My philosophy teacher singing Doors during class like:

"Into this world we're thrown

like a dog without a bone~"

Then *clenching fists*:

"THIS IS PURE EXISTENTIALISM!"

Chapter 4

After his awful dream he hadn't been able to find any more sleep. It wasn't like Izaya wasn't tired or anything - he was indeed tired as fuck - but every time he closed his eyes, those crimson slits dripping with inhumanity and the devilish grin of his own image were haunting him.

Going into the bathroom he even checked his own face inside the mirror. Scrutinizing his eyes - especially their color - he inspected if they were really looking like the ones in his nightmare.

He remembered them clearly - eyes red as blood, piercing and shining in the dark like glowing rubies.

Now that he compared them, he noticed that his own were a bit darker, not crimson but more in the color of rust. Next to that, he couldn't really imagine his own eyes glowing in the night like reddish lanterns. Checking them in the mirror, they seemed pretty normal he thought and not so devilish- well compared to the eyes of other people they were still special.

- but now he knew: that thing from his dream definitely wasn't him.

Izaya sighed in relief when he came to the conclusion that he didn't look like that monster from his nightmare.

Slowly he made his way out of the bathroom and went to his desk in front of the big window.

Sitting down he turned the pc on. It's blue light was underlining the black shadows under his eyes, when he searched for the chat room.

Kanra has logged in.

Kanra: Hey, anybody there?~

Taro Tanaka: Good morning, Kanra! How are you feeling today?

Kanra: Awww, just fine! Thanks for the concern, Taro-chan~ I'm so flustered now~~

Bakyura: That's not really the answer, I expected. Especially from you!

Kanra: Ouch! That hurts! What have you just discussed that Baku-chan is so mean this early already?

Setton: Didn't you hear?! It seems Mairu and Kururi Orihara had been kidnapped!

Kanra: Ah, I heard of that! Are there already some hints yet by any chance?

Taro Tanaka: A bunch of people is looking for them, but they haven't found out anything yet.

Saika: I'm sorry ...

Izaya exhaled sadly, when he read this. He was sure that everyone did his best to find out something, but there weren't any results yet.

Though the first call had received him just yesterday, this whole thing felt to him as if it had taken years already.

It was taking every strength of his body.

He couldn't sleep.

He couldn't eat.

He couldn't close his eyes without hearing his sisters scream.

He couldn't even think clearly.

Suddenly the raven's eyes widened in surprise, when a message popped up at his screen noting a private chat.

Taro Tanaka: I'm sorry that I didn't find out anything yet.

Kanra: It's ok. I know that you are doing what you can.

Taro Tanaka: Yes. Please call me when you need any help. No one should be alone in a situation like that.

Kanra: Don't worry. I'm fine.

Izaya knew that Mikado was just worrying about him, but he couldn't endure that pity anymore. Well after the day before, he could clearly understand why those guys were so concerned about him, but still -

they should be concerned about his sisters - not him.

Noticing that there was no reason in any further discussion with the others the Informant closed the private chat.

Kanra: Sorry, guys! I still have things to do! See you later then!

Kanra has logged out.

He didn't even wait for the last messages.

Since his dream his head was hurting, the screen light making it now grow to an almost unbearable headache. When the pc turned off and only his black reflection was meeting the raven, he hoped that it would finally ease - but no - his headache rather increased.

He winced in pain closing his eyes. It almost felt as if something was pressing against his skull from the inside making him unable to form any thoughts.

Sitting there with a little headache making him suffer like this, he had to think of his sisters and what they had to endure right now.

The sole thought that the pain his sisters had to endure was definitely worse than this, made him notice again how useless he was.

Right now, Izaya Orihara couldn't do anything else than sit and wait.

Wait for the others to find answers-

Wait for the kidnappers to call-

Wait for the twins' screams to reach him again-

The raven bit into his lower lip to suppress the depressing feeling that was rising inside him again.

He didn't even have any clue, why someone would kidnap his sisters.

He wondered if it was someone they had provoked, but then again he thought that those guys had asked for money - his money to be explicit - making him highly wonder, who the fuck could know something about the amount of money he was gaining from his more or less suspicious job.

Well, of course there was Namie (but Namie would never do something like that, he was sure of), then most of his clients were rather insignificant people and he was sure, that those weren't able to do something like this -

And then there was the yakuza.

