A/N: This one is a bit longer! Frankly, your next update might take more than a couple of days, so I'm hoping more bulk will help tide you over. Our favorite women are also getting a bit closer, here…
Thank you so much for all of your reviews! They warm my heart and also hold me accountable as far as writing and updating. Much appreciated. As always, please provide me your thoughts and feedback. Enjoy!
Inspired by "Night," season 6, episode 20.
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Law & Order: SVU, its characters, or storylines. I make no money from this work of fiction, that is inspired by an episode, but otherwise created from my own mind. Any relation or resemblance to another story or a real life instance is purely coincidence.
Recovery
Chapter 4
kateandharvey
The brunette was only seated outside of the bathroom door for around 10 minutes when Casey called for her. Slowly, she opened the door, not yet poking her head in. "Case?" She asked, "You okay?"
"I'm okay." She heard the response, "You can come in." When she pushed open the door and stepped into the small bathroom, the sex crimes detective wasn't sure what she would find. What she did see, however, was the ADA, fresh-faced, seated on the toilet in her clean clothes. The bathroom was filled with the warm scent of soft roses from the wash that had just occurred. The woman she was examining asked sheepishly, "Could you help me wash my hair? I can't lift my arms above my bra." She smiled, feeling a little ridiculous, but Olivia quickly agreed.
The two women easily made a plan. The detective retrieved a chair from the dining room, and placed it in front of the bathroom sink. She helped the ADA move positions, and soon the red locks were laying in the sink, being dowsed in warm water and ready to be washed.
Just when Olivia was applying the shampoo, Casey said, "You're a good caregiver, you know." She could feel the tips of the other woman's fingers gently massaging her scalp. Thinking about how well her friend was taking care of her, she said, "You'd make a great mom."
For only a second, the hands in her hair stilled before they started up again. "Thank you." Was the response.
Catching on that she'd said something wrong, the redhead quickly began to apologize. "I'm sorry...er…" She wasn't sure what else to say. She and Olivia were co-workers. Friends. Good friends, even, and she knew the other woman wanted children. What did she say that upset her?
Olivia easily rinsed the shampoo out of the red hair, and applied the conditioner graciously. "It's okay," she said, "there's nothing for you apologize for."
"I thought… you wanted to be a mom." The ADA couldn't seem to let it go.
"I do," she nodded, her fingers still working through the hair of the other woman. She had every intention of doing exactly what she did when this conversation came up with everyone else: stop it in the moment, and make sure it was at an end for the rest of time, never to be revisited. Whether it was the slight concern in the green eyes she was looking at, the rawness of their situation, or even the pure fact that Casey was one of her only friends, the detective chose to allow herself a moment of vulnerability. "I just… the more time that goes by, the more that I wonder if it will ever happen." She rinsed the conditioner from the hair of her companion and continued. "I've started to accept that maybe solidarity is best for me, even."
"Why do you think that?" She was genuinely surprised.
Olivia moved to grab a towel for the woman sitting before her, gently wrapping it around her head and drying the strands of wet hair. She shrugged. "The job is hard; you know? You either meet people that aren't interested in it, or people that are too interested in it." She sighed. "The shit we see…it's not normal. You know that as well as I do. I try to date, but it's difficult to date outside of the badge. When I do, it's hard to find a person that can handle it." Having finished drying, she wrapped the towel snugly around the other woman's head. "I don't blame them. It's not really fair to drag someone else into that world, anyway." She backed up from Casey, grasping her forearms and helping to pull her into a standing position.
"You're a catch, Olivia. There's someone for you." She said, the two women grasping onto each other's arms. Not one to handle compliments well, the detective simply rolled her eyes. Trying to prove a point, green eyes searched for brown and only continued talking when they were found. "I mean it." She smiled, "You're intelligent and smart, with book-talk and your knowledge of society and culture. You're quick-witted and funny, and you always leave me in stitches when we're together. You're selfless; always sacrificing yourself and your own well-being not only for survivors and victims but for those that you care about." The ADA took a breath, "You're pretty, too. The whole package!" Olivia laughed, slightly embarrassed. "Besides that, you don't need a man to become a mother. Not anymore."
There was something about the way the redhead looked at her so earnestly, so caringly, so gently. Even after their rough start, there was always something about Casey that made Olivia feel as if she really got her, really understood her. Not the Olivia she portrayed to the world, not the Olivia that was Elliot's partner, or a detective with Manhattan's SVU, or the no-nonsense advocate for a victim's rights. She understood even more than the Olivia she was on a Friday night after a long case with a beer in her hand or the Olivia that liked to cook but just never had the time. Casey Novak understood the Olivia that she was only to herself. The Olivia that grew up with an alcoholic mother and rapist father. The woman that's bedroom was painted a soft green, who enjoyed a romantic comedy at the movie theater, and that liked red wine in a glass with a snarky comment on it after a long day.
