Chapter 20: Family Feud
Waynes vs Queens
(There's no POV in this chapter)
"I'm your host, Steve Harvey and it's time to play Family Feud: Celebrity Edition!"
Audience claps and cheers.
"Tonight, we have the Wayne family of Gotham competing against the Queen family of Star City. The family that wins will donate their winnings to their selected charity! So let's meet our two families. First up is the Wayne Family!"
Steve heads over to Bruce and shakes his hand.
"How are you, Bruce?"
"I'm doing well." Bruce replies.
"Introduce the rest of your family to the audience."
"These are my sons: Richard, Jason, Timothy, and Damian. And finally, this is Alfred, my adopted father."
Audience claps and cheers before Steve heads over to meet the Queens.
"And how are you, Oliver?"
"Fine. How are you, Steve?"
"I can't complain. Introduce us to your family."
"This is my wife Dinah. Then we have three of our children: Roy, Artemis, and Mia. And finally, my mother-in-law, Dinah."
"Alright. Let's play Family Fued! Give me Bruce! Give me Oliver!"
Bruce and Oliver head over and shake hands.
Steve reads, "Alright here we go. We surveyed 100 men. The top five answers are on the board. Name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."
Ollie hits the buzzer first.
"Her funeral!"
"Did you not just say that your mother-in-law was right over there?" Steve asks.
"Well… It's nothing against my mother-in-law. Other people might have said it."
"Alright then… Her funeral!" Steve announces.
Answer shows up as the top fourth answer.
Steve looks at Bruce and says, "Alright Bruce, name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."
"Out to dinner."
Answer shows up as the top second answer.
"That was the number two answer. Do you wanna pass or play?"
"We're going to play, Steve."
Bruce takes his place and Steve heads over to Richard.
"Richard, tell me something about yourself."
"I was valedictorian of Gotham Academy and I now attend Gotham University."
"That's good. Name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."
"I'm gonna say out to a circus."
An X pops up on the screen as all the fangirls in the audience cry.
"Alright Jason, name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."
"A bar."
"And how old are you?"
"Eighteen. I mean, I have to listen to her bitch about me all night, I might as well be drunk."
"Uh huh… To a bar!"
An X pops up on the screen as Steve moves down to Tim.
"And how old are you?"
"Twelve."
"Twelve! I mean, of course you are. I was definitely not thinking seven. Anyway, name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."
"To her house."
Answer shows up as the number one answer. Audience claps and cheers.
"Damian, you have to be careful. Your family has two strikes. If you miss, the Queen family can steal. Name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."
"A retirement home."
Answer shows up as the top fifth answer. Audience claps and cheers.
"Alfred, for the win, name a place where you would willingly take your mother-in-law."
"To see a film."
"To see a movie!" Steve shouts as the answer shows up on the screen.
Audience claps and cheers.
"Alright the Wayne family cleared the board! Give me Dinah! Give me Richard!"
Audience claps and cheers as the two shake hands and get ready.
"Answers are doubled this round. We surveyed 100 married women. The top four answers are on the board. Name something your husband wears to bed."
Dinah yells out, "Nothing!"
Answer shows up as the number one answer. Audience claps and cheers.
"I'm assuming that's coming from your husband's experience… You gonna pass or play, Dinah?" Steve asks.
"We're going to play!"
Steve heads on over and shakes Roy's hand.
"Roy, name something your husband wears to bed."
"Boxers."
Answer shows up as the top second answer as he heads over to Artemis.
"And how old are you, Artemis?"
"Thirteen."
"Alright. I don't expect you to know this… but name something your husband wears to bed."
Artemis answers, "Pajamas."
Answer shows up as the top third answer as Steve heads over to Mia.
"Mia, name something your husband wears to bed."
"Clothes?"
An X pops up on the screen as Steve moves down to Dinah Drake.
"I'm assuming you're Dinah's mother."
"I am." She proudly responds.
"I can see the resemblance… Yall even got the same name."
She pauses before replying, "Well… It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"I'm sure it did. Alright, Mrs. Dinah, name something your husband wears to bed."
"Condoms."
Steve just stares at her for a minute before asking, "What man needs a condom to sleep?"
"Well… It helps when you're-"
"There are children present!"
"But-"
"That's enough! Show me condom!"
Shows up as the remaining answer. Steve just throws his card into the air and walks away.
"What part of family feud do these people not understand?" Steve asks quietly as he shakes his head. "Give me Jason! Give me Roy!"
Audience claps and cheers as the two shake hands and get ready.
"Alright boys, here we go. Top five answers are on the board. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing… with his nuts."
Both Jason and Roy swap dirty looks before Jason hits the buzzer.
"Playing with them!"
Steve just stares at Jason and quietly mumbles his response. An X pops up on the screen as Steve turns to Roy who is smirking evilly.
"Oh God… If you people would have just saw the look this boy just gave me… Sometimes you just know what's coming. Alright son, this is a family show and your little sisters, mother, and grandmother are over there. Keep it clean. Then again, I'm talking to a boy whose father can't wait to drive his mother-in-law to the cemetery… Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."
