Fantasy

I hear the small cries of my son. I wake up and hurry to his room. He is holding onto the bars of his crib and standing. Tears in his eyes.

"Mommy's here sweetie." I say and pick him up. He doesn't stop crying. He needs a diaper change. I put him on the changing table and do just that.

"Mama." He says when he is back in my arms.

"Yes that's me." I say and kiss the top of his head. He still only has baby fuzz for hair. It doesn't matter I can tell he is going to be just like Finnick.

I hear the door creak open.

"Everything okay in here?" I hear Finnick ask.

"Gah!" Nick says and motions towards the door.

"See he's happy to see me." Finnick says and walks next to me. He kisses our son and then me.

"I love you." I tell him.

Nick starts laughing.

"He loves you too." I say.

"Just like I love you too." He says.

I sit down in the rocking chair and start to coax Nick back to sleep. He falls asleep quickly.

I kiss the top of his head.

"I love you sweetie." I say and place him back in the crib.

I stretch and head back to bed. It used to take me forever to not watch him sleep. Or to put him in his own room but I eventually got used to it.

I walk back to my room and flop back down on the bed.

"He okay?" Finnick asks.

"Just needed a diaper change." I say and he kisses my cheek.

"Good. I don't want anything bad to happen." Finnick says.

"Me too." I say. I shed a tear for some reason.

"It's gonna be okay Annie. He's safe. We're all safe now."

"I know. I still worry though." I say.

"You're allowed." He says.

I nod and press a pillow to my chest before I fall asleep.

I wake up and notice Finnick isn't here.

"Finnick." I say and sit up.

I open our sons door and see him. He is standing over the crib.

"Look it's Mommy." Finnick says.

I go over and pick Nick up.

"Mama." He says and leans his head on my shoulder.

"That's me." I say.

"Dada." Nick says.

"That's me." Finnick says and pats his head.

"Finnick stop I don't want his hair to fall out." Finnick smiles.

"Annie I think he's fine."

"He's one and doesn't have that much hair."

"Annie that's normal. Besides baldish babies are cute."

"Everything about him is cute." I say and kiss his cheek causing him to giggle. "I think it's feeding time." I say and Finnick nods.

I take him downstairs and place him in the high chair.

"You want spinach or peaches today?" I ask knowing he won't answer.

"I think peaches." Finnick says.

I get a spoon and start to feed him. I don't get most of it on his face anymore. Which is an improvement.

"Such a good boy." I say and kiss his cheek.

"He gets that from his father." Finnick smiles.

I roll my eyes.

"You know it's true." He says.

"I guess." I look at Nick and see him chewing on his teething ring. I smile. The green eyes, the tan skin, and the baby fluff that looks bronze. He looks just like Finnick.

"Gah!" He says.

"Yes Gah!" I say and get a spit up rag to clean him up. "He's gonna look just like you." I say and look at Finnick.

"Maybe." Finnick smiles and comes over here. "If that is so, he will have your kindness Annie."

"Maybe he will have your charm." I say and he rolls his eyes.

"Whatever he has, he will be the best Odair ever." Finnick says and I smile.

"Who could argue with that." I say and Finnick kisses me.

The rest of the day Finnick and I try to get Nick to walk. He is really close. I can't wait to see that. It will be one of those milestones that I will never forget. Just like when he said Mama the first time.

Nick is on his baby blanket playing with his blankie.

"You think it's gonna happen soon?" Finnick asks referring to him walking.

"I don't know, but it will happen when he is ready Finnick." He smiles.

"I know." Finnick says.

Day eventually turns to night. Ever since Nick has been born the days seem to go by so quickly. I don't mind. It keeps me busy. It keeps my mind busy from wandering.

I put Nick down for bed and then walk back downstairs.

"You ready for bed too Annie?" Finnick asks and brushes my hair behind my ear.

I nod.

"I am tired. Besides, you are supposed to sleep when your baby is." I smile and so does Finnick.

We holds my hand as we head upstairs.

I lay down and Finnick lays next to me.

"I love you." He says and runs his fingers across my face.

"I love you too." I say.

He kisses the tip of my nose.

"Until tomorrow love." He says

I smile.

"Until tomorrow." I say.

We both drift off to sleep.

But that's not reality. This is reality.

I roll over and feel the cool sheets next to me missing the sense of body heat. I close my eyes and do what the doctor told me to do, so I can get out of the fantasy my mind has created, so I can ignore the truth.

I have a beautiful one year old son who I love more than the air I breathe. I had a loving husband but he died in the war. He helped save the country but I miss him everyday. To hang onto my sanity I alter reality and trick myself into thinking he is alive. I can even see him, feel him. It's so real but that's the point.

I wish Finnick could be here for everything but he isn't. Hell I wish he could've known he was going to be a father. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I struggle with the fact that the only person who could truly comfort me is dead. He could make me stay in reality. Which is why unlike most mothers I love when Nick wakes up in the middle of the night. It gives something to do besides cry.

I live in District Four with my sister and my son in the house I lived with Finnick. I live in the house I hoped I would live with Finnick. For the rest of our lives.

People tell me that my life could be much worse, which I understand. It could be much worse but it could also be much better.

I get up and head to my sons room. Although he is still sleeping I pick him up and sit in the rocking chair.

This is reality. This is my life.

I can feel tears form in my eyes.

I kiss the top of Nick's head.

However, I prefer the fantasy.