Hey guys, thank you for carrying on reading! I know I haven't had a very reliable upload schedule and I will try my best to make that better but I don't think I'll be able to because I've got a lot of school work and stuff like that. Comment if you have any ideas or constructive criticism, or if you just want to say that I am amazing *nervous laugh*
Disclaimer-Sadly I don't own THG. Sad times isn't it?
"Oh, I didn't mean to. Wouldn't want to take away all the pain would I?" These words reverberate in my head. What happens if Prim or my mother sees this, they'll know this was no clumsy mishap. If they're still alive that is. Snow will probably take this out on one of my loved ones. I wonder which one he'll take out first. I doubt he would be stupid enough to kill them all because then I'd be like Haymitch, a person with nothing to lose.
Madge bursts in and gasps when she sees me. She rushes over and gives me a hug which makes me wince.
"Oh Katniss, I heard it but I didn't think it would be this bad."
"It doesn't even matter. I asked him to stop so he called Snow and said I wasn't doing what he had asked. Snow's going to kill someone in my family! And it'll be my fault!" I sob into her shoulder.
"We need to go down to lunch. Don't let him see you in pain. Don't let him win." So I do just that. Madge helps me get dressed and I walk down without as much as a wince and with my head held high.
"Madge, I heard you play the piano, do many people here play the piano?" Asks Achilles.
"Well not many people have a piano here." I think Madge is the only person in the whole district with a piano.
"Oh, I suppose not. I was very impressed with you during the games." He says in his stupid accent, turning to me
"Thank you."
"I was particularly amazed when you figured out how you made Cato fall off the cornucopia." Does he have no tact? Madge is shooting me apologetic glances from across the table.
"That was actually Peeta who did that." I say a bit too sharply
"I'm very sorry about him. I'm sure he was a pleasant young man." I'm annoyed that he just brushes Peeta off like that. He was so much more than just a 'pleasant young man.' I have to bite my cheek to stop me from saying that and more.
We finish lunch and just as Achilles is leading me out Caligula says, "Don't worry; she's nicely broken in now." Even Achilles looks at him in disgust but hides it quickly. The Mayor gives me a sympathetic look and walks out with Caligula. Madge gives Achilles a scathing look behind his back and walks out.
Achilles and I walk upstairs and I lie on the bed at his request and he takes off my clothes. He looks in shock at my bruised and battered body.
"Caligula must have got carried away with you. He does like to take them hard and fast."
He thumbs my clit for a bit and then pushes into me. It hurts a lot less than when Caligula did it but I think that it is because he did it slowly. He reaches his climax and I do shortly after and then he just lies down next to me, panting.
"You know, my job as a game maker was to make the mutts. So I made the wolf like creatures. They're actually called werewolves and they're from old books." So this is the dick that made Cato's death agonizing and horrific.
"You're very talented." I manage to choke out
"I've never seen anybody as talented as you with a bow. You did scare the living daylights out of me, shooting at that pig. I'm very glad you did though. It was worth it to see Plutarch landing in that bowl of punch." He gives a laugh and I do, following his lead.
"I've always been really interested in the History of Panem, particularly about the rebellion. I really like to look deeper into the motives behind why the districts rebelled in the first place." Why would he care about that? Doesn't the Capitol just tell them that we rebelled for no reason?
"I remember wishing that I was allowed to bet, because if I was, I would bet on you." Cinna said that exact thing to me but he's looking at me like there's supposed to be some deeper meaning behind it.
He carries on for ages. Its 2:30 by the time he says, "We'd better go now."
He pulls on his neatly folded suit and disappears. Madge instantly rushes in.
"Katniss, how do you feel?"
"I feel so dirty Madge."
"Why don't you go take a shower?"
I'm in the shower for ages, trying to scrub of the dirt that never seems to disappear. I want to go straight to my house to take Prim away but I know that if Snow wants her dead, she's going to be gone by morning. I decide to just go to the woods and try to make it up to Gale since I'm going to be late and there's nothing I can do to stop one of my family members having an accident.
I rush out to the woods after telling Madge that I don't want to talk at the moment. I think she saw right through it but understands anyways.
