Chapter Twenty

She was lost, period.

Now Elena was swarmed with people surrounding her, but nothing registered. Everything was numb. Voices were shouting, but she couldn't make them out. Something was fading, but she wasn't sure what. Finally, her eyes squeezed shut and she collapsed on the ground, unmoving.

—

Breathing was becoming easier. Elena wasn't sure what it was, how it happened. She could hear her heart steadily pumping blood through her body. Sounds faded in and out, but she couldn't make anything of it. Visions of the accident no longer swarmed her mind, which she was incredibly thankful for. Moving wasn't a privilege for her, apparently. Not yet.

—

This time, she could hear things. Distinct sounds. Voices. They didn't sound far away anymore. They were loud and clear. And there was an irritatingly steady beeping sound. It sounded familiar. Too familiar. Elena was desperate now. She wanted to get out of whatever limbo she was stuck in. Using as much strength as she could, she forced her eyes open. She forced herself to continue living.

Elena stared blankly at the faces looking at her. Déjà vu, perhaps? She recognized where she was, and it caused her to internally groan. It seems as though her progress through the past couple years had completely backtracked. She was back where she started, the hospital.

"Why am I here?" Elena asks bluntly, as she couldn't take all of the depressing looks on their faces.

"Elena…" Jeremy starts but trails off due to tears choking him up.

Jenna comes forward and sits on the bed next to Elena. "Elena, there's really no good way to say this, so I'm just going to spit it out. You were in a catatonic state for the last three weeks."

"Was I? I thought I just fainted…" Elena muses quietly. "Or maybe I had such a strong will to die right there, and that's the closest my body got to it."

More tears are shed when Elena looks back up at everyone's faces. "I don't feel that way anymore. Did I have a relapse? Is that what happened?"

"Elena...you ran from the church during the eulogies. Do you remember that?" Elena nods. "Do you remember what happened after that?"

"I just kept waking. I'm pretty sure I almost got hit by a car and I ran into someone. Damon. I ran into Damon and he was an ass. I think that was my breaking point. Why am I so skinny?" Elena quickly changes topics.

"You were unresponsive to everything, so Meredith had to tube-feed you. Back to the point. You don't remember anything else?"

"I remember everything fading in and out. I couldn't hear clearly. I couldn't move or react or do anything. And then I remember the lovely cement hitting my head. That's all."

"None of us knew what was happening. You were unresponsive to everything. Oh, god, we were so worried," Caroline exclaims while wiping tears from her face.

"Thank you all for being here," Elena mumbles before swinging her legs to the side of the bed. "Now let me get the hell out." She begins pulling tubes from her arms but Jenna stops her.

"Elena, you've been catatonic for the past few weeks. You need to regain your strength and rest here for a couple of days," Jenna advises.

"And as much as you don't want to admit it, you're not okay, Elena. Uh, Damon told us how you said you wished you were dead. You just relapsed and ended up catatonic due to all of the emotional trauma. We need to get you more help," Jeremy tells her.

"I had help, Jer. Wes helped me, and I worked through all of my issues. Everything that just happened was momentary, okay? I don't want to kill myself. I can't...that would be selfish of me. I was just spouting off shit that I didn't really mean. And I can regain my strength at home, Jenna," Elena says before pulling out the rest of her tubes. She wobbles a little when she stands but doesn't fall. "Let's get out of here, please."

"Elena…" Stefan warns in a concerned tone. "I don't think-"

"I don't want to think about it, okay? Not about any of these depressing emotions. I just want to get to the comfort of my own home and stay there. No more shrinks, no more therapy, no more talk about my instability. At least not for a very long time," Elena proposes.

"...we should talk about this eventually, Elena. We have to," Jeremy sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

"And we will," Elena assures, "I just can't now. It's too soon. Now will you guys please get me out of here?"

—

the next day

"So...anything interesting happen while I was drifting in some mind-void?" Elena asks as she takes a big bite of her grilled cheese. Caroline, Bonnie, and herself were hanging out in Elena's house alone, since Jenna and Jeremy were both out.

"Uh, nothing that you'd want to know," Caroline chirps as she sits down at the table. Elena looks from Caroline to Bonnie and back to Caroline.