It was peculiar, really, because at most, Olivia would describe the other woman as a close friend. There was nothing to make her feel the level of trust, of intimacy, of compassion that she did with this woman. But between the difficult cases, the screaming matches over disagreements, and long nights of takeout and reading over casefiles, something had always drifted in the air between them. It was more than the feeling that you'd known someone for much longer than you had, it was a feeling of being known. A feeling of peace at being unapologetically who you were and not being faulted for it. A feeling of comfortability. If she was a cliché person, Olivia Benson would describe her friendship with Casey by way of saying that when the woman looked at her, it was always as if she wasn't being looked at. She was being seen through.
It was this knowledge, this feeling, that made Olivia open up even further and say, "I don't think I have what it takes to be a single parent."
As strong as Olivia appeared, Casey was no stranger to the true lack of self-confidence her friend held within. It didn't appear often, but when it did rear its ugly head, it was only barely visible. You had to be quick and intuitive to see it, and Casey was. "Olivia." She scoffed, "Please. You have everything it takes to do it on your own! I've probably already complimented you enough, for one night, and enough to make you uncomfortable forever," both women laughed lightly at this, "but I mean it. You're a hard worker with a heart that bleeds. You would make an amazing child and be a great mother."
Olivia, waving off her companion's compliments, admitted, "I definitely couldn't afford a sperm donor."
"Adoption is a valid process, too. Biology doesn't make a child or a parent."
There was that comfortability again. She swallowed heavily before saying,"I agree with you. But I applied a few years ago. They rejected me."
Ever a good friend, the sassy ADA argued, "That was years ago, you could try again." She shrugged slightly, and as she took a step forward, toward the brunette and in the direction of the door, she threw out casually, "Getting a sperm donor is financially do-able if you do it right, anyway. I could help you."
The brunette carefully wrapped her arms around the redhead's waist, with a single arm of her companion wrapping over her shoulders. They took a few steps out of the bathroom, heading down the hall slowly, at the ADA's pace. It was only after a couple of steps and a moment of thought, the detective asked, "Really?"
Focused on the task at hand, Casey grimaced at another step, staring straight ahead and thinking about how good the couch would feel under her and how much lighter she felt after having had cleaned herself up slightly. "Yeah," another step, another grimace. "I looked into it myself." If she wasn't in so much pain, and she wasn't so dead set on making it to the couch without totally taking out her friend, Casey definitely would've been paying more attention to what she was saying.
"No offense, Case, but what does a sex crimes ADA need to know about sperm donation?" Olivia was partially confused, but partially just giving the companion a hard time.
Distracted still as they reached the couch, but more focused than before the ADA knew she had to give Olivia an explanation and knew she needed to choose her words carefully. She lowered herself down slowly, and the detective took a seat next to her. Her eyes closed, back against the couch, and breathing heavily from her movement, she said, "It was for me." If Olivia was surprised, she didn't show it. "To make it short, I was in a pretty serious relationship a few years ago. I thought we might need it." She took a breath, her eyes opening and finding the brown one's of the other woman. "It turns out… we didn't."
Sympathy and understanding flooded Olivia's face, and she reached out to grasp the arm of her friend. "I'm so sorry, Casey." She didn't realize that a casual conversation would cause her to have to open up, and then lead to Casey exposing her own past pain.
"It's okay, it was a long time ago." She smiled softly at the other woman.
"I know," the detective nodded, "But I'm always here if you want to talk about… you know."
Not sure where Olivia was going, Casey tried to clarify. "What?"
Confusion was evident on the other woman's face. "If you want to… talk. About it."
Slight worry flooded the redhead's body. "What?" She pressed again. She was concerned about where Olivia was leading. The woman was a detective, after all, and Casey felt like a suspect backing herself into a corner. Either Olivia was being a good friend and asking follow-up questions and she was convincing herself of her guilt, or the other woman knew something.
It was rare that Olivia and Casey weren't on the same page, but this felt like one of those times. Like a teenage school-girl, Olivia only answered, "What?"
"Talk about what?" Casey asked, her confusion evident. Did Olivia know?
Feeling as though she shouldn't say the name, but feeling the confusion growing, she said, "Charlie." She took a breath, her concerned eyes quickly swiping back and forth over the ADA's face. "If you want to talk about it, we can."
The redhead's mouth formed a soft O and she knew she needed to make a choice. So far, she hadn't felt that she had lied to her friend. By omission, sure, but never directly. If she kept this conversation going, however, she would definitely be a liar.
Casey was never bothered when Olivia shared with her. Whether it was about her father, her brother, or her own worry about becoming a mother. When she pushed the brunette to share, it was always because she felt it would be best for her. Casey truly cared about Olivia, and she wanted the detective to feel like she could trust her, even with the ugly things. That's what friends were for, right?
That information didn't seem to stop the slight shakiness in her voice and the feeling of pure nervousness she had when the roles were reversed. Slowly, Casey made a choice.
They were going to be in this house, for some days, and if she thought about it, there's no one she would rather be with. Softly, her green eyes meeting brown, she said, "I wasn't talking about Charlie."