Chapter 37: the Killer Revealed.

"MOVE." Lizzie orders, running over to see for herself, "ermph!" she pushes Cassie out of the way.

"Ahhh-OOF!" Cassie falls over onto her back, the impact shaking her inventory and making a few items spill out like Sonic the Hedgehog rings, one of which is a bright, white pumpkin mask, which rolls right to Lukas' and Stacy's feet.

"The fuck?" Lukas raises an eyebrow, he bends over and picks it up, examining the strange object.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cassie screams in horror as she sees him "CURSES, CURSES, CURSES! I've finally been exposed! FINE, I admit it! I, KILLED, TORQUEDAWG!"

"*GASSSP*!" everybody's legitimately surprised.

"It was YOU!?" Lizzie gapes "YOU'RE the killer!?"

"YES, YOU IDIOT!" Cassie snaps "you just caught me with the killer's fucking mask, did you not!? HELLO!? earth to fucking Lizzie!?"

"WE'VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN THIS IN OUR LIVES!" Lizzie points out, "we don't associate it with the killer at all!"

"...say what now?" Cassie's stunned "y-yes you have! the killer, the White Pumpkin, that's the killer's fucking name!"

"NOT AS FAR AS WE KNEW!" Lizzie stresses, "did you ever hear any of us refer to them as that!? no! we've just been calling them 'the killer' all night! at what point would we have even had any indication that that's what the killer was called!? did you mean to drop it at some point with one of the traps or whatever and just fucking forgot!?"

"..." Cassie can't believe how much she just fucked herself over "...oh god..."

"HEY! i-if she's the killer, for real, then why don't we just kill her and forget about all the rest of this!?" Dan offers "none of the rest of us need to die, we'll just pin Sparklez' death on her as well."

"WHAT!?" Cassie gapes "Dan!? what the fuck!? I was the only one who came to your defense, you bastard!"

"You killed TorqueDawg!" Dan snaps.

"So what!? they killed Sparklez!" Cassie reminds him "everybody liked him, no one gave a shit about TorqueDawg, and they were WILLING to kill you even though you weren't guilty, AND THEY RAPED YOU, they're far worse people than I've ever been!"

"...yeah, you're right." Dan nods "I'm with you, sorry."

"Why did you even bother trying to kill us in the first place!?" Lizzie demands.

"I... uh..." Cassie shuffles nervously "I didn't do it for pleasure! that's important to note."

"Just fucking spit it out or you're done, Cassie!" Lizzie ain't takin' no bullshit.

"I wanted the fucking flint and steel, okay!?" Cassie admits.

"*BREATHES IN SHARPLY*...!" Dan reacts, his eyes stretching with immediate fury.

"I thought TorqueDawg might've had it, or at least ONE of you guys." Cassie continues "turns out, wasn't him, but I was still right! if I had just gotten to keep killing all of you idiots one-by-one I would've had it by the time Stampy Cat was put the fuck down."

"Wrong, bitch!" Stacy growls "if Stampy died, I would've just taken it!"

"Not if his shit was sucked up by my vacuums!" Cassie laughs "then it would be MOINE!" she mispronounces the word 'mine' in a way that is typical of only our stupidest characters.

"It... was... MINE!" Dan breaks "NOBODY fucking touches it! I worked my ass off, I stormed the temple, I survived the traps, I recovered it, the enchanted flint and steel belongs, to, MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Click-clack!" Stampy teasingly taps Dan's flint and steel together.

"H-hey! I have a solution!" Cassie grins, sweating up a storm "how about, we just, uh, all SHARE the flint and steel!? the three of us, I mean, me, you Dan, and Lizzie! we're going to die if we don't work together, so why not split the reward!?"

"It, belongs, TO ME." Dan won't budge.

"I don't want anything to do with that fucking thing! people are just going to try to kill me for it! INCLUDING YOU!" Lizzie accuses.

"UH, okay!" Cassie accepts "it'll just be mine and Dan's then!"

"NO, IT, WON'T!" Dan turns his sword towards Cassie "IT'S, ALL, MINE!"

"It WAS all yours, now it's Stampy's!" Cassie argues "but with me, Dan, we can take it from Stampy, and make it OURS."

"She's just going to kill you after, Dan, she doesn't wanna fucking share it!" Lizzie has cut Cassie from their group.

"YES I DO!" Cassie claims "I was only killing people because they weren't sharing it! if Dan would share it with me, then I'd be happy with that, partial ownership is fine, I just didn't want zero ownership!"

