USS Tycho, Stardate 2292.293

Sarek had returned to his quarters after escorting Losha back to his own. Their discussion of Sybok's death had been only mildly uncomfortable because he had anticipated and prepared for it in meditation after their arrival on Deep Space Four. It had been the first time he had discussed the events of his son's death with anyone. Amanda had been there when Spock had informed them of it six years prior, but they had not spoken of it. He had done his best to push it out of his mind altogether. Though he and Sybok had never been close and he had not anticipated seeing him again after his exile from Vulcan, it was acutely painful when a child predeceased his parent. He had experienced it once with Spock, and had not envisioned experiencing it a second time. The conversation had also been uncomfortable because of the onslaught of emotions he felt from Losha. How curious that he again felt them here on Deep Space Nine, but had not when they had been on Senes. He could think of no explanation.

He also found himself somewhat irritated that Sybok had apparently filled Losha with inaccuracies about his own people. He had never understood his older son or his motivations. His younger son, being half human, had faced difficulties on Vulcan, particularly as a child. Sarek had never acknowledged them, because to do so was to give Spock reason to doubt himself. But Sybok had not faced those same difficulties. Sarek could not explain his eldest son's behavior to himself, except to conceive that it had been due to his lack of presence in his life. He had had little choice in the matter - T'Rea had not wanted him involved in Sybok's upbringing. It was illogical to find himself irritated by this all these years later. It was also illogical to be irritated at what Sybok had taught his son about his own people. Losha wasn't his son and it was beyond his control. He also found himself irritated that Losha was hesitant to receive treatment and therapy for the telepathic and memory damage he suffered from. It was illogical to not seek treatment when it was safe and available. Why should this cause him so much irritation? Losha was an adult and had the right to choose for himself.

Sarek blamed the irritation on having had to deal with the strong onslaught of emotions from Losha during their conversation. Vulcan emotions were intense, and experiencing them from a Vulcan who was not able to master them was taxing. It was easier with humans and most other species. Human emotions were generally like a light ebb and flow: irritating at times, but usually not powerful enough to be unmanageable. Individual humans sometimes proved an exception, but this was not the norm. He had had a few dealings with V'tosh ka'tur, the Vulcans without logic, but as with Sybok, they had all been raised to follow Vulcan disciplines and seemed to maintain that emotional mastery even as they had proclaimed to disavow it. He could only compare what he felt from Losha to what he had experienced with Romulans and, to a lesser degree, Klingons and Tellarites. But even Klingon and Tellarite emotions seemed, like human ones, quite fleeting to him.

Sarek found himself irritated by the fact that he was irritated - it was illogical to feel this way. He did his best to suppress his irritation before Amanda returned for their midday meal. She was astute at reading his moods even without sensing them through physical contact. He had long ago learned that avoiding her touch as a means of hiding his emotions was ineffective. What's more, if he refused her touch, she would immediately become suspicious.

He did his best to push his mood aside and concentrate on some work, but it was in this mood of irritation that Amanda found him when she returned.

"What is it?" she asked as she withdrew her fingers from his.

Sarek sighed. There was no point in trying to dismiss the issue

"Losha has been to see me."

"I see." Amanda frowned slightly.

"He wished to know the details of, -of his father's death."

"You hadn't told him already then?"

"I hadn't gone into detail. It seemed more than he was prepared to deal with at the time." The truth was, it was also more than Sarek had been prepared to deal with too. He had assumed Losha had already been aware of Sybok's death. He hadn't been aware that the two of them had been somewhat estranged and that Losha was not involved with Sybok's followers. It had been illogical to make assumptions, yet he had. It was a topic he didn't wish to dwell on, so he changed the subject.

"He is reluctant to have the procedure to repair his memory and telepathic abilities. It is illogical." Sarek shook his head slightly. "He is apprehensive about remaining on Vulcan for therapy. I reassured him that he is free to remain as long as he desires, but I believe he remains unconvinced. He is averse to remaining on Vulcan, in part, I believe, because of biases against his own people."

"You'll just have to try harder to dispel some of those biases then." Amanda smiled.

"I am not sure what more can be done."

"It will probably just take some time. He's grieving, and a lot has changed for him very quickly. It's no wonder he's not thinking logically."

He nodded his head and sighed as Amanda reached for his hand.

Sarek did not see much of Losha the rest of their time on Deep Space Four nor on the Tycho. When he had learned he had a grandson, he hadn't been sure what kind of relationship he could forge with him - it was illogical to speculate. He had lost Sybok long ago and finding Sybok's son only to lose him as well would be unpleasant. Losha may very well be the only grandchild he would ever have, but he did not know what could be done. Losha was an adult and free to make his own choices. Accepting what was beyond one's control was an essential part of logic.

