Deep Space Four, Stardate 2292.248
Losha's first night in sick bay after regaining consciousness was a restless one. His body was tired but he couldn't calm his mind. The previous day had gone by in a blur with all the visitors and the frequent checks from Dr. Naik, Ensign Santos, and Crewman Janda. He supposed he had gotten so much attention from them since he was their only patient. When they had finally left him for the night and Naalem had returned to his quarters on the ship, worry began to set in. Despite the reassurance from Amanda that Ambassador Sarek had recommended his application be approved, he was anxious. He was used to dealing with uncertainty, though, and was able to push the worst thoughts out of his mind. He would not let himself consider the possibility that the blindness was permanent. Instead, he thought of his bed in his quarters on the ship and back at his apartment in Undaa. The noises in the sick bay were irritating and the idea that at any moment, a member of the medical staff could walk in made him uncomfortable. He longed to be alone in a familiar place.
He was relieved, however, when Dr. Naik came in the following morning. She changed his bandages and advised him that once they were removed in a day or two he could probably return to his ship. But, of course, there would be no one there to assist him besides Naalem. He said nothing but determined that he would leave the sick bay as soon as possible and would somehow manage. He was expecting Naalem to be down shortly but Dr. Naik advised him that following breakfast, Dr. Dvir wished to speak with him alone. What could Dr. Dvir have to say to him that Dr. Naik could not? Was it news about his application? It seemed rather quick, even for people as efficient as Vulcans. Not long after breakfast, Dr. Dvir arrived and after first speaking with Dr. Naik for a few moments, approached his bed.
"Do you prefer to speak in Standard or Vulkhansu?" She asked after announcing her presence and greeting him.
"Standard." He did not think of Vulkhansu as his language, but rather his parents' language. It had been his first language and he could speak it without accent, but he struggled with vocabulary. Most of his education had been in Standard and later, Haka. The last time he had had an actual conversation in Vulkansu had been six years ago and even then, certain words had eluded him. He had long ago lost interest in Vulcan history and culture and now had little need of the language. Naalem had been curious about it, however, and Losha had taught him some basic words and phrases but he would have preferred not to hear Vulkhansu at all. There was too much sadness tied up in the memories of his mother's voice.
"We shall speak in Standard then," Dvir replied. "When I first examined you following the explosion, my scans revealed significant telepathic damage. I was able to determine that the damage was not caused by your recent head injury but most likely occurred at least ten or more Standard years ago. Your nephew has informed me that you are aware of the damage." She'd gotten straight to her point without any preliminaries. Typical Vulcan, Losha thought. Even his parents had never mastered the art of easing into a conversation. He had often found their bluntness shocking. On the other hand, human and Seenan fondness for dancing around the truth could sometimes be tiring.
"Yes."
"He also informed me that you believe the damage to be a result of amphetamine use?" He hadn't hidden his past from Naalem; he thought it was better to be open about it so that Naalem was not ignorant of the consequences of drug use and given that Joa was in prison for a crime that occurred while he'd been using drugs, there was really no hiding it anyway. Still, he hadn't imagined Naalem would so easily relay this information to a stranger. She was a doctor, he reminded himself, and since she already knew, there was no point in holding back further information.
"Yes, I assume that's what it was. It could be from other drugs, though. I assumed it was from sur because it's known to cause memory loss."
"Yes, in Seenans it is known to cause memory loss. There is no data available pertaining to Vulcans. You are also suffering from memory loss?"
"Yes, I wouldn't say it's significant though. I just have trouble remembering certain conversations or details about things that other people seem to remember."
"You mentioned other substances. Can you provide me with a list of other substances you have ingested?"
"You need this information for the surgery?" He did not feel entirely comfortable having this conversation; he did not want to feel judged.
"Not for the surgery to restore your vision. However, I would like to consult with colleagues on Vulcan who can determine whether it is possible to repair any of the telepathic damage." Losha had never considered the possibility that the telepathic damage could be repaired. Memory loss in sur users was irreversible but Vulcan medical knowledge was surely superior to Seenan. He had accepted the memory loss along with the loss of most of his telepathic abilities years ago. In some ways, he felt he was better off without them. He would like to be able to retain memories better - he was unable to forget his most painful memories anyway - but constantly sensing things from others had been somewhat of a burden for him when he was younger. He had become used to living without that sense. As he had not replied, Dvir continued, "Your nephew thought that you might have some reservations about repairing the damage."