I see Gale sitting on a rock, staring into the hills. I know he's heard me but he isn't saying anything.
"Hey" He just turns his head away. "What's your problem?"
"I've been waiting here all afternoon, that's my problem." He says angrily.
"Look, I'm sorry." He gives a disbelieving snort. "I thought I was showing around Snow, but instead there were some VIPs from the Capitol, and they just had to meet the famous Katniss Everdeen."
"And of course these VIPs just happened to be men."
"Gale-" I admonish
"I saw the way they were throwing themselves at you! Do you think I'm too stupid to see what was going on? You get called on so called, Capitol business and then Finnick Odair comes strolling into 12, with you!"
"You know I hated that just as much as you did?" He turns away. "You do believe me right?"
"I would've, if I hadn't seen the kiss." I want to strangle him. He's angry at me for being forced to be a whore.
"You have no idea what my life is like anymore!" I chuck a rock with my force and sink to my knees, tears in my eyes.
"Then tell me." Gale says tenderly.
"I can't." He kneels beside me and puts his arm around me.
"Since when did we keep secrets from each other?"
"Since Prim's name got called."
"Catnip, you know you can still talk to me, right?"
"Not about everything. Not anymore."
"Is that why you were talking to Odair?" He sneers when he says 'Odair'.
"Pretty much."
"Why not Haymitch?" He challenges.
"Because Haymitch won 24 years ago and he's also never been as popular as me or Finnick."
"What does popularity have to do with it?"
"A lot."
"So you'd rather talk to pretty boy Odair than me?" He says angrily
"Gale! Have you ever killed someone? Have you ever seen the light leave their eyes and know that somewhere someone is crying for them?"
"Katniss, you did what you had to-"
"Yeah, and you never had to. I talk to Finnick because he's just as messed up as me."
"Katniss, you're not messed up."
"You know I am. That's what all of us victors have in common. I talk to Finnick because he's one of the few people who know exactly what it's like."
"Katniss, please trust me when I say, you're not messed up. You're like any of them-"
"What do you mean any of them? You think it's their fault that they're like that. I bet you think that Haymitch chose to be a drunk. If I'd been through what he'd been through, I would be."
"Katniss, but you can't be a drunk. Prim and your mother need you. I need you."
"All of your lives would be better if I'd just died in that damn arena."
"Katniss, I don't know what I'd do if you hadn't come back."
"Whatever, let's get back. Sorry that you didn't get anything today. Would you like to come to supper with the kids and your mum?" I say dismissively
"Sure. I think they'd like that."
We head back under the fence and all I can think about are those stupid things Gale said. How can he think that I can talk to him about everything now? He'd go over the edge and try to storm the Capitol if he found out what I was forced to do. He'd end up killing himself. Each step sends shoots of pain up my body but I think I hide it well.
I am pulled back to sharp reality when I see Haymitch looking particularly grim. I run to him and collapse into him, all pain forgotten.
"Who is it?"
"I'm so sorry Katniss-"
"I have to know. Who?" I see Prim walk out sobbing into Hazelle and I know who.
"It's mum, isn't it?" I sob into him. His silence is affirmative. "Shit! Shit, shit, shit!" I push past him and even as Prim extends her arms to embrace me, tears rushing down her face, I push her out of my way. My mind is almost numb. All I can think is that it's my fault. It's my fault! I see a chair in my way and I smash it against the floor. I push the table, screeching. As I try to smash everything in this damn house I here Prim say, "What's the matter with her? When dad died she was just silent for days. She's never like this."
"You don't want to know. Hazelle can you take Prim with you for a couple of hours? Katniss won't be able to deal with her on her own just yet. Can you just wait until I've calmed her down" Haymitch says gruffly.
"But she needs help. Prim needs her as well."
"The only help she can get is from media can't explain it, but please just let me deal with her."
"Okay. I don't know why I'm doing this, but fine."
"But I want to be with Katniss." I hear Prim sob. I want to get to her but I can't. I'm lying surrounded by fragments of furniture. I want to get up, but I can't. It's like someone is holding me down.
