AN: This one was inspired by one of guinguin's comics.
"You Can't Teach an Old Ship New Tricks"
Name: HMS Havock (1893)
Reason: Ineptitude at Gymnastics
Perpetrator: HMS Warspite (03)
Victims: Admiral Andrew Cunningham, Royal Fairy Shipwrights, and a thousand other fairies
CC: HMS Dreadnought, Admiralty at Scapa Flow
How many times shall I need to repeat this before you realize the futility of your actions?
For the love of all that is holy, Warspite, you cannot, cannot, cannot, CANNOT under absolutely ANY condition try spinning as a "good trick." Leave the athletic stunts to the humans or destroyers.
"But that's outrageous, Havock," you say? "How on earth and why would Warspite do this?"
To confirm that Warspite was indeed the culprit (and not, you know, some savage lookalike), I decided to execute some scientific reasoning to eliminate all alternative possible causes. First, I asked the local university for their science textbooks. As far as we currently know, shipgirls do not go through the water cycle; therefore it is utterly implausible that it was just arbitrarily raining Warspites from the sky every time I glanced outside. Concerned about the possibility she was possessed, I asked El Gamo (who was in-port visiting her old colleague Speedy) if she was willing to conduct an exorcism if need be. Warspite soon proved that she was not possessed; she acted towards the Spanish as expected of an English warship. (I paid all the expenses for El Gamo's repairwork out of my own pocket, so please tell Admiral Gravina not to worry.) Finally, just to make sure that I wasn't about to frame Warspite for the wrongdoings of an alternate-dimensional double, I consulted the interuniverse email network and asked every single Admiral at Scapa Flow known to mankind what their Warspites were doing. Even in the realm where supernatural alien beings meddle with the known world and its history, the Warspite there was behaving herself.
With that, every line of reasoning I had was exhausted, save for the obvious one: Warspite was unceremoniously catapulting herself into the dirt because she thought adding wheels to her rigging would allow her to vehicle-parkour from rooftop to rooftop. Not even the world-famous power of the almighty trebuchet could change her expected trajectory.
As to why Warspite was doing this, her sister Barham was kind enough to impart Warspite's internet search history with me. Apparently the battleship caught wind of a comic series where she tried out majestic skateboarding maneuvers from Seagull+ videos and failed. In an attempt to disprove the artist's claims, Warspite vowed to perform such athletic arts herself...and failed.
As an icon of the Royal Navy in some of our finest hours, not only should it be below her station to be seen engaging in such delinquent acts, but she should also recognize by now her limits. Warspite's boundless talents in combat are only rivaled by her sheer lack of finesse in conducting the most basic cinematic trick. Such as twirling. Or breaking into windows from out the outside. Or making figure eights. Or loops. Or 360's. Or "no-scopes," whatever the ruddy hell that means.
Warspite is over a hundred years old by my count. I say she should start acting like it.
I say this not out of malice but from frankness. I am honestly getting tired of looking out my window and seeing a fast battleship free-fall ten stories, plow through the concrete pavement below, take a trip to the dockyards where she gets to feast on my favorite flavour of repair bucket that I went out and fought a vacuum-cleaning battleship over, and then nonchalantly repeat the entire process all over again. And again. And again. And again.
In the name of responsibility, I beseech you to take action against this Mad Old Lady. As immortal and industrious as our noble fairies are, even they have limits. I fear they may go on strikes if the needless violence and overwork continues. If not that, then think of our international reputation for goodness' sake. König and other members of the High Seas Fleet have been having a field day on SeaBattles making derogatory remarks about the readiness of the Home Fleet in the event of a sortie.
Post Script: This reminds me, I'm going to have to make another sortie and beat up that vacuum-cleaning battleship again with Daring because SOMEBODY ate all the Gloucester-Cheese-and-Crackers-flavoured repair buckets...
From: Dreadnought
To: Havock, Warspite
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Andrew Cunningham
What's the matter with a ship trying to do a barrel roll? It's a very ambitious maneuver, but executed well it might have better-than-expected results.
Dreadnought
From: Havock
To: Dreadnought, Warspite
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Andrew Cunningham
I think it need not be said that a 33,000 ton battleship trying to perform a barrel roll is a very, very bad idea. Especially one of her age. No one should be encouraging or condoning such practices, either. It's bad practice.