"IT, WAS ALWAYS...!" Dan takes a really deep breath, "...MIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

"...but, it could be ours?" Cassie asks meekly.

"FUCK, YOU!" Dan screams "I wouldn't even give you 1%!"

"Oh, fuck you, Dan!" Cassie growls "now I'll have to kill you!"

"I'll kill you first!" Dan hisses.

"That bitch just doesn't know when to stop making enemies, does she?" Petra asks.

"Dan! how much do you value this... trinket?" Ivor shuffles to the front of their group, asking with a serious, calculable expression.

"WITH MY FUCKING LIFE." Dan roars.

"Talk about possessive." Petra snarks "you know, the flint and steel has feelings too, maybe it likes Stampy, did you ever think of that? maybe that's why it allowed itself to be stolen by him."

Dan gapes, "...IT, DOESN'T, THINK!"

"That doesn't mean it doesn't feel." Jesse comments.

"Inanimate objects are 100% capable of feeling love." Ivor growls "that is a scientific FACT."

"Does the flint and steel have a name?" Lukas questions.

"NO!" Dan screams "IT'S A FUCKING OBJECT!"

"I think I will name you..." Stampy starts getting in on this, staring down at his little stolen precious, "Stampy Kitten."

"Alright then, excuse me please." Lukas pushes past Petra to lean over Stampy Kitten "Stampy Kitten, has Dan ever... hit you? or made you do things that you... didn't want?"

"Has Dan ever touched you?" Jesse just goes the rest of the way, leaning over Stampy's shoulder, since she's in the very back now that Ivor has ran into the front.

"What does... uh, he...?" Petra looks at Stampy "or... she, say?"

Stacy just blinks in awe at all this.

"...he totally one hundred percent did." Stampy confirms.

"That bastard." Lukas growls.

"*gasp*!" Jesse covers her mouth "you poor thing!"

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" Petra screams at Dan.

"Don't worry, you'll never go back to him again, I promise." Lukas comforts Stampy Kitten, then steps in front of Stampy, between Ivor and Stacy "Stampy Kitten is under our protection, you'll never lay a hand on him again!"

"..." Dan just stares, shocked at what's happening "...NOOO! NO, NO, NO, YOU FUCKING RETARDS! don't you DARE go trying to steal the MORAL HIGHGROUND after you RAPED and MURDERED and STOLE your way into this position!"

"Funny, coming from you." Lukas remarks "considering how, you, Dan, had to steal Stampy Kitten from a temple, with traps, which means his former lovers did NOT want you to take him, but you did, and Cassie right there, the woman you're teamed-up with, killed TorqueDawg, and, oh, right, Stampy Kitten tells us that YOU raped him, so, Dan, it would appear that it is your side who has raped, murdered, and stolen."

"Are... you... fucking... serious...!?" Dan fumes "I, NEVER, FUCKING, RAPED, ANYBODY! you made that shit up! the flint and steel can't, fucking, talk!"

"Oh, so it's 'flint and steel' now, is it?" Lukas asks calmly "so, you objectify Stampy Kitten down to his body parts?"

"You monster...!" Petra growls.

"Why don't I just call you Mr. Dickens!?" Stampy calls.

"YES, I, objectify, AN OBJECT." Dan growls.

"Dan, shut up already! you're just feeding them! the only reason they're doing any of this is to make you upset!" Lizzie spells it out for him.

"..." Dan's frozen, his face angry.

"...I knew that." he blatantly lies.

"Oh, no more fun time?" Ivor frowns "all well, as I was trying to say before..." he turns to Stampy "may I please have 'the object' for a moment, young Stampy?"

Stampy immediately looks at Stacy.

"...it's your thing." Stacy shrugs "I mean, it's super rare and I know it's supposed to be really powerful and stuff, but if you trust him."

Stampy seems to think for a moment.

"You... will give it back, right?" Stampy asks, "Jesse won't just let you take it from me forever, will she?"

"I promise, it will be returned." Ivor nods.

"To me?" Stampy jumps through the loopholes, "not to... him?" he tilts his head towards Dan.

"...yes, to you." Ivor's irritated "I would never return it to him!"

"Okay, you were just... asking about it's value..." Stampy explains as he places Stampy Kitten into the elderly warlock's pale hands.

"Thank you..." Ivor nods "I'm sorry to say, but my promise... was false."

"WHAT!?" Stampy's immediately upset, "you...! you can't actually be serious!"