Truthfully, he had not always done this. It had taken him years to admit it even to himself, but his refusal to accept Spock's choice to join Starfleet had been illogical, and it had cost him dearly in terms of his relationship with his younger son. Though he and Spock had come to a superficial understanding, they would never be close. The damage had been done long ago. He wanted an opportunity to have a different kind of relationship with his grandson, a better one, but he did his best to suppress his desires. The past could not be changed, his relationship with Spock was what it was, and Losha was his own person. It was not logical or fair to project his regrets concerning his relationships with his sons onto his grandson. He must accept that, no matter how difficult it was.

He saw Losha a bit more after their arrival on Vulcan, but still he seemed to prefer keeping to himself. Sarek was unsure whether this was a personality trait or the consequence of grief and other emotional difficulties he was likely experiencing. Vulcan meditation and mental techniques could assist with that, if Losha were willing, but considering his grandson wanted little to do with anything Vulcan, Sarek did not suggest it. He would not admit it to anyone, even Amanda, but he feared pushing him away. Now that he knew his grandson existed, the idea of him existing somewhere out there, apart from him, was something he did not wish to experience.

The night after Losha's initial visit to the medical center, Sarek still had not come any closer to resolving his irritation. Dr. Dvir had had a telepathic specialist speak with Losha and Sarek hoped this would alleviate his doubts about the procedure and therapy. The doctor had contacted Sarek later that day and asked if he could inform her of Losha's decision so she could update the colleague with whom she had been consulting. He advised her he would speak with him and inform her the following day.

"What are you thinking about?" The covers rustled as Amanda turned toward him.

"I didn't realize you were still awake."

"Don't change the subject. Did something happen at the medical center today?" She rested her hand on his shoulder.

"Nothing I haven't already told you."

"You're worried about the surgery?" Even in the dark, he could see a look of concern on her face.

"No."

"What then?"

"It is nothing I can explain." He sighed and turned his head away. How could he explain to her what he couldn't explain to himself?

"Show me, then." Her other hand came to rest on his other shoulder. He turned back to her, intending to tell her it was nothing to concern herself with. As he took her hands to remove them from his shoulder, he found himself winding his fingers around hers instead. He leaned down to kiss her lightly on the mouth.

"What did I say about changing the subject?" She asked, pulling out of his kiss.

"I did not intend to change the subject." It was true - when he had looked at her and touched her hands, he'd found he didn't want to push her away after all. The kiss had seemed to happen of its own accord.

"Is that so?" She smiled.

"Yes." He untwined the fingers of his right hand from hers and touched her face gently. He had closed himself off from her over the past few weeks, but he now he found he had missed the closeness they usually felt in one another's presence.

"I will show you," he said, moving his fingers into position.

When he removed them a few moments later, he realized that she had already understood what was troubling him. She had wanted to offer her support, but understood that this was something he wanted to deal with on his own, and hadn't pressed him. And there was something else.

"He was not your son, but you are my wife, and this concerns you as well. Do not think it isn't your place to speak on this matter. You knew him as long as long as I did. And, perhaps, you knew him better."

Amanda took his hand again before replying.

"Then let me offer you some advice." He raised his eyebrow and waited for her to continue. "You can't deal with him the same way you deal with Spock. Or even the same way you dealt with his father. And I don't mean to imply that you didn't handle those situations in the best way you could at the time. But Losha wasn't raised in the Vulcan way and he isn't going to behave the way a Vulcan would. If you were dealing with a Vulcan, you would be right to accept c'thia. A Vulcan would do his best to put aside his biases and try to look at a situation logically, based on what he observed. Vulcans aren't always unbiased, but they do try to be." She smiled and continued on.

"You know we humans can have a hard time looking at things objectively when we are contending with our emotions. You sensed some very strong ones from him."

"Yes."

"If you want to connect with him, and I know you do, you will have to go out of your way to show him what Vulcans are really like. I know it's not logical, but he doesn't think like you do, like a Vulcan does. And you can be very intimidating. Remember what I thought of you when we first met?"

"I had hoped to forget." Amanda let out a small laugh at that.

"And there is something I can answer for you, though you might not like hearing it."

"I suppose you will tell me anyway."

"Of course. You don't understand why you couldn't sense his emotions when you went to see him on Senes because they seemed so strong at other times."

"Yes, I did wonder, though it is of no real consequence."

"Hmmm...Well maybe you should think about that a bit more - think about how you were feeling at that moment."

"Feeling?"

"Yes, feeling."

"You aren't going to tell me then?"

"I don't think you'll want to hear it from me. Some things we're better off figuring out on our own."

"Hmmph." He curiosity was piqued, but he knew it was useless to pursue the matter further. If he didn't figure it out, Amanda would eventually share her discovery with him. He did, however, determine that he would soon attempt to speak with Losha again privately. The opportunity presented itself the following day in the garden.