Fascinating, how the sight of Enterprise hanging in space brought back so many memories of camaraderie… of friendship… of family.
How quickly all that warmth began to blur the edges of reason as he initiated the final docking process…
This close to the hull of the ship, he wondered on the changes brought to it by the retrofit; was this the same as his home had been for those 15 years with Pike and Kirk?
And Kirk? He had taken the admiralty he had been musing before Spock sought out Kolinahr? And McCoy; had he returned to the more comfortable, quiet, retirement as a country the Doctor he o often declared himself to be? What of Scott, Sulu, Uhura and Checkov… he knew Rand had taken up a commission in communications within the fleet…
And what of Christine…
The nacelles have been completely stripped and rebuilt… Logical… the Enterprise was an older vessel and warp drive…
Was it that easy? Bury all the questions in work?
The red bricks of Vulcan gained height around his emotion… though the Enterprise core was now a decidedly Earth-ocean blue… and the years Spock had spent in the Forge may as well have been hours; all his discipline and mental barriers were instantly breached as the shuttlepod docked.
Still, there were the remnants of his conditioning; so much so that as he stepped onto the deck to be enthusiastically greeted by the Russian commander he could not return the sentiment, instead of the intent of welcoming Spock back to the ship… Checkov had only succeeded in making him feel uncomfortable.
And so, he dealt with it in the only way he could; Spock headed straight for the bridge with the sole intention of taking up his post as science officer to reach the consciousness that called him back into space.
The lift doors opened and he was taken aback for a brief moment to discover that, in fact, very little had changed and when Jim laid eyes on him the discomfort felt in Checkovs greeting was multiplied tenfold.
Spock recalled the kinship he had shared with the human… but there was no way to express his own sentiment logically… poised, as he was, at the edge of a whirlpool. He had to regain some control; instead of processing any further inconvenient recollection, Spock he explained the situation he was in and his intention; there was a presence he sensed which called him back to the fleet.
The humans who knew him most appeared to know there was a time not to question and simply accepted his poor description of the power which lurked in their midst… curious.
As assumed, he was instantly reinstated to his old rank and position.
And, though he was surrounded by Kirk, Uhuru and Sulu's waves of emotion at his entrance, the shock from Decker and confusion from the other crew members numbed him, slightly.
He set about tapping into the communication grid and scanner logs… information poured from the ship readily, as if Enterprise herself was gushing to welcome him back. There was a coolness and comfort in the binary code and decryption that helped sooth the rippling waves disrupting his control.
All was well and cool… until the turbolift doors sounded and her voice called him.
"Mr Spock," her light and hopeful tone scrambled all other thoughts as Spock felt himself rooted to the console, clasping Enterprise in a desperate plea for the machine to distract him in any way…
Please…
McCoy clapped his hands together, bringing Spock back to the raw, too human, moment as the medic stated, "Well, so help me, I'm actually pleased to see you!"
Pleased… there was the vague memory in his mind on how that should feel in this whirlwind… and Spock supposed he was experiencing those symptoms… But there was a definite physical reaction to the sound of her voice that left him disturbed.
How was it that even after the purging she could elicit such a power over him?
It was as irritating as it was mystifyingly joyous.
Perhaps understanding this irrational juxtaposition would aid him in understanding the pull he felt to this alien voice, calling him back into space.
Still, his training reminded him that logic was the beginning of understanding; so, he forced himself to look at her – from the console straight into her eyes and confront his torment.
The directness of motion caused her to recoil slightly; that dazzling smile faded, taking with it a little of the joy he had previously registered.
That warmth she exuded chilled as she looked toward McCoy, troubled and saddened.
For his part, the physician looked just as perplexed as Christine… McCoy's analytical spark registered, forcing a harder look to override concern… he knew, Spock realised.
Somehow the over-emotional ships doctor had an uncanny way of cutting through the barriers to the human part of the Vulcan officer… a part McCoy himself seemed overly willing to ignore the memory of their cantankerous debates over the years and exuded an almost familial warmth which attacked Spocks resolve.
Spock felt overly exposed and forced himself not to look at the woman he could sense through every pore of his being.
Christine was all about him… watching with crystal eyes, smelling like sweet Vulcan lilies in the sunset, her heat radiated from cream skin to his…
Spock took a breath to centre himself.
Time passed.
Still… the others looked at Spock with a baffled curiosity… McCoy was openly concerned…
Spock moved away from the increasingly uncomfortable situation and across to the other station to continue his search for the alien signal.
The rest of the conversation surrounded attempts to communicate with the openly hostile vessel.
Christine and McCoy quietly departed the bridge, unnoticed by the others.