"Prim, I'm so sorry, but Katniss can't deal with anything right now, okay?"
"She'd never leave me! Haymitch, what's the matter with her?"
"I'm so sorry, but you have to go to the Hawthorne's for a bit. I'm sure Katniss wants to be with you, she just can't at the moment." That is the nicest thing I've ever heard him say.
"O-okay" Prim sniffles. I can hear them walk away and all my heart wants to follow, but I can't. I don't know why.
"Hawthorne, don't you think of going in there!" He must be talking to Gale. I'm glad; I don't want to deal with Gale at the moment.
"But I can help her." He protests
"No, you can't."
"You don't know anything about her Abernathy." He growls
"Nor do you. You don't know anything about the new Katniss. I'm sure you would be able to comfort Katniss Everdeen. You can't comfort the Girl on Fire."
"Sure as hell I can. They're the same person aren't they?"
"Not really. They intertwine, but the girl you would be dealing with in there is the one that you will never understand, because you've been lucky enough to have never gone into an arena."
"Get out of my way." Gale snarls.
"Go home because if you try to go in there I'll show you why I'm a victor! Go back home, for Prim. She needs you right now. "
"No she doesn't! She needs Katniss! I'm going to go in and find the old Katniss! The one that wouldn't bang some Capitol dick for the fun of it-" I hear a fist connecting with bone and flesh and hear Gale cry out.
"Never, ever say that again Hawthorne! If you ever say that again I will rip your throat out! Go home before I make you!"
"Fine you sick drunk!" I hear Gale stomping away and then I hear Haymitch walk inches comes and picks me up. He's surprisingly strong for his age and he soon has me in a chair in my room.
"What happened?" He says rubbing circles on my back.
"It was...it was Caligula Crane." I hiccup. "He wanted...he wanted payback because I killed his dad. Snow blamed him for my trick with the flowers and Rue, so he killed him. Caligula...he…hit me...he kept on hurting me...he made me...he made me..." I sob
"I know sweetheart, I know."
"Then he kept on hitting me and asked if I liked it...I said yes because I had to...so he hit me more! He asked again and I said no because it hurt so much...and he...he...called Snow and told him that I...that I didn't let him even get close to me! It's my fault!" I start sobbing uncontrollably.
"Sweetheart, Snow usually kills one of the victor's family members as a warning. He probably sent Crane specifically to hurt you. So that you'd never forget your...your first. I hoped he wouldn't, but he did."
"How did she..."
"The peacekeepers say she tried to attack them and the gun went off by accident. Other witnesses said she was gunned down walking into town."
He holds me for a long time and eventually I have calmed down enough to say, "I need to go to Prim."
"Okay. I'll clean this up while you're gone, okay?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Just so you know, your boyfriend might not be too keen on me at the moment. I kind of punched him."
"I know. He deserved it though. Except that's not really fair, because I thought the same thing about Finnick until I won."
"I know. You can't tell him though. Boy's got a hot temper."
" , thanks Haymitch."
"Don't worry. I've had to go through this too. I figured I didn't want you to end up being my drinking partner."
I nod my head and tiptoe through that pieces of furniture littering the floor.
Hazelle envelops me in hug when she sees me approaching.
"Thank you so much for looking after Prim. Do you think you could become Prim's guardian, because I'll be going to the Capitol a lot and she can't end up in the community home? I would ask Haymitch but he also has to mentor."
"Don't worry about time and Haymitch will sort it out, after I've had words with him." She frowns.
"Gale deserved it you know." I shoot back
"I'm sure he did. I just want to know what he did to deserve it, so I can have words with him about what he did."
"Thanks."
"Katniss, I just want to say that I know that your life has changed because of those games and if you ever need help coping with anything, you can come to me. I owe that to your mum. She was such a good women. I know that you never forgave her for giving up after your father died, but she couldn't help it. She loved him so much." She's crying and I'm crying and she's holding me as she half carries me into her house.
Gale pulls me into a hug but I push him away. "Katniss?"
"You had no right to say those things about me! You don't know anything about me!" Hazelle looks shocked and Gale looks as if he's been punched.
