Chapter 49: the Daring Escape.
Stampy reels back and wheezes a bit at the fact that this seriously just happened.
"What the fuuuck...?" Stacy groans.
"That's not actually the end!" Dan calls "you two can try to rap attack back, but I doubt you'd be able to pull off anything as sick as what I just dissed you with, feel free to try though, I'm in no hurry to kill your stupid faces, we've got all day ahead of us, just me, and you, and you..."
"You shot Stacy in the head!" Stampy reminds, "I doubt she's in any mood for this!"
"...can, uh, we have a few minutes to plan out and write our lines?" Stacy requests.
"Sure." Dan giggles, smiling down at them playing his game.
"Sucker..." Stacy huffs as she pulls Stampy close to whisper to him "alright, how are we going to kill him?"
"Uh..." Stampy tries to erase Dan's rap from his memory to help him think, "do you, uh, still have your bow and arrows?"
"Yes." Stacy confirms "but he has armor, we don't."
"I know, I know..." Stampy keeps pondering, "well, it looks like we only have a couple different general strategies we can use, the... the first one is to try to fight him head on, which isn't looking good, so... unless we can, maybe, catch him off guard by actually doing the rap and using your bow and stuff as props in our performance or something and then suddenly aiming for a head shot, I think that approach is pretty much out, the other main idea is to just run away into the trees and hope he takes long enough scrambling to get his pig together for him to lose track of where we are, at that point we'll have a couple new options, one, is to just head home and hope for the best, and the other is to try to circle back and hit him from behind... ohhh, I don't know, what do you think we should do, Stacy? do you have any other ideas?"
"Hmmmmmm..." Stacy thinks it over "maybe... we should do the distraction rap idea, you can keep him focused mainly on you and then I'll suddenly shoot for his eyes, if we get a successful hit we should charge up the hill with our swords and hack him apart in battle, his armor isn't much of an advantage as long as we both go so it's two-on-one."
"And if the hit fails we run into the woods?" Stampy questions.
"Yes." Stacy nods "he can't shoot us if we're behind trees, and his dumb pig is wandering off right now as we speak, so he'd either have to chase us on foot or risk losing track of us in the time it takes to get the swine."
"Okay." Stampy nods, "and then do we swerve around to hit him in the back, set a trap where each of us hide behind a tree and we wait for him to come rushing and then we jump on him then, or do we just try to get away?"
"Well, we have no idea how well armed he really is, since last we saw him he was naked in a burning building." Stacy shrugs "he already has way more stuff than he should, who knows what else he has in his inventory, I swear he must've found Cassie's war chamber or something."
"So... get away, then?" Stampy asks.
"Get away." Stacy nods "BUT if we can hear him catching up to us, we should hide and wait to ambush him."
"Okay." Stampy agrees, "so... should we... start writing the rap now...?" he has to force the words.
"Urgh." Stacy cringes "yeah..."
They work on it together.
"Are you DONE yet!?" Dan snaps impatiently, his good mood fading as he's left waiting, bored.
"Eat your carrot!" Stampy snaps.
"I... NEED... the carrot...!" Dan hisses through his teeth.
"Stacy!" Stampy whispers urgently, "he only has one carrot...!"
"Oh my god." Stacy realizes "good job, Stampy, we take that thing out and he's left dead in the water."
"I know!" Stampy nods, "we'll keep that in mind for the attacks."
They keep working on the rap.
They finish, nod, and turn around to face Dan.
"Ahhh, thank goodness." Dan breathes "finally finished? let's hear it!"
Stampy takes a deep breath, "...I need a mic."
"..." Dan stares at him "excuse me?"
"I can't rap without a mic, it's... wrong." Stampy shrugs "I won't be able to, uh, jazz, right, dawg."
"Urgh...!" Stacy grunts/winces as she tugs the arrow out of her head, making a trail of fresh blood run into her hair, "here, Stampy, use this." she offers him the arrow.
"Okay." Stampy frowns as he takes it.
"Here, I'll have my bow on my shoulder, it'll be like, our theme." Stacy suggests, taking out her bow and putting her arm through it "we be, like, Fly-Bolt and String-String, or some other stupid name."