The thought that the kidnapping of the twins could have something to do with the yakuza let Izaya gulp with uneasiness.

The most guys he knew of the yakuza - Shiki or Akabayashi - were dangerous, no question, but they would never do something like kidnapping his innocent sisters for money.

But then again-

It could still be someone Izaya didn't know, but who was nonetheless engaged with the yakuza in some way.

But wasn't the yakuza highly infiltrated by Saika?

Then Anri Sonohara would have already found out something, right?

Sighing and still bothered by his hurting head, Izaya went into the kitchen.

After pouring himself a glass of water he laid down on the brownish couch in his living room.

Placing one arm on his eyes, the raven suddenly remembered the day before-

when that beast had brought him home and had gently put one hand above his head.

Izaya blushed when he remembered how good the warm hand had felt- making him feel guarded and safe.

Stupid Shizu-chan... he thought, blushing even more when he also remembered the embarrassing fact that he had cried in front of the blond.

Only now thinking about what had happened he put one and one together and understood that the man must have done it out of pity: bringing him home and gently touching him like this.

Izaya knew that he must have given a pitiful image, but that still didn't give the brute any right to feel sympathetic for him.

"This monster shouldn't act so human."He mumbled to himself. His face froze at the very moment, the thought was formed into words.

Otherwise I'll appear to be the bigger monster between us. The raven thought ironically remembering the last words he had said to the blond.

I will kill them.

Thinking about it now, the raven didn't even know, what had come into him at that moment. He just knew, that he was suddenly overwhelmed by hatred for the guys that were hurting his sisters - that he couldn't control himself anymore. All other feelings and thoughts were dragged out of his body and were replaced by wrath.

He had often felt anger for some of his beloved humans but never before had he felt wrath - no, Izaya Orihara had never wished to kill someone from the bottom of his heart.

Therefore his love for humans was way too enormous.

Even Shizuo Heiwajima - who was a nuisance, he had to admit - had never managed to create such a dark feeling inside his chest.

Strange ... the raven thought.

It was probably the fact that Shizuo had never done anything bad to those who were precious to him, that the blond had never managed to enrage the Informant like this.

It was the beast's unpredictability that made him either feel annoyed or amused by the man's actions.

He could just never be sure what the blond would do next and that made every encounter with him so thrilling for the raven.

Then again, he noticed that Shizuo had indeed stormed off pretty fast at their last encounter, making the raven wonder if he had daunted the blond with his words.

After saying something like that he couldn't really blame him, but Izaya knew that Shizuo would be indeed a great help with his inhuman strength - maybe not now but at least when they were to meet the kidnappers.

He actually felt a little depressed by the thought, that the monster could let him alone in a situation like this.

Izaya was already so vulnerable at a time like this, where he had lost every little bit of control. Being all alone with this burden would clearly destroy him.

But then this feeling was replaced and a smile was quickly marking his face again.

After all beasts like Shizu-chan aren't easy to be daunted anyway~ he chuckled.

The raven was pulled out of his thoughts, when he suddenly heard the sound of his doorbell.

Sighing that he wasn't really in the mood for a visitor now, Izaya made his way to the front door.

Shizuo Heiwajima was pissed.

And he had a really understandable reason for that.

No, he wasn't pissed about the fact that he hadn't slept at all.

And he wasn't pissed either because the reason for his lack of sleep was a crying flea, who somehow never left his mind.

And it also wasn't the fact that he felt the strong need to rush over to mentioned raven and look if he was alright.

No, it was none of that.

Shizuo Heiwajima was pissed that he -after hours of brooding- still didn't know how to help the flea and his sisters. He couldn't think of anything that he could do.

The blond didn't have many connections to any significant people. And he wasn't skilled at finding someone either.

All that brought him to the conclusion that all Shizuo Heiwajima was good at was: running around and destroy things.

He was fucking useless in any other matter. Right now he couldn't do anything to help the sisters get rescued or to ease the flea's pain.

And that pissed him off.

It had begun with Izaya constantly being on his mind after their last encounter.

At first Shizuo couldn't make any sense of Izaya's last words.

But after a while, he understood that the raven was in a situation that cost him all his strength making him most probably act in a way he couldn't understand himself.

It meant that the flea was for once not putting on a poker face (which was that annoying grin) but showed his real feelings towards Shizuo.