"Are you sure? Three weeks is a while to be kept out of the loop."

"Well, seven years is a while to be kept out of the loop," Bonnie informs her with a teasing smile.

"Ah, you're right, Bon. I've been away at New York for seven years, but now I'm back. And it's not like you guys didn't call me every week to inform me of everything going on. But unlike being in New York, I was in a catatonic state where cellphone reception was not a thing, so care to explain what I missed?" Elena smiles sweetly but her eyes give a 'you'd better tell me' look."

"Honestly, it's really nothing. We all spent most of the time with you in the hospital, but you just had...an unexpected visitor, per say."

"Oh, it's more than that, Bonnie. Remember, Damon kept checking in on you when he thought no one was in the room. He was really worried about you, 'Lena. You should've seen his face when you collapsed."

"Caroline!" Bonnie scolds.

"What? It's true! This is the most human he's acted ever since you left five years ago. Usually, he's a cold, sadistic, snarky asshole and doesn't know-"

"Caroline," Bonnie shakes her head and gives Elena a quick glance before looking back at Caroline. "Plus, I think the fact that he's hanging out with Katherine overrules anything good he does these days. Which is little to nothing," Bonnie mutters before rolling her eyes.

"He's still hanging out with Katherine?" Elena asks with distaste.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure he calls it a 'relationship', but they're really just using each other for sex," Caroline says. "Trust me, it's annoying as hell. I hear them every almost night in the bedroom next to ours."

"Still," Elena repeats, dumbfounded. "How come you've never told me this stuff over the phone?"

"We just figured you didn't care about anything Damon did anymore. And something like that isn't a topic we thought you'd want to chat about over the phone," Bonnie confesses.

"I...let's change the topic," Elena finishes up her grilled cheese. "Bonnie, you and my brother are getting married this summer! We're gonna be sister-in-laws!"

Bonnie's smile widens and she nods. "We are! We're gonna be family!"

"Aw, you guys are already my family," Elena grins as she looks at Caroline and Bonnie. "I've missed you both so much."

"We've missed you too, 'Lena, but you already knew that," Caroline says with a laugh.

"We're just glad that you're home for good," Bonnie adds.

"On the topic of relationships, what happened with you and Liam?"

"Oh, we ended things on a good note. It was a good and easy relationship, which I needed at the time. He lives in New York though, and I live here. It wouldn't have worked."

"You don't look too distraught over it," Caroline points out.

"We're still good friends. He said he'll always love me, and that's why he let me go."

"Have you ever told him that back?"

"No," Elena admits with a sheepish smile. "I don't know why. It just didn't feel right."

"I think I know why," Caroline sings.

Elena cocks an eyebrow at her in confusion. "And why is that?"

"Because you still love-" Caroline starts to say but Bonnie slaps her hand over her mouth.

"Please tell me that you weren't going to say Damon," Elena muses.

Caroline shrugs in response, and Bonnie suddenly pulls her hand away, wiping it viciously on Caroline's shirt.

"Care, why the hell did you lick me?" Bonnie complains as she dries her hand off.

"What'd you expect?" Caroline deadpans before turning back to Elena. "As a matter of fact, yes, I was going to say Damon."

"Care, he's the reason I'm on this freakishly annoying emotional rollercoaster in the first place. I know it's been years since our falling out, but I'm not ready to forgive and forget. Plus, he's acting like an asshole. You said so yourself."

"Right, but that's only because he doesn't have a good influence in his life," Caroline argues.

"Stefan's not helping him out?"

"Damon cut all ties with us. He sleeps at the boarding house, but that's it. No interaction with him, whatsoever," Caroline informs, quietly muttering, "Thank god."

"Sounds like he's turned out to be a swell fellow," Elena murmurs sarcastically. "I guess we'll just have to see how things end."

"Yup," Caroline replies, popping the p. "In the meantime, we need to throw you a welcome home party!"

"A party?" Elena's forehead creases as she thinks it over. "I really don't need a party. Everyone already knows I'm back."

"It's for fun, 'Lena! Did you forget what that is? C'mon, let's hold it at the Grill. Pleaseee?"

Elena sighs and gives in. "Fine. Only because I know you won't give up until I say yes."

