Death Serum

I twirl the bottle around in my hand.

Why would a client want to give me this? I think to myself. Do they think I want to kill someone?

I do, Snow. There would be no way I could slip this into his food. I know he has done this to other people or used another type of formula. This purple liquid is made from nightlock berries. Expect they played around with it by adding chemicals and other stuff so it won't show up in an autopsy. So if Snow wanted to kill someone he could just use some of this.

My client said a couple of drops would do the trick. Considering the size of this bottle I could kill lots of people.

This type of drug is on the hush hush. It's not supposed to be well known or known at all. Only certain doctors know about this.

I read the label again.

Medical liquid that should only be administered by doctors. The effects of this serum is immediate. It will take effect in less than a minute. The purpose of this drug is used for helping patients when they want to die instead of suffer a painful death. This drug is used for evoking death.

Evoking death? They make it sound like it's meant to be used as a weapon and not assisted suicide.

I remove the cork from the bottle and smell it. It smells like chemicals and what I'm assuming are nightlock berries.

Well I know the sent won't kill me. I put the cork back on and set it on the bathroom counter.

I wash my face to get rid of the makeup and other Capitol products. I want to look like myself when I die. They will probably cake me in makeup for my funeral but that will not be the case for tonight. When I get found I will be pale and lifeless. I hope someone lets Annie down gently. I truly think I'm her only friend. I know she is my only friend.

The thing they don't tell you about becoming a Victor is that your old life is dead and gone. People now only want to be your friend because of the money and reputation. The years of friendship you had before oh no that's gone. Or in a situation like Annie. People turn away because they feel embarrassed to be around her. She's a Victor but, her screaming or laughing at nothing there doesn't make her very desirable but she is to me. Maybe it's because we're both damaged.

I always felt something towards her.

Maybe it was attraction, maybe it was friendship, or maybe and the most frightening of all is, that I was falling in love with her.

It doesn't matter now. Our relationship will end tonight. I hopeAnnie takes it okay.

I shake my head.

I considered leaving a suicide note but I figured that would make it more difficult to move on. Besides, this drug isn't supposed to be traceable. If I left a note it would make it too obvious.

I pick up the bottle again and uncork it.

I look at myself in the mirror. I have the face so many people love. Although it is no longer my face. Not the face I was meant to have.

Things inject and skin pulled up. A broken nose to make it look slender or some other BS they say that makes me prettier. Surgeries and make up. Dyes and piercings. I hate it. I hate it all.

The worst part isn't making me look the part or acting the part. The worst part is when they tell me they love me. The people here don't understand the concept of love and if they do, they are 'old money' people who inherited it from generations and generations ago probably since the beginning of Panem.

When they say I love you it is just a meaningless stab to my heart. I can't love anyone. I can't allow myself to love someone. Even if I did, I could never tell them. Not because of Snow but because of my secret. Even if someone truly loved me I doubt they would believe me when I told them about Snow's deal. I'm a good actor. People believe what I say and how I act.

District Four me and Capitol me are different, not like that matters now.

I uncork the bottle and smell it. It smells slightly different.

I shrug and look at myself in the mirror.

"Cheers." I say and down the thing.

I start to loose my vision and hear a loud crash and a boom.

It was a good run I guess.

I see white all around me.

I was never a big believer in the afterlife but I guess that's where I am. Where else would I be? That stuff was supposed to kill me in less than a minute.

I try to sit up but can't. Maybe I'm not aloud to yet.

I'm waiting for an angel or something to walk into my vision but I don't see anything just white.

I feel drowsy though. Dying probably takes a lot out of you. So I close my eyes and give into it.

"He was found on the bathroom floor by an Avox." I hear someone say. "It was a little suggestive that he tried to kill himself. He must have mixed up the bottles."

Mixed up the bottles? There were two but they weren't the same thing. One was just stronger than the other.

It's not true. I'm dead. I'm dead. I moved on. I'm dead.

"I'll alert you when he's awake."

"Don't bother. I can wait." I hear Snow say.

Jesus Christ. I can't get away from this man. I think at this point I would rather get shot or publicly executed. They had something called a guillotine before all this mess. It cut off traitors heads in a public ceremony. I think I would take that.

I can feel him walking around my bed.

"Mr. Odair I know you're awake but if you prefer to keep up the charade keep your eyes closed." He says.

How the hell does he know I'm awake. Is he like that old fairy tale of a man in a red coat?

I don't open them though.

"Just so you're aware you mixed up the bottles. The one you took is meant to knock someone out for an extended period of time. We use it for tributes once they get out of the arena. There are side effects if you take a considerable amount. So be prepared to get violently ill.

"Victors. Like yourself think they are so tragic but when you look at people from the outer Districts they are in true danger. You have a nice life. No Hunger Games. Money. Glory. Now we don't mention the fine print when you play, but it shouldn't matter then. Because of all your glory you need to do favors occasionally.

