Emails to the Admiralty Chapter 8: It That Must Flow, a kantai collection fanfic

"It That Must Flow"

Name: HMS Hercules (1910)
Reason: That Plant
Perpetrator: Vikrant (R11)
Victims: British Home Fleet, Financial Statements of Scapa Flow
CC: Keangsoo (1862), Almirante Abreu (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

I want to say this now before we're forced to take drastic action.

For the love of all that is holy, HERCULES, CEASE YOUR BIOLOGICAL EXPERIMENTATION ON THAT CURSED PLANT AT ONCE.

Imagine the horror, the fear, the sheer terror on my face as every day without fail our formidable, stoic battleline of grizzled veterans dissolve into a gooey mass of salivating zombies at the sound of a doorbell. Pray tell, you say?

Every afternoon at a quarter past three, the postman arrives with a heavily-padded brown parcel. In this parcel is the most foul, vile substance known to man. It is the cursed infinite of Kaiser Wilhelm's passionate one night stand with the Austrian Archduke. It is more outrageous than the thought of Napoleon Bonaparte conquering the British Isles. There are not enough circles in Dante's hell to detain this montrosity, this...hell spawn, that Hercules has bore in the gardens of India. It is the unholy union of heaven and hell, and the complete antithesis of all things British.

For the Majestic-class aircraft carrier believes herself to Gregor Mendel reborn, and took it upon herself to cultivate a new breed of shrub for the purpose of tea-making. This is no normal "tea brew," however. No. No, Hercules possessed with the wrath of the oppressed, cursed it. It is physically impossible to take a simple sip of her unique blend; all those stupid enough to bring the drink to their lips finding themselves downing cup after cup until they've bloodied emptied the entire box of its contents. I watched Nelson and Rodney literally swipe half the box with two generous "spoonfuls."

Worse, once Hercules's unfortunate victims realize the crisis they've thrust upon themselves, their response is to express indulgence, not restraint. For the past few weeks, I have been wondering why London was crying over the base's monthly expenses (which, to put it diplomatically, were redder than a bloodied Redcoat), and only now have I come to the horrid realization that it is because everyone is emptying the kitchen sink in the name of getting their hands on this infernal product. To stress the severity of the situation, I've attached her spreadsheet to this email. I will warn in advance that the figures are frightening. I fear we will need a naval budget expansion to offset the expenses, because as it currently stands we have no funding available for the next three months. Almost all of it has been siphoned off to pay Hercules's enterprise.

Let me ask you, Hercules: where is your conscious?

In the name of your former country and our sanity, please reconsider your botany project. I am CC'ing several other British expats so that they can pre-emptively packages you may have shipped elsewhere before the mania becomes a pandemic.

From: Kasuga (1862)
To: HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)
Subject: A Plant From India
CC: Almirante Abreu (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

For some reason, I'm getting a strange sense deja vu from the situation, but I can't put a finger to it…

I'm sure it will come to me.

His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga

Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"

From: Albany (CL-23) (1898)
To: HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)
Subject: You Got My Name Wrong
CC: Kasuga, HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

My name is Albany, not Almirante Abreu; not sure why you're using the name I was laid down with…

Changing it now.

Albany, New-Orleans Class cruiser of the United States Navy

From: HMS Hercules (1910)
To: Albany (CL-23) (1898), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11), Kasuga (1862)
Subject: Sigh
CC: HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Can we please take the topic seriously? A financial crisis is nothing to laugh about, y'know.

From: Kasuga (1862)
To: HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)
Subject: Your Spreadsheets
CC: Albany (CL-23) (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Bolding everything and posting them in triplicate on the spreadsheet doesn't make this any less funny.

I am also seriously questioning how you can possibly spend that much quid on a single blend.

His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga

Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"

From: INS Vikrant (R11)
To: Albany (CL-23) (1898), HMS Hercules (1910), Kasuga (1862)
Subject: Are You Serious
CC: HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Hercules:

Are you serious?! It's literally just a herbal tea blend.

As for the "wrath of the possessed," it's a special strain of black pepper that has a bit more zing to it normal. Unless modern British cuisine is blander than a piece of paper, it should hardly be addictive.

The pepper and tea are also two separate products; I just toss in a free pound or two depending upon how much the customer buys. If the tea is that much of a problem to the point you're forced to speak in Shakespearean hyperbole, I can simply make it unavailable to customers from the UK.

Vikrant

Post Script: Kasuga, poppy was grown in Bengal, which makes up most of modern-day Bangladesh, not India. For your sake, please do not confuse the two countries.

From: HMS Hercules (1910)
To: Albany (CL-23) (1898), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11), Kasuga (1862)
Subject: Actually
CC: HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Actually, I was interested in the reverse agreement. Let's keep the tea, but ditch the peppers, yes? Save the selective-breeding for the farmers, not the shipgirls.

Hercules

From: Kasuga (1862)
To: HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)
Subject: Re:A Plant From India
CC: Albany (CL-23) (1898), HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

That would be a Herculean task.

In these parts, it's become a popular alternative to the quite-zesty sansho peppers.

The spice must flow, I say.

His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga

Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"

From: Albany (CL-23) (1898)
To: HMS Hercules (1910), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11)
Subject: Re:A Plant From India
CC: Kasuga, HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

So I guess you could say…

Vikrant won a cultural victory?

Bah, I forgot the exact phrase. I don't keep up my paces with the gamer gals.

Albany, New-Orleans Class cruiser of the United States Navy

From: HMS Hercules (1910)
To: Albany (CL-23) (1898), INS Vikrant "Hercules" (R11), Kasuga (1862)
Subject: Re: A Plant From India
CC: HMS Aurora, Admiralty at Scapa Flow, Admiralty at Yokosuka, Admiralty at Mumbai, Admiralty at Norfolk, Commodore at China Station

Your cultural references are irrelevant. What matters is stopping everything you've been working on, Vikrant.

What will you possible come up next? Mint chocolate-flavored tea?

Hercules

Boy, are you late to the party on that one.

His Imperial Japanese Majesty's Ship Kasuga

Formerly the Anglo-Chinese dispatch vessel "Keangsoo"