Chapter Twenty-Three
Elena wakes with a start, her breathing heavy and palms sweaty. She roughly runs her hands through her hair and shakily draws a breath. It wasn't a bad nightmare, not nearly as vivid, but it was still there and it still had her shaken up. The stress was really taking a toll on her, not to mention her bottled up emotions. She squeezes her eyes shut, not noticing the hand on her arm.
"Elena. Hey, are you okay?"
Elena turns her head to see Damon there with concern etched into his features. Embarrassingly enough, she forgot that he was there for a minute. "You want the truth or the lie that everyone says?"
His forehead creases and his eyebrows dip in confusion. "The truth."
"Then, no, I'm not okay," she whispers, letting her hair fall in front of her face.
"What is it?"
"I had a nightmare," Elena whimpers. "I haven't had one in so long…"
"Oh...what was it about?"
"I never told you this, and I'm not sure if you've heard about it from anyone else...but I was in a car crash. It happened in New York. My friend and I were driving to a party, she was speeding. A police car was following us, so she slammed the breaks. The police car never stopped. It hit us from the back and the car flipped multiple times over. My friend died, and I was sent to the hospital for multiple injuries. The worst was that I was diagnosed with PTSD. I couldn't ride in a car for months, had nightmares almost every night, and went to therapy a couple times a week."
"God, Elena…" Damon murmurs. He silently wraps his arm around Elena's shoulders and she leans into him.
"The nightmares were always on repeat, always a flashback of the accident. It was so hard. Liam was there for me, he helped me through it. I can't remember the last time I had one. Tonight's was different, though. I wasn't in the car with Megan...I was with my parents. Their car went over a bridge, and that's how they died. I was with them, and we were all drowning together. It was cathartic in a way, knowing I was with them in our last moments. And then I woke up." She's shaking now as tears make their way down her cheeks.
Damon pulls her closer and strokes her hair in a comforting way. "It'll get better, Elena. It might not seem so now, but it will."
"This was my mind's cruel way to show that I can't hide anymore. My emotions, everything that I've been feeling...I've tried keeping them down. I wanted to ignore them and hope that they'd somehow go away. But they won't and I'm not okay," Elena cries. "My brain hurts and my heart hurts…everything hurts, and it's hell."
"I know the feeling," Damon replies softly. "Hell has the tendency to follow all of the wrong people."
Elena stays in Damon's arms with her head tucked against his chest. Her cries quiet down as he continues to soothe and hold her. They sit in silence together, quietly appreciating the warmth and comfort of each other.
Eventually, Elena speaks up in a meek voice. "Don't pretend to be the bad guy, Damon."
"Who says I'm pretending…" Damon whispers in a strained voice. He meets Elena's gaze with solemn eyes and offers a weak smile.
"Hey, I know what happened with Caroline's dad...that can be saved for another time. But just know that the bad guy wouldn't be sitting here with me, talking about my nightmares. I'd be here, alone and crying, if you weren't with me, so I'd like to thank you for that."
"Why thank me when I've caused so much of your pain?" Damon questions disheartenedly.
"Maybe so, but you're still here, and you're still you. You're allowing yourself to be worthy of forgiveness. Listen, we can't change our past, sadly, but don't fall victim to what people think of you now. We all still love you, Damon. You just need to unbury the part of you that's lost. I need to do the same." Elena blinks and lets out a laugh. "Man, I've never felt so deep in my life."
"Pretty damn solid advice, Elena. When did you become so knowledgeable?"
"So I've been told. I've always been knowledgeable, Damon," Elena grins. "It just kind of came to the surface when life decided to skewer me."
"I am not letting you out of my life again," Damon murmurs, burying his face in Elena's hair.
"Heh, I wouldn't want to be the one that got away," Elena smiles and closes her eyes, allowing sleep to come again.
—
Elena opens her eyes when the bright sunlight hits her face. She blinks rapidly and lifts her head up, but ends up hitting it on Damon's chin.
"Geez, Elena," Damon groans as he rubs his chin. "You've got a real hard head."
"Oh my god," Elena squeaks. "Sorry! But really, it's not my fault that we fell asleep like this. And it's not my fault that someone, cough, forgot to shut the curtains, which led to me being blinded and lifting my head up."
