Chapter 3: Beauty Standards.
"Come on, you guys!" Jesse puts an arm around Dan and Lizzie each, pulling them close together "stop pretending! we all know it's there, don't suppress your feelings."
"Watch the hair!" Dan struggles.
"Get off!" Lizzie orders, also struggling.
"No, no, no, I'm helping you, trust me." Jesse snickers "here, let's take a moment to relax and think this through, okay?"
"Fine!" Dan agrees "just let me go!"
"Lizzie?" Jesse turns to the other.
"Ugh...!" Lizzie rolls her eyes "whatever, sure, but I'm telling you: there's nothing."
"Good!" Jesse's pleased to see that they're... cooperating "now, take a nice long look at Dan, Lizzie, and take a nice long look at Lizzie, Dan." she releases them, but gets up and turns their chairs to face each other.
Dan and Lizzie stare at each other awkwardly, Dan frowning.
"Don't you see how beautiful the other is?" Jesse eggs them on "Dan, don't you want to just, get lost in Lizzie's radiant blue eyes? aren't they so gentle and intelligent? framed by her soft, pale, powdery skin and long, silky, pastel hair, leading down to her delicate, curvy, small framed body, all draped in her many adorable, modern, practically fashion model outfits? that you, and only you, will be allowed to see her without?"
Dan doesn't react, he keeps staring at Lizzie, still frowning, as still and unwavering as a statue, Jesse's words seemingly having no effect.
"Hmm..." Jesse starts to frown, but then she notices Dan's massive boner, "...oh." she grins, glad to see that her message was getting through, and very effectively.
"Dan?" Lizzie doesn't understand why he's not reacting.
"Ah! and as for you, Lizzie..." Jesse starts "there's a couple pretty nice things about Dan, but I think we can all unanimously agree, that his very best feature, without a shadow of a doubt, has to undeniably be his gorgeous, vibrant, fluffy, delicious, fucking, HAIR, that stuff has been mercilessly dyed over and over again, so, many, times, but yet, it's still not the slightest bit damaged, it's healthy, and clean, and strong, and so, sooo soft, come on, Lizzie, you can't seriously expect me to believe that you don't want to touch, and stroke, and rub, and pull, and tear that gift from god right off of that man's scalp, and run away with it, and keep it as your own, forever, and wash and care for it, keeping it hidden away at the back of your sock drawer, where, at the end of each long day of obsessively thinking about it, you come home and retrieve it, and caress it, and smell it, and snuggle it, every, single, night, before you close your eyes, and blissfully let sleep take you, with your most prized, most treasured possession, grasped safely in your hand, unable to ever, ever leave."
Dan's and Lizzie's eyes are stretched wide, both of them thoroughly disturbed by this.
"...well?" Petra pushes, walking up to right behind Lizzie "don't you?"
"I...!" Lizzie has no idea what the hell she should say.
Dan's frown increases and he looks at her with large, sad, scared eyes.
"...I like his hair." Lizzie answers "but-"
"THAT'S A YES!" Jesse cheers "you DO want each other! ha-ha-ha!"
"What!? no! no, no, no!" Lizzie protests "Dan didn't even respond to you!"
"Oh, yes, he did!" Jesse corrects, "should've looked downstairs if you wanted a real answer!"
"Huh!?" Lizzie's just perplexed.
Errrch! Dan's chair sounds as he covers his crotch from view and turns away before Lizzie can look.
"..." Lizzie fully realizes what this means, and reacts accordingly: wide eyes, heavy blush. We're talking like, HEAVY blush.
"Congratulations." Petra smirks, bumping Lizzie on the shoulder "you're not single anymore, lucky..."
"..." Lizzie is too embarrassed to respond, she just wants to die.
Petra raises an eyebrow, "Oh, and by the way..." she adds "you know what you should really do? thank the fuck out of Jesse for making this happen."
"Ooh! that sounds like a good idea!" Jesse grins, "you wanna know how you can do that?"
"How...?" Dan groans, miserable.
"Let, me, in!" Jesse cheers.
Smack! Stampy punches a fist into his hand in smug victory, nodding all satisfied. He's been enjoying the show, and he just KNEW it would lead to this eventually.
"...excuse me?" Dan blinks, legitimately not understanding.
"I want, two tickets." Jesse informs, "me and a plus one, going at it hardcore, whatever we want."
"We're good, Stacy...!" Stampy squeals, excited "Jesse's moved on! she's finding it elsewhere!"
"I'm sorry." Dan shakes his head "you must be confused, I don't have tickets for anything."
"Metaphorical tickets, Dan." Jesse explains, "you know what I mean, don't you, Lizzie?"
"NO!" Lizzie snaps, not even thinking about it due to wanting this experience to just be over "I don't know, and I don't care! m-me and Dan aren't-, we're not like that! you're not helping us, okay!? if you want to help us then find the killer, otherwise, j-just leave us alone!" she would get up and go home, but she's trapped with them, so she rests her arms on the table and stares straight ahead, away from Jesse and Petra, who she silently cursed for causing all this trouble.