7. Letter to no one

1st September 1998

Megan sat at the toilet, her head in it, throwing up. This had been going on for a week.

'You're pregnant.' Came a voice from the doorway. Megan looked up, shocked. It wasn't a question – it was a statement. Megan nodded and watched, heartbroken as George turned around and left without saying another word. She heard the front door slam as he left, and she started to sob.

It had been this way for the last 4 months. He was grieving, she knew that, but he didn't even speak to her. He slept in one of the spare rooms, he left for work as early as possible and he didn't get home until after midnight. At first Megan tried getting up at the same time and staying up late to try and speak to him, but he refused. It was like he blamed her for Fred dying.

He wasn't speaking to her and he definitely hadn't touched her; that meant she was at least 4 months pregnant – the last time they had sex was the night after the Battle of Hogwarts.

Megan straightened herself up and made her way to her bedroom to get dressed. In June, she had started working within the Department of Magical Law enforcement at the ministry and she had to go in today for an exam.

…

This is the last thing I need to be doing she thought, as she walked along the corridor to where her exam would be held. Just go in, do what you do best and get home she scolded herself, trying to be positive. She sat one exam a month as part of her training and she had passed all of them so far.

'Times up everyone. Please leave your parchment on the desk in front of you and then leave. Your results will be sent to you within the next few days.'

Megan was the first one to leave the classroom – she was about to throw up again. She rushed into the nearest bathroom she could find and threw up for at least ten minutes. When she finished, she realised she needed to get checked over; maybe being sick like this wasn't normal.

…

'I can't get seen until tomorrow afternoon?' she asked the receptionist, outraged.

'I'm sorry Ms Lupin, but we are extremely busy today and tomorrow morning. If it isn't an emergency, you will need to wait for an appointment.' The receptionist snapped at her.

'Fine, tomorrow, 3pm.' Megan said and walked out.

She made her way home and sent an owl to the shop for George.

'I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 3pm to check the baby, if you want to come. Don't worry if you can't – I'll go alone.'

She didn't sign it, or even say hi, or love you. She just wrote the note and sent it as it was; he would know who it was from.

…

By 7pm George still wasn't home. Megan had been sat in front of the fire for hours, reading paperwork, secretly hoping he would come back. I had hoped as soon as he got the letter he would come back. I hoped him seeing that in writing would have shocked him. Obviously not.

Megan thought back to a conversation she had with Fred not long after she and George had moved into their house. They knew the war was coming and Megan had blurted out one day, while they were alone in the house, 'Please look after him if anything happens to me.'

Fred looked shocked 'What?' he asked, his mouth open in awe.

'If anything happens to me, please make sure he's ok.' Fred was still in shock but nodded.

'I have to ask the same of you though.' He whispered.

Megan nodded back, tears in her eyes. She was really scared for this war.

'I'm sorry Fred.' She whispered into the air 'I'm sorry that I haven't looked after him.'

Megan could feel herself welling up again, so she decided to get her diary out and write down her thoughts instead.

'Dear Fred,

You've been gone 4 months now – it feels like a long 4 months. That could be because I live with a man, your brother, who seems to hate me. I don't know why, but I think he blames me for your death.

He hasn't touched me, spoke to me or even properly looked at me for 4 whole months. Even the last time we were *together* neither of us were really there. Now, I'm pregnant. And I'm scared. I don't want to be a single mum.

I started to pack a few things up yesterday – I don't think I'll be here much longer – he doesn't want me to be. I still wear my engagement ring, but only because every time I start to take it off, I get too sad. I don't want to take it off, but when someone hasn't spoken to you in 4 months, it's time to realise that you aren't what they want anymore.

I love your brother so much, but he is hurting me and I'm not sure I can cope much longer.

Fred, sometimes I think it would have been better if I died that night. If you were here, he would be whole again and he would eventually be able to get over me, move on and have a future with someone new. Without you, he is lost and broken, and I fear he will be this way forever. Without me, that would probably only last a short while.

Fred, please believe me when I say I am so sorry that I haven't been able to look after him the way I said I would.'

…

Megan had fallen asleep on the chair and only woke up when she nearly dropped the glass of water she was holding. Forgetting about her letter, which had fallen to the floor, she put her glass on the coffee table and went to bed. It was past midnight by this time, and she knew George wasn't home as the door to the bedroom he slept in was open and there was no sign of him.

Megan fell asleep quickly, curling up in the middle of the bed as she had done for the past 3 months, when she realised that he wasn't coming back to their bed again.

…

George stepped out of the fireplace and noticed a glass sitting on the coffee table; was Megan still up? He hoped not. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

It was then that he noticed the paper on the floor; as he went over to pick it up, he noticed the 'Dear Fred' at the top. Why is she writing to Fred? He thought to himself. He knew he shouldn't have, but he couldn't help reading what she had wrote.

What have I done to her? He thought, finishing the letter. She wishes she was dead, she feels like I don't love her, she thinks she's going to be a single parent? Fuck sake George, you are a fucking idiot. He thought, angrily.

He couldn't explain why he had been the way he was. He distanced himself from her because he didn't want to hurt her or get close to her in case, she hurt him. Absolute fucking idiot. He refused to look at her because he didn't want pity; he refused to touch her because he didn't want to feel loved; he refused to sleep in the same bed as her because he didn't deserve to be happy while his brother lay in the cold ground.