"Ooh! I'm String-String!" Stampy smiles, gesturing to his hoodie strings.
"...I guess I'm Fly-Bolt then." Stacy agrees "I am pretty swag, so it fits."
"I don't care!" Dan calls "just get on with it!"
"FINE." Stampy snaps, "here it comes...!"
Pt! Stampy and Stacy go leaning back to back and support each other awesomely.
You want to battle me, minecart?
Well this cat has claws.
I'll be playing 'round with you,
like a mouse between my paws.
You think you're good at surviving? uhhh, not quite.
Let's take a look at how we all did last night.
Jesse's gang came looking to torture until they raved,
you rolled over and died, while we got our asses saved...!
Stampy passes the 'mic' to Stacy, who hands him back the bow, Dan tenses at this but relaxes when they don't try to pull anything and just go back to leaning on each other, Stampy twirls the bow instead of slinging it over his shoulder like Stacy had.
Stacy continues the rap attack.
So you think you're hot stuff, Mr. Fucked-In-The-Ass?
I've got better things to do, let's get this done fast.
You say your dick is big, but we've all seen it, remember?
Out of all the guys last night you had the smallest member.
Why would Stampy want groupies? I'm the hottest bitch of all.
("YEAH!" - Stampy)
And he doesn't need cheap sex to make himself feel tall.
Unlike you Dan, he's not shallow and alone.
Thinking about Lizzie while you jerk your little bone.
You might have a billion subs, but we know love's true kiss.
The closest you've ever come to that was the love you got from Lukas.
("OH!" - Stampy)
Your rap attack was pathetic,
all your insults have no backing.
Your minecart might be diamond,
but I find your track LACKING...!
Stacy passes the arrow back to Stampy in exchange for the bow, which she starts twirling herself.
Stampy's second verse begins.
Meow! meow! meow! I am a precious kitten.
I'm soft and sweet and cuddly, ("That makes me smitten!" - Stacy)
You are just an item, a rock some people enjoy.
I'm a PURRsonality, adored by every girl and boy!
An animal with a brain, that thinks and feels and learns.
You just sit all shiny-like, forged denser by my burns.
As dumb as rocks, they say? sounds like you to me!
You've gone and fallen in our trap, now DO IT, STACY!
Stacy aims her bow up at Dan and takes the arrow from Stampy.
Twang! Stacy takes the desperate shot at Dan while he still doesn't fully realize what's happening.
Donk! the arrow bounces off of the noseguard of Dan's helmet.
"FUCK! abandon the offensive!" Stacy curses, grabbing Stampy's hand and turning him towards the deep forest at the edge of the flower field "RUN, STAMPY!"
"I AM!" Stampy assures, pelting it fast, "HAVE FUN WITH YOUR PIG, DAN!"
"What the...!?" Dan can't believe they're seriously doing this "FUCKING BASTARDS! come baaack!"
They do not come back.
"Son of a-!" Dan swears as he turns around, his jaw dropping as he finds his pig nowhere in sight "-WHERE DID IT GO!? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE PIGGY!?"
"Stay close!" Stacy instructs as she lets go of Stampy's hand when they reach the woods and scurry within the thick, tight trees, disappearing from Dan's sight.
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" Dan screams as he runs around through the woods desperately, not finding any pig "WHERE ARE YOU!?"
"Wheeeh!" Dan hears a pig's dying shriek.
"No...!" he gapes, he runs towards the sound of the noise and, behind a tree, finds a wolf snackin' on pork chops.
"A wolf!?" Dan trembles "URRRGGGH! FUCK YOU, STACY! YOU AND YOUR FUCKING DOGS!"
"*huff*...! *huff*...!" Dan breathes to relax himself as he turns away from the wolf "it's okay...! it's okay...! just follow them, you don't need a steed, you've got enough food to keep you running all day, sure, my posterior may not be up to that, but we'll see how far I can make it, Stacy's ass was fucked too, so, yeah."
Dan takes off running in the direction he last saw Stampy and Stacy go.
New Poll!
The choice to have this be the new poll was a no-brainer: "Who won the rap battle!?" Who's rap attack was more effective? Which side had the sickest burns!? We want to know, so VOTE NOW!