"I will return him to you, if Dan makes the correct choice." Ivor promises, then turns to Dan "Dan, you will do exactly as I command, OR ELSE." he whips out a bucket of hot lava and holds Stampy Kitten over it, because he carries lava on him everywhere, even without his clothes.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dan screams "DONT DO IT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT!"

"I'd rather not." Ivor insists "lets begin with... KILLING CASSIE."

"I... I'm sorry...!" Dan whines as he approaches Cassie.

"It's okay, Dan... it's okay..." Cassie responds, teary-eyed "I would do the same."

"URRRRRRGH, that's it!" Lizzie snaps "I've TRIED working with you idiots, but this is going nowhere and you constantly turn on each other! fuck you, Cassie, fuck you, Dan, you can both stay here and do whatever you want, kill them, kill each other, die trying to get your stupid flint and steel, but I, am, OUT!" she turns and bolts through the door, running away into the mansion towards the front entrance.

"STOP HER!" Ivor roars at Dan.

"NO! me and Stampy will stop her!" Stacy volunteers, taking the opportunity to get out "the four of you handle Dan and Cassie, alright, Jesse!?"

"'Kay, come back with her head when you're done!" Jesse orders.

"Yeeeeeeah, uh, we won't be coming back." Stacy nervously admits.

"BYE!" Stampy snatches Stampy Kitten out of Ivor's hands and bolts for the door.

"Fuck you, bitch!" Stacy grunts as she runs up and kicks Cassie over on her way by, continuing after Stampy.

"DOW!" the bitch hits the floor, "Me!? why ME!?" Cassie groans.

"IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT ANY OF THIS EVER HAPPENED...!" Stacy's voice sounds from outside the room as she and Stampy take off, leaving just Dan and Cassie alone with Jesse's gang.

"I HOPE YOU DIE SLOWLY, DAN...!" Stampy's faint call can be heard, the last thing from them.

"Don't worry, Dan! we'll get him later, let them go, just less enemies for us!" Cassie orders, standing back up to face Jesse's gang, "...Dan?"

Pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-"I'll kill you...!" Dan's gone, screaming after Stampy.

"...DAN!?" Cassie's horrified.

"Oh-ho-ho! how you like..." Petra's an asshole "...dem apples?"

"It would appear that you are at a disadvantage, foolish young Cassie." Ivor grins.

"Do you still hate me, even now?" Lukas asks the most burning question.

"I-I've killed people before, I can handle myself!" Cassie claims, shaking "you'd better not, uh, underestimate me!"

"Time to get assfucked...!" Petra laughs, slowly creeping forward.

And so was the beginning of the end... for Cassie Rose.

Poll Results!

"What will happen now that it's morning and the zombies are gone?"

1. Lizzie's side will continue to stand around bickering as they try to establish, keep, and break alliances. 1 Vote(s). (14.2%)

2. Some people are gonna scream "Fuck this!" and try to run away. 0 Vote(s). (0%)

3. Cassie will be revealed as the killer. 0 Vote(s). (0%)

4. The battle will continue as planned, Lizzie's three clothed and strong people versus Jesse's (mostly) naked and weak six people. 1 Vote(s). (14.2%)

5. Lukas will say the wrong thing, causing Stampy and Stacy to flip once more. 1 Vote(s). (14.2%)

6. Everybody will just run out, with Jesse's gang chasing behind. 1 Vote(s). (14.2%)

7. Jesse's gang will immediately block off the window and the door, keeping everyone still trapped in their little cage. 1 Vote(s). (14.2%)

8. Stampy will finally remember about peace with Dan. 0 Vote(s). (0%)

9. Something totally unexpected. 2 Vote(s). (28.4%)

Total Votes: 7.

Total Voters: 3.

POLL TWIST! This week, there was not one, not even two, but THREE correct possible answers! Lizzie's side DID bicker more, some people screamed "Fuck this!" and ran away, and Cassie outed herself as the killer! Unfortunately, nobody voted for the latter two options. But someone did correctly choose that Lizzie's side of bickering idiots would just keep on being as dysfunctional as possible! So we have a WINNER!
(Also, as an unofficial fourth correct choice, "Something totally unexpected" is an excellent description of the Stampy Kitten skit, so two people pretty much got that right as well, even though it wasn't officially set as a correct answer.)

Speaking of Stampy Kitten, (the green enchanted flint and steel), that leads into our new poll! "Who do YOU believe should be the rightful owner of Stampy Kitten?" Quite a few people have made a lot of claims (and even killed!) to get their claws on it, but who truly has the right? Tell us what you think! And if you're torn, that's okay, because you can vote for up to three once again! Vote now!