Female Jesse and the Psycho Pumpkin Mansion

by Greene Earth Productions

It's a night of terror and mystery! Bloodthirsty murderers, conniving thieves, people with dark secrets that must never be revealed, and a strange woman on a mission. Our hero, the cutesy, wonderful, and innocent Stampy, will need to tread a dangerous path through the web of crime and conspiracy to get out of this mess alive. Content Warning: rape, intense violence, torture, death.

47. Chapter 46: the Duel

Dan Tuesday.

Chapter 46: the Duel.

(Important Note: unlike the previous Dan chapters, this does not take place simultaneously with the previous entry, Chapter 45. It picks up right after.)

"Okay, boy." PwnKang closes the fence, locking him and Dan inside the battle arena "now we fight, and the best minecraft spleefer... wins."

"Hahaha...!" Dan laughs, his eyes crazy "heh-heh, you idiot, you should've just killed me, now I'm going to walk away alive while you burn!"

"Can't wait to smell your ass all fried and crispy." PwnKang gets his shovel ready "on the count o' three."

"Count o' two!" Dan pushes impatiently, taking out his shovel.

"Fine." PwnKang rolls his eyes "one...!"

PwnKang whips out a potion of fire resistance and downs it as fast as he can.

"WHAT THE-!?" Dan starts.

Smash! PwnKang throws the bottle aside.

"TWO!" PwnKang runs at Dan.

"EEP!" Dan starts cutting up the dirt blocks and cuts himself off on a little island.

Screech! PwnKang stops before he goes falling into the lava.

"COWARD!" PwnKang calls.

"Coming from the man who just made himself IMMUNE TO LAVA." Dan snarls.

"There ain't no way this is gonna work out for you, boy." PwnKang snarls back "there no one out here with us, I could jump into that lava, chop the dirt out from under you, watch you die, climb out, tell everybody I beat you fair, and no one would ever be the wiser."

"Then why don't you!?" Dan demands.

"I got somethin' better in mind." PwnKang chuckles.

"...!" Dan's eyes widen "what's that?"

PwnKang takes out snowballs.

"YOU SICK FUCK!" Dan screams.

"Like you said, boy, a REAL master would use both, that's just what I'll tell your friends when they find out what I done to you." PwnKang laughs "if you had any kind of a reputation, that's gonna be transferred to me."

"Then DO IT!" Dan demands "come on! throw 'em!"

"...why you so eager to die, boy?" PwnKang questions.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Dan grumbles.

"You quit with that emo shit!" PwnKang demands "tell me the reason!"

"You wouldn't understand..." Dan turns away "nobody understands me."

"BOY I TOLD YOU!" PwnKang snaps "QUIT, THE EMO."

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my soul screaming in torment." Dan sits down, back to PwnKang "so, so sad..." he bows his head.

"...boy." PwnKang starts, tense "I'mma start throwin' if you don't fess up."

Dan just folds his arms and raises his head a bit, looking like a bitch.

"YOU DONE HAD YO' CHANCE." PwnKang roars.

Unbeknownst to PwnKang, Dan had put something in his mouth when his head was bowed, something he had stolen off the horse when he had the chance, something that he had in mind the moment he had suggested this duel... his own fire resistance potion, and now that he had his head lifted up, he silently gulped down it's contents.

Pt-pt-pt-pt-pt-pt! PwnKang throws snowballs to break the dirt blocks out from under Dan, who falls, (still sitting like a bitch), hits the lava, and disappears within it, his shovel burning up to nothing.

"Hrmph! totally unsatisfying." PwnKang grouches as he tries to spot Dan's body in the lava below "I shoulda just fucked his ass again, never did get that Round Two, such bullshi-"

Pt! the dirt block he was standing on suddenly breaks.

"DA FUUU-!" PwnKang gasps as he falls and hits the lava, "oomph!" he grunts as all his clothes, inventory items, and shovel are destroyed.

"The hell!?" he looks around wildly, standing perfectly fine and dandy in the lava "how did-?"

"BAM!" Dan shouts gleefully as he suddenly jumps on PwnKang's back from the depths of the lava, pinning the bigger man down in the stuff "I'm immune too, bitch!"

"You...!? what the...!" PwnKang weakly struggles in surprise "HOW!?"

"I snuck a potion for me." Dan grins.

"HA! did you now!?" PwnKang laughs "well, you didn't think this through did you, boy!? I drank my potion AFTER you, you're going to burn up first!"

"Well, a-...!" Dan stops himself, realizing his opportunity "...oh! uh, damn it! fuck it all!" he puts on the really bad act.