With that the blond felt ashamed about the way he had just stormed off and left Izaya alone.

Shizuo felt already angry because of his own weakness - that he couldn't help the raven - that' s why he couldn't understand how Izaya could have still been so calm the last time they met.

Of course, the raven had cried and had said some real scary things, but after a while Shizuo thought that he himself would have already turned the city upside down - with force of course - if this would involve his brother.

He was constantly trying to understand how Izaya could endure this pain and it made him worry about the raven the more this continued.

After the things Izaya had said, Shizuo feared that the Informant could do something stupid, but after all he didn't know Izaya well enough to assume anything.

At least not well enough to guess what the raven would do in such a situation.

Feeling angry, depressed and helpless Shizuo decided to visit Shinra.

The doctor was the one who had called everyone for help, because - let's be honest - Izaya would have never done it according to his pride. Therefore the doctor would know if there were any results yet.

Next to that Shinra was most probably the only one Izaya considered a friend, though Shizuo wasn't too sure of the relationship between the raven and Kadota.

The blond ignored the little flare of jealousy that rose inside his chest and continued his walk.

His inner turmoil caused him to go through the streets very eager, almost enraged, making most people step aside a few meters, when they felt the frightening aura around the debt collector.

Shizuo couldn't understand how his helplessness made him feel so guilty towards the raven.

He didn't owe the flea or his sisters anything. It was more the opposite! So why was this all making him feel so upset and concerned?

Reaching Shinra's apartment he knocked the door with a strength, that he almost feared to put a hole into it, but to his relief it stayed in one piece.

It didn't took long for the doctor to open the door.

"Oh, Shizuo. I didn't expect to see you that fast again. Is there something I can do for you?" he asked showing the blond to come in with a swift movement of his hand.

"Not really. I just wanted to ask ... if there are any good news yet?" Shizuo replied brushing awkwardly with one hand through his hair while stepping in.

"No, sorry. So far I didn't hear anything." Shinra answered a sad expression appearing on his face.

When Shizuo entered the living room, Celty was sitting there at the big desk greeting him happily.

The blond took a place opposite her not really knowing how to broach his concern.

[Are you ok, Shizuo? You don't look good.] Celty wrote on her PDA and showed in to him making his heart feel a little sting.

She shouldn't be worried about him.

Making Celty be concerned about him made him feel even more guilty.

"No, don't worry. I'm fine. I just wanted to ask you two something." he gave as reply, causing Shinra to look at him in surprise, when the doctor sat down with a cup of coffee next to the dullahan.

"Sure, what is it that you want to know?" the doctor replied friendly.

"Say, Shinra ... have you ever seen Izaya like that?"

Shizuo coughed slightly in embarrassment.

"I mean ... have you ever seen him crying?"

Shinra's eyes widened slightly, but then a soft smile was quickly covering his face again.

"No, this was the first time." he replied neutrally taking a sip of his coffee.

Shizuo's jaw dropped a little. He couldn't believe his ears.

So yesterday had indeed been the first time ... that Izaya had cried in front of someone else?

This couldn't be, right ? That the flea was indeed able to show emotions, had been proved the day before. Shizuo couldn't imagine, that the raven had never showed emotions like that to someone else. If not Shinra, then maybe there were other friends Shizuo didn't know of, or his parents, or his sisters-

Shizuo wondered. Izaya seemed to have a deep bond to his sisters. He used to think that Izaya and his sisters hated each other - with Mairu and Kururi going on that he could just kill the flea or Izaya saying that he didn't really cared about them.

But that was apparently not the truth.

"It's indeed strange, right?" the doctor said pushing Shizuo out of his thoughts.

"What?"

"For Izaya to show emotions." Shinra explained. He put his cup back on the desk and faced the blond with a serious expression. He had noticed Shizuo's pondering look.

"Listen, Shizuo. I know you think that Izaya is an evil bastard and you're most probably right with that but that doesn't mean that he has no feelings. Izaya is just not showing them so often, because of his fear to get hurt. However, for his sisters that is different. Their parents were often abroad and force Izaya to take care of them causing them to get a really deep bond."

Shizuo was listening carefully absorbing every word the doctor said.

"And this bond is in no way inferior to the one you and Kasuka have."

The last words were forcing a sad expression on Shizuo's face when he lowered his gaze to the top of the desk. Whenever he had to put himself into Izaya's situation his brain didn't seem to work anymore.