I think such maneuvers are best left to the small ships, if any at all.
Her Majesty's Ship Havock
From: Dreadnought
To: Havock, Warspite
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Andrew Cunningham
Well, from a certain point of view it is true that Warspite is getting old, but who are we to judge? I reckon we're both dinosaurs compared to her by my count.
I mean, Victory may be several hundred years old, but she's not some mystic old sage. I see her at the galas all the time in those Empire dresses of hers. If anything, she'd fit just fine with the girls from the Naughty Nineties.
Dreadnought
From: Admiralty at Scapa Flow
To: Havock, Warspite, Dreadnought
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Admiral Andrew Cunningham
Dreadnought:
While that may be true, it's all fun and games until 87 repair buckets (yes, 87, Hood and I checked the inventory in triplicate to be sure) vanish. Even if we assume seven were expended in emergency repairs during picket sorties and the five with Albatross haven't been used, that means Warspite single-handedly depleted seventy-five repair-buckets for her party tricks.
A polite reminder that my policy is to always have a hundred repair buckets at hand in case the unexpected happens, such as an international riot breaking out on base because Bretagne unexpectedly destroyed Orion in the Super Smash Bro finals (I have never seen so many fires in my life, but I digress).
Based on my current tally however, we only have one. You know what that means, and the destroyers won't like it.
-Charlie, Voted "Shitty Admiral of the Year" by 110% of RN Destroyers
From: Havock
To: Dreadnought, Warspite
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Andrew Cunningham
Dreadnought, with all due respect I think you are missing the point.
I did not CC you into this thread because I want your insight on this matter.
I CC'd you because I am charging you as an accomplice to this heinous crime.
What say you in your defense?
Her Majesty's Ship Havock
From: Admiralty at Scapa Flow
To: Havock, Warspite, Dreadnought
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Admiral Andrew Cunningham
Havock:
Okay, I think this is a bridge too far. Warspite being a closet troublemaker I can see and understand (if her mischief in the Mediterranean and Norway was any indication), but Dreadnought? The rational, universally-loved warship across the Seven Seas?
I am starting to suspect that you have an axe to grind against someone eating your favorite-flavored repair buckets and are taking it out on the battleships...
-Charlie
From: Havock
To: Dreadnought, Warspite
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiral Cunningham
Sir,
Who do you think created the channel of "Battleships Doing 'Cool and Dandy' Flips" in the first place?
Her Majesty's Ship Havock
Post Script: If you want definitive proof, just pull it up on the internet. Dreadnought's videos have been liked and shared by hundreds of mischiefmakers on Seagull+.
From: Admiralty at Scapa Flow
To: Havock, Warspite, Dreadnought
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Admiral Andrew Cunningham
Is that so?
...
Please give me a minute; I need to ask Hood if she can find that record of Bayern's latest mixtape...I'm going to need it.
-Charlie
Omake:
From: Admiral Andrew Cunningham
To: Home Fleet Officer's Club
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: David Beatty, John Jellicoe, John Fisher
Checked my mail this morning to a terrible mess; forwarding it to you all for details.
Looks like the Grand Old Lady got herself in trouble.
Cunningham
From: David Beatty
To: Home Fleet Officer's Club
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Andrew Cunningham, John Fisher, John Jellicoe
Even a hundred years later, there is still something wrong with our bloody ships today.
Beatty
Post Script: Of course the one day I check my emails is the one time that there's a huge fuss about a Jutland veteran.
From: John "Jackie" Fisher
To: Home Fleet Officer's Club
Subject: RE: Grand Old Lady
CC: Andrew Cunningham, David Beatty, John Jellicoe
If Warspite had been designed a battlecruiser, perhaps we wouldn't be having this problem; most of them have aged quite well and are of the utmost pleasant character if I do say so myself.
Nevertheless, I commend Warspite in her ambitious civilian career. While I confess I see no strategic value in such a maneuver, I would be lying if the thought if a super-dreadnought rolling 360 degrees whilst in the thick of action amuses me greatly.
Jackie
AN: Orion as depicted here was inspired by Siirakannu's depiction of the super-dreadnoughts. Apparently the lead ship in that series is quite fond of the franchise.