"Too bad for you, but...!" PwnKang chuckles.

BAM!-whisp! PwnKang elbows Dan off of himself, turns, grabs the younger man, and pushes him to his knees.

"...I'm gonna enjoy this!" PwnKang cheers.

"NOOO! get off! don't-!" Dan pleads.

"URGH!" PwnKang thrusts his cock into Dan once again.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Dan screams "NOT...! AH...! GAHN...!"

"Urm-urm-urm-urm-urm-urm-urm-urm-urm-urm!" PwnKang fucks him.

"WHYYYYYY, IS, IT, ALL, WAYS, MEEEEEEEEEEEE!?" Dan cries out to the world "FOUR TIMES!? YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS, FOUR TIMES!?"

"Boy, this is only the second time I've ever plowed you." PwnKang points out "too bad it'll be the last!"

This goes on for two minutes, PwnKang doesn't worry about his time limit because he thinks Dan's going first.

"Heh, heh, heh, how long's it been?" PwnKang breathes "you still ain't gone? FINE WITH ME!"

WHAM! he punches Dan in the nuts.

"DAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWW!" Dan squeals.

"Any second now, boy, you gonna die! you gonna die with my wiener in yer-"-SIZZZZZZZZZZZZ! PwnKang is PwnedToast "AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE...!" he's quickly melted away into the lava, gone.

Dan gasps for breath, and flops onto his side, still in the lava.

"F-f-f..." he struggles "f-fiiin-na-nall-nally...!"

He shivers, despite the warmth.

"Took you long enough...!" he's talking to the fucking potion.

BOOM. it hits him that he has like, fifteen seconds to live.

"EEEEEEP!" he scrambles to his feet, runs to the side, and starts punching at the stone wall containing their lava pit.

"Come on, come on!" he punches away "it takes, what, ten seconds to break one of these!?"

Ten, nine, eight seconds to live.

"Do it...!" Dan begs "break...!"

Five, four, three seconds to live.

"BREAK YOU MOTHERFUUUCKEEER!" Dan can't take it as the thing is nearly done.

One second just as the thing breaks.

"YES, YES, YES!" Dan swims his feet to the top of the lava and steps out just in time, throwing himself forward and landing on the soft, grassy ground "urgh...!"

Silence.

"...WAAAHOOO!" Dan leaps to his feet and starts dancing "oh yeah! oh yeah! who lives another day!? the D-man! the diamond man! the DIAMOND DAN! I won, I got out, stupid PwnKang, stupid PwnKang, he dead, he gone, he, is, OUT!"

Dan takes a moment to breathe.

"And he...!" Dan huffs, "is just the beginning!" he turns, eyes locked onto PwnKang's horse.

"Neeeigh!" the horse whines.

"Shut up, you bitch." Dan growls "your master had that coming to him, that's what he gets for taking on the diamond motherfucking minecart."

Dan storms over and forcibly climbs onto the horse, naked ass squishing into the saddle.

"PwnKang was a bad dude, and he got his punishment, but he was small fish compared to my other enemies." Dan narrows his eyes "I'm not letting this go, I'll hunt down all the rest of those who have done me wrong, I'll kill 'em, I'll kill 'em all, in order from least to most, I'll kill Cassie if she's still alive, Petra, Ivor, Jesse, LUKAS, Stacy, and of course..." he grinds his teeth "...Stampy Cat."

He looks back towards the mansion.

"...no, not them yet." he shakes his head "there's too many of them and I'm too weak right now, I need to find and kill someone easier."

He looks towards the woods.

"I'm on a horse, they're on foot, I can still catch Stacy and Stampy." he plans "I'll get them next, yeah, and get my FUCKING FLINT AND STEEL back while I'm at it."

Silence.

"...what do I have?" Dan checks the bag.

He finds a decent assortment of things.

"Any FUCKING IRON, MAYBE!?" Dan roars, impatient, as he shifts through it.

He finds some iron ingots.

"FINALLY SOME GOOD FORTUNE." Dan doesn't sound very happy as he takes them, hops off the horse, and runs a short distance away, laying down his crafting table.

"Okay, I got sixteen ingots here..." Dan calculates "heh, I got, ingot, in got, Igot, heh-heh-UGH, uh, anyway, yes, a helmet needs five, a chestplate takes eight, pants seven, and boots take only four, that's twenty-four ingots needed for the full suit, DAMN IT, I'm eight short the full suit."

Dan thinks for a moment.