Spock was thankful the distraction had given him distance; red bricks fortified the walls in his mind…and there he remained throughout the encounter with the cloud and being within…
The mission continued to the point where Spock had to take action; the main purpose of the alien entity was clear; V'Ger sought finality to knowledge… all the knowledge of all the universe… simple and unadulterated fact… and the machine found no resolution…
It had achieved what so many on Vulcan could not and still…it sought reason to all that which it had attained… meaning… it was asking the question; is there more? And there had to be… there had to be more
It was as though this being had been on the same journey as Spock himself…
Perhaps, together, they may find resolution?
Spock had to know if there was a way to attain a purity through sheer knowledge alone.
That meant travelling into the heart of V'Ger and gaining an understanding which had always been within him; perfection was unattainable, logic seeks reason through emotion and emotion seeks temper through logic.
The revelation in itself was overwhelming as Spock recoiled from the onslaught of touching minds with the entity…
Had his years in the Forge been for naught?
Was there solace in this discovery?
Perfection is never attainable because all things are flawed.
Vulcans aspired to purge emotion and looked on his half-human heritage with distain and resentment.
Humans couldn't understand the control his half-Vulcan heritage demanded, meeting it with prejudice and aggressive fear.
They all failed to recognise the simple proverb; the grass is greener…
Simply put; the things other people have, or their situations, always look better than your own, even when they are not so.
Here was V'Ger… a being in a state of pure knowledge and logic… having reached the panicle of its growth and now asking if there was more? There had to more.
And there was. To touch the face of its maker… the face of God.
But touch was not logical; it was an emotional connection. That was what V'Ger sought, making the idiom that more painfully plain to the half-human, half-Vulcan crewman.
He was not surprised at all to find Kirk and McCoy at his bedside when he woke.
Spock also knew Christine was there… her presence was palpable as Spock felt the rush of her closeness wash over him. It was in the scent she wore and the sound of her breathing… the way she placed a hand on the corner of his bio-bed…
McCoy was next, filled with a concern he would quickly deny if confronted with it… and then there was Kirk… with questions and anger and suspicion but also relief and camaraderie and affection…
Spock tried explaining this with the simple acknowledgement of his own paradox… "I should have known."
"Were you right?" Jim asked, "About V'Ger?"
Even in his insecure state, Spock realised he had to take the conversation a little slower… "A life form of it's own." He nodded, "A conscious, living entity."
"A living machine?" Christine asked.
Sensation washed over him; he heard her voice, smelled her perfume, felt the warmth of her close to him… the wave of emotion soared higher and higher… looming over the wall of his control…
He mustn't waver at this critical juncture… Spock fought to keep himself still and held himself neutral as best he could.
Those around him may have thought he simply ignored the Doctor at his side… but the reality was he was hyperaware of her eyes watching him, her breath and the beat of her heart…
"It considers the Enterprise as a living machine," Jim snapped in the void of conversation, irritated by the urgency he felt, "that's why it calls our ship as an entity."
That was it! If Spock explained… "I saw V'Gers planet," he began, "a planet populated by living machines…."
In his mind, he floated over the cities of the purged world… watching the void beings barely acknowledge one another as they hurried about their existence… joining minds and conscious thought to explore the very corners of creation… it was breath-taking… "Unbelievable technology," Spock gasped his witness. "V'Ger has knowledge that spans this universe."
And, through it all was a fading memory, Spock still recalled the bewilderment in the codex of the great machine… because they had reached perfection… "But, in the end, with all it's pure knowledge… V'Ger is barren."
Confusion tinted the air; Spock struggled to explain, "Cold…" They listened but still didn't understand. "No mystery. No beauty…" were they understanding now? Much as he had been attempting… V'Ger had purged all else but knowledge and found no resolution… there had to be more… and there was… love and hate and pain and joy… they emotion that made all knowledge have meaning. Spock laughed. "I… should have known…"
Darkness took him then; a whirl of green colour and information that swept over the blue ocean and red brick.
The next thing, Kirk was shaking him awake asking what it was he should have known…
In his fragmented state, somewhere between wake and sleep… Spock couldn't understand… after all, wasn't it obvious?
"Jim," he tried to explain, taking his friends hand, "this simple feeling is beyond V'Gers comprehension."
Kirk took a firmer hold of him, smiled and nodded his fledgling understanding…
"No hope." Spock held on that little bit tighter, "And, Jim… no answers… It's asking questions."
"What questions?"
"Is this all that I am?" And Spock was asking just as much as V'Ger… "Is there nothing more?"
The words filtered through the air until the commanding voice over the intercom insisted, "Bridge to Captain."
The medibay was all-but empty moments later.
It left Spock to his thoughts… and Christine, busying herself by readying the area for further casualties.
After all this time, Spock felt uncertain by her presence… what was he supposed to say? He lay there at a loss as to where to begin, until reaching a conclusion.