"So you're saying that I really just injured myself," Damon states, raising his eyebrows.
"Duh," Elena smiles but kisses him on the chin anyways. Damon's eyes flare and a happy expression overtakes his features. He hugs her to him and they sit on the bed for a while. Elena realizes that she's seeing more and more of the Damon that he claimed was gone. She mentally high-fived herself for being so observant.
"So...considering you revealed a skeleton in the closet, I guess it's only fair that I do the same," Damon remarks, sitting up on the bed.
"You sure? Don't wanna pressure you or anything," Elena says.
"No, it's okay. So, I guess this goes way back to the week of Miss Mystic Falls...alright, you have to understand that I was so confused and messed up at that time. Yes, I was having weird meetings with Katherine, but not for the reason that you think. We weren't having some secret rendezvous, I promise. She found me one day and we started talking. I was intrigued because she looked like you, but honestly, she was the complete opposite. A cold-hearted bitch she would be if she actually had one."
Elena makes a face but nods for him to continue.
"She kept filling my head with these thoughts and feelings. I wasn't in a good place at the time, so yes, I believed her. Katherine taught me most of what I know now. The humanity switch, how to compel, how to enjoy the kill…"
Elena unintentionally shudders at this but Damon relaxes her by tracing circles onto her hand. His eyes bore into hers as he continues. "I wish I could blame her for ruining me, but I can't. I did that all on my own. I was with Katherine on the day of Miss Mystic Falls. When I realized what time it was, I tried to get there as fast as I could, but I was late. I saw you dancing with Matt and got upset. I know I had no right, so screw me because I was a dick. I went into the woods and got on a blood-high basically. You were right when you called me out on it. There were so many emotions flooding through me that night, but they all led to anger. Yeah, I lashed out at you and yelled a bunch of things I didn't mean. Heh, I even stooped as low as trying to compel you," Damon chuckles humorlessly with a pinch of self-loathing.
Elena winces as she remembers the events of that night. She begins to intertwine her fingers with Damon's as he continues.
"When the blood wore off, the reality of what just happened had crashed down and I was a mess. My biggest fear had finally come to pass, and I hated myself so much that I ran away. Worst thing I could've done, really. By the time I got back, I heard that you were leaving and I'm pretty sure that what was left of my heart just broke. It was all my fault but the damage was done. I know you had college, but I knew that I drove you away as well. I am so sorry, Elena. God, I wish I could just erase those days from existence. I promised you that I'd fight for you and that I wouldn't go down the road that I did. I broke your trust and heart at the same time. I am really, really sorry, I-" Damon breaks off as the tears begin to flood his eyes.
Elena saw the remorse, sadness, and self-loathing pile up in Damon's features. She wraps her arms around his neck and embraces his shaking frame. "Shh, I'm here. I will forgive you as long as you forgive yourself for what happened. You made a mistake, we all do it."
"I made so many more, Elena. After you left, I felt like I lost everything. There was just a black hole taking the place of my heart. I spiraled. Drinking, killing, you name it. I cut Stefan out because I knew he wouldn't be able to help me. There was nothing he could do. I tried to go as far as sex with the one person who looked like you, but I couldn't do it. Physically and mentally, I couldn't get myself to do anything with her. Not as long as my humanity was on, so I flipped my switch. And then it came and just kept coming. I got worse but didn't feel anything about it. And then you arrived back in town for Jeremy's graduation. Bonnie, Stefan, and Caroline were so desperate to get me help that they dragged you back into it."
"I was a more than a little pissed when I found out you flipped your switch," Elena murmurs.
"You were, but you didn't give up even when I kept spitting false insults at you. It shocked me to see your face, but it didn't do anything for my humanity. That is, until you started belittling and comparing yourself to Katherine. Everything that you were saying about how unimportant you were in our relationship hurt me. I broke and called you out on it."
"I said more than one lie that day. Deep down, I knew that our relationship wasn't based around Katherine but I was hurt and angry."
"I know. Did you mean it when you said I had lost you forever?" Damon questions quietly.
"I really didn't want to lose you, but at the time, I had no idea what was going through your head. I left because I didn't know what to do or say around you anymore."