"Urgh, well at least I can get SOME armor, maybe I can fill in the rest with leather or something, jeez..." he starts laying the iron down "alright, let's see if I can at least use all of it, what combination of things would equal an exact total of sixteen used?"

He runs it through his head.

"...huh, eight missing, eight to make a chestplate." he shrugs "if I want, I can make a helmet, pants, and boots out of this, but my chest will be exposed."

He considers it for a long moment.

"Ugggh, fine." he gets crafting and makes himself a suit of iron armor, missing the chestplate.

"There..." he equips it "that's 2 armor points for the helmet, 5 for the leggings, another 2 for the boots, so I currently have an armor rating of 9 armor points."

He goes running back to the horse and looks into the sack again.

"Come on, leather, leather, leather, leather, leath-YES!" he pulls out leather "how much!?"

Seven leather.

"...FUCK!" Dan throws it to the ground and starts stomping on it "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! WHY!?" he screams at the world "WHY DO YOU TEASE ME LIKE THIS!? you make it look like things are finally going my way, and then you pull THIS!? as a matter of fact, this isn't the first time, either! earlier you made it look like I was going to be rescued, but instead I was just RAPED AGAIN! that's it, fuck you, universe! fuck, off!"

Long silence.

"...I don't feel any better." Dan mopes, sitting down "what the fuck am I supposed to do now!? I need to wreak my revenge!"

Silence.

Dan very, very slowly starts to turn around...

...and fixes his gaze on the horse.

"Mch... mch..." the horse is just casually munching, completely oblivious to Dan.

"...ohhh." Dan slowly nods "ohhhhhh, okay, I see what you're getting at, universe, I thought I was supposed to ride this horse to my revenge, but now I see, I'm really supposed to take my revenge, TO THE HORSE."

Dan takes a stone sword out of the horse's fucking bag, it's the best weapon PwnKang had in there, his best weapon at all was his golden sword, which melted with him.

"Makes sense." Dan smiles evilly "after all, you had a hand to play in what he did to me, didn't you?" he talks to the horse.

...

HE'S,

TALKING,

TO,

THE,

FUCKING,

HORSE.

"If you hadn't brought him to me, or had ridden away with me instead of letting him pull me off of you, then this might have turned out differently...!" Dan snarls as he lines up the sword with the horse's neck "instead, karma's come for your SOUL."

SLASH! Dan chops into the horse's neck.

"NEEEIGH...!" the horse makes the horse dying sound as it turns over and dies, poofing into a single piece of leather, it's saddle, and turning it's bag into a shulker box.

"Worth it." Dan nods, satisfied, as he picks up the leather.

He then goes and crafts a leather chestplate, throws it on, and stands there, looking over himself dressed in mismatched armor.

"Okay, I'm feeling the power." Dan flexes his muscles and plays a bit with the stone sword "now I just need a ride..."

Long moment of Dan pondering a solution to this glaring issue that didn't exist a moment ago.

"Oink... oink-oink..." a pig comes wandering out of the woods.

Dan can barely contain his beaming smile, "Thank you, Universe!" he screams as he picks up his crafting table, gets a carrot-on-a-stick out of the shulker box before picking that up too, grabs the horse's saddle, and eagerly runs for the pig.

Poll Results!

"What do you think will be the result of the epic duel of spleef between Dan and PwnKang?"

1. Dan drops PwnKang into the lava, and crazily runs away the winner. 1 Vote(s). (16.6%)

2. PwnKang drops Dan into the lava, and walks away the winner. 0 Vote(s). (0%)

3. One player cuts themselves off onto an island and it's a draw. 0 Vote(s). (0%)

4. They both cause each other to fall into the lava. 1 Vote(s). (16.6%)

5. One player stupidly causes themselves to fall into the lava. 1 Vote(s). (16.6%)

6. Something totally unexpected. 3 Vote(s). (50%)

Total Votes: 6.

Total Voters: 3.

DUN-DUN-DUN-DUUUN! We have a winner! (And his name is DAN-) One of you successfully predicted the correct answer, as both combatants caused each other to drop into the hot fiery lava. However, they were both immune! (For a time.) And Dan walked away alive and... not so well, actually, but alive and that's what counts.

Also he got revenge on a damn horse for his own mistakes. That was something. That was... a, good way, to end DAN TUESDAYS, wouldn't you all say?

Now, even though we return to the main story on Friday, our new poll is keeping the focus on Dan, and by that we mean, we're asking "What was YOUR opinion of PwnKang as a character?" Wuzzee gud, or wuzzee shit? Vote now!