Chapter Nineteen
two years later
Elena couldn't believe it. After everything that she's been through, the heartbreak, the accident, the pain, and the recovery, life had thrown this at her like it was no big deal. There were no words. Nothing could describe the immense amount of hurt and sadness she felt right now. Tears leaked from her eyes and she sank to the floor, cradling the phone like it was her last lifeline.
Liam enters the room and sees Elena's curled up figure sitting on the floor. "Oh my god, Elena, what's wrong? What happened?"
"It's all ruined...the progress I've made...my strides towards actual happiness...I'm back to the beginning. It all came crashing down."
"Please...tell me what happened, Elena…"
Sniffling, Elena clutches Liam's outstretched hand and pulls herself up. She staggers over to the couch and collapses on it. "They're dead...they're dead…"
"Who's dead…?" Liam questions softly.
"My parents!" Elena cries, throwing the phone against the wall. "My mom, dad, and Jeremy were in a car crash! A car crash, Liam! Do you know what this means?! It means that my brother is all by himself in the hospital right now, and he's dealing with the grief all alone! He's alone, dammit! He's going through the same exact thing that I did, except worse! And here I am, huddled away in freaking New York, still! Screw cars, screw New York, screw my shitty life. I just need to find myself a toilet and flush myself down it, because I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to go on without them…"
"Hey, hey, Elena...come here. Shh, hey," Liam soothes, holding Elena in his embrace. Her body is racked with sobs while he continues to comfort her. "Do you want to go home to Mystic Falls? I know you've missed it. Your friends and your brother are there. It's okay…"
"I can't keep going back and forth. I have to find a place and stay there. If I go, Liam, I'm not coming back to New York. Everywhere I go, my bad luck seems to follow me anyways. I'm practically a walking curse."
"You weren't a curse to me," Liam assures her. "I understand, though. Mystic Falls is your home. You and your brother need each other."
"And what about us? What, are we just going to end everything? It was going so well, Liam. We were good, we had simplicity and compatibility and it was the greatest thing that came out of my life here at New York," Elena sobs. "Everything about my New York life sucks, except you."
"If you want, we can try long-distance, but I don't know how that'll work out. Let's put it this way...if we were meant to be, then we'll find our way back to each other. Who knows, maybe I'll move to Mystic Falls one day. If not, then so be it. We both know how good of a run we had together, and it was something much needed after years of emotional turmoil. I'll always love you, Elena, which is why I want you to go back and live your life. This might not be a goodbye, but if it is…" Liam leans in and kisses Elena passionately on the lips.
"I'm sorry that I've never been able to say it back…" Elena tells him with a devastated look on her face.
"Don't be. It's alright. We leaned on each other when we both needed it the most, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I truly hope that we'll keep in touch over the years."
"Yeah...me, too. I'll call you every day that I'm not having a mental breakdown," Elena gives Liam a tight hug.
"You better," Liam teases. "See you around, Elena." Liam gives one last salute before leaving Elena's dorm. She leans against the wall, looking around one last time before grabbing items and shoving them into boxes.
—
Elena swiftly got out of her car and closed the door in a harsh fashion. She unlocked the door to her old house and walked in, slightly reminiscent of all the good memories she had in the place. Everything looked like it had before she left. And to think, of all the scenarios she could have come back to, she returned home because of a funeral.
Elena slowly treaded down the hallway full of pictures framed on the walls. There was one with her and Jeremy sitting on the porch swing with ice cream cones. Another was with Caroline and Bonnie at graduation. She even had one with Stefan practically lifting her off of her feet in a hug before she left for college. The further she walked down, the more depressed she became. Family portraits were hung in order by year.
There was the first one in 1992, before they had Jeremy and right after they had her. Miranda, holding baby Elena, and Grayson were sitting in lounge chairs with innocent smiles on their faces. As Elena went down the line, the pictures got more and more recent, just as the people in them aged older and older. Elena stopped at the last one in the row.
It was taken when her parents and Jeremy decided to surprise her in New York. About three months ago, it was taken right in front of the Statue of Liberty. They were all posed like cheesy tourists, which Elena absolutely adored.
And that was the last picture there would be of the whole family together. 'No more cliché family photos…' Elena thought bitterly. 'How did everything get so bad in just seven years?'
The door swung open and Jeremy entered with a briefcase. Elena looked up from her hands at the same down the briefcase was put down. That was when the siblings rushed towards each other with long strides and the sounds of sobbing filled the air.
"Oh, god, Jer...I can't believe-"
"-that they're gone...yeah, me too. It was horrible, Elena. I can't even stop thinking about it."
Elena squeezed him even tighter at the thought of what happened. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. And the fact that I wasn't even in the damn town, Jeremy…" Elena bursts into tears once more.
"No, no, hey. Nobody could've predicted that this would happen. You would know first-hand from experience, Elena."
"But you had to wake up alone! You were there for me, Jeremy! I should have been here for you! For them...I should have been here...and now they're dead. They're both dead...I can't...if I think about what you had to go through, and how I didn't even get to say goodbye to them, I can't breathe," Elena whispers, practically hyperventilating.