"Tonight at six! Be there," Caroline squeals before grabbing Bonnie's arm and dragging her towards the door. Bonnie gives Elena a quick wave before she's ushered out. Elena smiles to herself, finally remembering what home feels like.

—

When Elena arrived at the Grill, she immediately wished she hadn't. She hoped that the party would be kept to a minimum, but knowing Caroline, there was no such thing.

"Elena!" Caroline shrieks and comes over to her. "You're on time!"

"Of course I am," Elena smiles. "Why are there so many people here tonight?"

"Don't underestimate yourself, 'Lena. You were always a pretty popular person in this town."

"Oh? I didn't realize," Elena admits. Her smile returns when Stefan comes over to join them and swings an arm over Caroline's shoulder.

"Hey, 'Lena. Glad you could make it to your own party," Stefan teases.

"Yeah, it's pretty cool," Elena nods. "A little crowded for my taste, but whatever."

"Well, have fun. We'll be by the drinks," Stefan winks before leading himself and Caroline away.

Elena sighs and looks around. She chuckles when she sees Alaric sitting at the bar and goes to join him.

"Ric, hi," she greets with a grin.

"Elena, hey!" Alaric pulls her in for a hug. "You look good, considering everything you just went through."

"What can I say? Keeping all of the bad emotions hidden really makes a difference."

Alaric begins to give a disapproving look, but Elena shoots him a silencing glance back. "No comment, alright? Let's just enjoy the evening." She turns towards the bartender. "Tequila, please."

"So, Elena, how was medical school? Did you get your degree?"

"Yup. I can officially start my internship at the hospital, but that won't be for another couple months, at least."

"How come?"

"I just need some time. I know I say that about everything, but the hospital is where bad memories surface for me. I need to face my feelings before stepping back into medicine, and I can't do that until I'm ready to confront the bad ones."

"That's completely understandable. How did you get through these tough times in New York?"

"I had help. My parents stayed with me for some time. I had a psychiatrist who got me through my issues, as well as Liam, who was practically my safety net. I don't have a safety net here, so I can't spill my deep, dark thoughts. Not yet, at least."

"Got it," Alaric raises his glass while Elena grabs hers and they clink. After downing her drink, Elena starts to giddily smile until she sees someone enter.

As he approaches her, Elena quickly turns to Alaric, letting her hair block the view she had of him. Sadly, just because she couldn't see him didn't mean he couldn't see her.

"Elena," Damon greets shortly.

Elena tucks her hair back behind her ear before putting on a fake smile. "Damon...hi," Elena says as she turns her back towards him and orders another tequila. She eyes Alaric who just stood up and abruptly walked away from the bar.

"Care if I join you?" Damon sits in the empty seat next to Elena.

"I'm sure my opinion isn't going to deter you from sitting there. Not a fan of rhetorical questions, by the way," Elena mutters before sipping her drink.

"My bad," Damon orders himself a drink. "So, Elena, how's life going for you?"

"Same old, same old. It's not like I wasn't in a catatonic state for three weeks or anything," Elena finishes her glass and slams it on the bar. "Thanks for that, by the way."

Something that looks like guilt flickers in Damon's eyes, but it's gone before Elena had the chance to overthink it.

"It wasn't my fault that you were an emotional mess that day," Damon retorts coldly.

"Of course not. But if you felt even the slightest twinge it guilt, you would've visited me at the hospital, correct?"

"Well, I didn't because you're not my problem," Damon replies before swallowing his drink whole.

"Stubborn as ever, but still a horrible liar," Elena mutters before rolling her eyes.

"I don't point out all of your flaws, Gilbert," Damon tells her.

Elena's about to retort but her phone begins vibrating in her pocket. She takes it out and sees that it's Liam. Smiling, Elena answers the phone, "Liam, hey. You're actually calling me first, huh?" She happily ignores the change in Damon's demeanor and spins away from him.

"Hah, yeah, I thought we could do with some change around here. I heard what happened. Are you okay?"

"Okay is such a vague term," Elena says softly. "I don't know if I'll ever be completely okay. All I know is that the bad emotions are going bye-bye for a while. It's too much to deal with at once."

