I waved at him and he smiled and waved back. Inside I died a little. He was so damn lucky to have her. SO damn lucky. As I walked to the place we split I saw her waiting to get into the room with all the cases she was just standing there not talking to anyone and I watched her, she never turned around, but I knew it was her, her hair was distinguishable and I would be able to recognize it forever. Finally the room must've opened and she went inside with the crowd around her. I hope she was doing alright. She was a very introverted person and so being surrounded by a lot of people. I hope she was doing alright. Of course it was only for a few more minutes then we would be on our way home. Well to my house and then hers.

Few minutes passed and I watched out for her boyfriend. He never came back to say congrats, or anything. It's like he just up and just left. Like what the fuck? I mean I guess they live together, but even if I lived with her I would've wanted to go backstage and get her autograph, actually she had a solo tonight so it'd be a perfect opportunity for me to get her signature. So I can feel it and think her hand was writing this every time I looked at it. Eventually she came out with her instrument and we headed for her car. I told her she did amazing and I could hear her. We talked about music and before I knew it we were outside of my house already.

"Do you have a pen? Or a pencil?" I asked looking around.

"Why?"

"Your autograph, when you become famous I can tell people I was your first autograph fan!"

"Oh I don't know maybe if you see one."

I looked around but couldn't find anything, "Damn, well Saturday I'll bring the program and you're going to sign it."

She chuckled, "Sure."

I wished her goodnight and to text me she got home safely as I waved goodbye. I watched as she drove away until I could no longer see her and I walked into the house happy. It was another good night. Two in a row. So perfect. And there was no doubt in my mind, I was joining that band, not only to get my chops ready for the following homecoming at my former university, but also because guaranteed starting in January I would be seeing Jane 2 nights a week. And two nights in a row a week at that.

The next few days were the complete opposite however. Saturday was going to take forever just to come. And the next few days were torture for me. Seeing Jane two nights in a row plus the previous Friday. Were so much happy times, but now it would be 5 days until I saw her again. And it affected me greatly. Every time I tried not texting her I did. I wanted to so bad. I kept blaming myself apologizing that I wanted to. She kept telling me to stop saying sorry but I felt bad about it. I really truly stopped eating all together. When I walked to work on Wednesday morning I hadn't eaten for 43 hours. I just didn't feel hungry anymore. I was in love with someone I couldn't have and I had nobody to talk to. But as I arrived at work I had almost passed out, I even think that the secretary thought something was up, I knew how depressed I was, I hated it, but I hated myself more that I loved someone I knew I shouldn't. It always happened to me. And I never got any release from it. Each day was agonizing. Finally after sending a bunch of messages back and forth at one point I texted Jane saying,

"I'm starting to fall hard for a girl in a relationship and there's nothing I can do about it. As this is the 3rd time this has happened to me. All women I potentially think something happens out of something just stop talking to me. I've asked my parents over and over again about arranged marriage because it the only way now. XD I've "unfollowed" so many people on Facebook because I always see their perfect relationship families. And I'm still single. Been single for 3 years haven't had sex for 4. It's why I'm not eating. Maybe I'm too fat. So I'm trying to lose weight. I stream now to only pass the time and pretend I'm happy girl. When down inside it kills me to stream because I'm just not in the mood. Even just now the secretary came into the sanctuary because she saw me almost pass out in front of her before I ate that bar asking if I was okay. I just bluntly lied to her saying I was fine. Because if she which she sometimes has a mouth as far as can't keep secrets go. If she or my boss knew I was depressed I might as well be looking for a new job. They don't want someone like me leading worship. I stupidly looked to sick when I entered the building. I can't do that too many more times or I may as well be fired. Course then. I'll def have a reason to just leave this fucked up world. And Jane. I would will want to talk to you everyday. You're the glue that is keeping me alive with my broken heart and pieces. Your friendship to me is everything right now. You have no idea. I'm like a kid at Christmas when I get a message from you. You are holding onto me in this world right now. Seriously. And I thank you for that. It's why I text you every day and can't hold back. I need my glue. I need someone or something to live for and you are that person right now. There's a reason I joined bells. There's a reason I told our director I preferred playing low bells. And there was a reason you stand next to me in that choir. You were there and are there. And I needed that. The moment you walked through that door the first night I got chills. Somebody younger than me just walked through that door. She's standing next to me. What's her name? What do I say? Where she from? Is she United Methodist? Will she be my friend? Does she go to school here? Is she single? What made her join bells? Is she on Facebook? Does she play any other instruments? Is she in other groups? Does she love video games? And many many more questions were running through my head that first night. I was such in shock that night to see somebody potentially younger than me and not over 50 in bell choir or under 18. I'm sorry if this is ALOt to take in but it's all true. Please don't disappear now. I don't think I can handle anybody else leaving me. Oh and don't move away. I've made friends here and 3 months later their like. "Oh I'm moving out of town." I'm like wtf we just became friends. So sorry I typed and essay to you just now. I just wanted to tell you everything. You're the glue to my pieces. And you may not realize it but every message I get. The glue for me gets stronger. And soon I'll have a mended heart again. Damn. I've never been this deep to any previous "friends" before. I'm sorry but truly. THANK YOU.