"When I realized that I had let you go a second time, I did the only thing I knew how to anymore. I lashed out. I threw things and broke things. Stefan, Caroline, and Bonnie were all yelling at me, but I didn't listen to them. My sense of compassion and love and anything rational went out the window. I was only left with the bad stuff and that's how I was for the last five years. My humanity seemed to be on a bit of a dimmer switch. Just a few months ago, I gave up on Katherine. There was no point in whatever we were doing with each other, and I haven't seen her since."
"So, she skipped town then," Elena mutters. "You killed Caroline's dad…"
"I had no idea it was her dad at the time. He was just food when I needed it. I ended up ripping his throat out, but when I saw Caroline standing there with a devastated look on her face, I ran. It really seemed to be a pattern. I stayed cold and seemingly heartless because I knew that's how everyone saw me. There was no point in denying the truth. And then I ran into you again, and acted like a dick again. You looked destroyed right then and there, and I practically put the nail in the coffin. You talked about how you wished you were dead, Elena. There was no way I would've admitted it at the time, but that freaking scared me. All of a sudden, you collapsed and that did me in. When I found out that you were in a catatonic state, my heart was in my throat, and yes, I did visit you. Seems as though I wasn't stealthy enough. I figured that if I just pushed you away some more, you wouldn't be stuck with the person you hated most. But that didn't work out, because I ended up walking you home and then you saved my life."
"And now here we are, telling life stories. Let me just be clear about something. I don't hate you, Damon. I may have said so the night I stormed out, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't. Doesn't mean I don't hate the way you handled things," Elena trails off and gives him a pointed look.
Damon sighs and nods, "You and me both. I was a stupid, idiotic, borderline brain-dead moron. Probably still am."
"No argument there," Elena smiles and then sobers up. "All in all, I'm glad you told me how you felt through all of this. It was nice to hear your side of things…"
"I really am sorry for how I screwed everything up," Damon says as his remorse and sorrow shine through.
"And I forgive you. Just know that you're going to have to forgive yourself eventually. You can't keep this weight on your shoulders forever."
"Once I make amends, then I'll consider letting it be in the past," Damon assures her.
Elena ponders for a moment and then tilts her head. "Do you think things would be different if I hadn't left?"
"Maybe, but I have the feeling that we'd end up in the same place. I was so screwed up and would've ended up hurting you again."
"I guess we can't think about the 'what ifs'. I'd be wondering all my life. So, now that we got all of the dark, horror stories out of the way, we should really try to rebuild all of those bridges that you've burned."
"You'll help me?" Damon asks, his eyes lighting up with unrelenting hope.
"Of course I will." Elena smiles and fixes Damon's collar. "It'll take time and effort, but I believe that we can prove that you've changed. Alright?"
"Alright," Damon agrees with a grin. "Any chance we can leave this room sometime today? We've been talking for ages."
"Maybe you just like hearing your own voice," Elena teases before jumping off the bed and towards the door.
"Oh, no, we're not going through the front door," Damon says as his eyes reveal the flash of mischievousness. "You trust me?" Elena nods and Damon grabs her by the waist. "We're jumping out the window today."
Elena's eyes widen but before she can protest, Damon had already jumped. They gracefully land on the ground and Elena looks wonderstruck. "I'll never understand the logic of what just happened. So where are we going?"
"Fancy a drink?" Damon takes Elena's hand and they make their way down the sidewalk.
"We're going to the Grill? I'm not much of a day-drinker," Elena says matter-of-factly.
"Then we'll play darts," Damon replies with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
"Ugh, no! You know I suck at darts, Damon," Elena complains, swatting at his arm. She begins rubbing her arms up and down, kicking snow along the way. "Remind me why we're walking outside when it's below freezing?"
"Maybe you should've grabbed a jacket," Damon teases.
"I didn't have a chance to, dumbass," Elena smiles. "You shoved me out the window with you."
"I did no such thing," Damon protests. He wraps an arm around Elena's shoulders and pulls her close to him.
Elena's surprised by the body heat radiating off of Damon. She gradually feels herself getting warmer, buried in Damon's arms. They arrive at the Grill, only to find it crammed with a bunch of people.
"Well, this is inconvenient," Elena points out. "Why are there so many people here?"
