Incident I: "Ghost Busting"
Name: Vesuvius (1888)
Reason: Improper Usage of Mark 3 Remodel
Perpetrator: Enterprise (CV-6)
Victims: Akagi, Kaga, Sōryū, and numerous other kanmusu
CC: Fleet Admiral William Halsey, New Jersey (BB-62)
I know this is probably the last shipgirl we all could possibly expect to cause trouble, but I think we can all agree here with this statement:
"I do not like shipgirls popping through walls, ceilings, and floors, at any time of day, any time of the year, even if it is to say hello."
As you may recall, you and other shipgirl commanders across the country unanimously agreed that Enterprise deserved a second remodel in no small part due to her significant contributions to our recent victories in the Pacific. Like all other Mark 3's, you agreed to take the recipient's wishes into account. This included permitting her to find and domesticate a full-grown, hyper-patriotic eagle, complete proficiency in Japanese and English, and most importantly of all the ability to become immaterial and walk through solid objects as if she was a ghost.
I'm not here to complain about the eagle's reaper-like death glares. I'm not here to complain about the number of avian droppings left outside the doorsteps of any Central Power/Axis Power shipgirl's dormitories. I'm not here to complain about how I can't sleep at night knowing that that eagle can travel as fast as a TBD Devastator. I'm not even here to complain about her newfound ability to do the "Sheev Spin" and screech "OWARI DA" around the facilities.
But her (friendly) hauntings…they're really getting out of hand. Somehow Enterprise got a hold of the kanmusu itinerary for June events and decided that she'd show off her remodel at one of their events.
Said event was a commemorative wake held on June 4. I'm pretty sure that the last thing Akagi and Kaga were expecting as they silently ate their rice was for Enterprise to pop out of the ground in front of them and playfully eat Akagi's rice as a gesture of goodwill on the anniversary of Midway.
As if that wasn't traumatizing enough for the Kidō Butai, whenever CarDiv1 and CarDiv5 get into a heated spat Enterprise will appear out of nowhere and say loudly "SHHHHHH, QUIET PLEASE," with her bird squawking loudly in approval, before both of them dissolve into the ceiling rafters.
CarDiv5 isn't exempt either. According to Akebono (1899), when CV-6 and her entourage were visiting Sasebo, Shōkaku elected to sleep in one morning since she had the entire room to herself (her sister was away on routine patrols). Suddenly the carrier felt a heavy weight on her arm, and the next thing she knew there was a finger on her mouth and a pair of purple eyes glaring at her. The following exchange was allegedly given:
"Shhh. No tears. Only dreams. [inaudible flapping]"
While kanmusu aircraft carriers have been refitted with more advanced radar systems, I would like to issue a polite reminder that radar cannot see ghosts.
There is suspicion that this spiritual sorcery extends beyond pretending to be a phantom menace. Jun'yō and visiting Italian cruiser Pola both reported being chided by the carrier for engaging in a (supposedly authorized) drinking spree. However, Enterprise did so by allegedly "appearing from every single bottle mouth at once, surrounding them from all sides, dividing herself like bacteria in a petri dish before making angry zombie noises." Illegal substances are currently not suspected behind this fantastic response.
And so on and so forth.
Although the perpetrator's actions are not malevolent by nature, they have a strong potential to invoke traumatic memories, especially by Enterprise's former enemies. The German battleship Bismarck has also voiced her extreme concerns that a certain British red-headed aircraft carrier may approach Enterprise to learn the ghostly principle for villainous deeds.
I, the dynamite gun cruiser Vesuvius launched on the 28th of April 1888, hereby leave Enterprise's ultimate punishment up to the admiralty, with pending recommendations from her de facto father Fleet Admiral William Frederick Halsey Jr. and the Iowa-class battleship New Jersey.
From: New Jersey (BB-62)
To: Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey
Subject: Re: Grey Ghost Violations
CC: Enterprise (CV-6)
I just downloaded the extended document regarding E's violations.
It's a zipped file containing one terabyte of complaints.
What. The. Fuck.
-Big J
From: Fleet Admiral William Halsey
To: Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, New Jersey (BB-62)
Subject: Re: Grey Ghost Violations
CC: Enterprise (CV-6)
I don't see what the problem is.
-Fleet Admiral Halsey
From: Vesuvius (1888)
To: New Jersey (BB-62), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey
Subject: Re: Grey Ghost Violations
CC: Enterprise (CV-6)
With all due respect, you probably can't see the problem because it's literally 10,000 pages of detailed reports, photographs, and gifs of Enterprise doing ghostly things.
Vesuvius
From: Fleet Admiral William Halsey
To: Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, New Jersey (BB-62)
Subject: Re: Grey Ghost Violations
CC: Enterprise (CV-6)
Exactly.
This is perfectly fine.
-Fleet Admiral Halsey
From: New Jersey (BB-62)
To: Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey
Subject: Re: Grey Ghost Violations
CC: Enterprise (CV-6)
Dear Bill,
Is she behind you?
Blink twice if you need me to rescue you.
Love,
Big J
From: Vesuvius (1888)
To: New Jersey (BB-62), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey
Subject: Re: Grey Ghost Violations
CC: Enterprise (CV-6)
I have a baaaadd feeling about this.
You do realize that she's been cc'd into this email chain this entire time, right?
Vesuvius
From: New Jersey (BB-62)
To: Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey
Subject: Re: Grey Ghost Violations
CC: Enterprise (CV-6)
HOLY SHIT E, I WAS JUST JOKING.
From: Enterprise (CV-6)
To: Vesuvius (1888), the Admiralty at Pearl Harbor, Fleet Admiral William Halsey, New Jersey (BB-62)
Subject: Re: Grey Ghost Violations
I know, because I'm right behind you.
-Enterprise, CV-6 of the USN
P.S. Cracking a Ouija board on my head won't stop me, so next time don't try it.