After I sent that message we talked back and forth a bit more. But there was one thing that changed that Wednesday. I told her. I loved someone or falling for someone in a relationship. And as far as my heart is concerned unless she was a very smart woman which I believe she is. I just told her I liked her. My brain was thinking however that I really didn't, I kept texting to try and not have the focal point be on the fact that I just told her, but I told her secretly. And something inside of me flipped. It wasn't immediately, but by that night. I was no longer depressed. I was actually crying happily on my way home from work, because she was my glue keeping me alive right now. She was the reason I didn't want to leave this world yet. I loved her. And I basically just told her right up front I did. But as far as my brain knew, I didn't tell her a single thing. Just my heart thought I did. So I was that happy medium. And I felt a release. I was no longer depressed. Just sad! And that in itself was so perfect!

The next day was better than the previous couple of days but still pretty bad. I texted Jane as much as I could and after awhile she didn't reply back at 2:03pm she was debating whether or not to work out and invited me along. I immediately said yes of course and ended the stream, thinking it would be within the next couple of hours. She wanted to make sure I had some protein because she worked out hard and didn't want me to pass out. So I had some cottage cheese and then even gave a picture as proof. I showered and got dressed and I was ready within minutes. Well we actually didn't work out closer to 5pm for she got out of work late and so it took her a bit to get back home, change, and then come and pick me up.

But this hanging out was completely unexpected and I was super excited! This was the 3rd time I've seen her this week! And I will see her again on Saturday. This really is a good week! That and I told her I liked her, and she didn't know it. It was so perfect!

When we arrived at Planet Fitness I was extremely nervous, this was my first time in a gym and I didn't know what the procedure was, or what was going on. They had me sign my name and luckily because I was just her friend I would just be free. I wondered why her boyfriend never came to work out with her until I remembered seeing him the previous Friday sprawled on the couch doing nothing, yeah I don't see him ever coming with her. Which was a good thing, because I'm her partner here. We come together and leave together. It may not be a romantic partner but I told her in the car that hey, she needed the motivation which I have, and I needed the partner to go with because I didn't want to go alone, and that was her. Together we made a perfect match. She had smiled and nodded in agreement. Hey! I would take it! I had said partner and she didn't deflect me from the word, so I felt pretty good about it.

We first warmed up with legs and I don't remember what the device was called but it felt like walking, just strangely, and no it wasn't a treadmill! And then we walked over to this "30 min session" area. It had steps in an arc and behind most of the steps was a different workout station device thing. At first I was extremely confused but then slowly got used to it. I had Jane go first so I had not only the good excuse to watch her, but also to figure out what the hell these devices did at all. Each station worked a different part of your body. And I seemed to be doing pretty well. The last time I truly worked out was months ago in the summer, but this was so much more intense!

Throughout working out I watched Jane as much as I dared, even sweaty, working out, and listening to me blab I still got her to smile sometimes. I was tired but I just kept pushing myself, I was here with Jane, I would and will workout with her as long as she did. I loved being with her. To me it seemed a more intimate setting. I mean usually when people dated, they didn't want their "potential" partners to watch them sweat and workout. But for me I didn't mind. She looked cute in her leggings and tank top. And admittingly at one point I got really dizzy. I had to take a breather and drink some more water because I felt like I was lightheaded. I had just finished doing leg workouts on the floor one leg up to my chest the other out with my hands on the floor in a push up position. And I had gone as fast as I could almost like running on the ground. I think I had pushed myself a little much on that.

But afterwords walking outside we were both really hot and I was no longer chilly as we got back into the car and she took me over to the church for scottish country dancing. Which I did every Thursday night. I tried inviting her to come in, but she said she was going to pick up dinner for her and her boyfriend. I was a little saddened by this I was so close to getting her to be my dance partner. But she said she found it interesting and might do it in January. Hopefully by that point if I didn't talk about it for the next few months she might join. And if she comes. I would be her "male" dance partner. Lead her and have all the reasons in the world to touch her hand as intimately as I could. But I would have to wait for that day to come when I finally could get her to come. And anyways I wouldn't always be her partner. We always traded partners in dancing all the time, but I just know she would enjoy it. It was so much fun in itself!

After I got back home after dancing I was so tired. I had almost crashed at the church even because I was so tired. But it was worth it. I got to be with Jane another night and it hadn't even been planned. I only hoped that she would want to hang out again soon. Because being with her for only about 7 hours was not enough time for a week not to see her. I loved her and this week had been amazing thus far. I couldn't wait until Saturday! This week was one of the best weeks of my life!

Well well well. That was a long chapter I'd say! My goal was to get to the bell choir concert, but that would just take up like 2,000 more words since I have a lot to say about concert night as well! So I'll save it for the next chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading! I spent a lot of time just writing and my memories came back in full swing because as I said in the story, this has been one my most impactfull and best weeks of my life. And I just had remembered basically everything. Thank you for reading! Until next time! So close to catching up to present day! :D Happy viewing!