When he heard her being sick and went to the bathroom to see her, he realised then that she was pregnant. That was how she had been the first time; the morning sickness had been horrendous. He turned away because although he wanted to be happy, he didn't know how to be. What happened if this baby died too? He loved their first baby, even though Megan was only 13 weeks pregnant when she had the miscarriage.

Also, the fact that his brother would never get to feel the joy of knowing that he was having a baby, so George shouldn't feel it either.

Survivors guilt he thought. That's what this is. Why did I survive when he didn't? he thought, bitterly.

'Fred' he said out loud 'I hope you don't hate me for this, but I have to start trying to move on. I have to start trying to be happy. You will always be my other half mate, but I have to try. For their sakes.'

George cried a bit while he said this, thinking of his other half; thinking about what he would say to that. Hoping he was happy for him; smiling down on him.

George made his way out of the living room about 1.30am; instead of going in to the spare room, he made his way to her bedroom. Their bedroom. He hesitated in the doorway – going back in there meant that he had to try. He had to do anything he could to be happy.

He noticed she was sleeping differently; he used to marvel at how she slept – always on the right-hand side of the bed, always in the same position with her back to the door. She barely moved all night. Now though, she was lying on her back, almost diagonal across the bed. George undressed and slipped in beside her. She was still a light sleeper.

'Who's there.' She asked, sitting upright.

'It's just me' George whispered.

'Oh' she said, looking at him.

'Is it ok if I sleep here?' he asked.

'Of course.' She responded, lying back down and closing her eyes. She didn't touch him or move to make more room, she just went back to sleep again.

George sighed, he deserved that. He eventually fell asleep too.

…

Megan woke up to the sound of the front door closing and opened her eyes. Her clock said it was 11.18am. Maybe I dreamt him being in my bed She thought. I know that's what I want, maybe I dreamt it was finally happening.

She tried to go back to sleep for a bit longer, since she had no work and her appointment wasn't until 3pm, but suddenly she could smell bacon.

Megan cautiously made her way to the kitchen and was shocked to see George standing there, fully dressed and cooking breakfast. She didn't know what to say so she just stood there, in shock, until he noticed her.

'Hi.' He said, staring at her.

Megan raised an eyebrow at him then turned around and walked back to her bedroom. He heard the ensuite door closing and the shower turning on and sighed. Hi. Maybe start with sorry next time, you dolt.

When the breakfast was ready, he plated it up and took it through to her bedroom, where she was now dressed in black leggings and a long vest top that covered her bum, looking at herself in the mirror. She was rubbing her hands on her stomach; how he didn't realise she was pregnant before, he would never know. She had a clear little bump. Of course you didn't notice, you've barely looked at her for 4 months.

'You look beautiful' he said, from the doorway, holding the plate and also a bunch of flowers he had bought her while he was out.

Megan turned around to look at him. She really was beautiful, even when she was angry.

'I need to talk to you' he said.

'Now? After 4 months?' she asked, bitterly.

George closed his eyes 'I'm sorry' he sighed 'I'm so sorry.'

He set the plate down on the side table nearest him, the flowers on the bed and walked over to her. She held her hands up to him to tell him where to stop, which he did.

'I found this' he said, producing the letter from his trouser pocket.

'And you read it?!' she cried, snatching the letter off of him.

'I couldn't help it. I went to pick it up as it was lying on the floor when I got home last night, and then I noticed who it was to. Megan, I'm sorry I read it but at the same time I'm not sorry ok? This letter, it gave me the shock I needed to wake up and realise what I was doing. How much I was hurting you.'

'I don't hate you, I love you more than anything. I don't wish you had died; if you had, I would be like this and I would have nothing to live for. Fred was my brother but you, you are my future. I do want to marry you and I am so glad you haven't removed your ring. I never want you to take it off.'

Megan was crying now 'The last 4 months though' she started.

'I have been a dick – I know. Now, I don't want to be like that. I want to make sure I am here for you.'

'You wouldn't even look at me.' She cried. 'I waited every single night for you to come to our bed, to come in and just hold me and you never did. I tried to come to you, but you pushed me away every single time.'

'You made me feel like I was nothing; like I would ever be good enough for you.'

'I know. I know, and I feel like a dick. I will never forgive myself for these last 4 months; but I want to make sure they don't happen again and to do that, I need you to help me.'

Megan didn't answer. 'I need to finish getting ready' she said, turning away from him.

George was heartbroken; this was going to be harder than he thought. He didn't want to push her, so he picked up the plate of food and went back to the kitchen. He heard her coming through 15 minutes later but continued doing the dishes. Suddenly, he felt her arms wrap around him.

'I can't pretend the last 4 months didn't happen, but I need you now. I need you to help me through this. I'm scared for today.'

'What? Why?' he asked, worried about her.

'I just am. I keep thinking about last time – what if it happens again?' she whispered.

George didn't know what to say; that had been his thoughts too.

'Look. Let's just go to this appointment and then once I know everything is ok, we will come back and talk ok?' she said.

'Yes, of course.'

Megan nodded and got a vase out of the cupboard for her flowers. She then sat down at the breakfast bar to eat the food he had made her.

…

'So, the baby is ok?' Megan asked the healer. She had already asked the nurse this 3 times.

'Ms Lupin, I understand your worry after what happened, but yes your babies are fine.'

'Umm, excuse me – babies?' she asked.

'Yes, Ms Lupin. Babies. Congratulations – you're having twins.' The healer said, smiling at both her and George.

Megan looked at George; he was looking at the scan. 'Twins' he whispered, smiling at her.