Thank you for the review, Marina Ka-Fai
"Well, it's getting dark out now, we should gather all the body parts together and by we I mean you." Cersei stated before continuing, "Do you have any suitcases to put the parts in?"
"Several in my storage room."
"I'll go get them and meet you in the garage. I also need to call Myrcella and Tommen and let them know I won't be home until late and that the nanny will be putting them to bed tonight." Replied Cersei.
"Alright. let me gather all the parts up." Replied Jaime as simply as if he was talking about gathering some clothes together.
Jaime had no trouble getting Roberts arm, leg and rib bones into suitcases. It was a good thing though that he had burnt the flesh off them, otherwise, they surely would have been too fat. The head, however, was a different story. It would not fit in any of the suitcases.
"Cersei?"
"Yes?"
"I can't get the head in any of the suitcases."
"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"
"Perhaps we should leave it here and discard the rest tonight?"
"Too risky. We should get rid of it all at once. Why don't we get a dog tonight, first? Suggested Cersei.
"I have a dog, remember, but why?" Asked a confused Jaime referring to his pet chihuahua Tinkerbelle.
"I mean a real dog. You know. One of those dogs the Boltens use in their dogfighting, They sell them too, you know. Such a dog could eat that huge double chin off and make the head small enough to fit."
"Those things are scary. You know one of them chewed that Bolten boy's girlfriends face damn near completely off, right?"
"Exactly. So we already know they have a taste for human flesh." Explained Cersei.
"How exactly do you purpose we feed it Roberts face without getting our own flesh eaten as well?
"Well, this is supposed to be your gift to me, why don't you figure that out?"
"I say no. Let's just throw it into the ocean. "
"That's risky, what if someone id's it?!"
"A shark will likely eat much of it, besides that even if they ID'd it, so what? There's still no way to tie us to the crime, Robert had so many enemies it could have been anyone, " assured Jaime.
"Well, alright then. That is a good point. Though I still feel uneasy about it. Well, no matter what we must not be spotted on the yacht." Replied Cersei.
"Agreed, now should we get going?"
"Sure, let me quickly grab us some soda while you load the parts in."
By the time she had returned Jaime had decided he wanted to do something fun and coupley before they got rid of all the remains. Something they used to do together every year but hadn't since their late teens.
"Let's go see some Christmas lights while we're out." Suggested Jaime.
"With pieces of a dead body in the car? Absolutely not," stated Cersei in disbelief.
"Oh come on, we're unlikely to get pulled over. Just a quick thirty minute drive around the neighborhood?"
"No."
"Oh come on please, Cersei. We haven't gone to see the Christmas lights together since we were teens. "
Cersei sighed. "How about tomorrow night?"
"You know I can't tomorrow."
"Why...ah yes. The imp's birthday. I forgot about that. Father's insistent I come as well. "
"Did you get him a gift this year?" asked Jaime curious.
"Sure did."
Jaime smiled grateful that for once he wouldn't have to buy Tyrion an extra gift and pretend it had been from Cersei. Tyrion seemed to know, anyway.
"What did you get him?"
"Some imported wine from Sicily."
"Imported wine from...wait wasn't that the gift Taena got you for Christmas?"
"It sure was. Tasted like horse piss. Well not that I would be the one to know." Cersei replied, referencing to an incident Jaime would rather have forgotten.
"You can't give Tyrion a used gift!"
"I'm not. I'm giving him the nine bottles that were unopened." Cersei explained as if that justified it before continuing, "So we will see the lights tomorrow after Tyrion's party then." Stated Cersei.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"You know why! Tyrion will get wasted at the party and be up all night. I need to keep an eye on him. I don't want him to go off with some whore again and end up getting aids."
"Well, maybe the syphilis he already has will counteract it." Suggested Cersei.
"I should have never told you about that." Jaime sighed, "But how about the night after tomorrow?"
"Did you forget? I'm taking Myrcella and Tommen up to Big Bear Lake to go skiing. We won't be back until January 1rst"
"You can't ski in that condition!"
I'm not, there will be a nanny to watch over them when they're on the slopes, but you know the kids, Robert and I go every year. They've already had so much change this year what with Robert's death and Joffrey being sent away."
"I understand" Jaime lied. He was hurt and Cersei could tell.
"Jaime..."
"Yes?"
"Perhaps a short, thirty-minute drive around the neighborhood wouldn't be such a bad idea. But, take the body parts out and leave them here, just in case. We can come back for them."
"Alright. I'll take them all out."
"Good. I'll be right back. I have to go pee."
Once Cersei returned, they kissed passionately in front of Robert's severed head. Things got heated and they had the best sex ever, right on the floor of Jaime's garage as Robert's lifeless eyes gazed upon them.
"That was amazing. I would never have guessed in a million years that the best sex ever would be with Robert in the room...or rather what remains of him.!" Stated Cersei giggling.