At first thoughts would start racing in his head making him weigh up all the possibilities of what he would do - of what he could do - but then after a while only sadness and anger would be left and Shizuo would need to suppress the urge to ram his fist into the next wall.

Putting himself into Izaya's shoes wasn't an easy thing.

"I want to ... help him" the blond suddenly whispered causing a genuine smile to appear on Shinra's face.

"I figured as much this morning." the doctor said, making the blond raise his gaze in surprise.

"I saw how worried you was. I was really surprised. Until now I thought you hated Izaya, so why are you so worried about him?"

The question caused Shizuo to blush.

"How shall I know?! I guess I just don't want to see the flea cry again!"

His answer sounded more desperately than he actually wanted to, making him blush even darker.

"Yeah, me neither." Shinra just replied giggling already presuming what was going on between those two.

"Anyway..." Shizuo said suddenly- a sad tone now marking his voice. "It's not like there's anything I can do for him."

The doctor's eyes widened in astonishment at the sincere sound of Shizuo's voice.

"What do you mean?"

"Compared to the others I can't really do anything to help find the twins. I'm absolutely useless." Shizuo replied sadly lowering his gaze again.

Suddenly a pair of hands grabbed his one's along the desk forcing him to look up, when Celty shoved her PDA in Shizuo's face.

[Don't say that! You're not useless!]

"Of course I am. Or do you know of anything I could do to help?"

"Well, you could take care of Izaya." the doctor suddenly replied causing the other two to look stunned into his direction.

"What?!" Shizuo shouted loudly just at the moment Celty was writing the very same question on her PDA.

"Well, I just mean that Izaya needs help now. You probably don't know Izaya good enough for that, but he can't handle situations where he doesn't have the control and tends to do something stupid. Who else would be able to stop him in a situation like that than you?" the doctor explained smiling -knowing exactly what strings he was pulling at.

The blond already wanted to shout how stupid the idea was, but then he remembered how Izaya had behaved the time before and stayed silent.

He was still doubting how long he could endure to stay in one room with the flea, but their last goodbye had made him wonder, if Izaya was indeed going to do something stupid.

Like killing the kidnappers, but then Shizuo thought, that the raven would have to know where the kidnappers were for that and he highly doubted that Izaya knew it yet.

Then again, Izaya's breakdown had caused another fear soar inside his head-

That the raven could try to hurt himself.

Or do at least something stupid that would end in hurting himself.

Hearing Shinra say things like that now, that it could indeed be possible that Izaya was doing something totally insane, made the worry inside his chest rise sky high.

And wasn't Shinra right?

If Izaya really wanted to do something who else would be able to stop him but him?

Without even saying goodbye, Shizuo stood up from his seat and rushed out of the apartment leaving Shinra and Celty in astonishment.

Still staring after the blond Shinra suddenly began to giggle happily.

[What is so funny now?] Celty wrote on the PDA after a while.

"Ah, didn't you notice, my heart?"

[Didn't I notice what?]

"I always thought that I was crazy, but it seems my assumptions had been right from the very beginning. Maybe this will finally put Ikebukuro to peace."

["Put Ikebukuro to peace"? What are you talking about?]

"Love, Celty. I'm talking about love."

And with that he pressed a small kiss on his girlfriend's hand before going to the kitchen for pouring him another cup of coffee.

Shizuo had left Shinra's and Celty's apartment more eagerly than he had intended to.

But the way Izaya had acted before and Shinra's words had him almost driven insane by worry.

He didn't even know when the last time had been that he had hurried so much to a place. But he had managed to reach Izaya's apartment in only a few minutes.

Standing in front of the door Shizuo almost just kicked it down, but he succeeded in calming himself down before doing so.

This wasn't what he wanted Izaya to see of him now.

For once the raven should see his friendly side and not the monster Izaya stated him as.

Taking a deep breath he pressed the doorbell two times, hearing clearly it's sound on the inside.

Relief was taking him over when the raven opened the door and the blond couldn't prevent a smile from spreading over his face.

"Hey, flea."

shinra was shipping shizaya ALL ALONG ! I KNEW IT! *o*

figured that you'd like to read more before waiting such a long time ! :) (actually writing my other story was so depressing that I quickly had to write something else xD)

You still have to wait for the fluffy part though tehe :D