I open my eyes at the word favors. He's standing inches from my face. I'm still restrained to the bed so if I do throw up it will be all over myself.

"Favors? Occasionally?" My voice sounds strange.

"We are awake then are we?" He smiles

He didn't know you were awake. I think to myself. He wouldn't have said that then. He just would've smiled arrogantly. He probably knows I know this as well.

President Snow sits in the chair across from me.

"People who are twenty don't have a reason to kill themselves. Especially since you are a victor." He smiles.

I don't say anything I just look at him disgusted.

I roll my eyes.

"I'll let that eye roll slide in these conditions Mr. Odair." He snaps. "We can discuss your punishment later but, first I need to know who gave it to you." He says almost gently.

I feel the clamps that were restraining me have been loosened.

"What?" I ask confused. I'm starting to feel dizzy as well.

"Who gave it to you? I know you wouldn't have stolen it because you'd want to keep your hand." He says.

"Someone gave it to me." I say.

"Who?" He asks.

"A man. One I had to… favor." I say a little smugly for using his word choice. I guess the universe isn't with me because I throw up on the floor.

"Oh dear me." Snow says in a taunting voice. "This was the violently ill part I was talking about." He says. "What was their name."

"I don't know. I don't bother to remember their names. Their faces are enough."

"Fair enough but, why would he give it to you."

"It was a gift for preforming that favor." I say.

"You usually get gems or money. Why would he give you what is essentially poison?" Snow asks.

"Maybe he thought I wanted to kill someone."

"That being yourself?" He asks.

"I didn't ask anyone to get this for me." I throw up again. Snow wrinkles his nose in disgust.

"I know. I'll go over your list of clients to figure it out. I just have a question for you Mr. Odair." He says.

"I'm sure you do." I mumble. I know he heard me but he doesn't comment.

"Why would you do it here? Or use that method? Lord knows you could've done it at home."

"This method is less messier." I say.

"But why in the Capitol?" He asks. "Why not at home?" He asks. I open my mouth and then close it.

President Snow smiles.

"You know what I think Mr. Odair?"

I sigh.

"I think that you did it here because you knew you would get saved."

"That is-"

"District Four, while is better at health care than others, would not have been able to help you."

I don't answer anything.

"I don't think you wanted to die." He says with a smile.

I throw up again.

"I think you knew subconsciously but, didn't want you to admit it."

"That is not true." I say.

"Then why did you drink this vile." He says and hands it to me. "The color is a dark blue, not purple."

"It was an accident then." I mumble.

"Whatever the case. You will not be leaving anytime soon." He says and walks out.

"Finnick." I hear. This time I pretend to sleep. I know who that voice belongs to.

"Is he asleep?" She asks.

"For now."

"What happened to him?" She asks.

"He got in an accident." The doctor tells her. You would think they would come up with a better life than that.

"What kind of accident?" She presses.

"I really need to go Miss. Cresta." He says and leaves the room.

Annie touches my hand and holds it.

I feel nice and strangely safe now. It's that strange feeling I get around her. Her thumb starts to rub over my knuckles.

I open my eyes slowly.

"Oh Finnick." She says and hugs me. "You were gone for so long."

"How long?" I ask worried.

"Almost a month. When I finally got a phone call we knew something wasn't right."

"We?" I ask.

"Mags and myself." She says.

"Is Mags here?" I ask hoping the answer is no. I would feel too ashamed to face her.

"No. She doesn't do well with travel." She says and I nod. She is older.

"What exactly happened to you Finnick?" She asks.

"I got sick." Is all I say.

"The doctor said it was an accident." Annie says confused.

"There was an accident and then I got sick from the medication." I say.

"Oh." She says not convinced. Annie isn't stupid.

"Did they say if I could go home?" I ask.

"They said you could, if you didn't throw up today." She says.

"Good." I say.

"They told me the President saw you. More than once." She says like a question. "He must really like the victors." She says.

I shrug.

I feel tired in a couple of hours. You'd be amazed how tired you get sitting in bed doing nothing.

"Finnick." Annie whispers as I'm about to drift into sleep.

"Yes?" I ask.

"What really happened to you?" She asks.

"It was an accident than an allergic reaction." I say.

"You can tell me you know." She says.

"I told you already Annie." I say flustered.

"You didn't." She says.

"What makes you so sure?" I ask.

"I've learned things over the years." I raise my eyebrows. "You flare your nostrils when you lie."

I pick at my nails. My sister told me this too.

"Finnick-"

"It was something terrible. That's all you're going to get." I say softly.

Annie smiles sadly.

"You can tell me Finnick, you know?" She says.

I nod.

Maybe one day I will tell her. Just not today. All I really want to do is have Annie hold my hand and remind me that my life isn't always shitty