"It was pretty amazing. Seeing his lifeless eyes watching us? Wow! Maybe we could keep it ?" Asked Jaime hopefully.
"No, I told you before it stinks. Maybe if you had kept it properly stored in the freezer..."
"Alright." pouted Jaime.
"Do you still have wine bottles somewhere around here?"
"Yes, why? You know you can't drink!"
"I feel in the mood for a childish game of bowling right now." Stated Cersei before continuing. "Although I do hate the idea of wine being wasted.".
"I actually have a bowling bowl and bowling pins in the game room if you wanna go up there now."
Cersei laughed. "What would we need a bowling ball for?"
"I don't understand," replied Jaime confused.
"Just get the pins and bring them down here then you will."
"Alright. I'll be right back then," stated Jaime, still confused.
Returning several moments later with the bowling pins Jaime asked: "What now?"
"Set them down like normal."
"You haven't liked bowling since we were kids"
"Well, this will be the funniest game ever."
"What are we using as the...oh" Stated Jaime, slow to catch on as usual.
Cersei grabbed the big fat head sideways by its scarce hair and tried to roll it.
It rolled a few feet and then stopped.
"Well, this sucks. I thought It would roll a bit further than that." Complained Cersei
"Let me try." Stated Jaime.
Cersei handed the head over to him.
It rolled only a hair farther for him then it had for Cersei.
"It rolled a little better earlier when it knocked all my VHS's over. But even that wasn't too far. I don't think this is gonna work, Cersei."
"Well, that's too bad. I rather enjoy disrespecting him so. But the head stinks, anyway. Let's just go now."
And with that, the two headed out.
Jaime drove them around the neighborhood and they enjoyed the local decorations for around twenty minutes before he made a suggestion.
"Let's go see the decorations at Winterfell Wonderland? It's only a 20-minute drive away. "
Winterfall wonderland was owned by Robert's best friend, Ned Stark. A rich family, though not as rich as the Baratheon's or Lannisters, the Stark's had been the owners of Winterfell Wonderland going back at least three generations. The place offered skiing, sledding and also a drive through of wonderful Christmas display's every year. However, this didn't stop the current owner, Ned Stark from also following his dream of becoming a cop, much to Cersei's chagrin.
"Sure, though we really should head back after. We still need to toss the remains and from your house, the oceans a thirty minute drive each way you know." Replied Cersei.
"I loved going sledding here when we were kids." Stated Cersei once they arrived there.
"Me too."
"Look at that, such oddness always with their sled display's." Stated Cersei as they drove by one of the displays. "Why have wolves pulling that giant sled instead of reindeers? I never understood it." She continued.
"I think it's unique," argued Jaime.
"Unique isn't always good, though."
The two drove around some more enjoying the displays before heading back home.
"Let's stop at Hot Pies and Coffee. I'm carving custard doughnuts." Suggested Cersei about five minutes into their drive back.
Hot Pie's and Coffee was a very popular coffee shop. It was also the most popular coffee shop for cops in the city. Good thing Jaime had left the body parts at home.
"Sure, but let's get them to go" Replied Jaime.
"Of course. You know I don't like the company that place has. If only their doughnuts weren't so tasty."
The two headed to the coffee shop and got their doughnuts. Custard for Cersei, Jelly for Jaime. Once they left, they noticed they were being followed by a cop. Shortly after they were pulled over by the same cop, who ended up being none other than Ned Stark.
"Did you know you were going 70 in a 65?" Asked Ned Stark.
"I didn't realize." Stated Jaime,
"I'm gonna have to ask you both to step out of the car. Hands up"
The two obeyed, both feeling rather perturbed.
"May I take a look in your trunk?" Asked Ned after patting them both down to check for weapons.
Knowing there was nothing in there anyway, Jaime replied: "Go Ahead."
'Oh shit.' thought Jaime soon as the trunk opened. There, in the trunk was a suitcase. One of the suitcases parts of Robert were in. He must have forgotten to remove it from his car.
"Sir, I'm gonna have to open this."
"It's just clothes." Lied Jaime, panicked.
"Yes, well I'd like to see that for myself."
"No. You have no right. This is unlawful." Replied Jaime.
"I have probable cause. I noticed Robert's cigarette lighter somehow made its way into your possession" Stated Ned.
Jaime knew he should have gotten rid of that thing, but Robert had been so fond of his custom-made stag cigarette lighter and Jaime enjoyed having a keepsake close by to remind him of Robert's demise.
Thinking quick, Jaime rushed to explain.
"He's my brother in law. I have his lighter because I've always been fond of stags myself. Cersei let me have it when Robert abandoned her." Nobody could actually prove Robert had the lighter with him when he disappeared, so hopefully, that explanation would suffice.
