One week later, Laxus perched himself on a rock in the East Forest, waiting patiently for Sabertooth. He was still feeling really good, having spent five straight days in bed on the island and a day recovering in Magnolia. Laxus honestly felt like he could smash Sabertooth quite easily.

Off to one side, Jason and a group from Sorcerer Weekly were gathered, and behind him was Fairy Tail. Whoever lost was going to get naked in the woods immediately thereafter to pose for nude pictures.

Makarov jumped on the rock beside him and asked, "How did all this transpire?"

"I ran into them on the train."

"You have a plan?"

Laxus shrugged. "Win."

The arrangement of Sabertooth was predictable. They put their strongest five in front: Minerva, Sting, Rogue, Rufus, and Orga. Then their second tier, including Dobengal, was next, and the minor characters in the back.

Sting, the leader of the guild, thought this would be an excellent way to show the strength of the guild. "I have a condition," he called.

"Hmm? You want something? Let me pretend I care."

Sting smirked in a way that was oddly reminiscent of Natsu. "After we defeat you, it's a free-for-all between our guilds."

Laxus seemed oddly amused by this. "Oh? You realize Gildarts is here?"

"Come at us, sparky! We'll beat you and the old man!" Sting called.

The lightning dragon slayer gave Sting a smug smirk. "Oh, so you're stupid. I didn't realize that was the problem."

The only thing he could compare this pointless, meaningless taunt to was when he was a teenager and little prepubescent Natsu would screech about beating his face into the dirt.

Laxus rushed forward, but just short of the front line, took a deep breath to prepare for a breath attack, and leapt into the air, doing a flip and teleporting to behind Sabertooth. The breath attack mowed down everyone except the five in the front, and he charged forward as Rogue and Sting prepared to do a combo attack.

Rufus started to do something, and he picked up his pace. Instead of using magic on him, he grabbed Rufus and threw him face-first into the dragon slayers' attack, then swung him around and hit Minerva in the face as he gave Rufus some high voltage. His limp form made a fine bludgeoning instrument, he decided. He threw Rufus back to knock Orga down and then dashed forward to hit Orga with a lightning attack.

Before he let go of Rufus, he held him up by the hair and whispered, "Don't you ever disrespect my girl, you got that?"

Rufus nodded and crumbled to the ground when he was dropped.

Lightning erupted on the field, separating the members of Sabertooth, and Laxus dealt with the other four methodically: Orga he teleported about eight hundred feet in the air and dropped, sending him plummeting to the ground. Laxus meanwhile teleported about a forty feet above the twin dragons and brought his raging bolt down on them as he landed and threw Rogue into the ground, face-first with an electrically-charged blow to the back of his skull.

Then, with a deft flip, brought another crushing blow to Sting that left him twisting and twitching on the ground.

Finally, he had Minerva, and he moved in close and threw her at a cloud of black falling from the sky, so she and Ogra exploded in a ball of black lightning. Ogra brought her down with him so hard they left a ten foot crater in the ground.

Laxus kicked Rogue and Sting into the hole, and threw Rufus atop the pile, and then leapt high in the air and did a breath attack into the crater followed by a series of lightning bolts.

The Fairy Tail members gathered watched in horror at the sight of him. It took fifty-two seconds for him to render every member of Sabertooth helpless.

The scary part was this:

No one landed a direct blow on him.

Lucy, who was standing on the sidelines, was almost paralyzed in wonder at the sight of him. She was used to seeing some pretty impressive magic with Natsu, but Laxus was a level beyond him. He was devastating, deadly, and moved with a precise, calculated aura of electrical doom.

God, it made her so hot, and she didn't want to admit it because she still had to pretend it was petty and foolish.

As if he was reading her mind, he looked over and smirked. If it made her hot to watch him smash somebody, it made him hot to do it. Plus, what man didn't like to show off in front of his girl? He really wanted to grab her and teleport her off to some random place in the forest and have his way with her, but he willing himself to have just a little more self control. This self-control only lasted another twenty seconds.

Then she bit her lip and grinned, acknowledging her deadly attraction to the alpha male. Laxus was easily the strongest wizard under the age of thirty and there was something very arousing about the precise deadliness with which he carried himself in battle.

Laxus craned his neck to the pile of Sabertooth. "Maybe in a hundred years, SaberPunks. I have a pretty girl to tend to and all of you have a photoshoot."

So, while Sabertooth was facing humiliation, Laxus had Lucy vanished with a bolt of lightning and reappeared elsewhere, Lucy pinned against the trunk of a tree by his body..