"Good question, but look. The darts are free," Damon smirks, guiding Elena over to them. He picks one up and examines the point before taking a shot at the dartboard, hitting the center head-on.
"Oh, god," Elena groans. She grabs a dart and walks up to the board, sticking it in the center. Turning around, she gives Damon a smile. "I did it."
"Pfft, smartass," Damon chuckles. He grabs another dart and puts it in Elena's hand. "You got this."
"I don't got this," Elena mutters before shooting the dart. It ends up landing on the wall that the dartboard is placed on. "Oh my, look at that pure skill."
"I'm pretty sure you got worse at this game, Elena. Here…" Damon grabs another one and places it in her palm. He lines her up in front of the board and stands behind. Grabbing her wrist, he focuses up the aim of the dart she's holding. "And…shoot."
Elena pulls her wrist back and flicks it, causing the dart to land close to the center of the board. She blinks a couple of times before breaking into a smile. Elena lifts her arms in the air victoriously and yells, "Yeah!" She turns around and wraps her arms around Damon's neck. "I feel accomplished," she whispers into his ear. He grins in response and buries his nose in her hair, relishing in her scent.
"Elena? Damon…?"
Elena whips her head around to see Caroline and Stefan standing by the entrance of the Grill. She gestures for them to come over, which they do so, cautiously. They suspiciously eye Damon who gives them a mocking smile in return.
"Hey," Elena greets them with a nod. "What's up?"
"What's up?" Caroline repeats with disbelief. "I don't understand. What's going on here?"
"What she means is 'what the hell are you doing with Damon'," Stefan clarifies.
Elena rolls her eyes and gestures towards the dartboard. "We're playing darts."
"It sounds like you're deflecting, Elena," Stefan implies. "You were hugging him."
"He can still hear you guys," Damon deadpans, his mouth curling into a cold smirk.
"Yeah, I was hugging him. Actually, I've been hanging out with him for the past couple days," Elena informs them.
"You've what?!" Caroline shrieks, eyes widening. "Elena!"
"Caroline!" Elena retorts. "Listen, guys, Damon is improving, okay? He has reasons why he's been the way he has. I'm not saying that it makes it right, but he's going to try to fix his mistakes. Starting with apologizing." Elena gives Damon a pointed look.
"Look, Caroline, I am really sorry for killing your dad," Damon says sincerely. "I didn't know who he was at the time, but when I saw your face, I knew I screwed up. I ran because I'm a coward. And I'm sorry to both of you for being such a monumental dick all these years. I hope, overtime, you'll be able to forgive me."
Caroline and Stefan both look stunned, unsure of what to say. Eventually, Stefan stutters, "Uh, we're glad you apologized, Damon. You're really taking a step in the right direction. It's good to have you back, brother."
"Yeah, you were kind of an asshole, but I guess all that matters is that you're getting better," Caroline states, looking at her shoes.
"Drink, brother?" Damon tilts his head and looks at Stefan who nods.
"Why not."
Damon gives Elena a warm smile before heading to the bar with Stefan. Caroline suddenly grabs Elena's wrist and drags her off towards the bathroom. When they're alone, Caroline squeals and traps Elena in a big hug.
"Elena, you are a lifesaver! We tried everything to get Damon back, but nothing worked. I guess all he needed was you," Caroline sings. "Stefan's been mopey for the past years, but now he's got his brother back. Thank you!"
"Heh, I didn't really do anything," Elena mumbles. "Kinda had a heart to heart, but…"
"Well, it obviously has to do with how much you guys still love each other. Are you back together?"
"Um, I don't know what we are. I guess we're more than friends, but I don't think we're back together. It's complicated," Elena laughs.
"Can you finally admit what everyone's been telling you though?"
Elena sheepishly nods. "Yeah. Yeah, I still love him. I guess I never realized how much I needed him until he helped me through my nightmare."
"You had another nightmare?" Caroline cocks her head with concern.
"It wasn't as vivid, but it was worse than usual. I was in the car with my parents and we were all drowning together," Elena explains.
"Oh, you poor thing! That sound horrible." Caroline squeezes Elena's shoulder. "Wanna play some pool?"
"I suck at pool, Care," Elena reminds her. "Almost as much as I suck at darts."