"Just don't keep it bottled up for too long. You've got to face your feelings at some point, Elena," Liam advises. "Promise me that you'll talk to someone about them."

"I will," Elena promises.

"Hey, sorry to cut this short, but I gotta go. Talk to you soon?"

"Talk to you soon," Elena confirms.

"Alright. Bye, Elena. Love you," Liam sings before hanging up. Elena also hangs up and spins around on the bar stool. She can see Damon's angry glare directed at the glass in his hand.

"What did that glass ever do to you?"

Shaking his head, Damon puts the glass down with an empty look in his eyes. He turns to face her, eyebrows furrowed. "So...this Liam guy, huh…?"

Elena mentally facepalms herself for being so stupid. She should've taken the phone call outside. "Katherine still, huh?" Elena replies in an even tone.

"I'm not drunk enough for this conversation," Damon mutters to himself.

Elena scoffs and gives Damon a pointed look, "Then you shouldn't have brought it up."

Damon opens his mouth to say something but decides against it. Instead, he asks, "Why are you back in town, after all these years?"

"New York was never permanent," Elena says quietly. "And I came back for my parents' funeral."

"Your parents died?" The utter shock on Damon's face would've been hilarious if Elena wasn't feeling so somber.

"You didn't know? Heh, it's been the talk of the town. It was, uh, it was the day when I ran into you and ended up collapsing," Elena informs him.

"Oh my god...I'm such a dick," Damon murmurs, not meeting Elena's gaze.

"Yeah, well, like you said, it wasn't your fault. I was and will always be an emotional mess. I'm permanently damaged goods," Elena admits while ordering two shots for them.

"Ditto," Damon replies. They both pick up their glasses and clink. "To being the most unstable people in Mystic Falls."

"Cheers," Elena says as they both take their shots.

"You weren't...you're not going to try to kill yourself or anything, right?"

Elena's eyes widen slightly at the amount of concern radiating off of Damon. She manages a small smile and shakes her head. "Like I told everyone, that was a momentary lapse of judgement. I'd never take my own life." Elena notices relief flood through Damon's eyes as much as he tries to hide it. "So, what have you been up to these past years?"

"I've been around," he casually states, running his hand through his hair. "You?"

"That sounds ominous coming from you. The same goes for me, though, so I guess I can't say anything. My life got screwed up in New York, even more so than here."

"I guess that's what happens when life gives you lemons," Damon says, matter-of-factly.

Elena nods her head slowly, but stops when she realizes that Damon and her were managing to have a civil conversation after all these years. She narrows her eyes, remembering what Caroline and Bonnie had mentioned to her earlier. "You don't seem as bad as everyone's telling me," Elena states outright. She figured there was no point beating around the bush.

"People's opinions don't matter to me, but I'm sure that whatever they're saying is true."

"Then why are you being decent with me right now? Look, I know that you're not the same person you were seven years ago. I'm not either. We both took a turn for the worse, whether we want to admit it or not. But why are you trying to confirm everyone's lowest expectations of you?" Elena knew that she didn't want to talk about anything serious tonight, but here she was, asking Damon why he acted this way.

"I'm not confirming anything, Elena. I know what they all think of me now, and they couldn't be more right. I'm not the same Damon you knew. I don't even remember what he was like anymore. People change, and there's nothing anyone can do about it."

"Believe whatever you want to believe, Damon, but we both know that's not true. It's getting late, I should leave if I want to make it home before it's too dark to see." Elena moves to stand up.

"It won't be dark for another thirty minutes. It'll take half that for you to get home."

"I walked here, and I don't really feel like taking any chances."

"You walked?"

"Didn't feel like driving," Elena mumbles. "See you around." She can see the gears turning in his mind and before she knows it, he's standing next to her.

"I'll walk you home, and no, I don't feel like arguing about this," Damon says while ushering Elena towards the door.

"Case in point. You're not what everyone makes of you. I appreciate the gesture all the same."

"You have no idea what I'm really like, Elena," Damon replies softly.

"But I remember who you were, and I know that he's still inside of you." At that note, they walk to Elena's house in a comfortable silence. After bidding farewell, Elena finally realized how much of her heart was actually missing.