In his eyes, being with Lucy was like winning the lottery. Most of the time, she wanted it rough and heavy and hard, and he wanted to give it to her like this most of the time. Occasionally, their near-violent sexual romps were interrupted by a 'sweet round,' but for the most part, he viewed her as being an infernal Venus. She wasn't one of those whose bodies was like a puzzle, and one had to tweak here, rub here, and suck here in order to guarantee a good time. On the contrary, Lucy Heartfilia was so driven by the passion of her heart that as long as they were tangled up together, she was down.

He unzipped his pants and hiked her skirt up. He ripped her panties off and threw them aside as their bodies came together. She let out a sharp scream as he spread her open on himself.

Meanwhile, Makarov missed when Laxus slipped away with Lucy and went to find his grandson to both berate him for getting into a pointless fight and congratulate him for winning. This contradictory reaction to such incidents was largely to blame for the fact they kept occurring.

He could sense his grandson's magic, so he took a walk down a winding path and broke into a clearing to find Laxus having Lucy, who was pinned against a tree whimpering for him to give it to her harder.

Makarov stood shocked. "Shit..."

Laxus absolutely froze, as if his entire body was instantly paralyzed. He turned and looked down at his grandfather, who was standing next to her ripped up pink panties.

Laxus wondered what he was supposed to do, so they were all frozen in place.

Lucy pushed on his arms and got down, which caused him to slide out into the open air with a pop sound, now erect and fully exposed. Her boyfriend pulled his pants back up and they all just stared at one another.

And then, she left, mumbling something or another about 'getting caught again.' "S-Sorry Master."

Makarov felt for her discomfort, but his answer only increased it. "You don't have to apologize. I'm glad."

"Glad..." Lucy repeated the word as if it nauseated her.

"I mean I'm glad that you're happy together. Whatever is going on here...I have no opinion. Well, put on a condom for God's sake, Laxus. That's my opinion."

This left the lightning dragon slayer and his grandfather. "Gramps..."

"..." Makarov's answer, however silent, was well-heard.

The elder finally said, "I wanted to congratulate you on your victory, but I think someone already beat me to it. Do we need to have a talk about safe sex?"

Laxus cringed in horror at the idea that he'd not only been caught, but that his grandfather had seen his junk and then had the unabashed nerve to comment on it. "She's on birth control. And no. God, we don't need to talk about this at all, ever, for any reason," he grandson quickly and rudely answered.

Makarov suggested, "Have you considered children? I'm getting on in years, I want to see my great grandchildren grow up."

"You don't have any great grandchildren."

"Whose fault is that, Laxus?!" the elder quipped.

Laxus crossed his arms and sulked. "I don't know why you're looking at me."

Makarov narrowed his eyes. "Do I need to spell it out?"

"No." Laxus narrowed his eyes and they stood there, looking just alike down to the glare. "I'll have a kid when I damn well please."

A small victory! Makarov thought. "So you do plan on having one!"

"I didn't say that!" he exclaimed.

"Oh ho ho! Laxus, you've finally grown up! Can't you just imagine it?"

Laxus' frown deepened. "It's nauseating. In fact, everything about this conversation makes me want to vomit."

"Oh grow up!"

"Gramps...stop. Just stop."

Lucy slipped away behind a tree and then ran hard and fast in the opposite direction. She had no idea where exactly he'd taken her in the forest, but she did know that she needed to be away from the Dreyars immediately and that she and Laxus needed to never have another moment of public PDA.

(They were a mere six hours away from getting caught making out in an alley by Wendy.)

Laxus and his grandfather had a most nonsensical argument:

Makarov said, "Do you want me to die before you finally have a kid?"

"I don't any consideration of the sort because I'm not trying to have a kid."

"I think that's the definition of inconsiderate, and I think I raised you better than that," his grandfather said, feigning offense.

Laxus brought his palm to his face slowly and pinched the bridge of his nose in awkward frustration. "Gramps, I am exactly what you raised me to be. You had twenty-three years to correct that, but it's a little late now. I don't know why you would be looking forward to the next generation of Dreyars considering the last two, but very little of what you do makes any sense to me."

Makarov sulked right back at him, imitating his childish body behavior. "Well, the first kid I raised turned out bad. Then there was you, and you are ehh...I can put up with your shit now but in the middle you were quite the little bastard. I figure third time's the charm."

His grandson narrowed his eyes at this insult in all of its multi-faceted glory. "I'm glad your multiple failures to parent have filled you with such great confidence."