"That just means I'm sure to win," Caroline giggles. "C'mon." She leads Elena back out of the bathroom and they begin playing pool.
"I can't hit a ball for the life of me," Elena whines.
"Nah, I'm sure you'll do great, 'Lena," Caroline assures her before smiling wickedly.
—
Three games later, Elena throws down her cue stick down in frustration. "I give up!"
Caroline's uncontrollable laughter only gets louder as she sees Elena's expression. "You shot the ball off the table and bounced it against someone's back. Priceless, Elena."
Elena shoots the back of Caroline's head a glare and covers her own with her hood. "I am so not playing with you again." She feels a tap on her shoulder and turns around to see the guy she hit with a ball.
"Missing something?" He holds up the cue ball while wearing a smirk on his face.
"Oh, god," Elena's face reddens further. "I'm sorry about that. Being around me while I'm playing pool is dangerous." She reaches for the ball but he moves it out of her grasp.
"You can make it up by buying me a drink," the guy slurs.
Elena inwardly groans. Of course she hit the one drunk who looked like a womanizer. "Look, I'm sorry about hitting you with a ball, but I don't have any money, so…"
"Well, I always accept other types of payment from pretty ladies like you," he grins devilishly.
Elena wasn't blind. She saw that this guy wasn't unattractive, but she kind of had a type. Raven black, perfectly tousled hair with iridescent blue eyes and a signature intoxicating smirk.
The man couldn't take a hint. When he advanced, Elena backed up. This moment gave Elena bad reminders of what had happened with Tyler Lockwood. His hands had somehow made their way on her hips, but Elena smacks them off.
"Do not make me use my self-defense moves on you," Elena warns. "I will make you choke on your own balls." She feels a subtle breeze of air go by her and then Damon's arms are suddenly around her.
"I'd listen to her, buddy. She packs quite the punch and her threats are anything but idle," Damon purrs, flashing a fanged smile. The guy's eyes widen and he stumbles back towards the door.
Elena chuckles and turns around, suddenly feeling the waves of protectiveness and jealousy roll off of Damon. She folds her arms around his neck and begins combing through his black locks. Damon hums with content, pulling her close to him.
"You always seem to save me from these situations," Elena whispers with a smile.
"What can I say? I don't like seeing another man's hands on you," Damon murmurs in return.
"You should know," Elena swallows harshly before continuing, "You are the reason I couldn't say that I loved Liam. Not in the way I love you. Even after everything we've been through, I never stopped loving you."
Damon's eyes shine with love and warmth as he gazes at her. "I think the years that I've spent without you speak for themselves, but I love you, too, Elena. So much…"
After seven years too many of being apart, their lips finally reunite in a passionately searing kiss, fire reigniting each of their souls. Elena savored the taste of Damon, remembering all too well how perfectly their lips molded together. When they pull apart, both are a little more than breathless.
Elena bites her already swollen lip and smiles up at him. He returns it with a heated gaze and an affectionate grin.
"Exceptional kisser as always, 'Lena," Damon mumbles, nuzzling her cheek endearingly.
"Oh my god, they totally just kissed! Ahh," Caroline gushes from behind Elena. "Look at their faces, Stefan!"
"I can see that, Care," Stefan chuckles, giving Elena and Damon an apologetic look.
"I am so walking in the next time you two are having sex," Damon grumbles, giving each of them a glare.
"Aw, don't be cruel, Damon," Elena coos. "You know how much they love their naked alone-time. Heh, Caroline screams Stefan's name so loud-"
Caroline's eyes widen and she slaps her hand over Elena's mouth. Her face reddening more by the second, she exclaims, "Don't spill the details, Elena!"
"So you guys are back together?" Stefan inquiries, quickly changing the subject.
Damon laughs and raises an eyebrow, "Do you even need to ask?"
"Yes, the soulmates are reunited," Caroline sings happily.
"Does this mean I'm no longer banned at the house?"
"For now," Stefan replies cheekily. "But if you guys christen our pristine furniture with your naked bodies, then you will be homeless again."
"Whatever you say, Stef. It's not like you would notice anyways."
Elena laughs lightly, ecstatic that things are finally getting back to normal.
do people still indulge in tvd? i don't