Regardless of the lighter, Jaime was freaking out inside. He was about to go to jail and then prison. Likely Tywin would be able to get him a light sentence, at least. Cersei was even more panicked. Sick to her stomach over what she realized was about to be discovered, she promptly felt her stomach lurch. She realized that she was going to puke. She could have turned her head, but instead decided to puke on Ned. Maybe it would distract him enough and he'd forget the suitcase and rush to go clean himself.
"Ms. Lannister" Stated Ned, refusing to use her married name. "I could charge you with assault for that. "
"For vomiting? She's pregnant for christ sakes!" exclaimed Jaime
"Which is why I will let it slide. " Said Ned beginning to open the suitcase undeterred as Cersei's vomit trickled down his back.
Once the suitcase opened all could see that Inside were some clothes, a pack of condoms and Jaime's old favorite cassette of disco hits that he had thought he lost years ago. It was the suitcase from Cersei and Jaime's secret weekend trip together just before she had married Robert. Cersei recognized some of her old lingerie in the suitcase as well.
When gathering the suitcases all together in his garage he must have grabbed one of the unused ones, which hadn't actually been unused.
Jaime and Cersei both let out huge sighs of relief, which thankfully went unnoticed by Ned.
"Interesting," replied Ned glancing at the men's clothing and then the lingerie. "Well, I will just let you off with a speeding ticket, this time."
"A ticket? I was barely even five over the speed limit!" exclaimed Jaime.
"And if we let it slide when someone went five over, then where would it stop? At ten over? twenty? Rules exist for a reason, Lannister. I'm keeping an eye on you, Jaime Lannister. You and those brothers of his. I know either you, Stannis or Renly is responsible for Robert's disappearence. And I will find out who." Warned Ned.
"It wasn't me, " stated Jaime as Ned walked back to his patrol car.
Cersei and Jaime got back into Jaime's car and as soon as the doors were shut she unleashed upon him.
"I cannot believe you! How could you be so stupid?! We almost went to prison because of you! How could you forget to remove all of the suitcases from the trunk? Thank god you loaded the wrong suitcase into the trunk to begin with!"
The rest of the ride home was silent, save for the 80s hairbands that blasted off on the radio.
Once they returned home Jaime loaded the bags into his trunk and put the head into a garbage bag and loaded that in as well while Cersei went to go pee again.
"What are you doing?"
"Umm loading the suitcases into the trunk like you asked."
"You can't really be that stupid."
"Cersei?"
"We can't take this car again! We could be stopped again! We need to take one of the other cars."
"Alright. Pick one, then." Replied Jaime gesturing to the one other car, one limo and one pickup truck in his garage.
"Well, it should be obvious." Said Cersei rolling her eyes.
It was obvious, the pickup truck had so much more room and with the head in the open back, they wouldn't have to smell it. With that Jaime grabbed the bag with the head and tossed it onto the back of the pickup truck.
"Jaime, no! We can't take the truck! Do you not realize how suspicious all that visible luggage would be?!"
"What then, the limo?"
"The other car, of course! We need to go unnoticed here!"
"Alright," replied Jaime as he began to load the luggage and head into the other car.
"Open them all. We need to make sure you have the right suitcases in there this time." Stated Cersei once she returned.
Once they confirmed they had all the remains properly loaded, Jaime and Cersei headed out again.
They arrived at the docks where Cersei's yacht was around a half hour later. Jaime got out two of the suitcases and the bag with the head while Cersei got out and grabbed the other two suitcases. Luckily it was by now one am and there was nobody there. Or so they thought.
As they carried the bag and suitcase to the yacht they spotted someone and that someone also spotted them.
"He saw us!" Cersei exclaimed. Jaime recognized the man who saw them was Jon Arryn, owner of the docks and a close business associate of Roberts. Jaime knew if the man told anyone about their visit to the docks carrying several suitcases and a garbage bag Officer Stark might catch word of it. That would be very incriminating evidence. This wasn't good.
"He saw us!" Exclaimed Cersei again.
Jaime moved into action then. Setting the bag and suitcases on the ground he moved to tackle the old decrypt man who had tried in vain to run, He had no trouble at all overpowering the man. He quickly chocked the life out of Jon Arryn. After several moments, Jaime released his hold on the man's neck.
"We'll toss this overboard with Robert's remains. If anyone finds the body they will think he drowned" Stated Jaime as he dragged the corpse the few remaining feet to the yacht.
After doing so he and Cersei finally loaded all the suitcases as well as the bag onto the yacht. The two headed out and once Cersei determined the water was deep enough they dumped Jon Arryn's body.
They traveled some ways further and then eventually dumped Robert' s remains as well. Finally. they were both free from him forever. Cersei and Jaime held hands as they watched the suitcases sink to the depths of the ocean. Their happiness was further magnified as they watched two sharks begin to circle Robert's head bag. It was a very happy night for the two twin lovers.