"Pyromania"
Name: Tachibana (1912)
Reason: Excessive and unwarranted usage of high-explosive shells
Perpetrators: Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, and Mikasa
Victims: Everything
CC: Matsushima, Zhenyuan "Chin'en," Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof
Some ships just want to watch the world burn.
Look, I love Shimose powder as much as the next pre-war destroyer, but is it really necessary to include the explosive in everything?
Seriously, everywhere I go, those four are treating it like a cure-all? Tea too cold? Light an explosive shell. Want to doorbell ditch the visiting Imperial Russian warships? Light an explosive shell. Sendai went full-yasen and no one can find her? Punt and detonate an explosive shell as an illuminator. Someone's trying to interfere with Kongō's relationship to Admiral Goto? Gift them a live explosive shell.
An okay, I guess that Pallada was asking for it by taunting the RJW vets and challenging them to a beach dodgeball tournament, but did Mikasa really need to do some pyrotechnic witchcraft and set the dodgeball on fire and ricochet it off of five Russian opponents? Might I remind you that many Russian RJW vets, especially the Baltic Fleet shipgirls, really, really, really, really, REALLY hate fire?
Okay, maybe I'm sounding too defensive of the Russian shipgirls, but really. Playing with fire is one thing. Playing with fire that sets everything alight and requires the kitchen sink to put out is another. Oh, did I mention that the fire sticks to everything it touches and burns underwater? One of them decided to "punish" Iku for something by "accidentally" dropping a Shimose-powder shell on her head, and she was in the repair dock for weeks cleaning her innards and outards of burnt debris.
I know we haven't scheduled the quartet (or Yashima and Hatsuse for that matter) for a sortie in the past two months, but can you tell them to tone down the pyromania a tad? I'm sure the abyssals will try something, and we'll send them out at first notice.
Thanks,
Tachibana
From: Matsushima
To: Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka
Subject: Re: British Problems
CC: ChinChin the Battleship that Eats Too Many Potatoes, Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa, Tachibana
This sounds like a British problem, not a Russo-Japanese War problem. The last time I checked, I wasn't burning Russians alive.
Matsushima
PS: Honestly you should call an exorcist. It should be a given that anything hailing from the British Isles is possessed.
From: Zhenyuan
To: Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka, Tachibana
Subject: Re: British Problems
CC: Franco-Japanese Drinking Buddy Who Hates Potatoes and Is Bad at Chess, Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa
What Matsushima said.
I don't mind proposing a punishment if it means that I can my hands on some premium Yamato™ Sake though.
Beiyang-PLAN Battleship Zhenyuan
From: Matsushima
To: Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka
Subject: Re: British Problems
CC: ChinChin, Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa, Tachibana
Make that two crates, and it's a deal. Trust us, we're responsible; we're over 10 years older than they are. We could be their grandmothers.
Matsushima
From: Akiyama Saneyuki
To: Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka, Tachibana
Subject: Re: The Pre-Dreadnought Quartet and Your Alcoholism
CC: Chin'en, Matsushima , Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa
Matsushima and Chin'en:
I trust you two won't be engaging in a drinking spree the next time you two meet? A reminder that Anshan wasn't exactly pleased the last time she found you two loitering about Tianjin claiming to be hunting an "evil zombie-making gang" because you two were hallucinating from the wormwood in Matsushima's "secret stash."
Akiyama Saneyuki
From: Georgios Averof
To: Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Tachibana, the Admiralty at Yokosuka
Subject: Re: Japanese Problems
CC: Zhenyuan "Chin'en", Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa
…Why am I mentioned in this email chain…I've never personally met the aforementioned battleships?
Georgios Averof, Defender of the Hellenic Peoples
From: Tachibana
To: Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka
Subject: Re: Pyromania Problems
CC: Zhenyuan "Chin'en", Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa
Fire that burns underwater and is difficult to extinguish by normal means, oh gee, I wonder where that came from?
Tachibana
From: Fleet Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō
To: Akiyama Saneyuki, Georgios Averof, the Admiralty at Yokosuka
Subject: Re: The Pre-Dreadnought Quartet
CC: Chin'en, Matsushima , Fuji, Asahi, Shikishima, Mikasa
That's enough.
Honestly, this sounds very normal. I don't expect their improved firemaking techniques to the product of copying or importing European incendiary techniques.
I'll discuss your concerns with them, but they've been this fire-happy ever since they were all kai'd (or in Mikasa's case, Kai Ni'd).
However, if I may, Admiral Gōtō, can I suggest that you contact your Russian counterparts in St. Petersburg and suggest that Aurora be transferred to the Pacific Fleet? It sounds like the Russo-Japanese sports debacle was in part a result of Pallada being sister-sick. Doing so might prevent such awkward incidents in the future.
Your servant,
Tōgō Heihachirō
Shimose Powder: The highly-explosive propellant commonly attributed to helping the IJN to victory at Tsushima and other pre-WWI naval engagements.
"Zombie-making Gang": I was watching too much He Shen when I wrote this...