"Shh, shh, Elena. You're breaking down. I'm here."
"But they're not…our parents are dead, and I'm not okay. And I might never be okay. It was a car crash, Jer. I feel like hell, like I'm going to die…"
"Hey, Elena, I need you to calm down. We don't want you to relapse. Shh, it's okay..."
"It's not, Jeremy. It's not and you know it. These past years of my life have sucked beyond belief. I don't even know if I…"
"We'll travel, then. How does Europe sound? I know you've always wanted to visit Paris. Italy, maybe? We could travel anywhere you want to go. I promise you, we can move on. It'll all be in our past."
"I've been running for the past seven years, Jeremy. I can't keep doing it. I have to face what happened and I have to move on from it. Everything that happened, everything I went through...running isn't going to solve those problems."
"Of course, Elena. We'll do what you think is what's best. If you want to stay, then we'll stay."
"I do. I need to get a grip on my shit-filled life."
"Okay. I guess staying here is the best option, huh?"
Elena sniffs and nods. "Wait, wait...where's Meeko? Is he here?"
Jeremy gestures up the stairs, which Elena immediately bolts up. She scans the hallway for any black and white fur. Finally spotting a tail wagging in the doorway of the bathroom, Elena walks towards it and gushes when she's greeted by Meeko's tongue.
"Aw, Meeko, how are you, boy? How am I? To be quite honest, I feel like jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, but don't worry. I'm not suicidal, so I won't do it. You, mister, are the only thing that's keeping me from bawling my eyes out once again," Elena admits while rubbing Meeko between the ears. "I've missed you. But you know what? You're going to be seeing a lot more of me, because I'm staying in Mystic Falls permanently. Yup, no more New York. I can participate in the residency program at Mystic Falls General and become an actual doctor, just like Dad was…" Elena trails off and turns around, sensing that Jeremy had come up the stairs and was gazing sadly at her. She returns his look with a sad smile and stands up.
After letting out a huge sigh and wiping her face from residual tears, she walks over to Jeremy. "So...what time's the funeral…?"
—-
"If you feel that you're going to relapse at all, let me know, okay, Elena? This is going to be hard for you, considering what you've been through. And if you need to, you can step outside," Jeremy tells her.
They were both donning funeral attire, ready to attend their parents' wake. Tears were threatening to spill over her cheeks once again, but she tried to hold it together.
"Yeah, of course. Jer...we're never going to be free of this stuff, are we? This...whatever this is...whatever life we've been living for the past years. There's so much sadness and grief that I'm about to burst from the seams."
"You're right, everything that's happened to us has left some scars, literally and figuratively. You're all that I've got left, 'Lena. If this bad luck or whatever you want to call it continues, I'm glad that I'm going to be stuck in it with my sister."
"That's touching, but not entirely true. You have Bonnie as well, Jer. Remember your wedding that's coming in the summer? Remember your ring? Unlike me, if I somehow die, you'll still have her. But if you do, who the hell am I supposed to go to? Who am I supposed to cry to when my last living relative bites the dust? You and Bonnie are getting married, Stefan and Caroline are married ever since the summer, and I'll just be here with Meeko. Not that that's a bad thing, but still."
Jeremy's eyebrows dip in confusion. "What happened to Liam? I thought you guys were good together."
"I've moved back to Mystic Falls, Jeremy. He lives in New York, and the long-distance kind of relationship wouldn't work out. We parted on good terms, and we still care for each other, but if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be."
"Well, I think that the person you've always loved is closer than you think," Jeremy replies in a quiet voice. Elena raises her eyebrows and is about to question him, but Jeremy holds his watch up. "It's time to go. You ready?"
"I'll never be ready to see our parents in caskets. But sometimes, life isn't fair."
—
Elena and Jeremy arrive at the church, tightly holding the other's hand. Elena looks at Jeremy, and he returns her gaze with a reassuring nod. Elena crushes the tissue in her palm that she was holding and attempts to blink back her tears.
"If you happen to feel like you're going to relapse or if it's just too much, let me know, okay?" Jeremy tells Elena with a feeble smile.
"I'll try not to have an anxiety attack," Elena replies shakily. This was going to be extremely hard. Seeing her parents' dead bodies, which were the result of a car accident, and being that she had been in a nearly fatal one not too long ago, she wasn't sure how she was physically standing. Elena reminded herself that she needs to keep it together for her brother, one of the few that has stood with her through her personal issues. "We'll survive this, Jer. Together."
"Together," Jeremy repeats quietly. They enter the church and take their seats in the front row. The others were seated behind them. Caroline, Stefan, Bonnie, Matt, and Alaric. Every one of them had been good friends with the Gilbert parents.
Surprisingly, two more people joined Elena and Jeremy in the front row.
"Aunt Jenna, hi," Elena looks up and sees the kind but sorrowful look in her aunt's eyes.
"Elena, Jeremy, it's great to see you," Jenna smiles sadly. "I wish it was under better circumstances, but good all the same. I've missed you guys."
