Weary of company, Carmen made her way to the courtyard once dinner had wound to a close. It was a humid night, with air that drenched her skin like perfume. She leaned against the vine-covered wall, sinking against their soft leaves and breathing in the tranquility around her.
But that tranquility was interrupted when someone opened the door. For a few moments, Carmen could hear a loud clatter from the kitchen and murmurs of after-dinner conversations. Then the door swung closed, and heavy footsteps crossed the porch.
"Hey," the commander said, leaning against a wooden railing that separated the porch from the courtyard.
"Hey," she answered. "I just...I needed some fresh air."
"Fine by me." He sent her a lopsided smile as means of reassurance. "What do you say to a walk?"
She shrugged. "Fine by me." They hadn't spoken much since their fight onboard the Enterprise, and even though he had apologized in his own way, Carmen found that her feelings still needed time to simmer. But maybe, she thought, he had something to say about the mission. "Where's...uh...mom?" Though she had been using that word for several days now as part of their cover, it still felt awkward and foreign in the young woman's mouth.
"She's a little distracted," Riker replied. "Smitten, more like it." He set off down the winding dirt road.
Carmen grinned, falling into step at his side. "Little Wrennie woke up then?" Wren, the youngest of the Perler clan, had Troi wrapped around his fat little finger. It's like her brain would turn to mush at sight of the infant, and she would find every excuse to hold him or dote on him.
Riker shook his head, feigning exasperation. "Yeah. What is it with her and babies?"
"I know, right? They're pretty useless. Especially that one-he cries a lot."
"All babies cry a lot," Riker laughed. "Haven't you been around one before?"
"No." She shook her head. "I mean, some of the recruits were pretty young, but...well, at least they knew how to feed themselves and hold a weapon." Her words had an inadvertent way of dampening the conversation. Riker's smile faded. The humor he had previously found in her reluctance to bond with the Perler children eluded him now. It became suddenly and painfully clear where that reluctance had come from. She was just a kid, too. A kid put in charge of other kids, and then thrown into battles they could not win.
"It wasn't fair," he said softly.
"What?" She looked up at him. "Did you say something?"
"Carmen, there's...there's something we need to talk about." He put a hand on her shoulder, bringing her to a stop. Then he turned her to face him. Her lips pressed together into a pale line as she braced herself for a scolding or a lecture of some kind.
Riker drew in a breath and cast a cautionary glance around. They were alone. "Do you remember everything that happened with Jarat?"
The name pulled a rush of scenes from Carmen's memory. She thought back to their unfortunate run-in with the rogue Klingon, back when she had just come to this universe, back when she was still a stranger to the commander. "Yes," she answered, unsure of why he would bring it up now.
"There were a few days back there when...when we thought you were dead. I couldn't stop thinking about how I should have done something. How I should have...I don't know. Stopped him. But I never did. He went down with his ship, and...it wasn't fair."
Carmen's eyes narrowed. "Wasn't fair?" she scoffed. "Because you're the commander, right? Because you're always supposed to be the hero, the one-man show-"
"No," he interrupted. Then he clicked his teeth and sighed in frustration. "That's not what I'm trying to say. What I meant was…see...when we first found out who you were, it made me think of everything that I'd missed out on. You know...being a husband, being a father..." His hand returned to her shoulder. "But on that day, when I watched Jarat's ship go down thinking you were still on it, I thought of everything that you'd missed out on. It wasn't fair."
Her jaw clenched. Carmen worried that if she tried to speak, her voice might break. So she remained silent.
"Then tonight, what Adren said...it made me think of your father," he continued. "And I thought, what if that had been me? I mean, it very easily could have. What if I was the one who held a newborn child and gave her life, gave her a name?" He smiled ruefully, the old man's words dancing across his mind. "Roots. What if I gave her roots, but couldn't live long enough to give her wings?"
Her eyes began to shine in the light of the moon, misting over with tears. But still she said nothing, biting down hard on her lip instead. Riker sighed heavily.
"So...I guess what I'm getting at is...you should go out there tonight. Look for that camp Elion was talking about."
"What?" she blurted out.
"I'll go back inside, keep him company. Make sure he doesn't notice you slip off. And Deanna can keep an eye on the others-"
"But I thought you said it's too risky?"
"It is risky." Riker's gaze lifted to the dark and jagged silhouette of the jungle, which cut through the nighttime sky like a knife. "But you're a Starfleet officer. You've been trained to take risks. And this way, if there is a camp, maybe whoever pitched it will be sleeping. Just promise me that you'll be-"
"Careful?" A wry smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. "I know. You don't have to tell me."
"-patient." He smiled back at her. "I was going to ask you to be patient with me. I trust you, I'm just...learning how to trust myself with trusting you. Does that make sense?"
She nodded. "I think I get it." Then, quite suddenly, she threw her arms about him. "Thanks. For looking out for me. I'm still getting used to the fact that I can get used to that fact. Does that make sense?"
He laughed aloud. "Yeah, yeah, I think I get it. Well go on and get some supplies together. I better head back up."
Carmen pulled away from him, her face beaming. But as she turned to make for their room, he stopped her.
"Oh and Carmen?"
"Yeah?"
"Be careful."