"Practice makes perfect."

"Is that what we're calling my childhood now?"

The elder shrugged. "Why not?"

Laxus shook his head. "And why do you think you would be raising a kid that I made?"

"Please. Do you plan on being a competent father?"

"For the last goddamned time, I'm not planning to be a father right now at all."

Makarov suddenly became extremely bored with this conversation, probably because he'd annoyed his grandson, which was really his only objective. Having accomplished his mission, he turned to leave his grandson but stopped, "Oh, as your guild master..."

His hand suddenly grow to insane size and smashed Laxus over his head, planting him face-first on the floor of the forest. "Apparently you told Natsu it was a good idea to seduce Lisanna...you're not the only one who hit it over the weekend. You're going to have a talk with him about the birds and the bees. Answer all his questions."

"B-but..."

Laxus growled under his breath.

"This is one thing a guildmaster must be able to do with his children as they become adults."

"Then why don't you do it, Gramps?"

Makarov raised his hand and held up two fingers. "One it's your fault. And two, you need to start acting like a guildmaster."

Laxus capitulated because he knew his grandfather's game and it wasn't even worth playing it. "Whatever."

The next evening, the lightning dragon slayer erased the drawing board in his grandfather's office and drew careful, deliberate strokes on the board. This was easily the worst assignment his grandfather had ever given him, and he'd much rather be killing a monster than doing this. He had a box of condoms and a banana.

There was a knock on the door, and Natsu came in. "Gramps said you want to talk to me."

"What I want is to get so shitfaced drunk I don't remember what we're about to talk about, but anyway, come have a seat."

"What are we about to talk about?"

"Sex."

Natsu paled and pivoted quickly on one foot, but Laxus grabbed him and slung him into the chair. "DO NOT WANT."

Laxus narrowed his eyes. "Let's get this out of the way and never speak of it again."

He pointed at the calendar he had drawn on the dry erase board. "The most important thing to know about sleeping with women is that women have a clock inside of their bodies."

"A clock! What does it look like?"

"Please don't talk."

Laxus colored one of the weeks in. "There are four weeks. Womens' cycles make them crazy for approximately half of their lives. They have a week they are batshit crazy two to seven days, and then the week after that, they bleed for about a week."

He wrote 'BATSHIT CRAZY' across one week and 'BLOODY' on the next one.

Natsu raised his hand.

"...what."

"Why do they bleed?"

Laxus took a deep breath and pointed to the illustration he'd drawn on the board. "Women have completely different organs on the inside. They have this, the uterus. If a woman got pregnant, this is where the baby would be. It develops a bloody lining that somehow is useful for a baby,which sheds monthly."

"Gross. Why would a baby need a bunch of old-smelling blood?"

"I will break your jaw if you ask any more questions like that."

The elder took a bright red marker and scribbled three days in and labeled them DANGER. He tapped on the board hard to get Natsu's attention. "These days are the ones you have to worry about. A woman is fertile during these days and can pregnant. I can smell it, so I assume you can too. You'll want to have sex more during this time, but it's basically a trap designed to cause pregnancy. Be extra careful during this time."

Natsu listened intently, gradually filling with increased hesitation. "You make women sound like monsters. Yeesh."

Laxus threw the condoms at the younger man. "Anyway, in able to not have a baby, you have several tools available." He drew on the board. "First, pulling out. Not really effective and works even less depending on how drunk you are. Second, condoms, pretty effective and useful when you're worried you might wake up with a weird rash. Third, if you're sleeping exclusively with one person, she can take birth control."

The younger listened with increasing horror. "Why would I get a rash?"

"Don't worry about it. It's not really applicable to you. But anyway..." he held up the banana. "Let's do this. Tear, take it out, and unroll. Very easy."

To Natsu, this was worse than awful. The fact that he had to have this talk at all was bad enough, but what made it worse is that the person that was giving it was banging his best friend. Truth be told, he was about to sneak into Lucy's room the night before and saw something he really wanted to ask about. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more curious he was. So as he sat there melting, tearing, and otherwise destroying one condom after another, Laxus watched him drift away.

"What, Natsu."

Natsu asked, "So when a girl puts her mouth on a guy, what is that?"

Laxus cringed, and then his cringe got a cringe. "I thought I heard something on the windowsill."

"That's normal?"

Laxus nodded once. "And vice versa."

Natsu felt a palpable kind of embarrassment. "For a guy to put his mouth...down there..." he paled a little and swallowed hard. Because the moment couldn't be more awkward, Natsu asked, "Do you do that to Lucy?"