"You look well," Spock admitted, watching each muscle in the Doctor tense as his words hit the air.
"Thank you," she answered, keeping her back to him.
It took all he had not to reach out to her mind and sense what she may have been feeling. But Spock knew that this was a moment in where privacy would be valued.
He waited.
"I had thought you were not speaking to me," Christine admitted.
"It was not easy," he tried to explain, leaning closer to her as much as he could while lying on the bio-bed. How could he tell her how obvious it was the moment he saw her… that nothing had changed… that the years had done nothing to dull his interest and want… that his friends would be able to see right through him… "I was concerned that the others…"
"Oh Spock!" Christine explained, spinning to face him in her anger, "Do you think I care about what the others may or may not think? Do you think I ever cared?"
"There was a time," he recalled.
"Not now, Spock!" She cried, crossing the distance to slam her fist on the foot of his bed.
There was silence for a few moments, but the excitement and joy that flooded through him was hard to contain as he admitted, "You are radiant when exasperated."
"Are you telling me I'm beautiful when I'm angry?" She asked, a dangerous edge to her tone.
Spock smiled, "Indeed."
"Stick around," she retorted blankly… holding his gaze for a few moments before melting. All the tension in her stance ebbed and she came to sit beside him with a more familiar softness to her expression.
"I am pleased to see you," Spock admitted.
"So am I," she smiled.
And it was glorious.
To the doctor's surprise, Spock reached for her hand and he was gratified not to feel the cool metal of an engagement or wedding ring that may hinder the direction he wished to take this conversation.
"Spock," she said, in a soft voice, "we shouldn't… You have suffered a trauma."
"Christine…" he silenced her, tracing his thumb over the soft surface of her hand and enjoying the rush of sensation that followed.
For her part, Christine smiled to feel his touch and allowed the moment to simply be…
"You look older," she admitted, reaching out to stroke his weather-worn hair.
"You don't." He smiled again.
"What happened to you?"
How was he supposed to explain the trials and rigors of kolinahr? "I was… alone. And you?"
"I was here, Spock," she implored, sapphire eyes sparkling, "working."
Spock rose a brow…
"Ok," she squeezed his hand, "it wasn't all that easy for me either…"
Between them, a hurt spiked through the skin… soothed only by the simple fact they were, once again, in each other's presence.
Spock noticed how easily her hands glided over and under his own.
"Have you been reinstated?" Christine asked, moving closer.
He nodded and leaned into her… she smiled.
"We will have many missions together, doctor."
The light dulled in Christine's eye.
"What is it?"
"When we finish this mission… I'm leaving Enterprise."
The words sank into the air…
It was a cruel trick of the universe that Spock should finally find his way back to the Enterprise only for Christine to leave.
"I have been offered a teaching position back at Starfleet Medical at the close of my tenure..." she explained, not looking wholly at him, "It will give me a chance to be closer to... my family."
"Your husband," Spock concluded.
"No…" she admitted, "Richard and I were never…" Christine squeezed his hand, "I am speaking of our daughter."
Shock rolled through him; there was a child.
The fluid, blue waters of emotion froze, involuntarily. Was he preventing her from having a family, a life, a future without him? It was a very selfish thing to expect her to be there, waiting for him all these years…
And bearing her any loss caused an almost palpable pain.
"I am sorry," Spock felt the wave of anguish roll through him, "that I have caused you this turmoil…"
Christine frowned, "What?"
"I am sorry," he said, moving out of her reach, "I should never have insisted in re-entering your life."
"Hey!" The human stood, towering over the bio-bed, "Do you think, for one moment, any choice I made was based on an evaluation of your desire?"
Well… wasn't it?
"No, Spock," Christine almost roared, "I respect you and your opinion. Maybe, I even love you…" Spock rose a brow but did not end the tirade. "But my life and my choices are mine. MY OWN."
…
There was nothing to say.
"I am grateful that you are, once again, in my life Christine."
Ice melted into a smile.
"I am only sorry your daughter has been separated from her father on my account."
Machines whirled in the background as silence reigned in the medi-bay.
"Perhaps now…" the human glanced away from him, "she can finally know him."
Spock didn't understand and looked to her for answers…
"Now he is back from Vulcan…"
…
Time and space seemed to halt as a thousand questions sprang-up in Spocks mind…
His daughter?
What was her name? Where was she? What was she like?
Before he knew it, Uhuras voice sounded over the comm… V'Ger and impending doom loomed over the revelation that he and Christine had made a child.
"You have to go," Christine whispered… and Spock found, to his surprise, at some point he had gathered her in his arms.
"Go…"
"Save the galaxy…" she said, lips brushing his own… "for our daughter…"
And, for that reason, Spock headed for the bridge.