Deep Space Four, Stardate 2292.251
Losha hadn't thought of Vensar in some time, but sitting in his quarters on the ship, still docked at Deep Space Four, there was little he could do but think. Dr. Naik had released him from sick bay yesterday, though he still had to return every eight hours to receive eye drops and a bandage change. She had said she wouldn't normally release a patient in his condition so soon but knowing that he'd still be on the station, she'd offered him the choice of remaining in sick bay or returning to his quarters. She'd obviously picked up on the fact that he had not been particularly comfortable there. Still, he'd had to consider her offer for a moment before accepting. Returning to his quarters meant that the only person there to help him was Naalem, though the doctor had made it clear that should he need anything, he need only call sick bay and either she, Santos, or Janda would be happy to help. Even Dr. Dvir had offered to be of assistance. Though he disliked placing any responsibility on Naalem, the one thing he hated more than being dependent on others was being the center of attention. There was no avoiding dependence on others in his current condition and at least he could have some privacy in his quarters.
Naalem had stuck by him since he'd returned to his room, but Losha had insisted that he go down to the station and occupy himself there for a few hours. Though he couldn't tell from his voice or behavior, he knew the teenager must be restless and bored and he wanted some time to himself anyway. He'd tried listening to news on his PADD but found it didn't interest him, so he'd moved on to books and then music but found those equally unappealing. So he lay on his bed, thinking of happier times.
Rationally, he knew that even if Vensar had not died, it was unlikely that their relationship would have lasted. He didn't know if she had ever broken things off with her boyfriend and even if she had, that was no guarantee that things would have lasted between the two of them. They had been so young. Young love was intense but it often burnt out quickly. Perhaps they would have grown tired of each other or begun to have arguments. He would never know. And that was the problem - because she had died when their relationship had seemed perfect to him, nothing else could ever compare. A few years after Vensar's death, his telepathic abilities began to get more and more muted until they became virtually non-existent. He would never again know someone the way he knew Vensar.
So much had happened since then though, and he wasn't sure if he wanted anyone knowing all the things he'd done. He no longer felt shame over it, but few women would be understanding. They would be repulsed and he understood. At one time, he would have been repulsed himself. No relationship he'd had since Vensar had worked out. He knew it was partly due to his unrealistic expectations and partly because he hadn't been completely honest with any of them, with one exception, and she had been repulsed. Some relationships had ended by mutual ambivalence and others with a great deal of anger. One thing about all of them was the same though - he had never been the one to end it. Even when he had lost interest in the woman or knew the relationship wasn't working, he wouldn't end it. It was worse for him to be alone. Or it had been. In the last year or two, he had finally begun to feel happy being alone. Perhaps not happy but not unhappy. He had accepted it.
As thoughts of Vensar filled his mind, he tried to push them aside. Dwelling on unpleasant memories would not improve his mood, but like Naalem, he found himself bored and restless. How awful it would be to be blind permanently. He tried to push that thought aside too. There was no use getting upset about something that was only a possibility. His mind had been going back and forth between worrying and trying to convince himself not to worry when the door chimed.
"Come in," he said in Haka, assuming it was Captain Jemel or one of the crew members.
"Losha? It's Dr. Naik. May I come in?"
"Yes, please come in." Then, after he heard the door close behind her, "It can't be time for another bandage change yet, can it?" He had last been to sick bay for a bandage change only a few hours ago.
"No. Not for another five hours or so," she replied. "I came to tell you that I received a message from Vulcan. About your application…" she trailed off. Normally the status of an application was strictly confidential and would only be sent directly to the applicant but Dr. Naik had submitted it on his behalf since he was unable to complete it himself. The doctor's tone was neutral and he couldn't determine from it whether it was good or bad news. There was only one way to find out.
"What did they say?"
"They denied the application. They didn't say why but I've already spoken to Ambassador Sarek. He said he will request more information and see what he can do. Dr. Dvir is also making inquiries on your behalf with her colleagues on Vulcan. She's hoping that some of them may be able to write letters on your behalf, letting the immigration service know that this is a special situation. I'm also going to do whatever I can." Her words came out so quickly that Losha hardly had time to process them.
"Thank you for trying to help me. I'm not sure there is anything you can do when it comes to Vulcans, though." Though the news wasn't entirely unexpected, he found himself getting angry. The Vulcans didn't care if he was blind. He should have realized that they wouldn't pity him - pity was an emotion.
"I just can't believe they'd deny you entry to Vulcan. I know they're sticklers for rules but the whole purpose of this application is for special circumstances and if this isn't a special circumstance, I don't know what is." He could hear the frustration in her voice. "But I will do whatever, I can, ok?" She was repeating herself, he thought, because she had nothing else to say. "Ambassador Sarek is a powerful man. I'm sure there's something he can do."
"Thank you, doctor." He didn't know what else to say. He wanted her to leave so he could be alone. Uncontrollable anger was rising inside him. It was an anger he hadn't felt in a long time but that he'd once known so well that he'd given it a name - the monster. The monster inside me. He hadn't seen the monster in a long time and he'd almost believed that it was gone. Almost. He should have known better, known that the monster had just been dormant. It would never go away altogether because it was a part of who he was.
"I'd better go now. I'm going to see if there's anything I can do. I'll see you in a few hours, ok?"
"OK." The moment the door closed behind her, he picked up a glass of water Naalem had left for him and threw it across the room.