"Licking them!"
Steve groans before shouting, "Licking them!"
Shows up as the second answer as eating them.
Steve shakes his head and mumbles, "Because licking and eating is the same thing... Yall gonna pass or play?"
"We're going to pass Steve." Roy replies as Steve heads back over to the Waynes.
"Alright Timothy. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."
"Storing them." Tim says.
Answer shows up as the number one answer. Audience claps and cheers.
"Wow! That was the number one answer! You've gotten both the number one answers for your family." Steve says as Tim shrugs.
"It's not like it's hard." He replies before Steve moves on to Damian.
"Damian, name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."
Damian pauses for a moment before replying, "Father won't allow me to keep any squirrels in the manor… However, I know they would transport nuts with their cheeks."
Steve stares at Damian for a minute before saying, "Fills his cheeks!"
Answer shows up as the top third answer as Steve heads over to Alfred.
"Alfred, you have no strikes. There are two answers left on the board. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."
"Finding them?"
An X pops up on the screen as Steve turns back to Bruce.
"Bruce, it's back to you. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."
"Losing them, Steve." Bruce answers calmly as his family yells out, "Good answer!"
"Losing them!" Steve shouts as an X shows up on the board.
"Alright Mr. Valedictorian, you have to be careful. Your family has two strikes. The Queen family could steal. Tell me something a squirrel does with his nuts."
"Throws them at people?"
Steve stares at Richard and shakes his head as he mutters, "It's a good thing he's attractive… Throws them at people!"
An X pops up on the screen as Steve heads over to Artemis.
"Artemis, if you get this answer right, we'll go to sudden death for the game. Name something you might see a squirrel at the park doing with his nuts."
"Cracking them open!" she shouts.
Answer shows up as the top fourth answer as audience claps.
"Let's see number five!" Steve shouts.
Scratching them flashes across the board.
"For the game… Give me Tim and Artemis!"
Audience claps and cheers as the two shake hands and get ready.
"For this survey, we are asking for the top answer. Whoever gets this one answer will win the game… Name a superhero-"
Artemis buzzes in first and screams, "Batman!"
Answer shows up as top answer. The Queens start jumping up and down as the Waynes just stand there in shock as Steve shakes their hands.
"Alright folks, we're going to play fast money! I need two of you!" Steve yells as Dinah and Dinah run up. "Alright folks! Mother and daughter are playing!"
Dinah Drake heads backstage while her daughter stands next to Steve.
"I'm going to ask you five questions in twenty seconds. If you can't think of anything just say pass. If you and your mother can get two hundred points, your charity will receive the full amount of money. You ready, Mrs. Queen?"
"Ready!"
"Here we go. Twenty seconds on the clock please. Name something that is bigger on your body now than it was at sixteen."
"Boobs."
"During what months pregnancy does a woman began to look pregnant?"
"September."
Steve just stops and automatically starts laughing as he drops to the floor. Dinah turns red as she starts laughing as well. The timer hits zero as Steve manages to regain composure.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! We're gonna restart the clock from where it was with the third question. You ready?"
"I'm ready."
"Name something that's better than being rich."
"Poor! Aw shi*!"
"Name something a teenaged boy can do for hours at the time."
"Masturbate."
"Name something Russia's famous for."
"Russians."
The timer hits zero as Steve starts laughing.
"Oh damn… It's a good thing you're pretty. Turn around and we'll see how you did."
Boobs… 22 points.
September… 0 points.
Poor… 0 points.
Masturbate… 28 points.
Russians… 13 points.
"Well… You did better than I expected. You got 63 points. Join your family and we'll bring your mother out."
Dinah heads over to join her family as her mother comes out.
"How did my precious baby do, Steve?"
"You need 137 points, Mrs. Drake."
"Oh… No problem!"
"I'm going to ask you the same five questions. If you duplicate any of the answers you'll hear a buzzing sound. You have twenty-five seconds on the clock. Ready?"
"Ready."
"Here we go. Name something that is bigger on your body now than it was at sixteen."
"Penis."
Steve just stops and automatically starts laughing as he drops to the floor. Dinah turns red as she starts laughing as well. The timer hits zero as Steve manages to regain composure.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! We're gonna restart the clock from where it was with the second question. You ready?"
"I'm ready."
"During what months pregnancy does a woman began to look pregnant?"
"Third month."
"Name something that's better than being rich."
"Alive."
"Name something a teenaged boy can do for hours at the time."
"Puff on the magic dragon. (Smoke crack)."
"Name something Russia's famous for."
"Vodka."
Steve just stops and loses it again.
"There is no question where your daughter comes from. Let's see how you did."
Penis… 25 points.
Third month… 33 points.
Alive… 4 points.
Puff on the magic dragon… 0 points
Vodka… 47 points.
"Well… You were twenty-eight points away. Your charity will only be donated half the money. But, your son-in-law would probably be happy to donate the rest. I'm your host, Steve Harvey and we'll see you next time on the feud!"