I stayed up tonight to work on this update. I really wanted you guys to have something for the holiday season. I've really been disappointed in myself when it comes to updating my fanfiction. But I know 2019 will be better. My new year's resolution is to finish writing this story in January and finish updating by February. I'm saying that now so I can hold myself to it. Thanks to everyone who is sticking with me. I really hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.

Since I wanted you to have something as a little Christmas gift to all of you, I proofread this myself … which means it probably has some (or many) errors. Hopefully they don't take away from the story too much. Enjoy and happy holidays! Love you all. :)

BPOV:

The days are long without him. I find myself constantly peering off into space, imagining his strong, structured body moving toward me. I miss him. It's only been a few days, but it's felt like a lifetime. Why did I choose to stay? What am I even gaining from this? Everything seems dreary in El Paso without him. I'm going through the motions, moving through my days feeling more morose than ever.

"Bella? You all right, girl?"

I tilt my head to find Zafrina peering over at me, causing me to wonder how long I've been spacing out. I've been looking at the front door, waiting for Edward. I imagine him strolling in covered in dirt and sweat. My body flushes as I daydream. I imagine his heavy body pressing into mine - covering my frame as he thrusts between my thighs…

"Bella?"

"Sorry," I apologize as I shake the fantasies from my head. "I guess I've been spacing out for a while, haven't I?"

"Not too long. I was working, so I didn't notice," Zafrina teases me as she taps on the POS system and starts imputing an order. "So, how's your man? Since you came back from your trip with him you've seemed pretty lost."

One thing I loved about my boss was that she was a straight shooter. She always got to the point, even if the point was uncomfortable. I suppose I have been a little spacey since my return. That's a major understatement, Bella. A "little" spacey. You've been lost since you've gotten back.

"I should get back to work," I said as I stuffed my black book into my apron.

Zafrina gives me a knowing smile as I turn to leave. It's strange; I want to talk about Edward until everything weighing on my heart is expressed, but I also want to keep my lips closed, fearing if I mention his name, I'll start ranting until I'm in tears. Now that we're apart, I wish I made another choice. What was left for me here, anyway? Without him, El Paso feels like it has nothing to offer. I chose this place because it was where he was headed. It was a random decision. Nothing's holding me here.

My dreams could take me anywhere and yet, I'm choosing to stay here…

"Was there anything else I could get for you guys, tonight? Desert maybe…?"

The older couple smiles at me before their hands go to their bellies and, with an exasperated sigh, they shake their heads. I beam back, although, the smile is forced. I don't feel happy … I just feel out of place. I shouldn't be here. I really shouldn't be here … maybe I can just leave … maybe I can just say I'm sick and go home?

"I'll get your checks, then."

Turning to leave, my face morphs into a look of distress, wanting to look ill for Zafrina. Heavens, I should feel guilty … This is such a bad thing to do … But Edward …

"You okay, Bella?" Zafrina asks as I join her near the POS station.

"I don't know … I feel sick all of a sudden."

"Love sick." She chuckles before turning to me. "Well, you're shifts over soon anyway and the place is pretty dead. I guess you can finish up your tables and head home."

Home. This doesn't feel like home. Not anymore.

I smile at her, knowing the smile didn't reach my eyes. I'll fake it 'till I feel it. Hopefully soon, I'll feel it …

I stop at an art shop on the way home. It's small and doesn't have much; it's not even comparable to the store I grew up going to. That store never disappointed. Paint lined the back walls, along with every supply I could ever dream of needing. Maybe today I just wasn't feeling inspired. However, the days that I didn't feel inspired where the most important days for me to paint. These were the days I had to push through; I've been slacking since I ran from my wedding. I hadn't pushed myself like I used to.

My art was one of the reasons why I left. With my ex, I felt like I couldn't properly pursue it. And look at me now … I haven't been doing anything. Since Edward left, I've been having a pity party for myself.