"Yes, I did tell him that sensing other people's feelings was sometimes a burden. I've never even considered the fact that it could be repaired."
"You were able to sense the feelings of others?"
"Yes?" Dvir almost sounded surprised.
"Through touch?"
"No, though if I touched someone the intensity was much stronger."
"That is atypical."
"Really? My father could read my mind without touching me. I was never able to do that though."
"That is also atypical. In fact, it is extremely rare."
"Yes, my mother couldn't do that, though I always assumed she could sense people the way I did. I thought that was normal." But I never asked her, he thought. Now he began to wonder.
"It is not abnormal, only atypical. I would estimate that approximately four percent of Vulcans have this ability. You were not able to block out the emotions of others?"
"To some degree. But sometimes they were just too strong."
"Fascinating. That is indeed quite rare, though perhaps continued practice of proper shielding techniques could be of assistance in that regard. There are specialists in the field of telepathy who may be able to assist. Now that you are conscious, I would like to take some more scans as well as obtain additional information from you. Then I shall consult with specialists on Vulcan. Do you wish me to proceed?"
Losha hesitated. He didn't really like the idea of anyone getting into his head but, then again, they would actually be in his head if underwent brain surgery. It wasn't the same thing, of course, but if he was going to have to travel to Vulcan and see doctors anyway, perhaps it was worth looking into. He didn't have to agree to anything. Still, the idea of suddenly sensing all those things again made him somewhat anxious. It had taken a long time for him to put his insecurities and unhappiness behind him and he didn't know that he could handle them resurfacing. He may be tempted to turn to sur and kenal if they did.
"You are uncertain?"
"Maybe I need some time to think about it."
"Of course." She paused before continuing in a voice that Losha could hear was tinged with hesitation. "May I ask whether you have a bondmate or spouse?"
"No. Why?"
"Have you considered the possibility that the damage could present difficulties for you should you wish to take a mate?"
"That's not an issue."
"Forgive my intrusion on your privacy. The scans indicated damage that could potentially be significant enough to impair your ability to initiate a telepathic bond."
"Maybe it is. I don't know. But I don't have any plans to marry a Vulcan."
"It would not be an issue should you choose to bond with another Vulcan. A non-telepath, however, would be incapable of initiating a bond with you."
"Well, I don't plan on ever getting married. Even if I did, I don't know that I'd want to form a telepathic bond with anyone. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself."
"Yes, however…" Her voice was tense. "I assume you are familiar with certain aspects of Vulcan biology?"
"Yes," he almost laughed, now that he knew what she was getting at. "You mean the pon farr?" Though Vulcans claim to embrace logic completely, they are not logical when it comes embracing their own biology, his father had told him. The whole taboo surrounding the topic seemed not only illogical but also detrimental to the wellbeing of individuals as well as society as a whole.
"It is believed that a telepathic bond may be necessary to an individual's survival during this time." He noticed that she did not actually answer his question.
"It is believed? But not known for certain, I imagine? From what I understand very little research has been done on it."
"That is true," Dvir admitted quietly.
"My father said he didn't experience it as a madness, the way Vulcans describe it, because he doesn't suppress his emotions. My mother died when I was ten and my father never had another partner after that. Yet he's alive. He's lived without a telepathic bond for over twenty years."
"Of course I do not know his personal situation but your father seems to be a very gifted telepath. Individuals with strong telepathic abilities have been known to survive the pon farr using meditation techniques. But it is extremely rare. It is also not recommended as the likelihood for success is not high. Perhaps you may want to speak with your father. It may help you to make a more informed decision."
"That's not really possible but go ahead with the scans. I want to know more."
As Dr. Dvir proceeded, he began to consider what it would be like to once again be able to sense people's emotions, to once again touch someone's mind. He'd only done it once before...