AN: This one might be a dud, depending upon your sense of humor. Involves nonsensical, over-the-top insults. Most official snippets I post will be in the same vein of the earlier ones.
"That German Salute"
Name: Torpedo Boat S90
Reason: Excessive Usage of That Salute
Perpetrator: SMS Bayern
Victims: Anything with Ears
CC: SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
I thought it would be in the books by now to make it a war crime to do anything remotely involving that salute, but apparently it's not. As a result, the reputation of German shipgirls here and abroad has suffered greatly because of Bayern's actions.
For the record, I am not speaking of that weird…hand-raising gesture...adopted by the German Empire's lowly successor state(s), but the Swabian Salute. You know, the uncanny tendency by people from Bayern's namesake to somehow include references to "consumption practices surrounding their afts" when something startles them? I dare not write "lick my ass" in this official report; it is simply too crass for such a serious violation.
Now, I understand that Bayern was unable to develop an intimate bond with the German people as a consequence of the outcome of the Great War, but appropriating historical customs from the region she named after is not the way to go about it. Her act of wearing a dirndl when she so fancies I have no complaints with; her tendency to speak as if she is a character out of von Goethe's Götz von Berlichingen re-living the siege of Jagsthausen Castle on the other hand…
I am aware that the venerable battleship König sang glowing praises about Bayern in her after-action report, for the latter saved a German squadron from certain destruction by unleashing such a toxic diatribe that even von Berlichingen himself would blush, but to say that she downplayed the collateral damage inflicted to any being with an acoustic system is a gross understatement. Most survivors could not hear anything for weeks afterwards, and the destroyers escorting the squadron have devolved into using the most bawdy rhetoric in their everyday conversation. Bayern is a crown jewel of the Imperial German Navy; it would be fitting if she acted as such.
To prove to you that I am not being dramatic about this atrocity, I have attached a raw, unedited two-hour clip of Bayern performing the Swabian Salute from last night. Apparently, a friendly shouting match with the aircraft carrier Graf Zeppelin over where the coffee beans went set everything into motion.
If not for the Kaiser's sake, then in the name of the German people I deplore you to do something about this.
S90
From: Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
To: SMS Bayern, SMS König, S90
Subject: RE: Bayern's "Salutes"
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego
Hello S90:
After listening to five minutes of Bayern's tirade, I immediately recognized the gravity of the battleship's offense. I have assembled an international panel to review the case. The two-hour footage of evidence will be scrutinized and dissected to the last millisecond.
Rest assured, Bayern will be dealt with to the fullest letter of the law.
Admiral Hienrich Störtebeker
From: SMS König
To: SMS Bayern, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven, S90
Subject: In Defense of SMS Bayern
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego
Admiral Störtebeker:
As an old and lifelong friend of Bayern, I would like to protest the course of action being pursued by the Combined Naval Command. If an insult a day keeps the Abyssal Princess away, then why ban them? Moreover, while I understand that we Germans should ourselves to a higher standard than our degenerate counterparts in other navies, may I mention that there is a precedent for oral rhetoric being deployed as a weapon of war? Less than a month ago, the Chinese destroyer Anshan literally talked an abyssal to death. Rather than penalize her, the Admiralty at Qingdao applauded her for her meritorious actions. Can we not take inspiration from them and do the same?
Your obedient soldier,
SMS König
From: Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
To: SMS Bayern, SMS König
Subject: RE: Bayern's "Salutes"
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego
Dear König:
I believe you misunderstood our true course of action, and in the interest of being direct I shall be blunt.
Do you happen to have any more mixtapes of Bayern swearing, and is she willing to start a business in voice-acting in her spare time?
Admiral Hienrich Störtebeker
Post Script: Please feel free to speak frankly; I have removed S90 from the CC and so she will not see any further correspondence.
From: SMS König
To: SMS Bayern, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
Subject: RE: Bayern's "Salutes"
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego
Excuse me sir, but what?
SMS König
From: Admiralty at Scapa Flow
To: SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
Subject: RE: Bayern's "Salutes"
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego
Hienrich:
After a long day of dealing with shipgirl shenanigans (Orion's Super Smash Bros' tournament got out of hand again…), can I say that Bayern should be declared a German State Treasure?
Her swearing…have you ever listened to Brian Blessed's profanity streak when he was doing that skit with Stephen Fry? It's like that, but for two whole hours. An entire hour has gone by, and yet it's only felt like a minute.
-Charlie
Post Script: Since you're included in this chain…Bayern…how on earth can you say "shit" so many times in close succession and not grow hoarse?
From: Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
To: SMS Bayern, SMS König
Subject: RE: Bayern's "Salutes"
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego
I bet it's the coal.
German coal always makes the coal-fired shipgirls a little off…shall we say?
Admiral Hienrich Störtebeker
From: Admiralty at San Diego
To: SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
Subject: RE: Bayern's "Salutes"
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt
A lifetime of growing up with George Carlin did not prepare me for the beauty that is Bayern performing a "Swabian Salute."
If this is the kind of havoc the Germans cause on base, would you mind sharing some of the madness overseas?
-E.D.
From: Admiralty at Kronstadt
To: SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
Subject: RE: Bayern's "Salutes"
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at San Diego
"WHO USE FISH'S [EXPLETIVES] IN PLACE OF [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]!"
I am quite sure fish don't have those, Bayern.
-Admiral Amaliji Makarov, Military-Maritime Fleet of the Russian Federation
From: Admiralty at Yokosuka
To: SMS Bayern, SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
Subject: RE: Bayern's "Salutes"
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at San Diego
Having just finished watching the entire thing, let me just say this.
I never knew the phrase "I am a well-read woman" could be used threateningly, but that did not concern me.
I never knew going "AAAH" for ten minutes straight could make an intelligent reply to an accusation, but that did not concern me.
You exhausted every insult known to mankind to refer to the French, the English, the Russians, the Swiss, the Poles, the Austrians, the Danes, the Swedes, the Italians, the Finns, the Irish, the Scots, the Flemish, and even the Dutch, but that did not concern me.
You literally threatened to turn a certain shipgirl's [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] into water, but even this did not concern me.
But then you mentioned the Admiralty's [redacted] [expletive] [censored] [censored]….
-Arima
From: SMS Bayern
To: SMS König, Admiralty at Wilhelmshaven
Subject: RE: My Outbursts
CC: Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Kronstadt, Admiralty at San Diego
Greetings Admiral Störtebeker:
I did not realize that my tirade last night would be the straw that broke S90's back, nor that I would open up my inbox to this comment chain.
For the record I have not seen that, Admiral Gōtō, nor am I well-versed on the topic. Please rest well knowing that I would dare not do speak of such a thing in seriousness. Hot coffee does little to soothe hot minds.
As for whether I am capable of shouting more of the same…we shall see. I am going to be playing a match of chess with Tirpitz later tonight, and she is the next Clausewitz when it comes to that game.
My apologies for causing such a ruckus again,
Bayern
AN: This snippet was inspired by the legends surrounding the Swabian Salute and its origins. As Swabia is in modern-day Bavaria, I found the snippet quite fitting for Bayern. Note that I am being a bit lax with the "official" interpretation of the Swabian Salute; it's commonly attributed as "lick my [redacted]" only.
If you want to know the Brian Blessed skit mentioned, just type in "Brian Blessed Swearing (Stephen Fry BBC Planet Word)" on youtube.