"Katniss, I didn't mean that. I was angry with what I saw you doing with that Capitol prick and then Abernathy didn't let me in to talk to you. I just wanted to shock him, that's all."
"You acted like we're a couple; you've never once even asked if I loved you! You never once said that you loved me!"
"Katniss, I-"
"Katniss? What's going on?" Prim says meekly. I rush over and hug her with all my might.
"I'm so sorry that I left you. I wanted to come to you, but I-"
"Just couldn't. I know Katniss." She says softly. "Just like mum. I wanted to do the same thing when Clove got you."
" you want to go home now?"
"Yeah. I just can't believe she's gone. I just can't." Tears roll down her cheeks.
"I know. Let's go home."
Prim starts sobbing by the time we're entering the Victors Village. The first thing we see when we enter the kitchen is my mother's dead body, surrounded by flowers. Just like I did for Rue. I'm nearly sick. I killed her! I killed her! Snow did this to punish me! I want to be sick but instead I say in a choked voice.
"Why don't you go upstairs?"
"Katniss, you can't stay down here alone." Prim pleads, tears rushing down her face at the sight of my mother's body, riddled with bullet wounds.
"Please Prim. I need to be alone." Prim seems to think she understands so she gives me a kiss on the forehead and heads upstairs. I just stand there, staring at my mother's corpse.
Being a victor is destroying my life. Gale's going to hate me, he wants to be in a relationship with me, and instead he's going to see me with hundreds of lovers instead of him. He's going to think I'm a whore. But isn't that what I am? Snow's whore.
Prim's going to hate me for always going to the Capitol to spend time with men rather than with her. Not knowing that I'm only doing this for her. I should have been the one to kiss her on the head in comfort, not the other way.
I see the liquor cupboard, fully stocked and I can't help myself. It helps Haymitch dull the pain, so surely it should for me too. I grab a bottle of the white liquor that Haymitch always drinks and take a swig. I cough and splutter like there's no tomorrow as it burns down my throat. It feels like fire, but I like it. It seems to burn away the present.
"Katniss, are you okay?" I here Prim calls down.
"Yeah!" I rasp
"You sure?"
"Yeah!" I take another swig, and another, and another. Everything seems to swim, but it means that I can't see the body. Instead I can see blonde hair and blue eyes. I hear my mostly empty bottle as I realise it's Peeta.
"Katniss, you have to go to bed, you can't drink, and you'll kill yourself!" I hear him say in Prim's voice.
"Fine!" I snap as I stagger upstairs. At one point I fall over on the stairs and I think I start bleeding and Peeta tries to drag me up, but he's nowhere near as strong as he used to be. Maybe death did some weird things to him. He actually seems a lot smaller than he used to be, he also has really long hair for a boy. It's only a couple of inches above his waist.
I collapsed into my bed and immediately pass out.
I jump up after I get freezing water dumped on me.
"Katniss!" The shout sends a throb of pain through my skull and I can eventually make out Prim.
"Here, take this." She shoves two pills into my hand. I do and immediately sober up. I realise I am naked and instantly pull my blanket around myself. Shit! She must have seen the-
"What happened to you Katniss?" Prim says sternly.
"I got drunk?"
"I know you did. Why are you so bruised?"
"I must have got them when I was destroying everything."
"But nothing on your hands? And you have a grope marks. I heard about you and those Capitol men. Katniss, you're only sixteen-" The thought that she's acting like mum sends shots of pain through my chest.
"Maybe, but I lost any chance of saying I'm still a girl when the first canon went off in that arena."
"But it's not healthy. You could get pregnant."
"No I couldn't, they were both wearing condoms."
"But you still came back bruised. That isn't healthy."
"It helps, okay Prim! Sometimes I just can't handle everything." I hope I sound convincing. "I promise I'll look out for you. I'll be there for you from now on."
"Just stop this." She pleads.
"I can't."
Sorry for killing off Katniss' mum! I knew that one of her family members had to go and it couldn't be Gale or Prim because of the story line, so Katniss' mother it was. If yo have any suggestions for what you want next, do comment. Until next chapter,which will hopefully be soon,
TAN