"We missed you, too," Jeremy tells her, squeezing Jenna's shoulder. "How long are you staying in town?"
"For a while. I know you're both grown adults, but it'd be nice to spend some time with close family," Jenna admits. "Would you mind?"
"Of course not. You're welcome anytime," Elena murmurs. "Forewarning, we have an incredibly adorable border collie."
"I love dogs, so that's a plus. You have no idea how grateful I am for your guys' gesture."
"It's not a problem, Aunt Jenna," Jeremy looks around Jenna's shoulder. "Uncle John. It's nice of you to join us."
"Jeremy, Elena," John shortly nods. "It's been too long."
"Not long enough," Elena mutters so quietly that John doesn't hear her. "Are you going to be staying with us too, Uncle John?"
"I'll be around town, but I won't intrude into your house," John replies stiffly. "Mystic Falls is quite small, so I'm sure we'll run into each other from time to time."
"Right…" Elena folds her hands into her lap and aimlessly looks around the church. Her eyes land on the caskets enclosing their parents. She immediately adverts her gaze and tugs at a loose thread on her dress.
All heads snap up when the funeral music begins playing softly and everyone stands. The pastor approaches the podium and clears his throat.
"We meet here today to honor the lives of Miranda and Grayson Gilbert. It is important for us to collectively acknowledge and accept that the world has fundamentally changed with their passing. Life will not be the same, nor should it be. Together, let us open our hearts and commemorate the impact that Grayson and Miranda had on us. Stand in silence for a moment as we all remember the memories that they have graced upon us."
Elena grips the pew in front of her and shifts from foot to foot. Noticing Elena's discomfort, Jeremy squeezes her hand and gives her a concerned look. Elena shakes her head in response and gives a soft smile. She mouths 'I'm fine'."
"It is now time for Elena and Jeremy Gilbert to come up for their eulogies. The siblings make their way out of the pew and up to the podium. Elena takes her place first in front of the microphone.
After taking a huge breath, Elena starts, "Everyone in this town knew our father. As the town doctor, he cared and appreciated every one of his patients. And knowing how accident-prone Mystic Falls is, he knew almost all of the citizens in this town." Elena offers a small smile when people quietly chuckle. "He was deeply loved and appreciated by all of you, and he returned the feeling without hesitation. His heart was as big as his brain, which was pretty large if you ask me. My brother and I have been through a lot of tough spots in our lives, and our parents were always there to help us. This is one of the hardest things that's ever happened to us, and our parents aren't here, but that's okay. I know what our father and mother would be saying to us. 'Elena, Jeremy, being without parents is next to impossible, but you guys are two of the strongest people we know. Stick together, and you guys will be able to survive this. We love you.' Goodbye, Mom and Dad. You'll be dearly missed."
She steps away from the microphone and allows Jeremy to start his eulogy about their mom. Elena tries her hardest to focus on his words, but her eyes keep drifting towards the caskets. Knowing that your parents were dead was one thing, but seeing their still bodies laying in adjacent caskets did it for Elena.
Her eyes widened and she let out a short gasp. Her breathing began to speed up and images of her past accident flashed through her brain. She quickly mumbled, "I'm sorry, excuse me…" before rushing off of the altar and out of the building. She was vaguely aware of people calling her name. Vaguely aware of making it through the parking lot and crossing the street without a second thought. Vaguely aware of cars honking and screeching to stop from running into her. Vaguely aware of how hard she was breathing. The images would not stop, the sounds were as loud as ever, and it all gave Elena a headache. She just kept walking, and was vaguely aware of when she ran right smack into a person.
"Watch it, woman," the man mutters, clearly annoyed that he'd just been plowed into.
"My bad," Elena whispers quietly, not even bothering to look up. "I'm sorry." Was it so hard to find to a quiet place to call the person she knew would help her through this? Elena began walking away when the man suddenly grabbed her wrist. "Please let me go…"
"Elena Gilbert…"
That voice whipped her head up. This was the last person she needed to run into at this moment. When her tear-filled, chocolate-brown eyes met his unwavering, icy-blue ones, she stumbled backwards.
"This is rich," Damon mutters. "Why the hell weren't you watching where you were going?"
At this point, Elena wasn't sure if she was completely sane or not. Her mental state was a mess, and no thanks to him. Out of the blue, Elena began to laugh. "You're right, this is rich." Elena couldn't stop. Her laughing was becoming more high-pitched, more hysterical. "I can't take this anymore," Elena chokes out as her laughs turn into sobs.
"What's wrong with you?" Damon questions, not showing the least bit of sensitivity.
"Everything. Everything about me is wrong, and it would be so easy to end it. I want to stop this endless suffering. For me and for everyone who surrounds me. I should have died," Elena cries, sinking to her knees. "It should have been me. Just me…" Everything felt numb. She didn't notice the hands on her shoulders or the penetrating gaze fixed on her. She just sat there, completely motionless.
More voices appeared, but Elena didn't hear any of them. She just sat there. Faces lined up in her peripheral vision, but she was too lost to react. She was lost, period.