One eyebrow quirked in disbelief. "Are you fucking seriously asking me that?"

"I don't really know what to do. I mean, it happened, but it was weird."

The elder brought a palm to his face. "I hate my life right now."

Natsu crossed his arms and looked away. "I don't really want to be awful at it. I'm not used to being bad at stuff."

"You are bad at a very long list of things," Laxus pointed out as he opened and destroyed the last condom. "Like condoms. Get her to go on birth control because this isn't working for you."

Natsu was irritated and frustrated as he set the banana on fire and tossed it in a metal trashcan. "All I want to do is be with her."

Laxus took a deep breath—this feels like a battle—and said, "You'll figure it out. I think most guys are shit at first."

"Really? Were you?"

He leaned on the desk and put his head down. "Awful."

Natsu found this very oddly reassuring and was becoming grateful that Laxus was the one having this talk with him. They eventually went down to the library and Laxus gave him a book with a lot of pictures and information, and considered his job to be done.

He was actually very proud of himself until he went back to the office and found his girlfriend staring at the dry erase board. "Females: Bloody, batshit crazy, danger..." she mumbled, reading the heading and the labels.

"Master made me talk with Natsu about sex because apparently that g-string worked out better than it was supposed to," he explained.

Lucy pointed at the board. "This is what you taught him..."

The fact that she was displeased was painfully evident. "You want to go out?"

"It's Batshit Crazy week. I think I want to go home and take a bath."

He smirked. "I could care less if it is. You're mine, crazy or not. I'll buy you a big chocolate Plue and listen to you complain about your problems."

"You're such a romantic," she sarcastically shot back.

They left the guild, and as promised, he bought her a ton of chocolate and some take-out on the way back to her place. After they ate, he drew her a hot bath and while she was soaking, he played Castille with Plue, who beat him, sadly enough.

"Maybe I'm terrible at this game and I don't know it," he commented.

"Pun pun!"

"No way I'm giving you whiskey. Stop asking. I'm honestly thinking you might need to go to rehab or something," he said to the spirit.

Plue sulked. "Puuuuuuuun. Pun pun pun pun, pun pun pun pun," and then his movements became more frantic, "PUN PUN PUN PUN PUN!"

Laxus rolled his eyes as Plue recounted for the tenth time the unfortunate meeting with his pet tiger. "Raijin thought you were food. You can't blame her. You're little and you look like you'd be pretty tasty. I don't know if you would meaty, or maybe like a pastry..."

"Pun," the spirit said, giving him a middle-finger salute before going in the bathroom and plopping into the bath water with Lucy.

He went in the bathroom and scowled at Lucy and Plue in the tub. "I thought you wanted to bathe alone."

Lucy answered, "Plue isn't going to molest me."

"He might molest me."

"Well, you're not in the bath with us, are you? I'll be out in a few minutes, geeze."

When she came out of the bathroom, Plue was gone and she was wearing nothing but the little red g-string. "C'mere, big boy."

Laxus pounced and pinned her to the bed. "That's better, my little minx."

"No matter how much you piss me off, I can't stay mad at you," she laughed as he kissed down her neck, sending tickling sensations down her neck.

The g-string was destroyed about thirteen seconds later, and after their romp, they lay panting in the bed.

"...you," he gasped, "you're such a bad girl."

She crawled on her all-fours onto his lap. "So what if I like when you grab me by the hips and have your way?"

"Hm? What if I like the way you scream my name when you're face-down on the bed?" he purred as he took her into his arms. "You're quite something, Little Girl."

They kissed and she snuggled against him, still sitting straddled across his lap while he sat up in the bed.

Laxus kissed her again. "I want to spend forever like this."

"Me too."

He cupped her face and looked into her eyes. "I have something to ask you."

"Hm?"

"You said when we talked that we should do things when they feel right."

She nodded once in understanding.

"Marry me."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Every time, Laxus."

"What?!" he incredulously asked.

The blonde rolled over on her side and turned the lamp off. "Every time you have an orgasm you propose to me. And God knows you don't even remember what you say right after sex. I swear you act like it's the first time every time you do it."

Laxus huffed, but he really had no memory of doing this until she mentioned it. He snuggled up to her and said, "One of these days, you're going to tell me yes."

"Go to sleep."

Please Review!

Special thanks to yumeyumi1986, Numinous-Alqua, Darkfae7, aoutre, Tiernank, guest, and arouraleona for reviewing! I really appreciate it and it encourages me a lot as a writer to know that people are following along as the story unfolds.