I threw paint into my basket before reaching for a cheap, pre-made canvas. I loved making my own, but today, I just wanted to create. I have so many emotions I want to release. Later. I'll create the way I used to later. Today, I'll just let go.

After selecting a few paintbrushes, I moved to the front of the store and stood in line. As I waited, I pulled out my phone, smiling at the sight of my screensaver. Edward. God, he feels so far away. The picture of us displayed on my phone's home screen was recent, but to me, it feels like it was taken decades ago.

"Next!"

The cashier tears me away from my thoughts and I move forward, paying for my things.

I rush back to my apartment, just wanting to get to work. I don't know what I'm going to paint but that didn't matter. I rarely knew where the piece was going until I begin. Heavens, sometimes I didn't know where the piece was going until mid-way through. All I knew was the painting would consists of various shades of green. Green was the only color I selected. The bags resting on my backseat were filled with white, black, and various shades of green paint along with brushes and a canvas. I knew why I wanted to paint something green; I wanted the painting to look like Edward's eyes.

Heavens, how embarrassing. I can never tell him this …

I wanted to paint something which reminded me of him. Something that made me feel like he was here with me, even though he was truly a plane ride away. I can just get on a plane. I can go to him …

Parking outside of my apartment, I turned the rental car off and slid out. I need to get my own car … If I'm going to live independently, I have to do that much. I roll my eyes at the thought, knowing the real reason I don't have a car of my own: I'm too indecisive. I can't make a decision unless my life depended on it.

If I weren't so indecisive, I would probably be with Edward right now…

Pushing those thoughts aside, I head up to my apartment. It isn't much - but I don't want it to be. This place isn't permanent. Nothing seems to be. I ran away from my engagement. I can't commit to a man who consumes my every thought. I rent a car. I make monthly payments on an apartment. I'm flighty at work… What's wrong with me.

Entering my apartment, I kick the door shut and place my things on my kitchen table before reaching for my phone. I need to call him. I just need to hear his voice. I fidget as I hear the phone ringing, nervous for some reason. I talked to him yesterday … I shouldn't feel nervous like this.

"Bells?"

I smile at the sound of his voice, tears pricking my eyes.

"Hey."

"Baby, it's good to hear from you. You just get off work?"

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling well."

My cheeks are hot. I can't imagine how I must look. I must look so flushed-so love-sick.

"Baby. I wish I were there to help you feel better. I've been working all morning. I'm 'bout to go back to my hotel and relax for a bit. Wish you were here … But, I understand. You can't just drop everything and-"

"I could," I interrupt his cute ramblings. "I want to."

"Really?"

"Maybe staying behind … maybe that was a mistake. I don't like being apart. We just found each other," I say lamely as I pull out a chair from my kitchen table and take a seat.

"Honestly, I don't like being away from you either. Trips are so lonely by myself. After the rush, I come back to an empty hotel room."

I hear voices in the background before hearing Edward respond. I sigh, knowing he has to go again. He's always busy … I just want to talk to him…

"Bells, baby, I've gotta go. Call me later, okay? I miss you."

"I will," I promise, feeling defeated.

Voices sound in the background again and I hear the phone rattling. If only I were there…

"Bye, baby."

"Bye, cowboy."

I imagine he's smiling as I end the call. I wish I was smiling, too. I place my phone face down on my kitchen table, gazing at it for a moment in silence as I try to calm my emotions. You wanted this, Bella. You wanted this.

Leaning forward in my seat, I reach for my bags, dumping the paint and supplies onto the table. I'll lose myself in this. I'll create something as beautiful as he is. And maybe after that, I'll go after him. I have to take a chance sometime; I'll have to live someday. If I have to take a chance, I want to take a chance on him.

He's worth it. He's more than worth it. My cowboy…

I imagine his face in my mind as I begin to work, losing myself as I create … forgetting all of my problems.

Tomorrow I'll go to him. Tomorrow … Can I wait that long?

A/N: Do you think she'll leave town to follow him tonight? Or will she wait? Until next time! Have a wonderful NYE! See you in 2019!